Long-distance guy - update

[rainbowsandroses]

11 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I'm happu to read the advice on here but I don't think it's helpful if soneone start to over-analyze my reaction to a voice note.

Huh? I made one very VERY brief comment about the voice note. 

I was expressing my opinion about your interaction/friendship as a whole and that it would be wise to take a pragmatic approach.  I am NOT discouraging you from interacting with him.

And as @Batya33 often says, "watch the feet not the lips."  Which is great advice.

Again, take OR leave Kim and again wish you the best no matter which way this goes. 

 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, kim42 said:

 I don't think it's helpful if someone starts to over-analyze my reaction to a voice note. Yes, I was nervous and I don't think it makes sense to deeply analyze why I was nervous, especially after I explained it. Please relax, again, it's an online forum, we all have real lives I believe

Agree it's just a simple matter for now as to adjusting to whatever communication changes are going on. 

[kim42]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I made one very brief comment about the voice note.

I was expressing my opinion about your interaction/friendship as a whole and that it would be wise to take a pragmatic approach. 

And as @Batya33 often says, "watch the feet not the lips."

Again, take OR leave Kim and again wish you the best no matter which way this goes. 

 

I believe it was someone else who was analyzing it, and to whom I replied 'please stop over-analyzing', so I don't know why you take it so personally.

I'm trying to stay realistic about it, I know very well that many things can happen in the meantime that I can't control. I'm not buying a wedding dress or anything.

[rainbowsandroses]

20 minutes ago, kim42 said:

so I don't know why you take it so personally.

Because you quoted my post when saying it. 😀  But no worries, thanks for clarifying.

20 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I'm trying to stay realistic about it, I know very well that many things can happen in the meantime that I can't control. I'm not buying a wedding dress or anything.

That's good to hear Kim.  And I truly hope it all works out the way you hope. 

 

 

[kim42]

Ok, so back to my dislike of phone calls.

Do you guys have any advice on how to feel more comfortable on the phone?

I think I don't like phone calls because I can't see the other person, so I don't know how they react to what I say.

I only talk on the phone with my elderly family members from Eastern Europe (they don't like typing messages on the phone) and 2 friends who I am very comfortable with.

[boltnrun]

30 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I think I don't like phone calls because I can't see the other person, so I don't know how they react to what I say.

You can't with texting either!

I sometimes draw a blank when I'm talking to someone I like or who intimidates me for whatever reason. So I try to have some topics in mind. You could talk to him about things you would like to explore if you get a chance to visit his city again. Or ask him about his overseas family. How was their visit? Did they do anything unusual? 

Also, maybe you could consider a video call. That way you can see him and he can see you. 

[Jaunty]

8 hours ago, kim42 said:

Am I overthinking this? 

I say YES!  

The whole reason I got involved in your long thread about this guy was because you were (in my opinion) fretting about frequency of texting between you and this guy who you clearly like, but with whom there was / is not a path forward to anything more than staying connected via texting.  

I truly believe that the ONLY thing for you to do is to be ok with whatever is happening, since you are clearly enjoying it, which is great, and try very hard to drop the worrying and analysis.

You are who you are with the traits that you have, and that's all good. 

Think about this though:  What if you were not an overthinking type of person and more "devil may care."   You might be comfortable with just dialing his number and talking to him!  It might go over swimmingly and it might not, but for sure, no devastation would ensue.

Please don't get me wrong, I am not even suggesting that you do this.  I don't think that this is "you."  But it could probably help you step back from the overthinking if you took a look at it from a very different point of view.

This is just me and I am not trying to sway you, but I could not abide communicating with anyone through voice messages unless it was logistical business type of stuff.

If I'm using my voice, I am expecting a CONVERSATION.  Texting, like writing of any kind, is coming from a different place.  

Of course I am way older than you and I'm sure there are a lot of boats I've missed so if this is workable for you, I wouldn't find fault with it.

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Also, maybe you could consider a video call. That way you can see him and he can see you. 

I agree, I think video calls are easier.

But when I have to make a phone call that makes me nervous, I try to keep busy, like cleaning the kitchen or doing some extra stuff to appear more "relaxed" on the phone. Also I keep standing or walking because I know that I sound more confidant than when I'm sitting or slouching. I also try to find something to talk about in advance, like an anecdote I want to share or something great that happened during the day. The thing is to try to always have a positive tone, and positive conversations. Avoid at all coasts talking about work issues or anything that bothers you if you already struggle with phone conversations. Try to ask him questions and see if the conversation flows... It's usually a good test to see whether there is a connection, how long you are able to talk to each other, and if you feel comfortable doing so. 

