Women in their mid to late 30s who want kids

[jazz_lover]

I read an editorial recently in the London Evening Standard which shook me a little. The author was commenting that for 99.9% of women the cut-off for having a healthy baby naturally is 40 and after 35 fertility declines dramatically and for IVF it can take up to five years to work. And she detailed her travails of trying to have a second baby-the jealousy when other women announced pregnancies, the stress of getting injections, scans and bad news from clinics when she did IVF etc.

So her advice to women is to be pragmatic to make sure they don't through ignorance or false confidence leave it too late. And speaking on behalf of women she says "we didn't want to be just mothers but we didn't dream of never being mothers at all". 

This was quite shocking to me because on the dating apps London is full of women in their mid to late 30s who specify they want kids and as I approach 40 that is probably the age demographic I am most likely to be acceptable to. 

And also my looks are starting to fade and dating is a frustrating process so I would like to meet someone I can have a long term relationship with and ideally grow old with. 

For me kids are a "nice to have" rather than a "must have". I think that they can strengthen a relationship by encouraging a couple to work as a team and grow up and enjoy the shared responsibility and share the precious memories. And it also makes it easier to accept the inevitable waning of passion once the honeymoon period is over and you grow older and your looks start to fade. But if it wasn't to be I would accept it philosophically and enjoy the greater freedoms of not having kids such as more time to pursue shared hobbies together as a couple, find purpose through volunteer work, travel the world etc. 

But I imagine for a woman if it is a "must have" and it cannot happen then it is going to have a very damaging effect on her psychologically and create strains on a relationship. 

So is this a conversation worth having once things start looking like they could get serious? And how would you approach it without scaring someone off?

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Try not to date women who "want kids".  It's really that simple. You don't need to be a fertility expert or ponder whether kids strengthen a marriage. Since you have a take it or leave it stance about starting a family, it's best to date women who already have their kids or don't want any. 

[Seraphim]

It really depends on the woman . I got pregnant naturally at 40 and 45. However due to another issue miscarried both babies. Had a live birth at almost 31 and miscarried 2 other babies in my 30’s. 

[Batya33]

I got pregnant once. I was almost 42. I suspected a chemical pregnancy a year earlier but can’t be sure. I was so lucky to conceive naturally. I absolutely made side in my 30s that I only dated men who were serious about marriage and family and I never lied about my age. My husband and I started trying to conceive before we married. I was almost 41 and he was was 40. 

[Kwothe28]

You are in London. I dont think women in London are so keen to have kids in general. In big cities situation is a bit different then in province. Lots of them have your outlook on life. Meaning they want to have fun first and then maybe down the line have kids. No social pressure to have them also since, well, all other women around them also probably dont have kids early. That is why they wait around 40 to have kids. And then yes, natural conception is harder. So I dont think you have too much to worry about. Although your townswoman from another thread is 30 and wants kids. But she is a special case overall lol

Anyway, I dont think you should mention anything. I would think differently if you dont want kids in general because some woman maybe wants kids in the future and wouldnt be fair to her to not say that you dont. But you want kids eventually(just are not really keen to have them, if it happens, it happens) so its not that big of the topic. If it comes up as a discussion you can say your opinion on topic. 

[Andrina]

I imagine if it's a woman's goal to have children, that she'd be the one to bring it up after the third or fourth date if things are going well, to make sure she's not wasting her time if the man doesn't want kids.

And then you can be truthful about your feelings, including everything you've said here. Best to be honest, and if a woman is scared away by that, she's not the right woman for you. 

In my opinion, you should date someone a few years before marrying, and then wait another few years of getting used to being a married couple before attempting pregnancy. Because it takes a strong foundation to be able to handle all the stress a baby brings, even as a baby is also a joy and a blessing. So if a woman is on the fast track and wanting everything at triple speed to beat the biological clock, take a pass.

[smackie9]

There are plenty of women who don't want kids. BUT it's the younger generation that this is becoming more prevalent. 

[Batya33]

I don’t believe it’s prudent to have kids for any other reason than the best interests of a child. Certainly not with the hopes of strengthening the marriage. It can enhance a marriage if both partners totally want kids for all the right reasons. Then the couple has reached a life goal together!

