Why can’t I move on after 9 months?

[Cookiekatie]

I’m 38 F and have been single for almost the last 2 years.

I’ve had 3 longer term relationships in the past (6 years, 7 years and 5.5 years). I’ve never had the below occur.

I met a guy 35 in Nov last year. We clicked and it felt very right and comfortable. We spent most nights together right from the start. He commented on how it felt right and ‘when you know you know’. We live in a small town where most people know of most people. He lives a 3 min drive from my house and works 1 block up the road from me and I work 2 blocks away from his house.

Things did move quickly but I don’t believe I pushed anything. He was just as invested as me. He was buying things for my house for him to have here, organised our trip away etc. The only thing I can think of was that I told him I liked him on our trip away and he didn’t say anything. I also have a 10 yr old child and wonder if the reality scared him.

6 weeks later he ghosted me. We got back from a trip away and I pretty much didn’t hear from him again. No warning, no indication that anything was wrong. I figured I’d eventually move on and meet someone else.

In April this year we rematched on the dating site. I asked if he wanted to try again and he said ‘I thought that was implied’. We caught up, he was great… until we slept together and then afterwards he turned really cold and was a bit of a jerk. I left and didn’t hear from him again. I presumed he just wasn’t in a good place.

In May I wrote him a letter (I purposely didn’t send a text as I didn’t want to be left on read - stupid in hindsight!). I explained that I was very confused about what had happened. I said that if he wanted to talk and work it out then to contact me and if not, that’s fine, I just wanted him place my parking permit that he had borrowed in my letterbox (our local council won’t cancel the permit without receiving the original back and it’s got his licence plate on it with a 3 year expiration date). He did neither. He has the permit as it meant he didn’t have to pay for parking for his work as I live a block away and he could just park near my house and walk. There is a good chance my letter never arrived as Australia has a dodgy mail service!

we since rematched on Bumble in July. He liked me first. I didn’t contact him immediately and he unmatched me about half an hour later.

My issue - how do I move on from this guy? It’s the most stupid thing ever that a guy I dated for 6 weeks is literally on my mind every day. I can’t forget him. I’ve limited him on socials, I’ve archived the Pinterest board we made, I’ve dated excessively (no one has come close to the connection I felt with this guy), I’ve gone on holidays, I’ve slept with randoms, I’ve seen a psychologist. I’m not sure what else I can do. I have zero idea what happened and I feel I will have to reach out to him at some stage to ask again for my permit back (that he is still using). I’ve not wanted to do this until I’ve moved on but now I’m wondering if I can’t move on because I know I have a reason to contact him!

why do you think he ghosted? Do I reach out and ask about what happened? How do I move on? 
 

any insight would be appreciated.

 

[Kwothe28]

18 minutes ago, Cookiekatie said:

I’ve dated excessively (no one has come close to the connection I felt with this guy), I’ve gone on holidays, I’ve slept with randoms

Have you thought about that you are not in a good mind to be in a relationship in the first place?

Man ghosted you without explenation. As he just wanted sex and not a relationship. And you immediately forget about that and jump into bed with him again? OK, maybe sex was good, I dunno. But what did you expected it would happen? That he, who disrespected you once, wouldnt do it again? He literally ghosted you. Twice. 

If you are in the right mind for a serious relationship this man wouldnt be an issue. Ever. As you would see him for what he is and be disgusted and never want to hear from him again. Block him on everything. Find beter therapist and work on yourself. Sleeping with randos and pining over some Ahole wont help you get a good relationship. You getting into the right state of mind will.

[boltnrun]

Can you contact the agency and explain that he refuses to return the parking permit? I think having this last remaining tie to him is disallowing you to move forward.

Please don't sleep with randos. That old adage "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else" is completely false. Plus it could be dangerous.

[smackie9]

We desire most what we can't have...that's why.

Anyways, you know where he parks, so surprise him there and take the permit from him because that's the only way you are going to get it back. 

