Girlfriend does not get along with anyone

[rafanada]

Hi,

I (23,M) am in a LDR with this girl (23,F). She is from a different country. I have known her for 3 years.

I really love her but it has been bothering me that she does not get along with anyone be it her family or friends irl.

She has been living alone now for some time and talks only with her mom not more than once a week. She maintains no contact with her dad, siblings and rest of the family.

She frequently tells me about how everyone around her mistreats her. She is very comfortable around me and I try my best to uplift her mood. But this thing has been on my mind now for some time. How is it that everyone around her has a problem with her. Could it be that she is a person who doesn't get along with others. This worries me as I am very close to my family and when I do marry her, my family will try to become close to her. This may cause a lot of problems later.

[MissCanuck]

She is the common denominator in her troubled relationships. 

Generally, when someone complains that everyone mistreats them, the truth is usually that they are total goobers to everyone around them and drive people away with their behaviour. 

What does she fight with people about, and how often do you see her in person? 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, rafanada said:

(23,M) am in a LDR with this girl (23,F). She is from a different country. When I do marry her, my family will try to become close to her. 

Have you met in person? How often do you see each other? Have you met each other's family? Is this an arranged marriage? Unfortunately she seems to have conflicts with a lot of people in her life. 

[Seraphim]

If someone has a problem with EVERYONE not a good sign. They will have problems with your family too. It usually means they have a lot of issues. I wouldn’t get married . 

[Kwothe28]

Have you seen each other in 3 years? I think its too early to worry about how she doesnt get along with people if you havent even seen each otehr frequently and dont know if you two would get along first.

Also yes, if one person calls you a horse you brush it off, if another one call you then you should think about it but if third person also calls you a horse then get a saddle. Meaning that she is indeed a problem.

[rafanada]

We have not met in person ever. Her biggest complaint about people is that everyone makes her do all the work. Be it her grandma at family home or the girl she shared an apartment with. She says everyone takes her being good for granted and she ends up being the housemaid. Her parents have had marriage problems and she puts the blame entirely on her father. She also frequently rants about how men in general are evil but she always says you are an exception, a good man. Also, she has been suicidal before and once attempted suicide but stopped when her mom begged her on the phone. She is exceptionally moody too.

[Cherylyn]

I have a different take on this.  I truly admire and envy those who have wonderful relationships with their family (relatives and / or in-laws).  I really do.  I wish I had that.  Granted,  I am compatible with some relatives and in-laws;  however,  not all of them. 

There were times when I actually would question myself as to why I can't just accept some people warts and all at the expense of selling my soul.  Well,  I can only do that for so long before my patience and tolerance wears thin.  I have done it for many years.  After a while,  various forms of abuse took a toll on my mental and physical health.

I get along great with my husband,  sons,  friends and as mentioned previously,  I have some family members whether relatives or in-laws who are mutually very respectful,  consistently kind and considerate. 

Where I draw the line,  is lack of empathy,  i.e., narcissists who are puppet masters as they play those around them as puppets.  I can't do it anymore.  I've since wasted decades of my precious life acquiescing to their whims,  was an endless people pleaser to a fault and I'm done.  Nope.  I'm not in "let's get along" and "come hit me some more because I love it" modes.  It has to stop. 

What works for me is enforced healthy boundaries or in the most Draconian measure:  estrangement.  It makes me feel safe from harm,  I no longer subject myself to their risky,  very hurtful,  insulting,  offensive and downright painful behaviors.  I've since pumped the brakes and came to a screeching halt.  It was an adjustment at first but as time marched on,  it feels like ultimate RELIEF.  I've deliberately created a safe haven bubble for myself.  I really don't care what they do as long as it does not involve me.  Go ahead.  It is fine with me.  I don't follow any of them on social media anymore and it feels quite liberating.  I've since exited FB entirely.  They've demonstrated that they don't care about my feelings so I've let go of them and I don't care about them either.  It works both ways.  Fair is fair.  Release is a wonderful feeling.  What goes around comes around. 

Having said that,  I'm glad for you that you get along great with everyone in your family because it is healthy and normal.  It is the way it should be.  We should all be so lucky to have what you have such as a caring,  nurturing,  cultivated,  maintained,  devoted,  loyal,  empathetic family.  Many of us aren't as lucky and fortunate as you are.  Unless you've walked a mile in other people's shoes,  don't be quick to judge harshly.  You won't understand and fully grasp its comprehension unless you've experienced abuse yourself.  I will add that I once had the patience and tolerance of a saint for decades.  Those days are no more.  I love myself nowadays and it's the greatest gift I've ever given myself.  I feel protected and secure with my new MO (method of operation).  I say,  "If it isn't broken,  don't fix it."

