Haven’t heard from friend since I had a baby

[Jackie321]

Hi has anyone received a negative response from a friend regarding your pregnancy/birth?

I have been friends with a girl for over 15 years from when I lived down south. I moved back home 10 years ago bc it we have always kept in touch - initially by phone and occasional meet ups but now by WhatsApp every so often; we always send birthday and Christmas cards. We both have daughters of similar age (7&8) and I’ve recently had another girl a few weeks ago at the age of 47 as a result of embryo adoption.
She has been a bit funny about my pregnancy journey in the past; she once told me she didn’t want to talk about my efforts ttc with a known donor when I first started trying. Then a few years ago she didn’t respond when I messaged her to say I’d had a failed ivf.
I was nervous about announcing my pregnancy to ger over WhatsApp but she responded positively. However, that was 5 months ago I haven’t heard from her since. I thought I’d hear from her in my last trimester but nothing. She posted a comment when I announced my babies birth 3 weeks ago on FB but she hasn’t reached out in any other way - no card or message.
I’m a bit perturbed and annoyed tbh. She got pregnant first and I had to grit my teeth and congratulate her all the way through ger pregnancy even though I felt jealous and upset as up to that point my effort ttc had failed. She has mentioned she would have liked a second baby if her current relationship was more serious but at 45 she’s running out of time.
Has anyone else experienced a cold or lukewarm response from a friend like this?
Not sure how to react!

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. Here is my only analogy and I share in case it helps.  I had a good friend of around 8 years when I got pregnant at age 41-42 in 2008 - my first and only pregnancy.  She was single still is and a wonderful Aunt to her siblings' kids but didn't seem to want a baby on her own. 

Around 2-3 weeks before I gave birth we met for brunch (I gave birth 10 days early FYI). She was so thoughtful - recommended a house cleaner for me to get the apartment ready for the baby, told me she wanted to help me once the baby came - I mean in a good way -help however I needed -so sweet.

A few weeks later I gave birth.  A couple of days after my husband and I sent out email invitations to a post-birth gathering - kind of like a baby naming -nothing fancy -at a room in our friend's apartment building, breakfast type thing -and absolutely did not ask for gifts or mention our baby registry.  I hadn't had or wanted a baby or bridal shower (we got married a few months before the birth and we didn't get married "because" I got pregnant -he was planned and my friend got along fabulously well with my husband  -zero issues.

I emailed my friend the invite.  No response.  I followed up a couple of days later to her individually. No response.  She didn't come. She went MIA and I was so busy with the newborn plus we moved out of state 6 months later.

A few years later we did reconnect sort of via FB -we messaged some but not about her MIA -I never asked her.  But -isn't it bizarre??? I simply don't get it and speculated that perhaps she assumed I'd go MIA from her once I was a married mom which was completely untrue! No reason at all for her to assume that of me.  

So -I'd just chalk it up to weird reactions to new moms/pregnancy and you saw warning signs as far as her having "issues" with how you conceived. 

Congratulations on your baby!!!

[itsallgrand]

I'm not sure what you are expecting from her. She's been polite but also very clear about her feelings around it.

 

[Coily]

There could be a lot of reasons.

She could be envious that you have had a second child.

She could be wanting to give you space.

Maybe her communication style has changed

But it really sounds like she didn't want to have this in her face.  She could have been rubbed the wrong way by something in your "pregnancy journey." I would let it go, if/when she wants to communicate she will.

 

[shouldhavelearned]

Never know what another person is going thru

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it seems like you've grown apart. More specifically, she was uncomfortable with all the details of your last pregnancy. Just step back. Share less about all the details of IVF. 

[Lambert]

Congratulations on your new baby! 

I'd probably just move on.  These things do happen. wish her the best in your heart and let go.... 

[catfeeder]

Congratulations on your new baby!

Your friend mentioned a discomfort with details about your road to pregnancy, maybe because of fears about her own window closing for a second baby. That may have caused a reaction that maybe even she had not anticipated and cannot explain.

