Isn't what's mine is his and what's his is mine?

[Snowed23]

This may sound like a petty argument or question but I would really appreciate some advice here.  My husband comes from a fairly large family.  His parent's had 7 siblings and he's the youngest of the 7.  I am the 2nd daughter of 4 sisters.  My husband is now 54 and in his family they don't really do wills or things like that.  When his grandmother passed a number of years back she had already said who gets what of her possessions so when the day came they all took what was promised to them, no arguing nor any fussing about anything.  A number of years ago when my father-in-law stopped driving due to his health he had always said that one of his daughters would get his Silverado truck that he bought when he retired many years ago.  Granted, he's still alive and kicking but the truck now is in the possession of one of the daughters.  My husband is always helping his parents out in one way or another.  His mom could call him to swing by their house just to reset the cable box so their dad can watch a particular show or even just to change the batteries in the remote.  He's always at the family home doing something, if nothing more than taking her to the store.  Kicker:  right now the three other brothers still live there for various reasons that I won't get into.  Anyway, my husband seems to be the go-to guy his mom will call whenever she needs something done.  Earlier this year mom totaled her car in a freak accident and my husband took the lead in speaking with the insurance company to file the claim, work on the settlement, and even replacing his mom's car.  His mom has always been a Honda person and some 20 years or so ago she went out about bought a brand new Honda Accord off the showroom floor.  Typical old lady, she only drove it to church and the grocery store so to speak.  When it was totaled this year it only had like 85k original miles on it so she got a really good settlement from it.  My husband shopped around for her a replacement car and since she was getting up in age and dad was no longer working the family decided that they didn't need to worry about car payments anymore so he found her a nice newer used Honda Accord with all the bells and whistles on it that she took the settlement money and paid for it outright.  No car payments.  Dad is 86 and mom will be turning 80 soon.  Ok, with the same scenario as dad's truck my husband went to his mom and asked her when she stops driving can he have the Honda and she said yes because he is always helping them out.  He mentioned this to one of his sisters and she told him that no one else deserved the car since he handled the wreck, settlement, and repurchase of the car for her.  Granted, his mom is still able and capable to drive so it's nothing that will be parked in our driveway anytime soon.  

Here's the rub that I have.  I have my own car and my husband has his SUV.  When he told me he would be getting his mom's Honda at either her death or her inability to drive anymore I became very excited about it.  I told him I couldn't wait to drive the car.  He told me to "pump my brakes" so to speak because while he was doing all the leg work for his mom with the wreck and everything he said I could have cared less.  He would show me replacement cars and yeah, I'd glance at them but since it wasn't going to be my car I didn't really care what he was looking at for his mom.  When he finally made a selection he took me to the car lot to look at it and he even test drove it.  Him and the salesman even asked me if I wanted to test drive it a little while and I declined.  I was happy to sit in the back seat.  He then took his mother to see the car and of course she loved it because it was a newer Honda Accord.  A few days later they made the purchase.  

Now he's saying that when he gets the car it will not be our car but his car.  His mom is giving it to him not us.  I told him that I would drive the car no matter what.  He said that I could drive the car on occasion but that doesn't mean that it's going to be just a car at my total disposal to drive when I want.  His mom is very meticulous about her car(s).  Whenever she gets out of it she keeps a whisk broom in the door pocket to sweep out any debris that may have gotten in it.  The trunk is spotless because she puts nothing in it other than groceries.  Again, her first Honda only had 85K miles on it when she totaled it and it was over 20 years old.  He told me that there was no way he was going to let anything happen to that car for fear that his other siblings would come down on him for messing up "momma's car".  He even told me that when I was offered to test drive it I turned that down but now that it will be his I'm all giddy about driving it.  I don't see why I can't take the car when he gets it if I want to.  He said he was going to do his mom's car like his sister is doing dad's truck.  Sister has a really nice Jeep Rubicon and she alternates driving the Jeep one week then the Silverado the next week.  He said he'll do the Honda the exact same way.  Husband has an older model Lincoln Navigator that I hardly drive.  His theory is that when I went to the car lot to pick out my car I should be happy driving my car.  In the past year I've probably driven his SUV maybe 5 or 6 times and then that was only because I had to beg him.  He says that when the Honda is in the driveway this won't be a case of walking outside and then deciding which one to drive, my car or the Honda.  