I only dated men who were totally and 100% into having kids. And having them soon once I got older. Egg freezing was not an option in that time.   We didn’t wait. But also we’d dated in the past and for a couple of years before marriage. It was an adjustment since we became parents 3 month after getting married and living together lol. 
We would have done fertility treatments and or adopted. We chose not to do so for a second child particularly because I had a postpartum scary medical condition.  I did not have PPD or PPA. We also did no invasive diagnostics like amniocentesis.  Now the blood work is far more advanced but our blood work and ultrasounds were excellent. He was born 9 days early with a fever. I also had a maternal fever. The fever went away in a day or so. The only age related issues were maybe my inability to nurse him plus my postpartum issues.  Otherwise - so incredibly blessed!!!

[itsallgrand]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try not to date women who "want kids".  It's really that simple. You don't need to be a fertility expert or ponder whether kids strengthen a marriage. Since you have a take it or leave it stance about starting a family, it's best to date women who already have their kids or don't want any. 

This!

People who really want kids as a life goal tend to be rather upfront about it too so it should be something you can vet fast. Why waste anyone's time? 

 

[Cherylyn]

Since you think kids are nice to have but not "must have,"  date women who don't want kids if you want to play it safe.  Never go along with having kids someday if they're nice to have.  Better not to bring children into the world if they're considered nice to have but not necessary in your mind. 

I married my husband because while we were dating,  we discussed whether or not we were on board with having a family someday. 

If I were you,  I'd be completely honest regarding how you feel about children just as you had described.  It's definitely worth it to have this important conversation.  No sense having shocking surprises later due to presumptions.  Have this conversation otherwise you're just wasting everyone's time. 

Scaring people off will happen in one way or another.  Some people can handle the truth whereas others,  cannot.  It's better to be truthful and give the woman the choice whether or not you are for her.  Discussing the future is a big deal and should be. 

[JoyfulCompany]

9 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

So is this a conversation worth having once things start looking like they could get serious?

What's each other's view about kids? 100%.

The least of it - in your case (being a man who's into women) sex brings some chance of pregnancy, even if majorly reduced when using protection. Accidents happen. You better know where you both stand on the subject before being forced to know, for example.

But even without this chance (for one reason or another) - to me this is not only normal and a conversation worth having but quite an important one to have between mature people on the brink of forming a relationship. Especially since you claim you're looking for a serious and committed one with a chance of growing old together.

[poorlittlefish]

If you state in your dating profile that you do not want children, then those women who want them will not match with you.  

[Sally .C.]

Better to be very upfront about these things. If a woman is getting older and wants kids, respect her desire for that life and don't waste her time. Don't waste your own time, either.

I met my husband online where we both stated we did not want children...so it wasn't an issue. People deserve honesty.

 

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, Sally .C. said:

Better to be very upfront about these things. If a woman is getting older and wants kids, respect her desire for that life and don't waste her time. Don't waste your own time, either.

I met my husband online where we both stated we did not want children...so it wasn't an issue. People deserve honesty.

 

I think people who are looking for serious relationships deserve to know if there are major situations like children/marital status/geography ASAP that might affect whether they even meet one time.  I think people deserve to have honest answers but no need to share all right up front in the name of "honesty" if it's not in that major dealbreaker category.  I'd be careful of overstating because people also deserve their privacy and to keep sensitive personal stuff to themselves from a stranger or someone they're just getting to know.  

I have a friend who was honest with her future husband about only wanting one child.  They had one child.  Then according to her he changed his mind and wanted more children.  They got divorced. He remarried and has another child. She met her second husband online -they've been married a couple of years now and have no children -I assume she told him she wanted no more children and he does not have children. 

I think it's so sad for her daughter -to be living with a divorce situation because of something like this- that what seemed like an honest conversation then became "well I changed my mind."  Sure people can change their minds but if you're going to marry someone this should be an extremely rare "change of mind."

[catfeeder]

On 7/7/2023 at 7:01 AM, jazz_lover said:

So is this a conversation worth having once things start looking like they could get serious? And how would you approach it without scaring someone off?

Yes, and I think it's worth having early rather than waiting for things to look serious. I doubt that anyone who is interested in having children would view this as a premature conversation while getting to know you. You sound very thoughtful about this subject, so I doubt that your sincerity and your concerns would scare anyone off.

[WaywardKiwi]

On 7/7/2023 at 8:01 PM, jazz_lover said:

For me kids are a "nice to have" rather than a "must have".

