Long-distance guy - update

[kim42]

30 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I think he sent a voice note because he was hoping you would send one back.

It's all about compromise. It's really not fair to always do things your preferred way (text) and not at least half the time do them his preferred way (voice note). 

And who knows, maybe he likes listening to your voice. I can't tell you how many times I've been told "I just wanted to hear your voice" by someone who cares about me and who I care about. Maybe it comforts him while he's going through a stressful time.

My brother is currently going through an extremely stressful time. He's been calling me because reading words on a tiny screen just doesn't comfort him the way talking to me does. He also called his close friend to talk. Not text. 

Sorry about your brother.

I realize that it's probably natural to progress from texting to calls, especially after all this time.

He's mentioned several times in his voice note that it's easier to communicate like this so I'll probably suggest a phone call.

 

 

 

[Sindy_0311]

22 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I was at work so I couldn't listen to it right after he sent it. By the time I could listen to it, I had this accident scenario in my head and was nervous about it. I'm not sure what's so unusual about my reaction.

You said your reaction was a bit silly...  

[kim42]

4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@kim42no one is "over-analyzing."  Yes many of us are analyzing and expressing opinion based on what you have been sharing. 

And encouraging you to reflect and introspect about your own motivations for why you choose this situation which currently is filled with so much ambiguity and uncertainty.  

It's how we learn, grow and evolve.

If you don't want to do that, totally fine! 

I respect that and again wish you luck.

It's ok to discuss things, but I said that I don't think I have a fear of closeness so I don't think it's necessary to look for a deeper meaning in this just because I don't like phone calls.

I know you probably mean well but my current focus is the phone call thing.

Again, if he told me now that he can come now, I would be happy, so there's no fear or something like that.

[kim42]

3 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

You said your reaction was a bit silly...  

Yes, I felt silly for imagining negative scenarios im my head when all he did was sharing some things from his life.

Please let's not start overanalyzing every tiny thing/reaction. I appreciate everyone's time but I'm trying to overcome my dislike for phone calls now and hopefully it will go well.

[rainbowsandroses]

10 minutes ago, kim42 said:

but I said that I don't think I have a fear of closeness...

Yeah, most people with such fears don't think they do either (including myself many years ago); such fears are often silent.  And show up in the choices we make as I said.

But it's okay Kim, I'm done and only trying to help based on everything I myself have learned over the years.

If you're truly happy in this situation and interaction, that is ALL that matters! 

Continuing enjoying and be happy. 😀

 

 

[NighttimeNightmare]

18 hours ago, kim42 said:

I know some people might think it's strange to stay in touch because of the distance and his job situation. We get along very well and we both want to see each other again so that's why I stay touch in touch with him. It's not because I want to avoid having a close relationship.

I generally tend to believe that if a situation is attracting someone, and they feel a continual draw to it, then there’s something in it that they need to experience. 
 

you’re enjoying your friendship with him, nothing wrong with that.  It seems you’ve grown since you started this engagement, so it’s a win either way.  
 

this arrangement might not work for everyone, but it’s working for you. Why cut off a friendship? Makes 0 sense to me. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

this arrangement might not work for everyone, but it’s working for you. Why cut off a friendship? Makes 0 sense to me. 

I tend to agree with this^ and don't believe she should cut it off either.  IF she's able to recognize at this point it is basically a "friendship" and she has no expectations about seeing him again or it ever being more than that.

IF someday he decides he wants to see Kim again and wants to make that effort, and at that time it's what Kim wants too, fabulous!  

In the meantime, enjoy the interaction for what it IS, nothing more nothing less. 

Many years ago I had an online interaction with a man who I knew from the beginning I would never meet in person or have a "relationship" with.  I fell pretty hard for him.

It suited me just fine at the time as I readily admit I was not ready or even desirous of anything more at that time.  

It eventually faded out as I knew it would.  I was sad of course but didn't get hurt because again I had no expectations of it being more.

That's what important here imo.  No expectations, no illusions.  Enjoy for what it IS, not what you're expecting or hoping it will be.

Basically have fun with it!  I did and actually learned a few things about myself too.