It's good he replied about the call. But as others said, wait and see if he actually calls you someday. Maybe he won't and that's ok too. You suggested to plan a call, so now the ball is in his court, let him take the initiative. 

Just to mention, I also hate phone calls, not because of my voice, but because as an introvert, I hate smalltalk, and don't like to have deep conversations on the phone, I rather do that in person.

You know, I am one of these person who google the number appearing on the screen instead of actually take the call😅. I hate phone calls, even with my family and friends... When someone I'm dating calls me, often I don't reply and call back when I feel like doing it, when I actually do it. 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

Ok, so back to my dislike of phone calls.

Do you guys have any advice on how to feel more comfortable on the phone?

I think I don't like phone calls because I can't see the other person, so I don't know how they react to what I say.

I only talk on the phone with my elderly family members from Eastern Europe (they don't like typing messages on the phone) and 2 friends who I am very comfortable with.

Always answer the phone with a smile and keep a smile which will encourage a positive tone of voice.  Also since you're a bit self conscious maybe he can do most of the talking!

 I 100% refuse video calls unless it's for work or essential like  telehealth.

[NighttimeNightmare]

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

It seems to me from reading your posts especially recently about the voice notes, it's causing you quite a bit of angst.

Which is why she’s posting here? People who have various anxiety issues can be with the most “perfect” partner and still have anxiety.

 

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I mean you've spent the last two pages telling us how you dislike phone calls, but now you're upset because it would appear HE doesn't want a phone call?

She’s going to go back and forth, up and down, left and right, all within herself at various points, from day to day, or hour to hour. It’s ok. She’s trying to change her thinking patterns. This is exactly how to change thinking patterns: going through a situation and learning in real-time better ways to cope 

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I'm not "over-analyzing," I

Yes you are. But what bothers me about it, is the fact that Kim has asked you to please stop hyperfocusing and going in circles about certain things and you keep doing it. She’s explained some of your feedback doesn’t align with what she’s feeling in real life and internally, and you keep insisting she must be feeling it, actually, but doesn’t know that she is.  Come on. She wants help with the phone call anxiety, frankly I’m shocked she hasn’t rage-quit and deleted the thread, I would have. 

 

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Look, I am not against you continuing your interaction/friendship, just try and have a more pragmatic attitude about it, that's all.

It's all very ambiguous and up in the air at the moment and I don't want to see you get hurt

She’s explained that she’s pretty much worked this out, she’s not building an altar to him in her room and summoning an outcome… she enjoys his friendship and she’s communicating with a friend while working out some of her issues. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

Ok so let’s talk about your hesitancy to listen to the voicemail - has something tragic happened to you regarding phones and the information they may deliver?

your answer to this may be “no,” but I’m curious. 
 

for example: I too won’t listen to voicemails right away, if at all. Even if they’re from people who have consistently been a positive interaction over the phone. This is a result of my now associating phones with trauma because when my dad was sick with cancer, my phone became a device for bad news. Every call I got was bad, the doctors, the family, the day to day issues. Then his death.  If an unknown # calls me I have a mini panic attack. I can’t and won’t answer. My body goes into panic. Voice mails? No thanks. My body thinks it’s bad news. So I avoid it. It’s all triggering and makes no sense to anyone. 
 

Just saying, I relate. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

I truly believe that the ONLY thing for you to do is to be ok with whatever is happening, since you are clearly enjoying it, which is great, and try very hard to drop the worrying and analysis.

Totally agree with this^ and the rest of @Jauntypost, and was alI I was suggesting as well Kim.

Enjoy the interaction for what it is, nothing more and nothing less.  Or try to.  

Wish you well as you work through this, which I actually understand as I see myself in you many years back and struggled with the same anxieties.  

Still do on some level so I do get it. 

 

 

 

[Sindy_0311]

50 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

she enjoys his friendship and she’s communicating with a friend while working out some of her issues. 

I think this is where we disagree. I don’t see it as a plain an simple friendship. She confessed many times that she does like him. So your point is irrelevant to me… 

[yogacat]

I think some people are overchiming in because of their own anxiety. That's okay, it happens. It's okay if you dislike phone calls, the right situation for you will match that and work around it.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, kim42 said:

Do you guys have any advice on how to feel more comfortable on the phone?Ionly talk on the phone with my elderly family members from Eastern Europe

It's true older people may prefer phone calls to digital communication. If you don't like phone calls, that's fine. It's not a phobia or anything, just a preference. 

