Long-distance guy - update

[kim42]

So today I talked to a friend of mine, we're not very close but we hang out sometimes and she told me she's been talking to a guy from bumble for some time now. He lives in the same country as we do but in a different city. So they never met but she told me he's coming to visit her this weekend. Apparently he was already supposed to visit her some time ago but he ended up canceling his trip because he was too busy at work. She then told him she was going to meet up with another guy, so he decided to visit her after all.

 

I'm sharing this story because after I listened to my friend, I admit I was a little upset. I understand that this guy from bumble is not unemployed, and apparently changed his mind only after she mentioned someone else but I still feel a little upset.

 

I'm trying to stay reasonable about this long distance guy and manage my expectations accordingly but I can't help how I feel right now.

 

Please be nice, I'm trying to understand myself and my emotions.

[Batya33]

You feel what you feel. Feelings aren’t facts. You feel jealous because you wish your guy would visit you like this stranger is traveling to meet your friend. I mean logically it’s a little foolish. This stranger wasn’t motivated without competition and yet your friend still wants to spend time meeting him. Was she lying about the other guy to make him jealous?

I find when I feel jealous it’s because I’m missing something in my life. I used to feel jealous of my friends who were getting married and going to try to have a baby even if I’d never ever want to be in their situation with the man they chose to marry. I wanted to be a mom so badly.  And logically I’d never settle or get pregnant in inappropriate or bad circumstances but I was still jealous. Feelings aren’t facts. I hope you feel better. 

[MissCanuck]

Your feelings make sense, Kim. 

You would like to be able to see this guy more, and now you know your friend is getting what you want - a visit from a potential romantic interest. It's understandable that you feel wistful. 

However, it does also underline the fact that you would be wise not to hedge any bets on this long-distance crush becoming much more. It just doesn't sound like a realistic option. 

 

[boltnrun]

I'll never forget the look on my bestie's face when she came to the hospital to visit me after I'd given birth to my son. My husband was with me and she walked in while we were doing our first diaper change (and what a clown show that was lol!) Her expression was a combination of wistfulness, envy and shame. Probably because she felt guilty about envying her friend. She'd been saying since we were kids that all she wanted was to get married and have babies and there I was with everything she wanted. And she had been striking out at every turn with trying to meet a nice man. I didn't look badly on her at all. I understood.

So it's OK to feel wistful. But with that wistfulness can come action. Maybe make plans to meet up with friends somewhere where a lot of singles gather. You never know, right?

[kim42]

30 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You feel what you feel. Feelings aren’t facts. You feel jealous because you wish your guy would visit you like this stranger is traveling to meet your friend. I mean logically it’s a little foolish. This stranger wasn’t motivated without competition and yet your friend still wants to spend time meeting him. Was she lying about the other guy to make him jealous?

I find when I feel jealous it’s because I’m missing something in my life. I used to feel jealous of my friends who were getting married and going to try to have a baby even if I’d never ever want to be in their situation with the man they chose to marry. I wanted to be a mom so badly.  And logically I’d never settle or get pregnant in inappropriate or bad circumstances but I was still jealous. Feelings aren’t facts. I hope you feel better. 

Thank you, Batya for sharing this.

I don't think she was lying, but she said it on purpose to see his reaction - her words.

[kim42]

32 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Your feelings make sense, Kim. 

You would like to be able to see this guy more, and now you know your friend is getting what you want - a visit from a potential romantic interest. It's understandable that you feel wistful. 

However, it does also underline the fact that you would be wise not to hedge any bets on this long-distance crush becoming much more. It just doesn't sound like a realistic option. 

 

Thanks for understanding. I enjoy commumicating with him but I was surprised how I felt after seeing this friend.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, kim42 said:

Thanks for understanding. I enjoy commumicating with him but I was surprised how I felt after seeing this friend.

Consider that you could play the same game with him to "test"  but you two are friends.  That would not be a friendly thing to do and even if it "worked" you'd wonder -as she should-why he needed that to motivate him to make a plan to see you.