As for marriage,  have a wait and see attitude.  Observe how she is with you and your family.  She may gravitate more towards feeling refreshingly respected and there is nothing wrong with that.  It is what I do.  I pick and choose whom I wish to associate with.  If people are good and kind to me,  I reciprocate.  It's not a difficult concept to understand.  If people are unkind and not good to me,  why would I want to be with them or associate with them?  It's a two way street.  Respect,  kindness,  love,  common courtesy and common decency needs to be mutual otherwise all relationships are doomed for failure.  Sincere care needs to exist or there is no relationship whatsoever. 

To err on the side of caution and to be conservative,  it doesn't sound like she is marriage material.  She's very unstable and shaky which will make you unstable and miserable. 

 

[Seraphim]

5 minutes ago, rafanada said:

We have not met in person ever. Her biggest complaint about people is that everyone makes her do all the work. Be it her grandma at family home or the girl she shared an apartment with. She says everyone takes her being good for granted and she ends up being the housemaid. Her parents have had marriage problems and she puts the blame entirely on her father. She also frequently rants about how men in general are evil but she always says you are an exception, a good man. Also, she has been suicidal before and once attempted suicide but stopped when her mom begged her on the phone. She is exceptionally moody too.

This is all above your pay grade my friend. Nope nope and nope. This is asking for trouble . 

[MissCanuck]

6 minutes ago, rafanada said:

We have not met in person ever.

You need put the brakes on this right here. 

This isn't a real relationship, OP. I understand you feel attached to her but you have never so much as been on a date with her. 

Step away from this chaos. It's not healthy for you. 

[rafanada]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you met in person? How often do you see each other? Have you met each other's family? Is this an arranged marriage? Unfortunately she seems to have conflicts with a lot of people in her life. 

Not met in person ever. Not met each other's family. Not an arranged marriage. We are both religious so that's why I mentioned we will officially marry when we meet each other. It's supposed to happen in a couple of years.

[rafanada]

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You need put the brakes on this right here. 

This isn't a real relationship, OP. I understand you feel attached to her but you have never so much as been on a date with her. 

Step away from this chaos. It's not healthy for you. 

Would just like to add that we are both religious so in that context it's directly marriage when we meet. I am in a different country right now studying for my degree.

[MissCanuck]

Just now, rafanada said:

Would just like to add that we are both religious so in that context it's directly marriage when we meet. I am in a different country right now studying for my degree.

That may be, but does this sound wise to you? 

Marrying a woman who seems to be quite problematic, with serious mental health issues on top of it? 

[Seraphim]

3 minutes ago, rafanada said:

Would just like to add that we are both religious so in that context it's directly marriage when we meet. I am in a different country right now studying for my degree.

That means 100% your life as you know it won’t exist anymore and not for good reasons. Time to reconsider . 

[Cherylyn]

5 minutes ago, rafanada said:

We have not met in person ever. Her biggest complaint about people is that everyone makes her do all the work. Be it her grandma at family home or the girl she shared an apartment with. She says everyone takes her being good for granted and she ends up being the housemaid. Her parents have had marriage problems and she puts the blame entirely on her father. She also frequently rants about how men in general are evil but she always says you are an exception, a good man. Also, she has been suicidal before and once attempted suicide but stopped when her mom begged her on the phone. She is exceptionally moody too.

You've not met in person ever?  It's not a real relationship if you're not together in person.

Being taken advantage as a housemaid is not enjoyable.  I wouldn't like it either. 

My parents had a horrible marriage and I place the entire blame on my late father.  He is the one who gave my poor mother hell on Earth ever since she was 22 years old.  Where should I start?  He was a smoker,  wife beater,  womanizer,  alcoholic,  incurred insurmountable debts,  never attained consistent gainful employment,  our home life was in shambles,  he left 3 children with nary any child support,  no visitations and yes indeed,  my late father was to blame.  My naive mother chose him and her marriage was a train wreck from the beginning.  Yes,  my late father deserves all the blame. 

I wouldn't go so far as to say all men are evil though.  However,  many men whom I've observed ever since childhood,  my neighborhood,  society,  employment,  friends,  acquaintances,  relatives and some in-laws are not good men.  It wouldn't be the type of man I would ever marry to be sure.  Blessedly,  I married a very moral man and have two great sons.  We live a settled life in the suburbs and I wouldn't have had it any other way.  I chose well courtesy of learning a lot of lessons from my mother's mistakes in choosing the wrong man.  My husband is an exception as was his late father,  my late father-in-law (FIL).  I gravitate towards men who know how to respect and honor women in particular.  (Respect everyone,  of course but I was referring to women in particular.)

As for her suicidal attempts and moodiness,  don't marry her because she'll use you as a crutch,  therapist and you'll have to continually rescue her.  If you're marriage minded,  you need to be with a mentally stable lady otherwise you're setting yourself up for disaster.  

 

[rafanada]

Just now, MissCanuck said:

That may be, but does this sound wise to you? 

