I feel abandoned

[Steven Kreg]

My girlfriend (21) of 5 years got a call that her mother had an anurism.

 

Her mom lives 10 hours away and I immediately started working on a place for her and I to stay near the hospital. INSTEAD she chose to take a flight the next day by herself and spend the time with her visiting family (who only visited for a few days, and her moms boyfriend).

 

She had told me that she will stay with her mom as long as it takes, through the hospital stay and return home with her until she is "back on her feet" (if she even ever gets there with the extent of the injury) and I agreed, figuring she may be away for the summer.

 

Its been two weeks now and her mo. Is still in the icu recovering. Meanwhile her siblings have come and gone and she has called me a total of one time, even though she spends hours on tiktok. (I cant call her either she is too busy or whatever)

 

Im the type to notice little things and over the past week when I text her that I love her she will not tell me she loves me back. She will ignore it when any time in the past I would tell her she was sure to answer... and then some.

 

I understand the stress she is under but it really feels like since that call she has completely ejected herself from me. Recently I texted her.... "whats going on with us?" I truly expected her to as, what do you mean? Nothing has changed with us..... instead I got.... a text... "we can talk more about it just not right now."

 

Wait, now she needs to talk about it? So I told her I'm not an idiot in relationships (maybe I am) And to call me sometime.

 

Its been a day in a half (the longest we've ever not communicated and no call or text.

 

At this point I feel like she is prioritizing her mother (like what can she even do but be there?) and not even being considerate or care enough to remember she is/has been/was in a relationship.

 

With her mothers long recovery time and her single minded focus on her over even a considerate re assurance and seemingly pull away from her relationship I see this as a red flag for any kind of future for us. (Ps her mother hates my guts for "taking her away"

 

Am I being an uncaring selfish ass? Or should I move toward putting and end to the relationship like but gut is telling me.

 

Lay it on me please, I want the straight hard truth because I've this girl but also have self respect.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Steven Kreg said:

My girlfriend (21) of 5 years got a call that her mother had an anurism. I feel like she is prioritizing her mother

Well yes, she's prioritizing her mother. Unfortunately she seems extremely stressed and unable to fulfill your needs at this time. All you can do is step back wish her and her mother well, try to be supportive and step back from adding more stress with relationship talks right now.

[Lambert]

2 minutes ago, Steven Kreg said:

I truly expected her to as, what do you mean? Nothing has changed with us..... instead I got.... a text... "we can talk more about it just not right now."

If you really expected this, why did you ask her? 

You kind of are being a needy ass. Her mother is in the hospital. It's super stressful and you're making it about you? And your feelings? 

In her shoes, I'd be super disappointed I didn't have a stronger, more supportive boyfriend. 

This kind of event does make one take stock in what their choices are. 

In your shoes there is only one thing you should be saying to your girlfriend, "what can I do for you?"

 

[spinstermanquee]

Sounds like her priorities are spot on.  One of my good friend's moms died from one of those.  Gosh I hope she's going to be okay.  The focus on her mom's health and recovery is understandable.  Sometimes we have to "back burner" ourselves when important life stuff happens in SERVICE of the relationship, not because we're not important.  When my FIL was in the hospital with noone-knew-what, we were afraid he would not make it, I got busy making flight arrangements for my man, no way was I going to let him miss a minute by FIL's side, especially if it was his time.  Good luck Steve, this is part of growing up. 

[MissCanuck]

15 minutes ago, Steven Kreg said:

Recently I texted her.... "whats going on with us?" I truly expected her to as, what do you mean? Nothing has changed with us..... instead I got.... a text... "we can talk more about it just not right now."

How was your relationhip prior to this? 

[Steven Kreg]

10 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

How was your relationhip prior to this? 

No relationship issues.

 

[Steven Kreg]

20 minutes ago, Lambert said:

If you really expected this, why did you ask her? 

You kind of are being a needy ass. Her mother is in the hospital. It's super stressful and you're making it about you? And your feelings? 

