It ended and it's killing me, please give advise

[calif95]

My ex boyfriend and I were only together for a few months, so I feel like I should just accept the situation and move on but I can't. I've never felt this way about someone before, I never believed in "when you know you know" until I met him.

We split only a week after coming back from a holiday together (a holiday which he says he thoroughly enjoyed). He said its clear that somewhere in my future I want kids and he doesn't and that there's no way he'll change his mind.

I tried to make it clear to him that kids aren't something I'm thinking about for several years yet (I'm in my late 20's but still have several things I want to do before having any children).

He says he's very certain he'll never change his mind on children and as much as he can see the joy they bring to his friends who have kids he doesn't see what benefit they would have in his life.

I tried to ask him if these feelings are there because of underlying family health issues which are genetic, he's still to find out if he carries this gene. I didn't really get a clear answer to this. I tried to tell him that if this was the case I wouldn't be scared away and I'd be willing to work together through anything.

Please help me I feel like no one close to me is understanding me because everyone thinks I should just shurg it all off as it wasn't a long relationship and really he's done a favour by telling me now rather than later. Even though I know that may be true I've really never felt like this for someone before even when I've had years long relationships. Everything else was there with him and its killing me that this one thing has gotten in the way. I don't know what to do I'm really struggling. I believe he really felt for me too.

I need to add I'm all for people choosing not to have kids of course, but there's something about this situation that's just agony because I love him, we were great together and he has so much potential as a future dad and I just wish he could see that and also see what this is doing to me and know is throwing this away what he really wants.

[Tinydance]

I'm really sorry you're hurting  😞 I think it's understandable that you can't just shrug it off if you really fell for this person. I can relate to you because I was madly in love with some of my ex's who didn't actually share my life goals or values. I know it sucks but in all honesty some people we love actually aren't right for us. Love is an involuntary feeling but just because we feel it doesn't mean the other person feels the same or is compatible.

I want to add as well that it sounds like you actually didn't accept your ex's choice not to have kids. When someone tells you they don't want kids, that's their decision. You were asking if it's for any genetic reasons and trying to say you'd accept it. You said: "He'd be a good Dad". Yes maybe he would but you need to remember that this is his CHOICE. It's not actually up to you to convince him. Having kids is such a huge thing and if he knows he doesn't want them then it's not fair to push it on him. There doesn't need to be any reason like genetics or anything else. He's allowed to just not want them.

[Monsoo]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It must be hard. Unfortunately, you don't have an option in this situation. You can't force him to change his decision, just as you can't change your mind to not have kids ever. Sometimes the right choice is the most difficult one. May it be easier for you.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, calif95 said:

he has so much potential as a future dad

Maybe, but he doesn't want to be a dad. You're not hearing what he is telling you, girl. 

I know you are hurting, but it's not fair of you to try to change his mind on this one or convince him you can work on this together. You can't.  I know I would be a good mother, for example, but I really just don't want children. I never have. Nothing about it appeals to me, and It's not a negotiable. When I was single, I only dated men who also didn't want (and didn't already have) children. 

Your ex is right. It's time to end it rather than drag it out when you differ on this one significant point. Just as I am sure you wouldn't appreciate a boyfriend trying to talk you out of having kids, it's really not your place to try to talk him into it, either. Neither of you is wrong, but you're not a match. I'm sorry. 

[Kwothe28]

I dont think you understand. He doesnt want to have any children. Not now, not in a few years, not ever. So staying with someone like that is detrimental for your future. Because you, unlike him, want kids. In a few years when he doesnt change his mind(because he wont) you would have only resented him because he wont have kids with you and you would wanted kids. Yes, there are cases like that. Where one partner compromises about kids because they think the other one would change their mind down the line. And when it doesnt happen, resetment begins. We have one case on the Forum. She even aborted one because her partner doesnt want kids, at least not with her. So overall, its better that its over in your case. Kids are a big topic and not something you should compromise with.

[Batya33]

When you know you know is very very easy in the first months of a relationship and as you see it doesn't carry the day when conflicts over extremely important goals come up.  It doesn't matter if you want kids yesterday or in 5 years - please do show him respect and don't hassle him with "why" when he knows his own mind and heart and strongly believes he will not change his mind and never ever (IMO) create a life or adopt a child with a person who is not 110% into it, at least that much.  I'm a parent of a teenage boy and we conceived him in our early 40s. 