Marrying a woman who seems to be quite problematic, with serious mental health issues on top of it? 

Yeah this is exactly what brought me here.

I am generally a very optimistic positive person and I have fixed lots of people. One of my close friends and my actual brother, both were really depressed at one time, I helped them set their life together. So I just think maybe if she is a genuinely good person, I could help her out.

[lostandhurt]

13 minutes ago, rafanada said:

We have not met in person ever.

I know you think you love her but you don't even know her really.  People fall for this electronic connection all the time like it is a real connection but until you spend actual in person time with someone you only know what they want you to know or see.  You may want to love her or be in love with her but it isn't real just yet. I strongly suggest you get some money together and fly to where she is and meet her in person and stay for a week minimum before you waste anymore time on her.

  You have concerns and the only way to know is to meet in person.  You have several big red flags flying here so pay attention to them.

Lost

[MissCanuck]

Just now, rafanada said:

So I just think maybe if she is a genuinely good person, I could help her out.

I don't mean to be unkind, but this is rather naive of you - not to mention a very unhealthy approach to a relationship.

You don't know her the way you think you do. 

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, rafanada said:

. She also frequently rants about how men in general are evil but she always says you are an exception, a good man. Also, she has been suicidal before 

Please reconsider the relationship. Has she asked you for money or have you sent money? Are you offering residency in your country? 

Unfortunately some scammers create elaborate series of misfortune to elict sympathy in order to achieve something like residency or being sent money. 

Why would you talk about marriage?

 

[Cherylyn]

10 minutes ago, rafanada said:

Yeah this is exactly what brought me here.

I am generally a very optimistic positive person and I have fixed lots of people. One of my close friends and my actual brother, both were really depressed at one time, I helped them set their life together. So I just think maybe if she is a genuinely good person, I could help her out.

Don't try to be a hero.  People are responsible for their own lives.  They need to fix themselves.  It's not your job. 

I was you towards my cousin and I burned out.  She eventually lashed out her frustrations onto me and this was it for me.  Hence, estrangement.  It had run its course.  I'm not a martyr and neither are you. 

I'm also currently my local mother's sounding board as she endlessly gripes about her traumatic childhood,  upbringing,  teen years,  young adulthood and pure living nightmare of a marriage to her late husband.  I can only take her in small doses.  I enforce boundaries with her in order to save my own sanity.  I have limited contact with her which works.  It keeps the peace.  I visit her house several times a year which suffices for both of us.

Take care of yourself. 

[Seraphim]

Your partner should not be a fixer upper project or someone you need to help or save . My mother and I did this. It almost killed my mother and was VERY VERY difficult for me for decades. 

[Batya33]

19 minutes ago, rafanada said:

Not met in person ever. Not met each other's family. Not an arranged marriage. We are both religious so that's why I mentioned we will officially marry when we meet each other. It's supposed to happen in a couple of years.

Run away. Do not marry her and remind yourself she is a stranger for all safety and romantic purposes. What experience do you have caring for a person who likely is very unstable ?

[rafanada]

Thank you everyone for your responses. Now I have to think about it all. It will be a long night walk.

[Coily]

1 hour ago, rafanada said:

 She also frequently rants about how men in general are evil but she always says you are an exception, a good man.

Nope!!!!!!! When someone has this level of ingrained sexism, do yourself a favor and run!!! As they will look for any reason to lay blame and criticize due to immutable characteristics.

 

[Seraphim]

32 minutes ago, Coily said:

Nope!!!!!!! When someone has this level of ingrained sexism, do yourself a favor and run!!! As they will look for any reason to lay blame and criticize due to immutable characteristics.

 

I agree if she is a man hater do yourself a favour. Believe me she will find something wrong with you “ because you’re a MAN.” Nope nope nope . 

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, rafanada said:

Her parents have had marriage problems and she puts the blame entirely on her father. She also frequently rants about how men in general are evil but she always says you are an exception, a good man. Also, she has been suicidal before and once attempted suicide but stopped when her mom begged her on the phone. She is exceptionally moody too.

This.

Along with the fact you have NEVER met her causes huge red flags! 😕 

Have you ever seen 90 day fiance?  Many do not work out - for reasons.  They'll go to their sweethearts homeland vice versa, only to realize how different they are.  And spot their differences really fast!

You're already aware of some issue's with her and I highly suggest you do NOT go there re: marriage at all as you need to figure some stuff out.

if she is to come to you... make it clear you want to 'give it a try' first with her here for a few months and see how it goes.  You don't know if she's really controlling or if she's maybe inconsiderate around you & your family/ friends.  or if she's overly 'moody' with you etc.  By the sounds of it, she maybe just be this way.. all of these ways.

So, slow it all down.  You truly do not know each other at all yet.

I feel it'd be for your best interest to get to know & date someone much closer to your own location & country.  😉 That way, you can get to know them the right way.