dating in older age

[AndieA]

I am a widow of almost 6 years, I was 64 at the time my husband died.  When 60ish men asked me out, it did not appeal to me.  I felt more comfortable with men older than myself.  So now I have been dating a man almost 7 years my junior for almost a year and am really falling for him.  We are so compatible.  We are together all the time and enjoy each other's company.  Nothing has been verbalized that we are exclusive although he has said things like, in the course of conversation "if you decide to break up with me...." and has referred to me as his girlfriend and to himself as my boyfriend.    The red flags are that he may be embarrassed by my age, he does not introduce me as his girlfriend, e.g. when I met his brother.  He has said that he wants to introduce me to his mother but that she will make such a big fuss about it he just doesn't want to deal with it, "yet".  He talks about us in the future even at our ages.  He is going to be gone for ten days and I decided I should tell him that I love him.  I figured, if this was too much for him to deal with I would have a ten day start on getting over him.  He said "I love you too" but it seemed like that was a knee jerk reaction.  He also said he knew this was coming and that is was alright and okay that I told him how I felt.  That is what I am curious about.  Is that a good or bad thing, "I knew this was coming"??    He did say he would miss me while he was gone.  Sheesh I am too old for this!!  I don't want this teenage angst LOL!  

[Lambert]

7 minutes ago, AndieA said:

Sheesh I am too old for this!!  I don't want this teenage angst LOL!

I think these feelings are telling you what you're not ready to admit to yourself.. that you're settling for less.

You're totally right to feel at this age, you don't want to be with a guy that gives you BS.

And it BS to be a certain age and hung up on what your mom says and not wanting to deal with her reactions to how you live your life and who you choose to spend time with. 

I'm sorry, but it is bad to view the 'first I love you' as something you new was coming. What kind of response is that?  Love and a declaration is something people dream about.  And here is this dude. 

Ugh. I'm sorry.  You can do better. Sure it's great to share good times, but that 'we are in this together' has to be there, too. 

[Cherylyn]

Have a discussion with him.  Since he said, "I love you"  and you'll tell him the same sentiment upon returning from your 10 day absence,  ask him when he intends to introduce you as his girlfriend?  If he's embarrassed by your age,  your age can remain between you two and no one else needs to know.  They should simply be told:  "No comment."  That's a nice way of saying,  "Mind your own business."  I wouldn't pressure him about the introduction though but eventually should your paths cross again with his brother and mother or if he interacts with them regularly,  he should let them know he has a girlfriend out of respect for you. 

[lostandhurt]

No knowing much about him or his past it is nearly impossible for any of us to come to the conclusion he is embarrassed by your age.  In fact since younger men asked you out previously it would seem you attract younger men so just accept you are a hottie.

 You have been dating almost a year so just throwing that away on some hunches seems silly don't you think?  When he returns sit down with him and ask him straight out what you want to know.

 "Why don't you introduce me as your gf?"  We have been dating a year now and I still haven't met your mother, do you think she will not like me?"

 Just cutting bait without at least talking things through makes no sense and if you did do that it would just leave you wondering and wondering instead of knowing.

 Be brave and speak up, it is your relationship too and you get to decide if you stay or go just like he does for himself.

 Lost

PS  Sounds like you get plenty of attention from men so I doubt you would be alone for long after you heal up if this ends.  Feeling like a teenager aint all bad...

[AndieA]

7 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

 "Why don't you introduce me as your gf?"  We have been dating a year now and I still haven't met your mother, do you think she will not like me?"

 Just cutting bait without at least talking things through makes no sense and if you did do that it would just leave you wondering and wondering instead of knowing.

 Be brave and speak up, it is your relationship too and you get to decide if you stay or go just like he does for himself.

 Lost

PS  Sounds like you get plenty of attention from men so I doubt you would be alone for long after you heal up if this ends.  Feeling like a teenager aint all bad...

