dating in older age

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

IDK Bat, what I'm seeing from our OP is the opposite.

That she IS fully aware he may never fall in love with her, she's accepted that possibility and has chosen to move forward regardless.

Versus secretly hoping he falls in love with her and basing her decisions on that hope. 

I could be wrong but that's how I interpret it.  

 

I don't care about right or wrong and what I read tells me she's hopeful if she sticks around he'll fall in love.  And she's mentioned relocating with him so I was commenting on that. I wish her the best of luck!

[AndieA]

19 hours ago, Batya33 said:

So then you know your standards -if he sticks around for __ amount of time you're good to uproot your life even if he doesn't love you.

Maybe the question should be why would he stick around for so long if he is not in love.  After all, if he is faithful, I have the man I love.  Maybe being in love himself is not what he needs.  

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Yep. Just raising the suggestion to pull back the microscope on typical age ranges with typical agendas. And also suggesting that not every elder is a potential victim of fraud.

It’s actually in our own best interests to recognize and look forward to the wisdom that isn’t boxed in ways we may have been conditioned to believe.

Sometimes the stuff that could otherwise freak us out is perfectly calming for experienced people to embrace. When we can let go of a structured mentality around ‘shoulds’ in older relationships, we can stop getting in our own way before we get there. 😍

I wasn't talking about every elder.  I don't believe that either.  I don't think there should be shoulds other than -self honesty, self-respect/dignity and watching out for red flags as far as one's health and finances and property, etc.

My friend is in her 60s and very experienced and hired a handyman who worked for a close friend's son in his business to renovate her apartment.  She said he was quirky (so is she!) but so friendly/reliable with her (although not with others), hardworking, fair, reasonable, delivered as expected.  She did all the right things and had a budget and he helped her with that too. 

She paid him in cash and kept certain receipts and he was supposed to give her the final itemized bill for her tax purposes. He left a few minor things undone.  And then he ghosted her, and also her friend's son, everyone else who she knew worked with him. So now she has to try to recreate what she paid so she can report it.  Multiple attempts to reach him from various people. We suspect it has to do with a divorce he is going through. 

But my experienced friend who works full time, is educated, has a side business too - basically got taken -she should have kept more meticulous receipts but he was checked off all the things on the list of a good handyman.  She didn't risk her heart but on a practical level - this is an older experienced educated business woman getting taken (luckily not in a totally major way) and she's a great read on human behavior -it's even part of her business and background! - she's a mom and grandma, and she got ghosted and didn't see it coming.

OP I wish you all the best and I hope it all works out as you wish!

[AndieA]

16 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

That is a very pragmatic way of looking at it and I really admire you for that.  Inspired even.  Thank you for that!

That no matter what happens, whatever the outcome turns out to be, you WILL be OK.  You will survive.  I will

It also got me thinking about how much our ego plays a role in the choices we make with respect to relationships and love and how we choose to love. 

I know for me, my ego is definitely a factor.  It's like, I'm in love with him and I want him, I need him to be in love with ME!  And if he's not in love with me, screw him, bye. 

Is that my love for him speaking, or is it my ego?  Do you (or others) have any thoughts about that? Not sure it is ego, I think it is just one of the aspects of the mystery of love.  And all our experiences affect how we view love.  I mean look, the mystery of love has been the subject of philosophers and poets for hundreds of years!  Who has figured it out?    For me, I just want to be with the man I love.  And usually, his being mutually in love is more of a guarantee that I can be with him.  But if he can be with me faithfully, exclusively, that is enough for me, at this time in my life.  Like you said, he brings joy and value to me.  

Even though as in your case, he brings value and joy to your life, he enhances your already fulfilling life and vice versa.  Which at the end of the day, is what truly matters? YES!!

Back to my post, even having posted it, I acknowledge that he could meet another woman tomorrow who strikes his fancy even IF he were in love with you. Exactly 

Anything can happen, no guarantees ever.  It's all a risk.  Yes, exactly.

So what IS love anyway, what does love mean in the grand scheme? $64,000 question!

I'm recently divorced after a short and lonely marriage, 😀I think you will be okay, you have a good attitude and worldview.

 

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, AndieA said:

Maybe the question should be why would he stick around for so long if he is not in love.  After all, if he is faithful, I have the man I love.  Maybe being in love himself is not what he needs.  