If you two are ok with a mix of voice notes and texts that's fine. If you want to try a phone call that's fine as well but there's certainly no obligation to or reason to think it's a better form of communication if you don't like it. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

5 hours ago, kim42 said:

Do you guys have any advice on how to feel more comfortable on the phone?

I think I don't like phone calls because I can't see the other person, so I don't know how they react to what I say.

Do you know him well enough that it’s appropriate to share this with him? 
 

I’ve found in my friendship with a woman I’ve got feelings for I can tell her my issues and she becomes helpful/mindful of and with them.  But we’re close enough that I can do that 

[rainbowsandroses]

@kim42I think I mentioned in a previous post that before I met my current boyfriend, like you I disliked talking on phone and would avoid at all costs.  Much MUCH preferred text and email.

For ME the reason why was because with phone calls, I felt a certain pressure to think of an engaging response to keep the conversation fun and exciting.   

Bantering and such which was easy to do on text/email but not so much with phone calls.  For me anyway, can't speak for others.

Also with text, naturally you have a few moments to think what you want to say versus a phone call which is immediate.. 

It was a shyness combined with a certain anxiety to always be "on," engaging and funny.

All that changed with my current boyfriend because he made it very clear from the beginning he HATED texting.  So he would call me and eventually I got comfortable with it and now I love it, even prefer it! With HIM.

So if you're open to hearing this from me, my suggestion is to soldier through the anxiety (IF that's what you're feeling) and learn to become comfortable with it.  Just like with the friends you mentioned.  It may take a couple of times so be patient with yourself.

I am not saying you will have the same experience as I did but it's worth a shot, no?

If not, you could always go back to texting but the way to conquer a fear or anxiety is to simply DO IT, imho.

[kim42]

Thanks everyone for your advice about phone calls. If it happens, I'll try it, if not, I'm perfectly okay with texting and his voice notes.

I'm not afraid that we won't have a lot to talk about, we can talk for hours so that's not an issue.

 

[kim42]

2 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Ok so let’s talk about your hesitancy to listen to the voicemail - has something tragic happened to you regarding phones and the information they may deliver?

your answer to this may be “no,” but I’m curious. 
 

for example: I too won’t listen to voicemails right away, if at all. Even if they’re from people who have consistently been a positive interaction over the phone. This is a result of my now associating phones with trauma because when my dad was sick with cancer, my phone became a device for bad news. Every call I got was bad, the doctors, the family, the day to day issues. Then his death.  If an unknown # calls me I have a mini panic attack. I can’t and won’t answer. My body goes into panic. Voice mails? No thanks. My body thinks it’s bad news. So I avoid it. It’s all triggering and makes no sense to anyone. 
 

Just saying, I relate. 

Thanks for sharing your story, sorry about your dad.

I think it might be related to something that happened with my family. When I was a child, my das would ride a bike to work. On his way to work, he was hit by a car, and the next time by a bus. Luckily he survived both times but my mum was traumatized by this for a long time, especially by the phone calls she received from the police/hospital. I think her anxierty might have influenced me.

Also, in this case I think I was also nervous because it was the first time he sent a voice note, so very unusual and I get hypervigilant when things are out of ordinary.

[rainbowsandroses]

33 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I highly encourage people to dig deeper in their own experiences to help others to overcome any kind of situations… I guess this what this website is about… don’t you? 

I happen to agree with you @Sindy_0311but have since learned that not everyone takes kindly to that for whatever reason, and that's OKAY.  Going forward, for me anyway, as soon I get a sense an OP is not open to that sort of deep diving/analysis of their situation I will stop.

Here, I was criticized earlier but the way I viewed it, Kim and I were having a conversation, we were both engaging each other.  I made a post voicing an opinion and making a suggestion (to lower expectations and enjoy the interaction for what it is, nothing more, nothing less - for now), she responded, I responded, lather rinse repeat.  It's okay to disagree imo as long as it's done respectfully.

It's all par for the course on these types of forums imo. 

It's ALL good.

 

[kim42]

1 hour ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Do you know him well enough that it’s appropriate to share this with him? 
 

I’ve found in my friendship with a woman I’ve got feelings for I can tell her my issues and she becomes helpful/mindful of and with them.  But we’re close enough that I can do that 

Yes, I'm comfortable sharing this with him. I already told him about how I feel about recording a voice note.

Back in November he told me about his fears (he's afraid of taking the plane and had to see a doctor becauss of it), and I shared my fears too, so I think we're close enough to share these things. He also told opened up about his family so I believe we're quite comfortable with each other.