 

 

 

 

[kim42]

17 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. There's no reason to overanalyze. Hopefully you can continue your discussion in peace about the calls and voice notes and how to proceed. Have you been texting in reply to his voice notes? 

So I suggested that maybe we can plan a phone call, and I also sent 2 other messages.

He replied to the rest of my messages but not to the one about the phone call. He didn't react to it or anything (which is unusual for him, usually he replies to all my messages) so I assume he probably doesn't want to do a phone call.

I can understand that maybe he doesn't like phone calls, or maybe he does not feel comfortable to be on the phone with me, but it feels a litle strange that he just ignored it. 

I honestly don't mind sticking to texting and his occasional voice notes, it just feels weird that he didn't say anything about it. I mean, he could have just told me he doesn't want to do it.

I don't want to make a big deal out of it, I'm not a phone call person myself after all, I just don't like his lack of response.

Am I overthinking this? 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

I honestly don't mind sticking to texting and his occasional voice notes, it just feels weird that he didn't say anything about it

Maybe just go back to texting. Perhaps ha was just trying something new with the voice notes.  If he's not a phone person either, that's fine. 

It seems to have gotten over complicated by suggesting phone calls  when all he seems to have wanted was to leave a voice note here and there in addition to texting.

No reason whatsoever to move things to a phone call if neither of you like that and you can simply text and send voice notes..

[kim42]

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Maybe just go back to texting. Perhaps ha was just trying something new with the voice notes.  If he's not a phone person either, that's fine. 

It seems to have gotten over complicated by suggesting phone calls  when all he seems to have wanted was to leave a voice note here and there in addition to texting.

No reason whatsoever to move things to a phone call if neither of you like that and you can simply text and send voice notes..

I agree, I don't insist on the phone call at all. I was willing to give it a try but I'm absolutely fine with texting. I think I'm just a little uncomfortable that he didn't respond to it.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

I agree, I don't insist on the phone call at all. I was willing to give it a try but I'm absolutely fine with texting. I think I'm just a little uncomfortable that he didn't respond to it.

Is it possible he missed the message if there was more than one -or if it was long? Also did it require a response -were you direct as in "want to catch up by phone? I'm free___what about you?" or was it more generally about switching it up to phone calls -which is not as direct/specific.

[kim42]

21 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Is it possible he missed the message if there was more than one -or if it was long? Also did it require a response -were you direct as in "want to catch up by phone? I'm free___what about you?" or was it more generally about switching it up to phone calls -which is not as direct/specific.

I don't think he missed it, it wasn't long and it was the last one out of the 3 messages that I sent. I wasn't direct, I didn't suggest a date or anything, it was more like a general suggestion.

[Batya33]

Just now, kim42 said:

I don't think he missed it, it wasn't long and it was the last one out of the 3 messages that I sent. I wasn't direct, I didn't suggest a date or anything, it was more like a general suggestion.

That would be why I might not respond.  It's just a phone call -so either pick up the phone and call or if you think you really do need to schedule a phone call be specific - no need to make any general suggestions.  He may have been confused and with 3 messages and this general suggestion may have gotten lost in the shuffle -a risk of texting and texting with a number of messages.

I had to send a separate work email to a colleague which was outside the email thread of our project  we were working on.  As a result, even though she responded she forgot about the subject which was a need for clarification on an unusual aspect about the project.  So once I completed the project and sent it to her, she sent me an email about the unusual aspect -because that email had been separate she forgot we'd discussed it .  Perhaps I should have called her and had a back and forth where we clarified what I would be sending when done.  No harm done at all but you see how typing -especially separate messages, especially if a message is about something new or unusual might get a response (and then be forgotten) or might get no response unless there's follow up later.  

You didn't respond to his voice note with a voice note.  Right? So he might be wondering why you didn't respond in kind.  You're choosing a mode of communication that is fraught with these issues -most people do both -phone calls and texting -with people they know in real life especially -or if their schedules can't do a phone call there's never a need to make any general suggestion because it's a given that there's no restriction to just typing.  So I'd follow up next time he texts with a direct and specific "hey want to talk on the phone this weekend -how about ___"

 

[Wiseman2]

54 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I don't think he missed it, it wasn't long and it was the last one out of the 3 messages that I sent. I wasn't direct.