Am I wrong here?  We're married so isn't what's his is mine and what's mine is his? 

[Wiseman2]

Are you happy with the car you're driving? Unfortunately inherited property is not marital property. So the issue is why not get your own new car if you want one? Otherwise yes,if you are married generally things are joint property. The issue is your husband and his attitude not really who gets his mother's car.

[itsallgrand]

Why does it matter when you have your own car already? 

I'd be pretty turned off if my SO had your attitude. Yes, if you are married or common law then you share but that doesn't mean someone can't have something of their own. Its obviously sentimental to him, the family seems to put a lot of weight on passed down vehicles, why not let him do what he wants with it when the time comes? 

 

 

[boltnrun]

If you want a nice used Honda Accord, trade in your current car and buy yourself one.

Mom isn't likely to go anytime soon, is she? So you're deciding to argue about something that won't likely happen for ten or so years. Why bother? It's just a car!

[Coily]

All depends on the name on the title. You can inherit it if he goes, but legally in most states ownership is specifically about who has their name on the vehicle title, unlike most property.

[Seraphim]

If his name is on the title it isn’t yours. Like people have said, inherited items or money or property are not marital property. 

[Kwothe28]

Quote

Isn't what's mine is his and what's his is mine?

I thought woman rule is "What is mine is mine and what is his is also mine"? 😁

It is a bit delicate considering its a gifted car. He got that car as a gift for him to drive. He cant really sell them or even maybe let you drive considering his other siblings would said "Oh he got a car but lets his wife have it, you were better gifting that cars to us moma". He said that you could drive on accassion but dunno why you assumed it would be "your car". 

[Cherylyn]

Your post isn't about the car per se.  It's about your husband's possessiveness and not willing to share. 

Even though my husband has "his car" for commuting and errands,  I'm allowed to drive it at my disposal.  Granted,  "my car" is my SUV and I primarily drive it the majority of time but he drives it at random, too.  It's cars and considered legal community property.  I help pay the bills,  raise our sons,  do chores,  errands,  cooking (all with husband's assistance),  am the mastermind running our household and contribute a lot to ensure our home life hums smoothly.  You're darn right I'm entitled to unrestricted access to either cars and it's not up for negotiation regarding who gets to drive which vehicle.   Who paid for both cars?  We both did! 

Note that my husband always fills up the gas tanks for both cars,  does maintenance,  repairs,  either washes and vacuums the cars himself or takes them to the car wash. 

My late father-in-law (FIL) taught him everything regarding car maintenance,  car repairs,  home maintenance,  home repairs and handyman skills.  My late FIL taught my husband how to be a father,  a husband,  a man.  Even though my husband is "the car guy,"  who pays for the gas?  I do.  Who pays for annual registrations?  I do.   Who pays for oil,  maintenance or repair parts?  I do.  His car,  my car,  becomes our cars.   🚗  🚙

Your post is about a control issue.  This is what you need to address in your marriage.  Your husband does not get to dictate you nor order you around.  Who is he?  Your boss?  What are you?  His minion to do his bidding?  🙄  This is about your husband's expectation to be subservient to him and acquiesce.  Don't lose sight of this because this is the real issue here.   Your husband is controlling the marriage and you.  ☹️  He makes the rules and you must obey otherwise heated arguments are endless.  This is whom you married.  He's very selfish,  self centered and self serving.  You know who wears the pants in your family. 

I'm somewhat in a similar boat but not entirely.  My sister-in-law (SIL) and brother-in-law (BIL) live with my local, recently widowed mother-in-law (MIL).  They do a lot for MIL and in return,  they receive free rent,  free homeowner's insurance,  free food,  free gas,  free car insurance because they chauffeur MIL around everywhere,  grocery shop,  some home repairs and maintenance.