[catfeeder]

Hi Kim! I have lots of LD friends all over the world, and we stay in touch by phone. Our texts are limited to setting up calls or trips, or sending links or pics that we'll talk about on our next call. Maybe for quick statements, like, "So-and-so lost her job today." or "Checking in to say my physical went well." (But these statements usually prompt impromptu calls...)

I don't love video calls because I feel trapped by the visual field. We might switch to FaceTime for a quick wave and to show something in our home that we're working on or have completed, but then we go back to the regular phone so we can relax. I use earbuds so I can hear clearly and neither of us are at the mercy of background noises on speaker or others overhearing our convo or the discomfort of holding a phone to the head.

I prep for phone time by pouring a glass of wine or a cocktail, then one of us rings. Unless there's something urgent to launch straight into, we discuss what we're drinking, how we made it, and maybe what we cooked for dinner and how we prepped that. From there, we can free-form about our day or week, our opinions on current events, updates on our health and hobbies and families or other friends, maybe new habits we're attempting or products we've tried and love or hate, movies or shows we've seen and recommend or not.

All the while, earbuds allow me to wander my home, do some chores, mute the phone while I use the restroom, sit out on my porch and speak softly--which can be easily heard through my earbud set.

These are such relaxing visits that can last 10 minutes or an hour, depending on where we take out talks. We feel connected and part of one another's lives. When it's time to plan visits, we have even more to talk about--right down to details such as me bringing my little coffee maker because I drink decaf.

I understand the voice thing--I was always self conscious of mine in younger years because I didn't sound like a delicate flower. But here's the things, I'm NOT that. If a man seeks that, I'm not his person. So why not relax into 'Who You Are' and share some of that with one who's willing to share himself with you?

EnjOy!

[LootieTootie]

5 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

...Kim has asked you to please stop hyperfocusing and going in circles about certain things and you keep doing it. She’s explained some of your feedback doesn’t align with what she’s feeling in real life and internally, and you keep insisting she must be feeling it, actually, but doesn’t know that she is.  Come on. She wants help with the phone call anxiety, frankly I’m shocked she hasn’t rage-quit and deleted the thread, I would have. 

 

Yes, I still am shocked Kim is here and still very much composed. 

I think it's ok to just text if thats what you're comfortable with. I mean it's not like its serious between you guys. And if he doesn't like it, well, he just isn't for you. I think a lot of people have their own mode of communication and if phone calls aren't your thing, its not your thing.

There's this funny line from Parks & Recs where the guy goes "My friends know I have a no phone call policy." LOL

 

 

[kim42]

15 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Hi Kim! I have lots of LD friends all over the world, and we stay in touch by phone. Our texts are limited to setting up calls or trips, or sending links or pics that we'll talk about on our next call. Maybe for quick statements, like, "So-and-so lost her job today." or "Checking in to say my physical went well." (But these statements usually prompt impromptu calls...)

I don't love video calls because I feel trapped by the visual field. We might switch to FaceTime for a quick wave and to show something in our home that we're working on or have completed, but then we go back to the regular phone so we can relax. I use earbuds so I can hear clearly and neither of us are at the mercy of background noises on speaker or others overhearing our convo or the discomfort of holding a phone to the head.

I prep for phone time by pouring a glass of wine or a cocktail, then one of us rings. Unless there's something urgent to launch straight into, we discuss what we're drinking, how we made it, and maybe what we cooked for dinner and how we prepped that. From there, we can free-form about our day or week, our opinions on current events, updates on our health and hobbies and families or other friends, maybe new habits we're attempting or products we've tried and love or hate, movies or shows we've seen and recommend or not.

All the while, earbuds allow me to wander my home, do some chores, mute the phone while I use the restroom, sit out on my porch and speak softly--which can be easily heard through my earbud set.

These are such relaxing visits that can last 10 minutes or an hour, depending on where we take out talks. We feel connected and part of one another's lives. When it's time to plan visits, we have even more to talk about--right down to details such as me bringing my little coffee maker because I drink decaf.

I understand the voice thing--I was always self conscious of mine in younger years because I didn't sound like a delicate flower. But here's the things, I'm NOT that. If a man seeks that, I'm not his person. So why not relax into 'Who You Are' and share some of that with one who's willing to share himself with you?

EnjOy!

Thank you, this is vrry helpful. I might need a glass of wine too.

I don't sound like a delicate flower either but he knows how my voice sounds like so I believe he's okay with it 😁

[boltnrun]

15 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Thank you, this is vrry helpful. I might need a glass of wine too.

I don't sound like a delicate flower either but he knows how my voice sounds like so I believe he's okay with it 😁

I doubt he'd ask you for voice notes if he found your voice repulsive.