 

[Sindy_0311]

You can’t move on because you are finding any excuse to reach out. This permit thing, or the letter, the rematches… Also wondering, why would you write a letter to someone who made it clear that they don’t want you. you don’t need closure, him ghosting you IS the closure… 

Why is he still having access to you on dating apps? He ghosted you, and you didn’t block him… he knows he can have you whenever he wants being for sex or just an ego boost… block him on the apps, on your phone, on social media, find another solution for your permit (tell them you lost the original) this is the only way to really move on. won’t be easy but do it… let him go, he is not your guy. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Cookiekatie said:

 I told him I liked him on our trip away and he didn’t say anything. I also have a 10 yr old child and wonder if the reality scared him.. We got back from a trip away and I pretty much didn’t hear from him again. 

Sorry this happened. How long were you together? What happened on the trip? Unfortunately it seems like too much too soon and he was just looking for a fling. Hopefully you'll get your permit back or find a way to cancel it. It's ok to put it in writing in an email or text. 

[Andrina]

6 hours ago, Cookiekatie said:

he turned really cold and was a bit of a jerk. I left and didn’t hear from him again. I presumed he just wasn’t in a good place.

Would you ghost a person after being intimate and dating a whole six weeks, unless it was because you were abused or stalked? Is there a reason you'd be a jerk and cold to someone? No? Because you're a nice person? Then why can't you identify someone who's the opposite of nice?

You grasping for straws for any good reason and pining for him after you've been mistreated shows your self-worth is in the gutter. Predators spot prey instantly (prey often act like doormats). If that's the role you choose, being a doormat, don't act surprised when someone wants to wipe their dirty boots all over you and then walk away.

Spend this time alone working on your self-worth so you will never allow toxicity in your life ever again. There are books and articles on how to learn that essential skill/mindset. Take care.

[Cherylyn]

I'll chime in.  I agree with others.  You were merely a romp in the hay and after he grew tired of you,  he dumped you.  You were used for sex and nothing more. 

Block and delete him on your social media.

Contact the local council to retrieve your permit.  Or, you'll have to confront him since you know where he works.  Perhaps it will take embarrassing him in front of everyone in order for him to return the parking permit to you.  Do it with witnesses abound;  not 1:1. 

No more random sleepovers.  You are playing with fire.

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Or, you'll have to confront him since you know where he works.  Perhaps it will take embarrassing him in front of everyone in order for him to return the parking permit to you.  Do it with witnesses abound;  not 1:1. 

I wouldn't do this ^^^, or you could get reported as a stalker.

I'd contact the permit agency and report a stolen permit. Learn whether it can be replaced in that case. If not, I'd visit the police station to learn what I can do about a stolen permit still being used, and have his license plate number handy in case they are willing to act on your behalf. 

If all else fails, file a small claim at your local court for return of the permit. He will likely return it before the court date.

[boltnrun]

Definitely don't show up at his workplace unless YOU want to experience the embarrassment of being escorted off the premises by security.

You could bring a friend as a witness to where his car is parked and tell him you need the permit back. 

[SooSad33]

On 9/20/2023 at 10:38 AM, Cookiekatie said:

My issue - how do I move on from this guy? It’s the most stupid thing ever that a guy I dated for 6 weeks is literally on my mind every day. I can’t forget him. I’ve limited him on socials, I’ve archived the Pinterest board we made, I’ve dated excessively (no one has come close to the connection I felt with this guy), I’ve gone on holidays, I’ve slept with randoms, I’ve seen a psychologist. I’m not sure what else I can do. I have zero idea what happened and I feel I will have to reach out to him at some stage to ask again for my permit back (that he is still using). I’ve not wanted to do this until I’ve moved on but now I’m wondering if I can’t move on because I know I have a reason to contact him!

why do you think he ghosted? Do I reach out and ask about what happened? How do I move on? 

IMO, you're still sitting there with hope- when there is none 😕 .

You liked that you two kept 'matching' on dating sites.  When you just need to be done now, totally!

Stop torturing yourself with this.  It should be clear enough he's not for you and has nothing to give you.  He's done this push & pull and you're just allowing it.  Yah, it's damaging 😞 .