We never know what such monumental celebrations can evoke in another.

 I once heard a psychologist say that supporting our friends during their times of trouble can feel natural, while the real challenges are a test of how well we can support their successes.

 I would be slow to take offense given the limits of what you know. I’d allow her to cycle back into your life in time, and I’d include her in any large scale invitations you may extend in the future. You never know when she might recover from her private trouble even while she holds guilt for ghosting you. So if you keep her in your invitation loop, you extend permission for her to return to you when she feels able.

 I’m old enough to have learned cycles of diversion over the course of life, and I can tell you that they are rarely intended as an offense. They have more to do with a private need to move a focus rather than anything to do with us, specifically.

Enjoy the people who are capable of celebrating with you, and the rest will fall into place in time.

[Cherylyn]

Congratulations on the birth of your baby girl!  🍼 🚼 👼 🌺 🧸 🎉

Well,  actually yes, I've been in your position.  For many years ever since childhood,  my cousin and I corresponded via postal mail.  No matter how busy either one of us were,  we always wrote letters at least several times a month.  This was before the Internet,  emails,  texts,  etc.  We traveled back and forth 400 miles to see one another ever since we were children and continued traveling to see one another during adulthood.  She knew my husband and I were expecting our first baby boy yet after he was born,  she was completely indifferent and apathetic regarding my becoming a new mother.  I was not expecting post-baby gifts and even specified "please,  NO gifts" because if I don't want nor expect gifts,  I'm very specific so she (or they) wouldn't feel obligated to give me any gifts whatsoever.  She never even congratulated my husband nor me.  A congratulatory 'new baby' postal greeting card minus money and gifts would've been thoughtful to receive.  I felt slighted considering we were very close and she was more like a sister to me than my biological sister given we're closer in age and alike in many other ways unlike my sister and me.  She was not some random friend.  I never told her how I felt because I thought it's common sense to congratulate new parents especially if you're a decent human being and we were close for many years.  I ceased letter writing for years. 

When I asked my mother as to my cousin's odd behavior,  she said that perhaps my cousin was envious of my station in life as a new mother whereas my cousin was stressed due to her stage in life (Law school,  job uncertainty,  unsettled with her marriage, etc.)  Perhaps she was right but I wasn't fully convinced. 

My cousin and her second husband visited us years later to meet my local relatives and us.  We met at a restaurant and by this time my second son was born.  As we walked toward the restaurant with our stroller,  she was shocked to see us with our second baby boy.  😲  Instead of congratulating us,  she asked incredulously,  "When did you have him?"  I thought that was a very uncouth question.  Again,  no congratulations.  ☹️ Nonetheless,  I let it go and we resumed contact.  I cooked for her and her husband when they visited us when our second son was 3 years old.  A good time was had by all. 

Fast forward.  We had a  major  falling out regarding her deceitful behavior and betraying me sorely.  I eventually asked her why she never congratulated me after our first son was born and her lame excuse?  "Since I wasn't a mother yet (she has 2 kids now),  I didn't know that a person was supposed to congratulate new parents."  🙄  ☹️ 

I received one backhanded compliment about my firstborn son after I sent out birth announcements with his newborn photo.  I let it slide though because I knew it came from a place of envy and jealousy.  I specified "no gifts please,  this is just an announcement only." 

During other times in addition to my baby shower,  I received a ton of baby gifts from relatives,  in-laws and friends.  I was quite prompt with all of my postal thank you notes to everyone.  Even without any announcements,  I still received a lot of gifts,  money,  home cooked meals from neighbors,  friends and relatives.  Local relatives and in-laws visited us.  My mother brought home cooked meals to my house for 6 months after each son was born and she worked full time!  She was a godsend.

As for your friend,  I think she's envious of you because she would like to have a second child but her relationship isn't serious,  she's 45 years old and now is not a good time in her life to have a baby.  She wishes she were you. 

