Help! My grandson is being bullied at school

[Sweet Sue]

My grandson is 12 years old and is in middle school. He is in the 7th grade and makes good grades. He loves music and plays the trombone. He is rather shy and has been described as socially inept. As a young child, his mother noticed that he might be autistic and had him tested. He does have the markers for autism. He is 5'6" and is overweight -  to be quite honest - extremely overweight.

At school, his is teased and made fun of because of the way he dresses, his social awkwardness and obviously his weight. More recently, things took a turn for the worse. Some kid - (we have not yet identified) kicked my grandson in the shins, leaving bruises. My daughter took photographs and reported the incident to his teachers and school principal, yet as of this writing, nothing has been done. The incident happened on or around Sept. 8. 

She has made numerous attempts to resolve this issue, but to no avail. Her calls and emails are being ignored.

THIS HAS GOT TO STOP! 

My grandson is terrified of going to school. Unfortunately, this is NOT a new thing. He was bullied in Elementary school and very little was done to stop it because it was 'out of control'. 

My question is: What can be done to stop the bullying and the physical attacks on my grandson? 

I am a former teacher myself, and in my experience, this was NOT a common thing. 

I recommended that she start with a meeting with the teacher, principal and perhaps a lawyer - her father is a lawyer. Document everything said and see what happens. If nothing happens, go up the chain of command until you get results...

Can anyone add anything? 

[Cherylyn]

Go higher up.  Contact the superintendent's office,  go there in person,  speak to someone in person and don't leave until you get answers and actions. 

Do not return your grandson back to school until the problem is rectified.

[Sweet Sue]

Thank you, Cherylyn! 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Sweet Sue said:

. My daughter took photographs and reported the incident to his teachers and school principal, yet as of this writing, nothing has been done. 

Has your daughter taken him to a doctor about the injuries?  What exactly does she want done?  Will the boy identify who did this?

Can she afford private school? If she takes care of the boys injuries by going to a doctor, and appropriately documenting the issue, perhaps she can keep him out of school until she can meet with the school officials. 

[Coily]

If the teacher and administrators will do nothing; then there are few remedies “in the system.”

As a kid who was bullied, even by a teacher; the best things you grandson can start to learn is defensive skills. In that I mean find was to mask his reactions, he needs to find out how to deflect the bullies in a way that makes him less of a target. 
It also may be wise to get him into a martial arts class, so when he gets attacked, he feels he can be more than a victim.

The unfortunate nature of bullying is that if they get punished by a teacher or administrator; they will likely double down on bullying your grandson. 
 

Private school is also a good option, it may not be a silver bullet; but it would be better than the do nothing admins at the current school.

[Seraphim]

My son is Autistic and was severely bullied at school. It stopped in Highschool when he did something I suggested . I can’t suggest it because it has risk and something not very nice . Unfortunately, I didn’t find school administrators very helpfully because there isn’t much they can do anymore . They can barely suspend a child anymore . It is disappointing. I went to the schools many times . I even threatened police action. 
 

I hope your grandson is ok. 

[1a1a]

Speaking as someone who was not bullied per se but definitely socially excluded (the scars run deep), I’ve never seen a school manage to resolve bullying yet. The only times my bullied friends have managed to get the bully to stop is when they were terrifyingly violent back!

Co signing self defense classes. 
 

And throwing in the mix maybe it is worth changing schools. I never did and as an adult I wonder if that was just choosing to keep my hand in the fire. That’s not to say kids at another school will be friendlier, they might not be. But it’s confirmed the kids at this school suck. The teachers can’t give them a personality transplant, they’ll go on sucking what ever action is taken. 
 

Other things you can do to support more outside the square, give him access to mental health care. And see if you can find him an out of school community to join where he stands a good chance of finding, if not friends, at least friendly faces. Community theatre comes to mind just skimming his interests but anything he’s into that’s conducive to people gathering could help give him a place to belong outside of school. 

[mylolita]

Cards are off the table!

 

Your Grandson has to hit them back as hard as he can next time he’s targeted - it’s the only way aside from going down the bureaucratic route. 
 