We both wanted a family so so very much and even with that it can be so so hard - I cannot imagine going through what we go through at times -the physical exhaustion, emotional stuff, mental gymnastics, the unpredictability -if we did not love him to the moon and back and wanted him -and still want him with our heart, soul, blood sweat and tears.  

End it right now.  Keep it ended.  Act in the best interests of a future child -that child deserves if at all possible (meaning you don't go conceiving a child without it)- a two-parent stable happy family who want to be parents and do whatever it takes to give that child love and stability and laughter and all the good stuff.  

I sometimes find it hard to relate to those who don't want kids -sometimes - BUT I respect their decision 100% and I would never ever even suggest that they change their minds.  I actually think it's harder to be a person who has decided not to parent a child.  Just like it's been hard for me at times with the comments about how we "only" had one child and aren't we "depriving" him of a sibling.  

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Please listen to your family and friends. It's better to cut your losses sooner rather than later with incompatibilities like this.

Sadly even though you had great chemistry, he had to end things because you were trying to convince him he would want children one day. 

[SooSad33]

On 8/3/2023 at 9:27 PM, calif95 said:

Please help me I feel like no one close to me is understanding me because everyone thinks I should just shurg it all off as it wasn't a long relationship and really he's done a favour by telling me now rather than later. Even though I know that may be true I've really never felt like this for someone before even when I've had years long relationships. Everything else was there with him and its killing me that this one thing has gotten in the way. I don't know what to do I'm really struggling. I believe he really felt for me too.

Yes, I believe you felt a LOT for him, but sadly, I doubt he felt near as much as you did.  And yes, he did do you a favour by coming clean now, not later.

BUT ....  Some questions arise. 

With it only being 'a few months', why were you two discussing kids at all?  ( was it mainly you in this thought? That possibly caused him to pull away?).

As for him ending things with you, it's common for someone to come to realize it just isn't for them.. or their heart just isn't in it, kind of thing within the first few months.

I am sorry you're hurting, as you had feelings 😕 .  yes, is how it goes when we get involved.

Nothing much you can do now, except respectfully leave him be and move on. And feel free to 'vent' on here.  😉 . Welcome aboard.

 

One day at a time.

[smackie9]

He did love you. He loved you so much he let you go as to not hurt you denying you children, which would have been devastating if left unchecked. I see that you are just reeling from this, saying to yourself how can there be so much love and hope, how can this be with him? How can he not want children? Doesn't he love me enough to have them with me? There's usually more than just one reason why someone doesn't want kids. IMO it's a good thing he is honest with his truth. This is a lesson learned. Before giving your heart to someone you have to learn their expectations same as they learn yours. You are not a teenager where you just assume and throw caution into the wind. Finding a life partner is a serious thing because it's more than about falling in love. Get it? You are grieving the loss of a relationship. The 5 stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Take your time. Write your thoughts into a journal to unload your emotions. These feelings will lighten in a few weeks, and in about a month you will start to feel more normal, clear headed. It's a process. You will be OK.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. His options are to rob a great woman of her best fertility years and her ability to find a good partner who wants children, or he can stay while feeling continually manipulated to want what he doesn’t want, or he can end up causing an accidental pregnancy and be miserable with any given outcome from that.

He’s choosing none of the above, and that’s not a reflection on you or how he has felt about you during your time together.

When you feel up for meeting people again, consider making private values and future goals, especially about children, to be one of your earliest topics of discussion. The goal is to screen out bad matches in order to avoid investing in matches that don’t align on the most important stuff.

Head high, your grief is natural. Turn your focus toward honoring it then healing it rather than allowing it to ruin your future. Opt for learning resilience as a crucial life skill, and you will thank yourself sooner rather than later.

Respect your pain even while deciding that when you are ready, you will thrive.

[rainbowsandroses]

 

On 8/3/2023 at 6:27 PM, calif95 said:

We split only a week after coming back from a holiday together (a holiday which he says he thoroughly enjoyed). He said its clear that somewhere in my future I want kids and he doesn't and that there's no way he'll change his mind.

I'm wondering did he know he didn't want children before your holiday together?  

I do find it a bit odd he chose to tell you this and ended the relationship because of it after dating you a few months and one week after returning from holiday.  

In any event, agree with others, there's nothing you can do but accept it and take steps to heal and move on. 

Perhaps next time, next guy, have this discussion (in the generic) before you begin seriously dating and going on holiday together. 

I'm truly sorry.  A cliché but time DOES heal..

Hugs.