You are absolutely right.  I will do this.  Funny how I couldn't see this as clearly as you stated it.

[AndieA]

17 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Have a discussion with him.  Since he said, "I love you"  and you'll tell him the same sentiment upon returning from your 10 day absence,  ask him when he intends to introduce you as his girlfriend?  If he's embarrassed by your age,  your age can remain between you two and no one else needs to know.  They should simply be told:  "No comment."  That's a nice way of saying,  "Mind your own business."  I wouldn't pressure him about the introduction though but eventually should your paths cross again with his brother and mother or if he interacts with them regularly,  he should let them know he has a girlfriend out of respect for you. 

Thank you for this, I will have this discussion upon his return.  

[lostandhurt]

14 minutes ago, AndieA said:

You are absolutely right.  I will do this.  Funny how I couldn't see this as clearly as you stated it.

You are very close to this so it isn't clear to you is all.  Way to much what ifs and how comes crowd out our common sense thinking when it comes to matters of love and relationships.

Let us know how it turns out

 Lost

[AndieA]

On 9/19/2023 at 10:35 PM, lostandhurt said:

Let us know how it turns out

 Lost

We had the talk.  He said he is not to the point in the relationship I am, then said I was his complete package, but he does not love me.  He still maintains that he is a very private person and just does not talk about personal relationships with friends and family.  He wants to figure things out, I didn't know this but before he met me he was in a 5 year relationship which ended because he has a life long dream to move out west and she wasn't going to move.  Whether his feelings will deepen for me he does not know.  But we will maintain what we have, which is what I want also.  The important thing to me at this point is he is not looking elsewhere, I am what he wants, we are exclusive and very compatible (his words).   FWIW his honesty is very refreshing.  

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, AndieA said:

We had the talk.  He said he is not to the point in the relationship I am, then said I was his complete package, but he does not love me.  He still maintains that he is a very private person and just does not talk about personal relationships with friends and family.  He wants to figure things out, I didn't know this but before he met me he was in a 5 year relationship which ended because he has a life long dream to move out west and she wasn't going to move.  Whether his feelings will deepen for me he does not know.  But we will maintain what we have, which is what I want also.  The important thing to me at this point is he is not looking elsewhere, I am what he wants, we are exclusive and very compatible (his words).   FWIW his honesty is very refreshing.  

It's up to you if the benefits of dating him outweigh the downsides.  He seems to be content being committed to a woman he does not love -and this also means he's going to keep you a secret because there's no point in introducing you to family -I really don't think it's because he's a private person more a matter of since you're not the one why bother.  But if you get enough benefits to make it worth it to keep dating then sure.  I also like that he is not leading you on and told you where he stood.

I don't think a man who saw serious potential in you would tell you he doesn't love you -he'd tell you he is falling for you and he thinks he will be "there" sooner rather than later. He's hedging with he doesn't know but if you stay with him he will wonder why you're settling for scraps. That likely won't result in deeper feelings -it's often a turn off. You sound like a very smart and self aware person - why are you settling for this?

[boltnrun]

Do you think if you stick around he'll eventually "grow" to love you?

[AndieA]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do you think if you stick around he'll eventually "grow" to love you?

That is a good question.   Is that a possibility.  What do the men here think?   It actually happened that way with my late husband.  At this point I am willing to take that gamble.  I do not believe I will be any more hurt in the near future if it doesn't work, as I will be now if we ended it.  Context:  I was not looking for a relationship when I met him.  I was very happy with my life, I had had a wonderful life with my husband.  I have several interests which keep me busy in my retirement.  If we end it, I won't be looking.  

[AndieA]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

- why are you settling for this?

I don't feel like I am settling, as I was not looking for anything when we met (I had a wonderful almost 40 year marriage), and if eventually doesn't work, I won't be looking for anything else.  We are compatible in so many ways and enjoy being in each other's company.  So at this point, yes, the benefits outweigh the downside.  