Bullies are cowards who pick what they perceive to be weak and vulnerable targets. Even if they fight him back, just the show of him giving as good as he can get, can be enough to make a bully think twice, or realise it might not be so easy a target anymore. 
 

My husband went to the roughest, most horrible, dog eat dog school here in England. Over half the boys he went to school with as adults have ended up dead because of drug use, in jail, or a mess in general, he is one of the few that came out fine. He had terrible eczema as a kid, and still suffers as an adult. He got bullied so badly, but after a few weeks of being beat up and pushed around, he singled out the ring leader and threw a metal chair pull pelt at this kids face. He was 13 at the time. He never went for my husband again.

 

It’s fine and good to try the administrative route, but teachers can’t police everything said or done nor do they seem to even try sometimes anyway. 
 

You either have to pull him out but also remember sending him to another school isn’t going to secure the fact he will never be picked on again. Self defence and sticking up for yourself is a harsh and horrible lesson to learn - almost a life skill - and good to get out of the way. As a boy and a man, fights often get physical and this is one of those harsh facts of life. 
 

My husband always says he can tell when a guy has never been in a physical fight in his life. Bullies can smell the fear and the weakness. Give him permission to give as good as he gets. At least then he might feel like he stuck up for himself and gain some self respect, not only for himself, but amongst his fellow class mates.

 

I’m so sorry your Grandson is going through this by the way… bullies are one of the things I hate the most! 
 

Does he have any friends he can walk with, confide in? Does anyone else stick up for him in school? 
 

x

[Seraphim]

For my son it only ended when he punched the bully in the face 3 times. Only fight he has ever had in his life but it ended the BS. The school didn’t punish him because they could see the situation develop for months until my son lost it after a lifetime of being picked on and physically abused by other kids . 

[Batya33]

I agree with self defense. After 7th grade we pulled our son out and sent him to a local private school even though it ended in 8th grade.  He was virtual because of pandemic for part of 5th and all of 6th.  He is in 9th now at a private school. Where I am absolutely confident bullying would not be tolerated. 
I was bullied. Nothing done in elementary but that was in the 70s. In high school I was bullied for a few months. She was jealous of my friendship with her BFF.  Not physically. Verbally. It was awful. She contracted a terrible virus and died - this happened over a weeks time. I really don’t know if it would have ended otherwise. I don’t believe I reported it though. But I still remember being so blindsided by her bullying as I’d done zero to provoke other than being friends with her friend.  That was enough to trigger her. 

[mylolita]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

For my son it only ended when he punched the bully in the face 3 times. Only fight he has ever had in his life but it ended the BS. The school didn’t punish him because they could see the situation develop for months until my son lost it after a lifetime of being picked on and physically abused by other kids . 

Excellent! 
 

Justice served in my opinion! 
 

x

[Seraphim]

Just now, mylolita said:

Excellent! 
 

Justice served in my opinion! 
 

x

That is what we did in my day. Frowned up now I know, but the school was doing zero. 

[mylolita]

4 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

That is what we did in my day. Frowned up now I know, but the school was doing zero. 

Human nature is still the same Seraphim and your boy was pushed into it but, it was the only way.

 

You can only turn the other cheek for so long!

 

I have often been jealous of boys and men that they can have it out physically and that be the end of it! When it comes to girls in school, like Batya mentioned, things get complicated, manipulative and horrible! 
 

I’m glad your son stuck up for himself! 
 

My mums cousin has an autistic son who was also bullied mercilessly in school. Any sign of being different… it’s so sad. If everyone stood their ground as well and said no, you can’t treat someone that way, and everyone stuck up to the bully, it wouldn’t happen. You find a few little sh*t bags rule the roost and keep everyone in silence with fear and intimidation! 
 

x

[Seraphim]

6 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Human nature is still the same Seraphim and your boy was pushed into it but, it was the only way.

 

You can only turn the other cheek for so long!

 

I have often been jealous of boys and men that they can have it out physically and that be the end of it! When it comes to girls in school, like Batya mentioned, things get complicated, manipulative and horrible! 
 