He may just be taking a while to reply. That's ok. Please don't suggest phone calls since it's something you both don't want. A mix of voice notes and texts are fine. 

[kim42]

28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He may just be taking a while to reply. That's ok. Please don't suggest phone calls since it's something you both don't want. A mix of voice notes and texts are fine. 

I think you were right, he replied a while ago that he wants to do a phone call but has family visiting this week so he's a little busy.

If I have to choose between a voice message and a phone call, I'd rather do a regular phone call, that's why I suggested it.

As I said, I don't insist on it at all, I'm very happy with texting.

[kim42]

8 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I tend to agree with this^ and don't believe she should cut it off either.  IF she's able to recognize at this point it is basically a "friendship" and she has no expectations about seeing him again or it ever being more than that.

IF someday he decides he wants to see Kim again and wants to make that effort, and at that time it's what Kim wants too, fabulous!  

In the meantime, enjoy the interaction for what it IS, nothing more nothing less. 

Many years ago I had an online interaction with a man who I knew from the beginning I would never meet in person or have a "relationship" with.  I fell pretty hard for him.

It suited me just fine at the time as I readily admit I was not ready or even desirous of anything more at that time.  

It eventually faded out as I knew it would.  I was sad of course but didn't get hurt because again I had no expectations of it being more.

That's what important here imo.  No expectations, no illusions.  Enjoy for what it IS, not what you're expecting or hoping it will be.

Basically have fun with it!  I did and actually learned a few things about myself too.

 

 

 

 

I think this is very different from what you experienced, this is not someone I never met and who I don't know.

[rainbowsandroses]

55 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I think this is very different from what you experienced, this is not someone I never met and who I don't know.

True we had never met in person but nevertheless at this point in time, your situation is an online "interaction" (as my situation was) with no set plan to see each other again.  Or frankly even knowing for certain you will ever see each other again. 

It's all 'talk' at this point and imo that is how you should view it, with no expectations.  Detach from the outcome, and enjoy the moment.  That would be smart imo.

Like I said, have fun with it!  Are you having fun?  Is this interaction/friendship enjoyable for you?  Is it adding to your life in a positive way?

It seems to me from reading your posts especially recently about the voice notes, it's causing you quite a bit of angst.

I mean you've spent the last two pages telling us how you dislike phone calls, but now you're upset because it would appear HE doesn't want a phone call?

Look, I am not against you continuing your interaction/friendship, just try and have a more pragmatic attitude about it, that's all.

It's all very ambiguous and up in the air at the moment and I don't want to see you get hurt. 

Also, I read your previous thread about feeling shame and what posters responding believed was a sort of social anxiety and you admitting you fear that once people got to know the real you, they wouldn’t like you or accept you (your own words Kim).

I won't comment further (I did earlier but deleted it) but maybe think about how the feelings you expressed in that thread relate to THIS situation.

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

58 minutes ago, kim42 said:

, he replied a while ago that he wants to do a phone call but has family visiting this week so he's a little busy.I have to choose between a voice message and a phone call, I'd rather do a regular phone call, that's why I suggested it.

It's just a little wobble in the change in communication, but he mentioned family so maybe he's being expedient or busy with this. That's ok. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

I think you were right, he replied a while ago that he wants to do a phone call but has family visiting this week so he's a little busy.

Again, just "words" which mean jack squat when not accompanied by action.  

Best to take his words about visiting and phone calls or whatever else with a grain of salt.  When you start to see actual movement then you can start taking more seriously.

You can still enjoy and appreciate the interaction, again simply try and maintain a more pragmatic attitude about it.

JMO Kim, again be happy!

 

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I won't comment further

Agree. It's really as simple as figuring out this little change in communication style and patterns. 

21 hours ago, kim42 said:

Please let's not start overanalyzing every tiny thing/reaction. 

 

[kim42]

11 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

True we had never met in person but nevertheless at this point in time, your situation is an online "interaction" (as my situation was) with no set plan to see each other again.  Or frankly even knowing for certain you will ever see each other again. 

It's all 'talk' at this point and imo that is how you should view it, with no expectations.  Detach from the outcome, and enjoy the moment.  That would be smart imo.