Now that SIL and BIL are overseas visiting BIL's parents,  every time there's a so-called emergency,  who do they call?  My husband.  😡   I send my husband off with home cooked dinners because SIL can't cook worth a darn and she only left MIL with frozen dinners.  When SIL and BIL are back at MIL's house,  they dine out at restaurants every day for dinner throughout the year.  Whenever SIL and BIL are traveling,  MIL is relegated to eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches if it weren't for those delivered homemade meals courtesy of me!  🍲

For a while,  MIL depended on my husband to chauffeur her to her doctor appointments,  clothes shopping and WEEKLY hair salon appointments ~ all while he has full time employment!  It takes one hour to drive to MIL's house so she isn't that close to our house.  MIL doesn't feed my husband so he gets headaches.  I became very angry at the imposition and thankfully, nowadays,  MIL drives herself to her local appointments without greatly inconveniencing and burdening us. 

Note SIL called my husband from overseas commanding my husband to race to his mother's house after his full,  all day work hours.  It was due to MIL's cell phone glitch which SIL was perfectly capable of checking before she departed overseas.  Turns out it wasn't an emergency after all nor did anything require fixing.  Hence,  MIL could've figured this out.  🙄 By the time my husband came home,  it was  midnight and the alarm clock blares at 5AM!  😡  SIL and BIL can't come home soon enough so they can resume tending to MIL,  the damsel in distress.  She had been coddled all her life and she's helpless to a fault.

Another time,  SIL called my husband (her brother) to race over to MIL's house so he can assemble MIL's new bed frame and oh and while he was there,  other house maintenance and repairs needed tending to.  He had to assess the cars' condition as well. There went our weekend.  😡 BIL was overseas.  Note that SIL and MIL can figure out how to read instructions to assemble the bed frame themselves.  It's not that difficult.  After all the work he does,  they don't offer to feed him so he comes home with a pounding headache.  🤢

It's no wonder my husband and I stay away from the in-laws as much as possible.  Gone are the days when I invited them to my house for dinner quite frequently.  Breaks from local relatives and in-laws are a relief and godsend.   We are not responsible for sustaining their households.  (Same with my local mother's house.  Fortunately,  I defer to my local brother.  I'll occasionally bring home cooked meals to my mother's house,  buy her whatever she needs and the like.) 

 

 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

If you want a nice used Honda Accord, trade in your current car and buy yourself one.

Mom isn't likely to go anytime soon, is she? So you're deciding to argue about something that won't likely happen for ten or so years. Why bother? It's just a car!

Exactly - buy your own -do you share all your possessions with your husband -is he allowed to borrow your phone at will?

[boltnrun]

If it's about "control" how about you wanting to control what he does with something that is being gifted to him by HIS family member? If his mom gave him a gift card would you feel entitled to use it to buy yourself things?

[bluecastle]

2 hours ago, Snowed23 said:

When he told me he would be getting his mom's Honda at either her death or her inability to drive anymore I became very excited about it.  I told him I couldn't wait to drive the car. 

Granted, I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship, which is to say what other simmering issues may or may not exist between you and your husband, but this response would certainly rub me the wrong way. 

Basically, rather than offer, say, a "That's great for you, babe!", or make some acknowledgement that these are weird things to navigate as one's parents age, you made this all about you. Given that the basis of your husband one day getting this car is likely to be a very tough moment in his life—his mother either becoming incapacitated or ceasing to be alive—it strikes me as particularly insensitive to treat it like a personal gameshow.

That said, being married probably on some level means you could argue that the car is a "joint possession." Same could be said about his underwear and tie collection, from that angle. But when married people are breaking things down in this fashion it is typically in divorce proceedings.   

Anyhow, I really don't mean to be harsh. All in all, I can't help but wonder if there is some built-up resentment on this front with this Honda moment serving as unfortunate release valve of sorts. 

[Snowed23]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you happy with the car you're driving? Unfortunately inherited property is not marital property. So the issue is why not get your own new car if you want one? Otherwise yes,if you are married generally things are joint property. The issue is your husband and his attitude not really who gets his mother's car.