Because people move towards pleasure and away from pain and this person gets pleasure out of hanging out with you, dating you, having sex with you and doesn't need to feel in love with you to do so.  He's fine not looking to have sex or date other women for now because you know that takes lots of time/effort and he enjoys being with you in every way despite not being in love with you. Also it's awesome for his ego to have sex with and date a woman who is in love with him! 

Maybe he doesn't need to feel in love in general -and you're willing to take the chance with your heart /finances/where you live - on this maybe.  I wish you the best in taking that chance - for sure I defer to you as long as you're being honest with yourself.  If you knew he'd never fall in love with you how long would you stay? So far you've answered you would stay for however long you still feel like dating him and he still feels like dating you, exclusively.  My answer in this situation of course is irrelevant.

I don't go with the truisms of "it's all a risk" -obviously. I'm a proponent of managing risks and benefits.  I have to do that all the time in my job, as a wife and mother of a teenager (boy do I!). I had to do that when my husband and I got back together in 2005 -it was risky for sure! I was risking the chance to be a mom, I was risking heartache again, risking foregoing opportunities to meet other men, risking having to leave my family and my hometown of 40 years or so to relocate which was part of the musts of getting back together with him. 

I took those risks.  But not because "oh you know it's all a risk" -I made myself do the work of balancing risks and benefits.  I respect those who don't do this -throw caution to the wind/act impulsively -as long as they don't hurt others of course.  I respect that too. 

 

[AndieA]

21 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

 

 

OP I wish you all the best and I hope it all works out as you wish!

Thanks, I appreciate that.  I am under no delusions.  Like I said earlier, he is a ruminator like me.  He may say things in the course of a conversation that he really didn't think through and come to other conclusions with more thought.  If I know anything, I KNOW he will tell me that he could never love me, wants love and will cut me loose, or he is on his way to those feelings with me and to continue as we were.  I am prepared for the former, hope for the latter.  I will update on this thread.  

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, AndieA said:

Thanks, I appreciate that.  I am under no delusions.  Like I said earlier, he is a ruminator like me.  He may say things in the course of a conversation that he really didn't think through and come to other conclusions with more thought.  If I know anything, I KNOW he will tell me that he could never love me, wants love and will cut me loose, or he is on his way to those feelings with me and to continue as we were.  I am prepared for the former, hope for the latter.  I will update on this thread.  

I respect your personal values and standards of how you expect to be treated in a dating relationship!

[AndieA]

Quick update, things are going really well.  Better than before.  I don't want to say much more, I know this is silly but I don't want to jinx it!  Hope all is well with you guys, as I really do appreciate ALL of your comments and advice!

[AndieA]

Hello everyone.  I am updating now because I will be posting about a rather serious issue in another forum and that issue is tangentially related to this one.  Things are going very well.  He wants me with him during all of his free time (he still works), he wants to know what my daily plans are and tells me what he is doing and when he will be home.  Whenever he looks at/uses his phone he tells me who/what etc.  Not that I ever asked him or tried to look at what he was doing because it wasn't my business (I have seen in these forums where that is an issue between people but it never bothered me).  We buy each other things at the store if one of us is going and the other is busy, you know, just things that define us as a couple.  More now than before.  I am optimistic but cautious.  

[Batya33]

Why not tell him to stop reporting all that useless info to you about his phone?

[AndieA]

21 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why not tell him to stop reporting all that useless info to you about his phone?

It is just conversation.  For example, "my mom just ran her car into her gas grill".  Or, "so and so's Mom just went into the hospital".  

[Batya33]

On 10/30/2023 at 12:47 PM, AndieA said:

It is just conversation.  For example, "my mom just ran her car into her gas grill".  Or, "so and so's Mom just went into the hospital".  

Oh ok -it's not reporting to you out of a sense of obligation.  I make it a point to minimize asking my husband "who called?" unless there's a very good reason.  Often I will tell him "I'm going to call my mom now" so he knows I may be unavailable for awhile as far as our child etc. 