So, it is time to turn away from ALL to do with him now... AND stop dating all over the place!  Why do this to yourself?  Now, you have nothing to give anyone you're out there messing around with.

Did your psychologist ever mention to back off dating all together for a while and focus on getting yourself back to good?

I feel you're grasping at anything to try & forget him, but that isn't workin for you, is it?  😉 .  No, you have to actually work through these emotions - and this is where your psychologist comes in.  It all takes time, give yourself that.  Is obvious this experience with this guy made an impact, and now you need to work through it all.

So, stop trying to link up with him, stop following him, stop EVERYTHING with him.  Expect No More... is a start.

 

[lostandhurt]

Move on towards what?  Finding someone better?  Shouldn't be hard because he is a jerk that used you for sex and then ghosted you, then let you think there was a second chance, banged you then went right back to who he really is.  What you need to realize is you view him as you want him to be, not as he really is.  This is the problem.

 You are enamored with an idealized version of this man, the version he uses to get women in bed but it is not real, just a prop to trick women into sex. 

If you really need to get the permit back then just wait by his car with a friend and get it back.  You will not be accused of stalking since you are not stalking, you are retrieving your property with one attempt.  If that doesn't work report that someone else is using your permit without your permission and let the governing body handle it.

  Getting over someone by getting under someone new sometimes works but if your ex is an imagined perfect match in your head it will never work.  Time to take off the blinders and see clearly.

 Lost

PS  He got the letter...

[Cookiekatie]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts.

I genuinely want to move on from this man but can’t seem to forget him. Small town doesn’t help as we pass each other in the street (in our cars) and shop at the same supermarket etc.

The psychologist has gone through all the messages and he’s convinced that this guy wasn’t just after sex. I’ve also discussed it in detail with a friend who’s a psychologist and she agrees. So I’m just not sure.

I messaged the following to him on Thursday “Not sure I’ll ever understand what happened but I’m assuming you didn’t feel the same way and didn’t want to reply to my letter. It is what it is. 
If you could pop the parking permit in my letterbox, that would be great. 😊”

Message has been ignored.

Then tonight I was standing in my spare room on the phone to my mum. The spare room is at the front of the house and approx 2mt from the footpath. He walked straight past my house (and the letterbox) on his way home from work. Didn’t return the permit to my letterbox. He could have walked a different way home - that is more direct than walking past my house, but he’s gone straight past my house. My mum told me to go out and ask him for it back - but I didn’t feel comfortable doing that as I’d have to run after him and I was in my pyjamas!

I’ve spoken to the local council twice to request they cancel it and I’ve been advised that they cannot until they receive the permit back. It’s a three year permit and I don’t qualify for an additional one.

A friend of mine suggested I message him on Facebook messenger on Sunday night (as he hasn’t unfriended me either) saying ‘hi, my phones playing up so not sure if you got my last message. If you could return the permit when you next go past, that would be great’. Friend then said that I go out and water my garden on Monday at 5:45 (time he walked past today) and I see him in person as he walks past and ask for it back! He should remember the permit as the message was fresh in his mind from the night before.

what are your thoughts?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Cookiekatie said:

.  saying ‘hi, my phones playing up so not sure if you got my last message. If you could return the permit when you next go past, that would be great’. Friend then said that I go out and water my garden on Monday at 5:45

Please try to let go. He's being a jerk by not returning the permit, but contacting him on various platforms with excuses about phones isn't helping and trying to stage run-ins won't help either.

It seems you would like to know more about why he left and hope to renegotiate and reconcile. Try to report the permit as stolen, unless you need it as a reason to stay in touch with him.

[Cookiekatie]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please try to let go. He's being a jerk by not returning the permit, but contacting him on various platforms with excuses about phones isn't helping and trying to stage run-ins won't help either.

It seems you would like to know more about why he left and hope to renegotiate and reconcile. Try to report the permit as stolen, unless you need it as a reason to stay in touch with him.

Thank you! Yes I suspect I’m wanting closure in some form however given I can’t get closure and I want to move on, I feel now that my only option is to close the door with the permit.

