Long-distance guy - update

[kim42]

31 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Are you disappointed because he doesn't have a job yet? Or because he hasn't visited you? Would you expect a man who's interested in you to go into debt to visit you? What are your expectations or hopes? 

Oh no, I wouldn't want him to have financial issues because of a visit.

I think I was hoping he would get a job in January, he had many interviews and got quite far but none of these  worked out. He shared his disappointments with me so I know his situation is not easy. I think with each interview I was hoping he was closer to getting a job.

He's started to apply for roles that have little or nothing to do with his profession.

I think it might be best for me to have zero or low expectations now.

[Batya33]

Do you trust that he is excited to see you once he can afford to? 

[boltnrun]

6 hours ago, kim42 said:

I think it might be best for me to have zero or low expectations now.

I understood this was to be your mindset from the beginning when you initially decided to continue communicating with him. What changed?

[Jaunty]

7 hours ago, kim42 said:

I think it might be best for me to have zero or low expectations now.

Wasn't this your mindset when you decided to resume contact with him?  

I promise I am not going to start lecturing you - but I would really like to reiterate that there are no grounds here for you to have any expectations.  I don't know what your interactions are like, but I do know how difficult long distance romantic relationships are.  I am talking about relationships where both people are fully committed to it and they have the means and conviction to do the traveling back and forth.   

Your friendship with this man MIGHT blossom into a romantic relationship - because almost anything is possible in this world.   

But the appropriate attitude is "zero to low expectations" regardless of what your friend is experiencing with the guy she is seeing.

 

[kim42]

Maybe expectations is the wrong word, I'm aware of his situation and I know it can take a long time until he sorts his job situation. I'd like to see him again, at some point, but that's not new information. 

So nothing has changed, just this conversation with my friend left me feeling disappointed so I came here to vent.

[kim42]

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Do you trust that he is excited to see you once he can afford to? 

I can't really answer this because I enjoy talking to him without thinking too much about what might or might not happen once he gets a job. I'm trying to stay in the present, without thinking too much about the future.

He always says he's happy to hear from me and looks forward to hearing from me, and I think our communication is much better than before but again, I have no idea when he'll find a job so I'm trying to stay in the present.

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, kim42 said:

 I know it can take a long time until he sorts his job situation. I'd like to see him again, at some point, 

Try to take his job hunting out of the equation. It really has nothing to do with you or your friendship with him. It's also something you have no control over. Please don't worry about his job or finances, they have no bearing on your mutually supportive friendship. 

Please take this friend's gloating with a grain of salt. She's playing hard to get games and believes they're working, but this guy she's bragging about snagging with the hard to get games hadn't actually shown up. 

[kim42]

32 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try to take his job hunting out of the equation. It really has nothing to do with you or your friendship with him. It's also something you have no control over. Please don't worry about his job or finances, they have no bearing on your mutually supportive friendship. 

Please take this friend's gloating with a grain of salt. She's playing hard to get games and believes they're working, but this guy she's bragging about snagging with the hard to get games hadn't actually shown up. 

I understand what you're trying to say but him being unemployed is the reason why he can't visit me. I agree I have no control over his job situation.

[Sindy_0311]

43 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I understand what you're trying to say but him being unemployed is the reason why he can't visit me

It might be the reason why he can’t visit you, but in reality you can’t be sure. 

9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Do you trust that he is excited to see you once he can afford to? 

This is also an interesting question. 

I think you value this guy very much. Didn’t it crossed your mind that he might view you as someone he would date casually? A woman he would hang out with when you go to his city for work. He is ok with texting you or sending voice messages in the times you don’t to see each other but it seems to me he doesn’t want to give you a faux impression by taking the communication to the next level, by flirting or being more engaged or even call you. Would you be ok dating him casually? Like seeing him from time to times without any expectations? 

[kim42]

29 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

It might be the reason why he can’t visit you, but in reality you can’t be sure. 

This is also an interesting question. 