[AndieA]

Things are still going very well, he took me on a trip where I met another brother and his best friends.  But on this trip he revealed that his ex-girlfriend of 5 years cheated on him (Not sure he actually meant to tell me, he was describing how dear his best friends-who are a married couple- stood by him when his gf cheated on him).  So it wasn't what he told me before, that she didn't want to move out west with him at some point in the future.  But I imagine that a gf cheating is something very hard for him to talk about.  It hurt him deeply.  Between the time he told me and now, he had a family crisis during which I didn't want to press for details.  And when he told me, I could tell he wasn't going to say anything else.  I have learned how to read that in him.  But I would like to try today during some time we will spend together.    I am really curious about how did he find out, did he drop her right away, how long had she cheated, does he still have feelings for her.  So my question here is, are these fair questions to ask?   

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, AndieA said:

    I am really curious about how did he find out, did he drop her right away, how long had she cheated, does he still have feelings for her.  So my question here is, are these fair questions to ask?   

Please allow him some privacy. The details of his past relationship, how it ended the details of the exgf cheating, etc. really won't do much to understand him or build your relationship.  As you mentioned, it's just curiosity. Focus on you two and leave the past in the past. 

[boltnrun]

Please do not interrogate him about what has to be a very painful memory. Control your own curiosity. Besides, you love him, right? So why poke him with a stick in a painful area?

[AndieA]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Please do not interrogate him about what has to be a very painful memory. Control your own curiosity. Besides, you love him, right? So why poke him with a stick in a painful area?

Thank you and Wiseman for the input, that is why I asked here, before "interrogating"!  

[AndieA]

47 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please allow him some privacy. The details of his past relationship, how it ended the details of the exgf cheating, etc. really won't do much to understand him or build your relationship.  As you mentioned, it's just curiosity. Focus on you two and leave the past in the past. 

I appreciate this input very much!!

[Batya33]

I think your temptation is because he's being secretive about the family crisis.  So now you want to reassure yourself that he indeed is an open book about things that matter.  Also the relationship may have ended also because she wouldn't relocate so why try to get over the cheating.  But his past -painful past -is his private business and yes give him space as far as his current family crisis -let him come to you.

[AndieA]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I think your temptation is because he's being secretive about the family crisis.  So now you want to reassure yourself that he indeed is an open book about things that matter.  Also the relationship may have ended also because she wouldn't relocate so why try to get over the cheating.  But his past -painful past -is his private business and yes give him space as far as his current family crisis -let him come to you.

He was not secretive about the crisis.  He called me about 10 times over the course of the 2 days he was gone to keep me updated.  I guess I am just nosy!!  But you all have given me the right direction and I thank you for that and glad I asked!    OH I see the confusion.  I meant I did not want to press for details about the ex-gf when he was dealing with a family crisis, which happened within hours after he told me about his ex-gf .

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, AndieA said:

He was not secretive about the crisis.  He called me about 10 times over the course of the 2 days he was gone to keep me updated.  I guess I am just nosy!!  But you all have given me the right direction and I thank you for that and glad I asked!    OH I see the confusion.  I meant I did not want to press for details about the ex-gf when he was dealing with a family crisis, which happened within hours after he told me about his ex-gf .

Oh I see! I'd ease up on the "pressing for details" way of approaching situations with him.  You can acknowledge that you're nosy and choose to practice not acting nosy.  

[Starlight925]

Often, the “need to know” stems from insecurity.  (Ask me how I know lol).

I agree with the others, and that you should just let this lie, and let him come to you when he feels like talking. Then, you can let him know that you’ll be a happy listener anytime he’s ready to share more, but that you’re happy with the way things are right now.

That relieves the pressure on him, and at some point, I have a feeling he’ll come to you with some more details as he learns to trust you more and open up.

In the meantime, it sounds like things are going great, and that he is very happy with you. You go, girl!

[AndieA]

Last update.  Well folks I guess this has gone full circle.  He has told me he loves me.  I do believe that you all helped me so much by tempering my actions, and things evolved.  Wishing all of you peace, happiness, joy and love.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, AndieA said:

Last update.  Well folks I guess this has gone full circle.  He has told me he loves me.  I do believe that you all helped me so much by tempering my actions, and things evolved.  Wishing all of you peace, happiness, joy and love.

What lovely words to hear!

[catfeeder]

On 3/24/2024 at 6:00 AM, AndieA said:

Last update.  Well folks I guess this has gone full circle.  He has told me he loves me.  I do believe that you all helped me so much by tempering my actions, and things evolved.  Wishing all of you peace, happiness, joy and love.

Terrific! Thank you for the update and the great news.