I’m glad your son stuck up for himself! 
 

My mums cousin has an autistic son who was also bullied mercilessly in school. Any sign of being different… it’s so sad. If everyone stood their ground as well and said no, you can’t treat someone that way, and everyone stuck up to the bully, it wouldn’t happen. You find a few little sh*t bags rule the roost and keep everyone in silence with fear and intimidation! 
 

x

I was badly bullied at school as well. Highschool was horrible. One girl who was a friend told other people I was molested and I was made fun of every day for 3 years. They would yell horrible abuse at me about it . So finally, I told the ringleader “you and me outside after school you better be there.” Guess who didn’t show up ? Yep, her. About 100 kids and shown up for the fight and she was a no show. I was ready. Well, the bully crowd turned on her and called her a chicken for weeks. She shut her mouth and left me alone after that though because she knew I was serious . 

[mylolita]

9 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I was badly bullied at school as well. Highschool was horrible. One girl who was a friend told other people I was molested and I was made fun of every day for 3 years. They would yell horrible abuse at me about it . So finally, I told the ringleader “you and me outside after school you better be there.” Guess who didn’t show up ? Yep, her. About 100 kids and shown up for the fight and she was a no show. I was ready. Well, the bully crowd turned on her and called her a chicken for weeks. She shut her mouth and left me alone after that though because she knew I was serious . 

This is so sad Seraphim! I’m so sorry! 
 

I wish I could have been there to shout her to, ahem, shut her mouth, and defend you!!

 

But GOOD ON YOU GIRL! What a show! 
 

Another one bites the dust! 
 

x

[Sweet Sue]

I don't know if she can afford private at school - at least, not at this time. 

He sees a school counselor and a private therapist. 

He took martial arts classes for a while, but lost interest. His parents have taught him to defend himself in the event of an attack. The wounds to his shins left bruises, there were no other injuries to his body, so medical attention wasn't necessary. His parents are still trying to find out the last name of the kid. 

Seraphim - That is a vey sad story. Kids can be so brutal. It empowers them to belittle and demean someone others. She was not expecting you to stand up for yourself- what a coward. That's one way to take down a bully. 

When I spoke to my grandson about the bullying he was getting in elementary school, I told him act as if it doesn't bother him - even laugh with them. As long as you demonstrate weakness , that's what empowers them. That's hard to do....

There are times when I feel like going up to the school myself and having it out with the school authorities, but my daughter wishes to handle it in her own way.

[boltnrun]

I don't care if this isn't PC. But when I was in grade school there was a little girl named Kim (see, I still remember her name and it's been 50 years) who used to kick kids in the shins all the time. She wore special orthopedic shoes and they hurt. So one day my friend Tina and I (yep, still remember her name too) cornered Kim during recess. I held her still and Tina kicked her in the shins, then we switched places. I still remember running away afterwards and looking back and Kim was sobbing. But she stopped kicking.

My son was also being picked on by an older kid. He walked home from school alone and this kid would follow him, taunting him. He told me about it and I said "I am fine if you decide to deal with it however you see fit." So the next time he set his books down, turned around and shoved the kid down into a muddy rain puddle. Hard. My son is much taller and larger than most (think NFL linebacker) and this bully was smaller. Well, it worked like magic because not only did the bully leave him alone after that but he took a different route home to avoid my son. 

I hope your daughter empowers your grandson to defend himself however he sees fit. Sure, go ahead and report the little sh*t but if nothing is done it's time for some playground justice.

Side note, does he have friends, even just one? That makes a huge difference.

[1a1a]

Very doubtful that laughing along and pretending it doesn’t bother him will stop it. The advice to ignore bullies has got to be based on the wishful thinking of adults the problem will go away. 
 

Tangent a friends dad was bullied mercilessly at work for more than a decade and ultimately took his life over it. I’m sure he didn’t react much either but it’s still doing damage. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Sweet Sue said:

 my daughter wishes to handle it in her own way.