Unfortunately I can’t report it as stollen as the permit has his licence plate on it. It’s physically registered to his car. I’ve already raised this option with council. They’ve told me that because it’s in the correct car, it has to be physically be returned to council to be cancelled. It’s a 3 year permit with less than 12 months used so it’s a long time to just ignore it.

[Cookiekatie]

1 minute ago, Cookiekatie said:

It’s physically registered to his car.

I should explain - the permit is tied to the registration of the vehicle. So it’s seen as his permit even though it’s for my address.

also - why would he be walking past my house, when he knows I’d be home, when he has other options (he’s taking the longer way home to walk past mine)?

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, Cookiekatie said:

I should explain - the permit is tied to the registration of the vehicle. So it’s seen as his permit even though it’s for my 

also - why would he be walking past my house, when he knows I’d be home, when he has other options (he’s taking the longer way home to walk past mine)?

This is exactly the reason why you should never give something worth of value to someone you are dating. I remembered the time I was dating a guy and shared my Netflix account with him. The day I erased his account he reached out to me asking why. Was embarrassing.
Never spend money over a guy and never give anything worth money to a guy unless you are in an official relationship. Now that it’s done, lesson learnt. I suggest you consider this permit (money) lost and register for a new one with your licence plate on it if you need one. 
And stop analyzing any of his moves… not relevant as you already know he doesn’t want a relationship with you, there is no need for closure…this should be your closure… just move on please… 

[boltnrun]

"Closure" as you're defining it is a myth. You start to move forward when you accept the relationship is over. That's not anything anyone can "give" you.

So you're saying the council will never accept that a permit is stolen unless you return it? How can you return stolen property? That makes no sense.

At any rate this permit nonsense is keeping you emotionally tied to him. It gives you an excuse to keep contacting him bringing up the relationship (in your message you didn't simply ask for the permit back, you brought up the relationship). This is why you're not feeling better. Cut all ties and you will start to move forward. Tell the council the permit is stolen and let them handle it. 

[LootieTootie]

He is lame. Said all the right things to you until you told him you 'like him' and he ghosts you. Doesn't return the permit, but pretends to look like he's going to by walking by your house. So now he's also a creeper.

This is not a guy worth wanting closure. Its action has said enough.

I would focus on moving forward and being the best mom for your 10 year old, including exposing your child to men that are not lame and who feel the need to be in creeper mode.

[Kwothe28]

7 hours ago, Cookiekatie said:

I should explain - the permit is tied to the registration of the vehicle. So it’s seen as his permit even though it’s for my address.

 

That is how it works in my country too. Because, for example you pay to municipal government to use parking space. But parking space is tied to vehicle registration, not you. But, here at least its just a small monthly subscription, not 3 years of it. Where I can park outside my home and in the same zone in town. So for example, if I need to park on a paid parking that has same zone as my home one, I dont pay parking fee.

Anyway, as far as a permit goes, I think you should give up on it. He seems audaious. And doesnt seem to care to return that permit to you. Unless you want to confront him and ask it back, dunno if anything else will work because he seem to "ghosted" you. Even confontation maybe wouldnt work. As Ive said, he is audacious. That kind of people dont really care. He has your permit and enjoys the priviledge of it so he wont return it to you since that would mean an inconvinience of maybe finding worse parking place or him paying for it.

[boltnrun]

If it's not a matter of money (not returning the permit will cost you money) and it's not inconveniencing you in any way  I would report it to the council as missing and then just forget about it. This permit is keeping you tied to him and you don't need to be.

There was a young man who posted on this forum about four years ago. His ex had a blazer of his that he kept insisting he absolutely could not live without. He kept contacting her about the blazer and she would either ignore him or would promise to send it but never did. I suggested he was using the blazer as an excuse to stay in contact with her and he swore up and down that wasn't the case. Well, months go by and he finally admitted I had been spot on and he had been using the blazer as an excuse to remain in contact. He managed to survive without it after all when he finally decided to cut all ties.  

I think you'll succeed at moving in once you choose to leave him in your past and cut all contact.