Like I said, have fun with it!  Are you having fun?  Is this interaction/friendship enjoyable for you?  Is it adding to your life in a positive way?

It seems to me from reading your posts especially recently about the voice notes, it's causing you quite a bit of angst.

I mean you've spent the last two pages telling us how you dislike phone calls, but now you're upset because it would appear HE doesn't want a phone call?

Look, I am not against you continuing your interaction/friendship, just try and have a more pragmatic attitude about it, that's all.

It's all very ambiguous and up in the air at the moment and I don't want to see you get hurt. 

Also, I read your previous thread about feeling shame and what posters responding believed was a sort of social anxiety and you admitting you fear that once people got to know the real you, they wouldn’t like you or accept you (your own words Kim).

I won't comment further (I did earlier but deleted it) but maybe think about how the feelings you expressed in that thread relate to THIS situation.

 

 

 

 

I know it's online at the moment because of him being unemployed, but the plan is that he'll come visit once he has a job. Sure, nobody knows when this will happen, and I know things can happen in the meantime, and maybe he won't come after all, but it's not like we don't have any intention to see each other again. 

I wasn't upset that he doesn't want to do a phone call, I was a little uncomfortable that he didn't reply to this one message about the phone call things. I said several times I'm fine with texting and his voice notes - please read my replies more carefully. He replied in the meantime and he wants to do it, my feeling about phone calls still is the same, I'm willing to try it though.

I don't know which thread you are referring to, it was probably some time ago so I don't think it's relevant anymore.

[kim42]

9 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Again, just "words" which mean jack squat when not accompanied by action.  

Best to take his words about visiting and phone calls or whatever else with a grain of salt.  When you start to see actual movement then you can start taking more seriously.

You can still enjoy and appreciate the interaction, again simply try and maintain a more pragmatic attitude about it.

JMO Kim, again be happy!

 

His family is coming today to visit him from abroad, they're staying for a week, so I don't expect him to call me when he's busy with family.

[rainbowsandroses]

>>Please let's not start overanalyzing every tiny thing/reaction.<<

I'm not "over-analyzing," I'm expressing an opinion which is what people do when a poster creates a thread.  Most opinions are based on experience and various things they themselves have learned through those experiences.

If all you want is positive feedback and for posters to agree with your narrative, why bother creating the thread in the first place?

If you don't want to follow the advice or you disagree with the opinion, then don't. No one is forcing you to.

But please don't refer to advice or opinion that doesn't fit with your version of how you see things or want things to go "over-analyzing, " frankly that's insulting to the poster taking the time to respond.  We are all here trying to help.

Anyway, I've said my piece, take or leave good luck.

 

 

[kim42]

12 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

>>Please let's not start overanalyzing every tiny thing/reaction.<<

I'm not "over-analyzing," I'm expressing an opinion which is what people do when a poster creates a thread.  Most opinions are based on experience and various things they themselves have learned through those experiences.

If all you want is positive feedback and for posters to agree with your narrative, why bother creating the thread in the first place?

If you don't want to follow the advice or you disagree with the opinion, then don't. No one is forcing you to.

But please don't refer to advice or opinion that doesn't fit with your version of how you see things or want things to go "over-analyzing, " frankly that's insulting to the  poster taking the time to respond.

Anyway, I've said my piece, take or leave good luck.

 

 

I don't know why you take this so seriously, it's an online forum after all.

I don't come here only for positive feedback, otherwise I would have left this thread a long time ago.

I'm happy to read the advice on here but I don't think it's helpful if someone starts to over-analyze my reaction to a voice note. Yes, I was nervous and I don't think it makes sense to deeply analyze why I was nervous, especially after I explained it.

I don't think it's wrong to remind some posters what my current concern is - phone calls. I don't see why that would be insulting.

Please relax, again, it's an online forum, we all have real lives I believe.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

30 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I don't know which thread you are referring to, it was probably some time ago so I don't think it's relevant anymore.

I am referring to a thread you created in late 2022, 1.5 years ago about feeling shame.

If within this 1.5 year period, you overcame the anxiety you referred to in that thread, fair enough.