In her shoes, I'd be super disappointed I didn't have a stronger, more supportive boyfriend. 

This kind of event does make one take stock in what their choices are. 

In your shoes there is only one thing you should be saying to your girlfriend, "what can I do for you?"

 

I've been supportive but when my mother was dying in the hospital I didn't cut the people I loved off.

[Steven Kreg]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Well yes, she's prioritizing her mother. Unfortunately she seems extremely stressed and unable to fulfill your needs at this time. All you can do is step back wish her and her mother well, try to be supportive and step back from adding more stress with relationship talks right now.

I guess I look at relationships as a support system... I wanted to be her rock... not something she loses feelings for.

[Steven Kreg]

26 minutes ago, Lambert said:

If you really expected this, why did you ask her? 

You kind of are being a needy ass. Her mother is in the hospital. It's super stressful and you're making it about you? And your feelings? 

In her shoes, I'd be super disappointed I didn't have a stronger, more supportive boyfriend. 

This kind of event does make one take stock in what their choices are. 

In your shoes there is only one thing you should be saying to your girlfriend, "what can I do for you?"

 

I asked her because I felt her getting more distant 

[spinstermanquee]

3 minutes ago, Steven Kreg said:

I've been supportive but when my mother was dying in the hospital I didn't cut the people I loved off.

If you're saying she's cut you off by being at her mother's side... that doesn't seem thoughtful or generous...  being her rock means she can trust you to stand down while she takes care of business, that you won't abandon her because you don't feel like a priority during this tough time for her and her mom.  That when she comes up for air, you will be there, providing support and cheering her on

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, Steven Kreg said:

No relationship issues.

Or perhaps not that you were aware of. 

There's no doubt that you aren't handling this well, given her current cirucumstances. You need to stop pushing her. 

However, I also can't help but wonder if she is indeed having doubts about the relationship that pre-date this medical emergency with her mom. She did say you two will talk, but not now. That is telling. My guess is that you are not totally off-base with your concerns. 

Regardless, you need to take a few deep breaths and not press her or make this all about you right now. She will come to you when she is ready to talk and has the head-space for it. 

[Steven Kreg]

3 minutes ago, spinstermanquee said:

If you're saying she's cut you off by being at her mother's side... that doesn't seem thoughtful or generous...  being her rock means she can trust you to stand down while she takes care of business, that you won't abandon her because you don't feel like a priority during this tough time for her and her mom.  That when she comes up for air, you will be there, providing support and cheering her on

 

3 minutes ago, spinstermanquee said:

If you're saying she's cut you off by being at her mother's side... that doesn't seem thoughtful or generous...  being her rock means she can trust you to stand down while she takes care of business, that you won't abandon her because you don't feel like a priority during this tough time for her and her mom.  That when she comes up for air, you will be there, providing support and cheering her on

So its fine that she's in there spending hours browsing tiktok but can't take 5 minutes to address us so we can make sure everything is cool and keep doing what we're doing?

[Jibralta]

I understand your concern, but this is a bad time to bring these issues up to her.

If these are indeed problems, they aren't going anywhere. There will be time to discuss them after the issue with her mom has calmed down.

[spinstermanquee]

You seem like you care more about her reassuring you / addressing your needs than you do about the serious situation her family is in.  Who cares if she spends 24 hours a day at her mother's bedside on tiktok, the internet, social media, etc.?  You cannot regulate her activities.  Trying to dictate her communication is not going to win you any points.  It's much more likely to push her away, if it hasn't already.

[Batya33]

39 minutes ago, Steven Kreg said:

I've been supportive but when my mother was dying in the hospital I didn't cut the people I loved off.

She's not cutting you off!! She's simply communicating with you less frequently so she can be there for her mother! I solo parented for 18 days sraight once with my 7 year old son 800 miles from my husband -he was supposed  to be gone 5 days to be there for his dad's surgery/hospital stay and there were complications and he was there for 18.  He barely communicated with me -he was at the hospital, taking care of stuff at their house and on and on. My 7 year old was a handful and prone to stuff like strep throat and ear infections etc.  Guess how many times I complained to my husband? Zero! 