I think you value this guy very much. Didn’t it crossed your mind that he might view you as someone he would date casually? A woman he would hang out with when you go to his city for work. He is ok with texting you or sending voice messages in the times you don’t to see each other but it seems to me he doesn’t want to give you a faux impression by taking the communication to the next level, by flirting or being more engaged or even call you. Would you be ok dating him casually? Like seeing him from time to times without any expectations? 

I really don't want to start speculating that he might be lying or not completely honest. He told me several times that he wants to see me again and wants to visit me once he finds a job. He said he's not comfortable traveling here while unemployed and I trust him enough.

I don't really care about the phone call, I only suggested it because for me it's a better alternative than sending a voice note myself, but again, I'm happy with texting and him sending occasional voice notes. I think he's engaged in our communication, as I said it's much better than before. I'm not a huge fan of flirting over text messages, I honestly don't do it myself so that's not an issue. 

Based on our interactions, I don't think he's looking for casual. He told me he's looking for a serious relationship and he asked if I'm looking for the same thing. He didn't try to sleep with me and he's been very respectful. 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, kim42 said:

I can't really answer this because I enjoy talking to him without thinking too much about what might or might not happen once he gets a job. I'm trying to stay in the present, without thinking too much about the future.

He always says he's happy to hear from me and looks forward to hearing from me, and I think our communication is much better than before but again, I have no idea when he'll find a job so I'm trying to stay in the present.

Does he presently say that he can’t wait till he can see you again ? Once my future husband and I decided to get back together we routinely said this for the times we were long distance. We only saw each other 3 times as friends though before getting back together. He was in town for the summer. I had zero expectations between the three times we met platonically even though I felt a spark and was very attracted to him. But - again this is just me -if he’d followed his good friend’s advice and left town without us being a couple and expected me to meet up again in a month when he’d be back in town I’d likely have moved on.

And I wouldn’t have gone to visit him as friends. Waste of my time and too hard on my emotions. Had he said it was because of a job situation or other significant life situation I’d have been ok with that as long as I saw and believed that this was truly the case and he couldn’t wait to get the situation resolved and be with  me again.
I was in the thick of meeting men through dating sites when he suggested that first platonic catch up meeting. I was turning 39 and time was running out. 
 

Thank goodness he closed the deal when he did. You’re far more patient than me I get it. I do think if you believed with your whole heart that the only reason he’s not racing to see you in person is because he’s unemployed your friend’s news about her first meet and how it came about wouldn’t phase you. So I’m also a fan of you having no expectations.

I think he’s an honest and good person and a good friend and  your interest in dating each other with potential for a serious relationship is imbalanced. 

[kim42]

46 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Does he presently say that he can’t wait till he can see you again ? Once my future husband and I decided to get back together we routinely said this for the times we were long distance. We only saw each other 3 times as friends though before getting back together. He was in town for the summer. I had zero expectations between the three times we met platonically even though I felt a spark and was very attracted to him. But - again this is just me -if he’d followed his good friend’s advice and left town without us being a couple and expected me to meet up again in a month when he’d be back in town I’d likely have moved on.

And I wouldn’t have gone to visit him as friends. Waste of my time and too hard on my emotions. Had he said it was because of a job situation or other significant life situation I’d have been ok with that as long as I saw and believed that this was truly the case and he couldn’t wait to get the situation resolved and be with  me again.
I was in the thick of meeting men through dating sites when he suggested that first platonic catch up meeting. I was turning 39 and time was running out. 
 

Thank goodness he closed the deal when he did. You’re far more patient than me I get it. I do think if you believed with your whole heart that the only reason he’s not racing to see you in person is because he’s unemployed your friend’s news about her first meet and how it came about wouldn’t phase you. So I’m also a fan of you having no expectations.

I think he’s an honest and good person and a good friend and  your interest in dating each other with potential for a serious relationship is imbalanced. 

I see that our approach to men and dating is different, and that's ok. I'm not in a rush to get married and I don't want to have kids, so for me it's not about being 'patient'.

 

I don't see this as pure friendship - in my opinion, you don't kiss friends. Also, we shared some intimate mesages that, again in my opinion, you don't share with friends.