[Wiseman2]

On 9/19/2023 at 9:42 PM, AndieA said:

  Sheesh I am too old for this!!  I don't want this teenage angst LOL!  

If you are enjoying yourself and his companionship, it's fine. You're not a kid and don't need labels and so forth. It's not as if you're in your 20s looking for marriage, family, etc etc.  You've been there, done that. Just enjoy your life. 

[rainbowsandroses]

Just out of curiosity, how did you meet him?  

There's a new "The Bachelor" that began last night.  The Bachelor is 72!  The ladies are 65-75.   

He's handsome and appears quite distinguished!

Jmo but no need to settle for a man who doesn't love you and on the same page as you after one year. 

There's a 70ish woman in my building who's dating a man 75 (she told me his age), and they are so cute! 

You can tell they're in love just by looking at them!  It's nice to see. 

Don't you want that for yourself too?  You won't meet him if you remain with this man. 

Anyway, jmo, good luck!  

 

[Starlight925]

But why would you stay with a man who was "ho hum" when you told him you loved him, and has told you outright that he doesn't love you?

I'm close to your age and single, so I'm not finger-wagging.  I see this happen so often in women our age:  acceptance of "meh" in the men they see, where there is literally no future.  

It just gives me pause, and that's why I'm asking you:  He's been honest.  He does not love you.  There is no future.  Yet you stay.  Why? 

[lostandhurt]

3 hours ago, AndieA said:

FWIW his honesty is very refreshing.

Yes it is.  Can you see how your fear of the answer you wanted to ask kept you in knots?  It is better to ask and know the answer no matter good or bad than fret over it.

If you are okay with the status quo then all is good.

You are okay with it right?

Lost

[AndieA]

5 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Yes it is.  Can you see how your fear of the answer you wanted to ask kept you in knots?  It is better to ask and know the answer no matter good or bad than fret over it.

If you are okay with the status quo then all is good.

You are okay with it right?

Lost

Yes, you are right. 🙂 I am okay with the status quo. 

[AndieA]

7 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Just out of curiosity, how did you meet him?  

There's a new "The Bachelor" that began last night.  The Bachelor is 72!  The ladies are 65-75.   

He's handsome and appears quite distinguished!

Jmo but no need to settle for a man who doesn't love you and on the same page as you after one year. 

There's a 70ish woman in my building who's dating a man 75 (she told me his age), and they are so cute! 

You can tell they're in love just by looking at them!  It's nice to see. 

Don't you want that for yourself too?  You won't meet him if you remain with this man. 

Anyway, jmo, good luck!  

 

Nice to hear about people my age finding love.  But really, I wasn't looking and won't look if this ends.  The meeting was happenstance.  We live in the same condo complex and I was walking to the tennis courts.  His dog rushed me (friendly) and we talked a bit.  He said he played tennis and would like to play sometime.  He had just moved in.    He looked like he was younger than me so I didn't give it a second thought.  Saw him again a few weeks later and he mentioned tennis again, so I gave him my number if he ever wanted to play.   

Why do I stay if there is no future?  Because that isn't ruled out at this point (his words).  And if it ends, I won't be looking as I wasn't looking when I met him.  I was happy and busy with interests, being single.  

[AndieA]

6 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

But why would you stay with a man who was "ho hum" when you told him you loved him, and has told you outright that he doesn't love you?

I'm close to your age and single, so I'm not finger-wagging.  I see this happen so often in women our age:  acceptance of "meh" in the men they see, where there is literally no future.  

It just gives me pause, and that's why I'm asking you:  He's been honest.  He does not love you.  There is no future.  Yet you stay.  Why? 

I guess it is hard to get the flavor of a conversation onto type, but it wasn't "I don't love you, I'll never love you, there is no future."  Remember, I asked him about his feelings, he didn't spontaneously tell me these feelings with the idea of ending things.   At our age, there are ties that can keep people together besides being in love, like companionship and compatibility.  We'll see in this case if that is enough.  Looking back to when I first posted, I realize now my biggest fear was losing him completely, not whether he loved me or not.  If he is not looking elsewhere and won't be as long as we're together (his words), I can stay.  