[kim42]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Consider that you could play the same game with him to "test"  but you two are friends.  That would not be a friendly thing to do and even if it "worked" you'd wonder -as she should-why he needed that to motivate him to make a plan to see you.

Oh I don't like playing this kind of games so not planning to do the same.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, kim42 said:

Oh I don't like playing this kind of games so not planning to do the same.

Many years ago I was dating a local and very cute and charismatic radio guy who wasn't that into me.  After a few months he wasn't interested enough in me to make it exclusive -we'd met through a dating site.  Meanwhile this perky blonde woman I was then acquainted with -kind of like two single gals swapping dating horror stories - bragged (yes it was bragging) that her boyfriend she'd met around the same time -through a dating site -had "closed the deal" as fast as he could as he was, apparently that into her. 

I felt as you did.  It stung.  I ended the not that into me thing a month later.  Hers ended years later when I heard they got divorced.  Obviously she may have gone onto happily ever after but it's one example of many I know of where sure there's that twinge, that jealousy - and sometimes remind yourself that realistically- your friend has one first meet with a stranger traveling to see her and we don't know anything more -whether they'll click, whether they want the same things out of this first meet, etc.  Perspective can help.

[Sindy_0311]

Hi Kim, did he call you? 

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, kim42 said:

. She then told him she was going to meet up with another guy, so he decided to visit her after all.

Sorry this happened. This frenemy has horrible integrity and poor advice. She's playing the "well if you're busy, I've got a line of men waiting outside the door!" game. Think about it. If she has to use tricks and games to get a date, she's desperate. 

[kim42]

21 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Hi Kim, did he call you? 

Hi Sindy, no we didn't make any plans for a phone call. He's been sending voice messages and texting.

[kim42]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. This frenemy has horrible integrity and poor advice. She's playing the "well if you're busy, I've got a line of men waiting outside the door!" game. Think about it. If she has to use tricks and games to get a date, she's desperate. 

I know, it didn't sound right to me, I didn't tell her anything of course, I mean it's her dating situation.

I just felt upset yesterday and wanted to share to here.

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

I just felt upset yesterday and wanted to share to here

Was it maybe a feeling of frustration? 

[rainbowsandroses]

Hi Kim, I've never liked that particular "shyt test" as it smacks of manipulation and most savvy men know that and wouldn't fall for it anyway.

Your friend's guy did so what does that say about him?  

It also begs the question, what was driving him to finally decide to visit her?  Genuine attraction and interest OR the competition and challenge?

On the other hand, I'm also aware that sometimes for some men, the thought of losing a woman causes him to realize how much he wants that woman and will sort of light a fire under his butt to DO something.

There's a saying I've read on this forum "when a man is highly interested, he'd never risk another man swooping in" or something like that.  Not sure if or how that would apply to your friend's situation.

I never liked that eirher because it all strikes me as so disingenuous and a "game,' and I've gotten away from games or trying to even now in my own relationship.

In any event, I do understand how it left you feeling unsettled and as such, it may be a good time to reflect and determine how this situationship is adding to your life in a positive way and if it's something you wish to continue?

No one can answer that but you.

 

 

 

[boltnrun]

To summarize:

Your friend's potential guy is doing what you wish the guy you like would do. However, the guy you like is not in a position to visit you and likely won't be able to for the foreseeable future (possibly months, possibly longer). You're disappointed about that and also a bit wistful that your friend is getting what you want.

I don't know how much longer you're willing to continue to be frustrated and disappointed. A year? Perhaps more? Only you can decide if this man is worth waiting indefinitely for. Or if texts and voice notes from someone you're not exactly dating satisfies you. 

[kim42]

Thank you @boltnrun and @rainbowsandroses, very good questions in both of your posts, I definitely have something to think about. I think the conversation with my friend has indeed triggered something in me.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

There's a saying I've read on this forum "when a man is highly interested, he'd never risk another man swooping in" or something like that.  Not sure if or how that would apply to your friend's situation.