Yes, I love my car but given we're going to have a 3rd car in the family at some point mn I not entitled to drive it from time to time?  Again, we're married.  

[Snowed23]

2 hours ago, Coily said:

All depends on the name on the title. You can inherit it if he goes, but legally in most states ownership is specifically about who has their name on the vehicle title, unlike most property.

I'm sure when the time comes and he gets the car he'll most likely title it in his name and his name only.  Can he title it in both our names?  Would I be wrong to make that suggestion?

[boltnrun]

3 hours ago, Snowed23 said:

I don't see why I can't take the car when he gets it if I want to

This doesn't sound like you want to drive it "from time to time".

I understand you're married. But this car is being gifted to your husband after his mother sadly passes.

I don't understand why you can't just get your own Honda Accord if you like them that much. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Snowed23 said:

 we're going to have a 3rd car in the family at some point mn I not entitled to drive it from time to time?  

Why are you arguing about the mother's car while she's still alive? He's not buying the car for you.

He's picking out a vehicle for her with the settlement she got. Yes as a married couple there are joint assets. However why isn't he "entitled" to use your blouses to wash his car? 

Try to focus on what's really wrong with the marriage. Because drooling over her car for when she dies is somewhat unseamly.

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, Snowed23 said:

Yes, I love my car but given we're going to have a 3rd car in the family at some point mn I not entitled to drive it from time to time?  Again, we're married.  

"Again" - you're not "entitled" just because you're married - if you splurged on a fancy unisex watch with birthday money would he be "entitled" to wear it when he felt like it?  Why not buy yourself stuff you really seem to want badly

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, Snowed23 said:

I'm sure when the time comes and he gets the car he'll most likely title it in his name and his name only.  Can he title it in both our names?  Would I be wrong to make that suggestion?

Yes you would.  He can offer of course.

[Cherylyn]

Oh I'm entitled.  I pay a lot monetarily for everything so yes,  I'll drive whichever car at random.  I will say though the majority of time we drive certain cars but we're not forbidden to drive each others cars ever.  We draw the line there. 

[bluecastle]

14 minutes ago, Snowed23 said:

Can he title it in both our names?  Would I be wrong to make that suggestion?

I’d broach this at the funeral, right before he speaks to all gathered to celebrate his mom’s life. 

I’m being a little flip, yeah, but I’m just kind of shocked as to why this is so pressing.

Have you felt shafted by your own family in this department? Frustrated by the perception of your husband as ungenerous? Just asking questions because something else seems to be at play here  

 

[Batya33]

Just now, Cherylyn said:

Oh I'm entitled.  I pay a lot monetarily for everything so yes,  I'll drive whichever car at random.  I will say though the majority of time we drive certain cars but we're not forbidden to drive each others cars ever.  We draw the line there. 

But he is inheriting this car  -she paid nothing for it -now if she contributes monetarily for everything including car maintenance on the cars he also drives I can see where she can say that -but not simply because "we're married" -then he's entitled to lend her fancy clothes and accessories to his female relatives, his female colleagues who need to attend a formal event and want a snazzy purse, scarf, string of pearls, etc.

[Cherylyn]

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But he is inheriting this car  -she paid nothing for it -now if she contributes monetarily for everything including car maintenance on the cars he also drives I can see where she can say that -but not simply because "we're married" -then he's entitled to lend her fancy clothes and accessories to his female relatives, his female colleagues who need to attend a formal event and want a snazzy purse, scarf, string of pearls, etc.

I'm just glad I'm not married to a guy like that.  🙏 😋 His car,  my car,  our car.  We don't get possessive  nor are there any retributions,  consequences,  repercussions nor heated arguments over a car.  Both of our cars are maintained in mint condition and we don't get in a tizzy over who gets to drive it for errands and such.  We don't make it a big deal.  🙄 Fortunately,  we're very compatible and peaceful. 

None of us command each other what to do.  No, you're not allowed to drive my car!  NEVER EVER!  Or, else!  I'll retaliate if you do!  Just you wait and see and watch me!  Oh,  you'll be sorry!  I'll see to that!  Oh,  don't you dare!  Wow.  Really?  What are you?  In second grade in the school yard?  Duke it out with the kids.  🙄

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, Snowed23 said:

.  Can he title it in both our names?  