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, AndieA said:

I don't feel like I am settling, as I was not looking for anything when we met (I had a wonderful almost 40 year marriage), and if eventually doesn't work, I won't be looking for anything else.  We are compatible in so many ways and enjoy being in each other's company.  So at this point, yes, the benefits outweigh the downside.  

Oh ok so if you're not looking for someone who will fall in love with you and want to be committed to you out of love and you're having fun, why not? But ask yourself -if I knew he was never going to fall in love with me how long would I stay? Also know that most people don't respect people who stick around after that sort of talk.  So you might see a change in how he interacts with you/treats you which might detract from the fun.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, AndieA said:

I guess it is hard to get the flavor of a conversation onto type, but it wasn't "I don't love you, I'll never love you, there is no future."  Remember, I asked him about his feelings, he didn't spontaneously tell me these feelings with the idea of ending things.   At our age, there are ties that can keep people together besides being in love, like companionship and compatibility.  We'll see in this case if that is enough.  Looking back to when I first posted, I realize now my biggest fear was losing him completely, not whether he loved me or not.  If he is not looking elsewhere and won't be as long as we're together (his words), I can stay.  

Those ties at "our age" (I am 57) have to do with the glue of love - the other ties often are -kids/family /many years together - but couples who no longer love each other do stay together out of convenience but it's sad IMO.  (I am 57/husband 56, married almost 15 years together this time around for 18!).  One of my relatives lost his wife in his 70s, fell madly in love with a woman about 10 years younger and when he was 80 they married - till he died about 10 plus years later. They were in love.  From almost the first date.  They also loved each other's families and in fact his family originally introduced them. It's not about age.  At all. Please stop telling yourself lies.  

I think love can grow/develop - like in arranged marriages where the couple grow to love each other after meeting for the first time shortly before a wedding. Like a couple dating only a few months and perhaps one person is a bit "behind" the other in terms of strong feelings -but both people believe it will happen and soon.  There's none of this "wow you're Miss Right Now/the complete package but darn it, I'm just not feeling IT and by the way it works cause I'm such a private person so you wouldn't be meeting my family anyway!"  You're old enough to know better.

For sure he's perfect for a fun fling and likely you won't contract an STD as he seems to want to keep the promise of monogamy and also not dating around for now.  Fun -yes.  A potentially serious loving relationship - I highly doubt it.  

He might keep his promise to you out of a sense of ethics/obligation/avoiding STDs. but most people would have the dream of someone else.  You are not that someone else as he's told you you're just the complete package/Ms. Right For Now.

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you are enjoying yourself and his companionship, it's fine. You're not a kid and don't need labels and so forth. It's not as if you're in your 20s looking for marriage, family, etc etc.  You've been there, done that. Just enjoy your life. 

Being in love and committed based on love is not just a label -the words define it-what matters i the meaning and substance below it.  There's no substance on his end - she's the complete package and he's content to settle for now and not looking for a loving relationship. Obviously they don't need to marry or be engaged etc but he has labeled this -she is his Miss Right Now/Package Deal and he's not in love with her and unsure whether he ever will be. And he's happy not to look around cause he's not in that mindset generally so she'll do.

[Andrina]

Has he ever asked you if you're willing to move out West, since that was the dealbreaker to his last relationship?

[Starlight925]

17 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Has he ever asked you if you're willing to move out West, since that was the dealbreaker to his last relationship?

And IS he in fact moving out west?  

[AndieA]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

Has he ever asked you if you're willing to move out West, since that was the dealbreaker to his last relationship?

He did about 4 weeks ago and I said I would (and that is true).  At that time I did not know it had been a dealbreaker in a past relationship.