I never liked that eirher because it all strikes me as so disingenuous and a "game,' and I've gotten away from games or trying to even now in my own relationship.

A man should assume the woman might be dating others or looking to.  And to me should assume if she  says what that woman said she's being manipulative. My sense is this man didn't fall for it - I bet he figures he should swoop in to get laid.  JMHO.

[rainbowsandroses]

On its face, it does sound manipulative as I said in previous and most men imo will sense that. 

However, it's nuanced with different shades of gray and as such would depend on how she presented the info to him, which we don't know. 

For example, if she told him she was attending an event -  a friend's party or a wedding - and he specifically asked her if she had a date and she replied yes, to me that's NOT manipulative.  

On the other hand, if she simply announced she had a date out of nowhere with no context or prompting, that to me sounds like an attempt to elicit jealousy which IS manipulative.

But even then it's difficult to know for certain as none of us are her and don't know how it was said or what her intention was.  Or what HIS intentions are for visiting.

Kim, what's important now is how you're feeling, and how you plan to proceed from here. 

 

 

 

 

[Sindy_0311]

40 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Thank you @boltnrun and @rainbowsandroses, very good questions in both of your posts, I definitely have something to think about. I think the conversation with my friend has indeed triggered something in me.

Sometimes, some situations can be draining, more than we think. Please do think about it. I hope you will find what's best for you! 

[Batya33]

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

For example, if she told him she was attending an event -  a friend's party or a wedding - and he specifically asked her if she had a date and she replied yes, to me that's NOT manipulative.  

My approach was not to share ever.  It wasn't his business.  And I did not ask.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

My approach was not to share ever.  It wasn't his business.  And I did not ask.

So if a man specifically asked you if you had another date, you would say no?  Even when you did? 

Just wanted to be clear on that without assuming before I responded. 

[Batya33]

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

So if a man specifically asked you if you had another date, you would say no?  Even when you did? 

Just wanted to be clear on that without assuming before I responded. 

Most often I would say "that's not your business" (in a nice way -maybe not those words) -I might have said once or twice I was going out with friends to a man who hadn't asked me out for the Saturday night but apparently thought it was ok to check if I'd made plans to go on a date. 

If he was asking because it was part of a discussion about being exclusive then of course I would have told him -well I am dating others but let's talk about what is going on with us.  But if he was just prying -then nope - I don't have to answer a question I find prying.  That's not lying.  That's choosing not to answer - big difference IMO.  This most often came up very early on of course.  I always assumed he was dating others or looking to date others.  I never asked unless it was part of a discussion of progression - becoming exclusive.

[kim42]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

On its face, it does sound manipulative as I said in previous and most men imo will sense that. 

However, it's nuanced with different shades of gray and as such would depend on how she presented the info to him, which we don't know. 

For example, if she told him she was attending an event -  a friend's party or a wedding - and he specifically asked her if she had a date and she replied yes, to me that's NOT manipulative.  

On the other hand, if she simply announced she had a date out of nowhere with no context or prompting, that to me sounds like an attempt to elicit jealousy which IS manipulative.

But even then it's difficult to know for certain as none of us are her and don't know how it was said or what her intention was.  Or what HIS intentions are for visiting.

Kim, what's important now is how you're feeling, and how you plan to proceed from here. 

 

 

 

 

Thank you, I don't want to make any abrupt decisions so I'll think about it, and I might come back if needed, or to update you guys.

I still feel disapppointed to be honest.

 

[boltnrun]

8 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Thank you, I don't want to make any abrupt decisions so I'll think about it, and I might come back if needed, or to update you guys.

I still feel disapppointed to be honest.

 

Are you disappointed because he doesn't have a job yet? Or because he hasn't visited you? Would you expect a man who's interested in you to go into debt to visit you? What are your expectations or hopes?