He's under zero obligation to share inherited assets of any kind with you. So the car will never be yours. 

You have no right to ask him for the car. An inheritance is a protected gift to the hier and not considered marital property. If your marriage is falling apart because you want a not yet dead woman's car, you may want to reflect what the real problems are.

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I'm just glad I'm not married to a guy like that.  🙏 😋 His car,  my car,  our car.  We don't get possessive  nor are there any retributions,  consequences,  repercussions nor heated arguments over a car.  Both of our cars are maintained in mint condition and we don't get in a tizzy over who gets to drive it for errands and such.  We don't make it a big deal.  🙄 Fortunately,  we're very compatible and peaceful. 

None of us command each other what to do.  No, you're not allowed to drive my car!  NEVER EVER!  Or, else!  I'll retaliate if you do!  Just you wait and see and watch me!  Oh,  you'll be sorry!  I'll see to that!  Oh,  don't you dare!  Wow.  Really?  What are you?  In second grade in the school yard?  Duke it out with the kids.  🙄

Neither do we.  It doesn't come up -but she brought it up with a sense of entitlement and absolute glee in getting the car of her dreams - it's all -a little much. There's more going on and perhaps he balked at her attitude.  What you wrote in the second paragraph is not this situation.

I'd never feel entitled to take my husband's phone because it's upgraded as compared to mine (truth I love(!!) my SE -the downgraded version -not a techy, don't like added bells and whistles) - and if I said to him can I use your phone today -mine is on the fritz -he'd say sure use it when I'm not using it but unless it was an emergency he'd rather take me to get a new one or a loaner one or whatever.  I wouldn't feel entitled to use my son's better gaming computer to do stuff on -I'd ask him and if he was using it with his friends he'd say no.  It was a bday gift from his godfather. It's his computer. Not mine.  Even though I birthed him lol.  

I don't think it's all communal property and I think it's fine for spouses to have things they don't want the other to use - like I said it's not a thing in my marriage- as for cars we have one -it's a honda accord lol -it's a 2019 because my husband had one and only one accident in 2019 (not his fault) and it totaled his old but beloved car. I don't drive, son doesn't yet.  If one of us starts we may need two cars.  I do not feel entitled to use his things and he doesn't feel entitled to use mine. 

We have a joint account and separate ones. I do not feel entitled to tell him how to invest the $$ he brought into the marriage and vice versa but we both talk to each other for advice and suggestions, for sur.

[Snowed23]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He's under zero obligation to share inherited assets of any kind with you. So the car will never be yours. 

You have no right to ask him for the car. An inheritance is a protected gift to the hier and not considered marital property. If your marriage is falling apart because you want a not yet dead woman's car, you may want to reflect what the real problems are.

I just want to drive the car from time to time.  I that too much to ask?  I could understand if someone was giving him a classic car or something of great value but this is a used Honda Accord.  

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Snowed23 said:

I just want to drive the car from time to time.  I that too much to ask?  I could understand if someone was giving him a classic car or something of great value but this is a used Honda Accord.  

Sure -he should let you borrow his car from time to time when he is not using it just like if you weren't married. That's a far cry from asking for the title to be in your name too or coming at him with such glee at this windfall of a dream car. Is it too much to ask of yourself to make your dream come true .... by saving $ and purchasing one -or a used one?

My husband's first car was a gift from his parents when he was single. I drove it when I was learning how to drive.  I never assumed I had to ask him to use it to learn how to drive.  I also drove it for the time I practiced driving after I got my license.  Had I actually started driving I assume I would have driven his car. I thought of it as his car - not because of any real reason but no I didn't think it was my car.  It was our only car, the family car -and since he was the only real driver I deferred to him as to how it was used. 

Also he asked me for input as to getting it repaired (meaning it was old -did I think it was worth the $? =Because what we used as the family car, as well as our financial situation was my "business". I've never been in any situation of owning more than one car.