Try to respect this. Perhaps she was just venting rather than looking for advice. Is she close to her father? Perhaps if they are closer geographically and in general he can advise her on whatever legal issues there may be. All you can do is love and support your grandchildren and daughter.

 

[boltnrun]

12 minutes ago, 1a1a said:

Very doubtful that laughing along and pretending it doesn’t bother him will stop it.

Those adults who advise to do this probably don't remember what it's like to be a kid. I do remember. Laughing along does nothing to stop bullying. 

[tattoobunnie]

On 9/20/2023 at 12:46 AM, Sweet Sue said:

Can anyone add anything? 

Demand to have a DASA report filled out.  File a police report.  The detective will get a yearbook for your son to point out the kid.  Also contact the Superintendent.  Is you grandson still being bullied, or was the bruised shins the one time.

HUGS...no child should be afraid to get an education.

[SooSad33]

Does he not know who hit him?  So sad, this bullying 😕 .

My youngest was noted 'delayed' before he started school and by jr years was shipped off to another school so he could 'learn' more to assist him better thru his schooling ( was trained on a laptop).  He loved that school, but by his sr years, ended up back at his old school, until HS.

Have you guys spoken to guidance counsellors at the school at all?  If he is under the spectrum, they should be stepping up to make his learning better for him.

Maybe you can get him into a different school - and is he in special ed classes or one for his autism?

 

 

 

[Sweet Sue]

Boltnrun- my grandson doesn't have many friends. He is extremely introverted and exhibits social awkwardness (according to his mother). He has made a new friend in school this year, but doesn't speak much about him to me. 

tattoobunnie - what is a DASA? I agree, no kid should have to go through that. My daughter is extremely frustrated at how inept the school authorities have been through all this. Evidently, it's relatively common and they can't handle all the complaints. 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Sweet Sue said:

Boltnrun- my grandson doesn't have many friends. He is extremely introverted and exhibits social awkwardness (according to his mother). He has made a new friend in school this year, but doesn't speak much about him to me. 

tattoobunnie - what is a DASA? I agree, no kid should have to go through that. My daughter is extremely frustrated at how inept the school authorities have been through all this. Evidently, it's relatively common and they can't handle all the complaints. 

Hopefully your daughter is keeping a paper trail and continuing to go up the chain of authority. Good luck and I'm sorry.

[Kathryn657xx]

On 9/20/2023 at 5:46 AM, Sweet Sue said:

My grandson is 12 years old and is in middle school. He is in the 7th grade and makes good grades. He loves music and plays the trombone. He is rather shy and has been described as socially inept. As a young child, his mother noticed that he might be autistic and had him tested. He does have the markers for autism. He is 5'6" and is overweight -  to be quite honest - extremely overweight.

At school, his is teased and made fun of because of the way he dresses, his social awkwardness and obviously his weight. More recently, things took a turn for the worse. Some kid - (we have not yet identified) kicked my grandson in the shins, leaving bruises. My daughter took photographs and reported the incident to his teachers and school principal, yet as of this writing, nothing has been done. The incident happened on or around Sept. 8. 

She has made numerous attempts to resolve this issue, but to no avail. Her calls and emails are being ignored.

THIS HAS GOT TO STOP! 

My grandson is terrified of going to school. Unfortunately, this is NOT a new thing. He was bullied in Elementary school and very little was done to stop it because it was 'out of control'. 

My question is: What can be done to stop the bullying and the physical attacks on my grandson? 

I am a former teacher myself, and in my experience, this was NOT a common thing. 

I recommended that she start with a meeting with the teacher, principal and perhaps a lawyer - her father is a lawyer. Document everything said and see what happens. If nothing happens, go up the chain of command until you get results...

Can anyone add anything? 

Please go into that school and address the bully directly - kid or not. I had a similar issue with my daughter, a boy at school calling her fat. I confronted him in a very nice manner and asked him why he keeps saying it and told him that if he said it one more time i would tell his mum and he would be in serious trouble. He was 8 years old at the time, i was in no way aggressive or scary - it was a very matter-of-fact approach. He has never verbally abused her again.