 

I don't know if this will develop into a relationship or not, I'll see what happens once he finds a job.

 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I see that our approach to men and dating is different, and that's ok. I'm not in a rush to get married and I don't want to have kids, so for me it's not about being 'patient'.

 

I don't see this as pure friendship - in my opinion, you don't kiss friends. Also, we shared some intimate mesages that, again in my opinion, you don't share with friends.

 

I don't know if this will develop into a relationship or not, I'll see what happens once he finds a job.

 

 

 

 

Sure - I wrote that.  I was not going to settle so I was very very patient with that.  Your reaction to your friend suggests you're tired of waiting/being so patient.  You're not entirely sure he's chomping at the bit to see you again once he's able to afford to travel.

If you're cool with seeing what happens --- I would think your friend's news wouldn't phase you a bit.  You'd wish her luck, ask her to share the juicy post-meet details maybe and feel chill that your friend cannot wait to see you once he's able.  IMO.

There's no "just" with friends IMO -good friends are gems, special, rare. You're comfortable exchanging intimate messages AND having zero expectations.  I've felt that way in my life -I've had vacation flings for example where I had zero expectations of it being anything more and I was comfortable fooling around at the location then leaving -bye!

[kim42]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Sure - I wrote that.  I was not going to settle so I was very very patient with that.  Your reaction to your friend suggests you're tired of waiting/being so patient.  You're not entirely sure he's chomping at the bit to see you again once he's able to afford to travel.

If you're cool with seeing what happens --- I would think your friend's news wouldn't phase you a bit.  You'd wish her luck, ask her to share the juicy post-meet details maybe and feel chill that your friend cannot wait to see you once he's able.  IMO.

There's no "just" with friends IMO -good friends are gems, special, rare. You're comfortable exchanging intimate messages AND having zero expectations.  I've felt that way in my life -I've had vacation flings for example where I had zero expectations of it being anything more and I was comfortable fooling around at the location then leaving -bye!

I think we disagree on this, and I'll leave it at that.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, kim42 said:

I think we disagree on this, and I'll leave it at that.

On what? I totally accept you're fine with exchanging intimate messages with a man you have kissed and would like to kiss again AND having zero expectations.  You disagree that your reaction to your friend is perhaps inconsistent with what you are telling yourself/aspiring to.  Totally cool to disagree on that -if that's what you were referring to.

(And even if I hadn't wanted marriage and family I would have interacted as you are if I only wanted to kiss/hook up if he ever happened to be in my city - I personally couldn't have dealt with wanting a potentially serious relationship in the situation you are in with him and totally cool you're good with it).

[Sindy_0311]

5 hours ago, kim42 said:

I really don't want to start speculating that he might be lying or not completely honest.

I’m not saying he is a liar, on the contrary, he told you several times that he can't make it to see you and he seems very respectful/cautious in his communication. Still I don’t understand what he is about. But let’s not talk about him. 

You don’t care about the phone call because you don’t like it and that's ok. But the fact that he began sending you voice messages could mean that he was willing to escalate the communication on some level, which is what we talked about a few weeks ago, and the reason why you suggested a phone call, and he agreed.  If he had actually called you, do you think you would have felt upset the when your friend told you about her guy? Frustration mainly happens when a desire is not fulfilled. In your situation it could be a desire to see a progression, even a slight one…  (I’m just trying to find and explanation for how you felt the other day, which is what as you asked for… )

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Frustration mainly happens when a desire is not fulfilled. In your situation it could be a desire to see a progression, even a slight one…  (I’m just trying to find and explanation for how you felt the other day, which is what as you asked for… )

Or maybe -she just wanted to vent and maybe writing it out will help her figure it out.  Now I'm not sure.  

[Sindy_0311]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Or maybe -she just wanted to vent and maybe writing it out will help her figure it out.  Now I'm not sure.  

Still, if you need to vent it's because you feel frustrated... 

[kim42]

55 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

 

I’m not saying he is a liar, on the contrary, he told you several times that he can't make it to see you and he seems very respectful/cautious in his communication. Still I don’t understand what he is about. But let’s not talk about him. 