I trusted that he loved and was committed to me and his family and he had to be there for his father.  So I asked nothing of him and told him none of the stress and extra work I was experiencing.

Please please change your attitude.

[smackie9]

Yes it's a horrible situation she is dealing with BUT she's proving herself to be not that busy/having hardship if she piddling around on tiktok instead of giving you a call on any updates, etc. I wouldn't tolerate this behavior with my husband, nor would I ever do this to him. We communicate all the time no matter what. So ya I get it but in reality you can't do anything about it until she arrives at home. leave her alone. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

1 hour ago, Steven Kreg said:

At this point I feel like she is prioritizing her mother

Bruh…. 
 

her mom had an aneurysm!!  She shouldn’t have to sit here and coddle you because you don’t know how to self soothe

[NighttimeNightmare]

5 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Yes it's a horrible situation she is dealing with BUT she's proving herself to be not that busy/having hardship if she piddling around on tiktok instead of giving you a call on any updates, etc. I wouldn't tolerate this behavior with my husband, nor would I ever do this to him.

Right but your husband probably doesn’t have abandonment fears where he freaks out over every little lapse of contact and then expects you to manage his emotions for him.  

 

you and your husband likely have a more clear and clean communication where there’s mutuality and trust present, at least I’d hope so. 
 

having a partner constantly need your reassurance that they’re not being “abandoned” is exhausting. I’d probably be on tik tok too to numb my mind, between that and my mom lying in a hospital bed 

[smackie9]

Sure he just needs to take a pill to get over his insecurity and grow up. His passive aggressiveness is a poor way to communicate. But her on the other hand needs to communicate better as well. Life would be so much simpler. 

Oh well he can go sit on his hands until this blows over. 

[Steven Kreg]

Yall drama queens... I asked her one time in 2 weeks.

[boltnrun]

You can browse TikTok quietly. She cannot have a relationship talk with you quietly.

And thanks for referring to the people who took time out of their day to try to help you as "drama queens". You did write "lay it on me" and said you wanted the straight hard truth, after all.  Maybe you expected everyone to agree with you?

[NighttimeNightmare]

45 minutes ago, Steven Kreg said:

Yall drama queens

Is this what you say to your gf when she expresses displeasure with you? 

[Lambert]

5 hours ago, Steven Kreg said:

I've been supportive but when my mother was dying in the hospital I didn't cut the people I loved off.

Not everyone is you. 

if you can't understand your gf of five years and cut her some slack, maybe you're in the wrong relationship.

Healthy relationships don't keep score like that... sure you want someone that puts in the same effort and things work together. 

but I would think,  knowing what it's like-- to lose and worry about your parent,  to be 10 hours from your home friends, boyfriend, to be the one that has been there in the hospital day after day,  to be the leader for your siblings and family to take care of mom,  you would have more compassion.  

I'm sorry you lost your mom.  

Ps... drama queens? look in the mirror pal. we're not the one asking for advice

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, Steven Kreg said:

Lay it on me please, I want the straight hard truth because I've this girl but also have self respect.

I think you are unreasonable if you expect her to prioritize you instead of her mom who is sick. People deal with those kind of situations in various ways. Somebody like her actually wants to just be left alone so they can deal with the situations in peace. While you for example were fine with other people being around you as it probably was easier on you to be distracted from the whole situation. Just because you were like that doesnt mean she needs to be. Give her some space and be supportive. This isnt about you or your relationship.

[TacticalLinguine]

2 hours ago, Steven Kreg said:

Yall drama queens... I asked her one time in 2 weeks.

If this isn’t a troll then you’re so self-absorbed it’s honestly incredible. 
 

I dated a guy who got butthurt about me being a mess and grieving still 4 days after my granny passed. We stopped dating that day. His reaction still makes me sick, I feel for your partner.