As someone who was very much in the same position, I suggest you should clarify this issue for yourself. Personally, my concern was the timeframe for having children, as I wanted to ensure my relationship had a sold foundation prior to bringing children into it (as well as finiancial security). In my mind, that was roughly three years or so, with plenty of experiences to lean back on. My now wife, on the otherhand, was clear that she was on the clock, and thus I made it a priority to determine quickly whether this was a journey I wanted to take. In truth, I dont know if I would have ever felt entirely ready, knowing myself as I do, so her desire and impetus was a good thing.  As a father now (7 months in) I have to say, I don't regret taking the leap. 

It seems you could imagine yourself with children, if you found the right partner. So then continue dating and ask up front, and go from there. Be honest, and if she wants children, accept that goal as part of your joint future and work toward being ready. If she doesnt, accept that you will not have children. 

Finally, also consider how committed you are willIng to be to that goal. My wife and I had to go through IVF, largely due to being older. We suffered several miscarriages, which are brutal. In fact, our miracle baby was our agreed last attempt, so we got lucky. Again, it was worth it, but if you decide to take the journey, be mindful and open with yoyr partner. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, WaywardKiwi said:

Finally, also consider how committed you are willIng to be to that goal. My wife and I had to go through IVF, largely due to being older. We suffered several miscarriages, which are brutal. In fact, our miracle baby was our agreed last attempt, so we got lucky. Again, it was worth it, but if you decide to take the journey, be mindful and open with yoyr partner. 

This was one of many reasons I wanted someone 110% enthusiastic.  I assumed I'd need all those treatments and the stress and $$ -from all I've seen indirectly -wow.  I'm so sorry for your losses and I was blessed  to have none of those -but trying at almost age 41 through to almost age 42 was fun -but hard too.  Plus deciding not to do invasive testing as we both assumed this was our only shot -I'd never been pregnant before.  (And also never actively tried).  

I can relate to wanting to wait till you are ready and I don't buy the "oh you'll never be ready" -there's a range and some of it is financial, some of it is FOMO - you want to do X Y and Z because with rare exception that is much harder once you're a parent -even if possible.  Once I was 35 I avoided dating men who said "with the right person I would" -couldn't risk that.  

[itsallgrand]

5 hours ago, WaywardKiwi said:

As someone who was very much in the same position, I suggest you should clarify this issue for yourself. Personally, my concern was the timeframe for having children, as I wanted to ensure my relationship had a sold foundation prior to bringing children into it (as well as finiancial security). In my mind, that was roughly three years or so, with plenty of experiences to lean back on. My now wife, on the otherhand, was clear that she was on the clock, and thus I made it a priority to determine quickly whether this was a journey I wanted to take. In truth, I dont know if I would have ever felt entirely ready, knowing myself as I do, so her desire and impetus was a good thing.  As a father now (7 months in) I have to say, I don't regret taking the leap. 

It seems you could imagine yourself with children, if you found the right partner. So then continue dating and ask up front, and go from there. Be honest, and if she wants children, accept that goal as part of your joint future and work toward being ready. If she doesnt, accept that you will not have children. 

Finally, also consider how committed you are willIng to be to that goal. My wife and I had to go through IVF, largely due to being older. We suffered several miscarriages, which are brutal. In fact, our miracle baby was our agreed last attempt, so we got lucky. Again, it was worth it, but if you decide to take the journey, be mindful and open with yoyr partner. 

Honestly I wouldn't have been comfortable with someone pushing me in one direction while I was on the fence. There's too much potential for resentment if I don't go along with their plans. 

I'm glad everything worked out for you in that you are happy being a dad. I've seen so many situations where that wasn't the outcome though when one pushes hard for kids and the other isn't 100%.  

I agree it needs to be decided early. Either you are in or you are out, if one is committed to becoming a parent.

 

[WaywardKiwi]

7 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

Honestly I wouldn't have been comfortable with someone pushing me in one direction while I was on the fence. There's too much potential for resentment if I don't go along with their plans. 

I wouldnt characterise it as 'pushing me in one direction'; my wife was clear from day one, so I had every opportunity to simply turn down date number two. I used to say the exact thing Jazz describes, and my main line was 'if the right person comes along'.

But honestly, being 'on the fence' is not really a position; my advice was to really consider what you want and how you would respond to the answer someone gives. What if your date says she wants kids? If that is a deal breaker, then haven't you decided not to have kids? At an advance age, 'maybe one day' runs a much greater risk of resentment and disappointment.