You don’t care about the phone call because you don’t like it and that's ok. But the fact that he began sending you voice messages could mean that he was willing to escalate the communication on some level, which is what we talked about a few weeks ago, and the reason why you suggested a phone call, and he agreed.  If he had actually called you, do you think you would have felt upset the when your friend told you about her guy? Frustration mainly happens when a desire is not fulfilled. In your situation it could be a desire to see a progression, even a slight one…  (I’m just trying to find and explanation for how you felt the other day, which is what as you asked for… )

I don't think the phone call would have changed how I felt about the conversation with my friend.

I honestly don't care about the phone call, he's been sending me nice, thoughtful voice notes, in addition to text messages, amd that's perfectly okay for me.

[Batya33]

47 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Still, if you need to vent it's because you feel frustrated... 

Yes and it doesn't mean she actually wanted input or analysis as to the why. I'm not sure if she did.

To me it's a simple test.  The OP is dating others/trying to date others. If one of those gentleman asked her "are you dating anyone else" the answer is .... no.  But it's --- gray area right -she says they're not just friends because of the kissing in person /intimate messages.  So - if I were having a talk with someone about intentions I'd want to know if he exchanged intimate messages with a woman.  I wouldn't need to know if he had a long time platonic friend who liked to comment every so often like in response to sending holiday photos "oh you're still cute as a button!" - we all know the difference.  She'll have to face that if she does meet someone where it seems to be progressing unless that person -unusually -tells her he's cool with platonic friendships that have really blurry lines......

[kim42]

52 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

What sort of "intimate" messages?  I'm not asking for details but in general do you mean sexting?  

Not accusing, just asking because the word "intimate" is ambiguous in this context.

Re this being a "friendship," I understand you shared a kiss when you last saw each other, and at that time, you envisioned it being more and evolving into a dating situation.

But Kim, when was that?  Since that time, what has he done, what have you done, other than meaningless "talk" about him visiting after he gets a job, that would suggest this is more than a friendship? 

And I used the word "meaningless" because "talk" with no "action" means nothing in the grand scheme, imo. No matter what the circumstances.

IOW, enjoy the interaction but take it all with a huge grain of salt unless and until you see movement, action.

These types of online interactions and I've had a few myself, either evolve or devolve. And unless there is movement, a progression, not necessarily meeting if that's not possible, but something.  Nor are "intimate" message exchanges whatever you meant by that. 

I'm not saying this to hurt you, but it's important to be realistc. To get real and honest with yourself and own your own feelings and yes expectations, which you DO have otherwise your friend's guy visiting her would not have affected you as much as it did..

Just some things to consider as you decide what it is you truly want from him and the situation as it stands now in the present and going forward

V you want it to be.

Best.

 

 

I don't feel comfortable sharing the nature of the messages here, but it was not sexting.

I disagree that our interactions are meaningless - I enjoy talking to him, we share a lot with each other and i think we are closer than before.

As I said, I don't know if this will evolve into a relationship or not, I'll see what happens once he finds a job.

[rainbowsandroses]

5 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I disagree that our interactions are meaningless...

You misinterpreted what I meant by "meaningless."  I only meant in the context of expecting a dating situation to evolve from it (your talks). 

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

IOW, enjoy the interaction but take it all with a huge grain of salt unless and until you see movement, action.

I trust you can understand the difference?

5 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I don't know if this will evolve into a relationship or not, I'll see what happens once he finds a job.

Fabulous, that's all you can do.

Enjoy. 

[Sindy_0311]

6 minutes ago, kim42 said:

we share a lot with each other and i think we are closer than before.

You might feel even closer to him until he finds a job… anyway I will leave it at that. Take care of yourself Kim 

[rainbowsandroses]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

The OP is dating others/trying to date others.

^^Is this true @kim42?  I hope so, it would be a mistake not to imo.

 

[kim42]

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

^^Is this true @kim42?  I hope so, it would be a mistake not to imo

 

Yes, I've mentioned it several times.