Whenever people want what you have and they cannot attain it whatever it may be whether a baby,  babies,  family,  sound relationships with anyone in their life,  money,   house,  prosperity,  possessions,  opportunities,  good fortune,  great health,  all of it or any of it, they're not happy for you because they're not happy with their lot in life.  It's hard if not impossible for them to be happy for you.  This is human nature so grow accustomed to this concept.  They have the "misery loves company" mindset.  They'll say or write something snide in order to make you unhappy because they want you to be just as miserable as they are.  People want you to be either equal to them or lower;  not above them in the happiness factor.   I've observed and experienced this phenomenon all my life.  My mother taught me about human nature long ago.  This is how a lot of people in society are and it's nothing new.  It's as old as time. 

I would not react to your friend.  Follow her cue.  If she comes around by resuming birthday and holiday greetings,  be polite and respectful.  However,  it doesn't mean to revert to being old chums anymore.  Enforce healthy boundaries so both of you are equal in the dynamic.  If she chooses to ignore you by dissolving and exiting the friendship,  then do likewise.  Don't initiate communication.  Either emulate her or ghost and discard.  Maintain a shrewd and conservative attitude otherwise you'll make yourself vulnerable to future hurts and disappointments. 

You have several choices.  If she wants to meet you someday,  it's your decision to either meet her or decline.  If you see her, you could express your feelings but be prepared for excuses which is typical.  It's rare to hear sincere,  very humble apologies and it's unrealistic to expect apologies.  People are either prideful, egotistical,  narcissistic or in denial regarding any slights or offenses to you.  This is human nature.  Most likely,  they'll choose to ignore whatever they've done to you hoping you'll forget.  They'll either end the friendship or resume where you left off when the friendship was good and normal.  I for one,  don't have amnesia.  Either people behave graciously or I don't want anything to do with them anymore.  I'm out. 

Generally,  I no longer enjoy engaging with people who treat me or my children as if we don't matter much.  It costs nothing to be kind and whenever people are unkind or lack gracious manners,  I truly don't want to be with them anymore much less communicate with them but that's just me.  I prefer to have sound rapport with people and if they're not in sync with me,  I prefer to focus on my own life,  my immediate family of husband and sons.  I go my own way and I hope you will, too.  💗

Try not to take offenses personally even though it's easy to do.  I've noticed that happy,  secure people tend to be kind toward others.  Troubled,  internally miserable,  insecure people act unconventionally and have the "I don't care" mentality because they don't care.  Or, they'll say or write something uncalled for.  They don't have the brain space to care for you and your life including children,  family, or anything about your life.  Or, if they blurt out anything,  it's unkind and inconsiderate which is a reflection of their discontentment in their life.   I'm sorry.  It is the way of the world.  I'm rather numb because I've seen and heard it all.  Nothing surprises me anymore.  No more shock and awe.  😒

[Jackie321]

Thanks so much for the replies! 
all very helpful and informative.

seems I’m not alone and that having a baby can bring out the worst in people.

 

im not contacting her again. I’m not chasing after someone who can’t be happy that I achieved one of my biggest dreams. I’ll leave the door open communication wise but she will have to make the first move… i have a feeling I won’t hear from her again 😢

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Jackie321 said:

I’ll leave the door open communication wise but she will have to make the first move… 

Sometimes you just have to move people to the "acquaintance" pile. 

[Batya33]

33 minutes ago, Jackie321 said:

Thanks so much for the replies! 
all very helpful and informative.

seems I’m not alone and that having a baby can bring out the worst in people.

 

im not contacting her again. I’m not chasing after someone who can’t be happy that I achieved one of my biggest dreams. I’ll leave the door open communication wise but she will have to make the first move… i have a feeling I won’t hear from her again 😢

I don't think that's generally true about the worst in people -in my case I realized that assuming "moms" would get it was  a totally wrong assumption - it wasn't gendered or about parenting/moms -your friends who can support you will show up -not because they know what it's like to be a mom -and being a mom varies so much right -but because they care about you. One of my co-workers/friend - divorced, no kids - she lent me her veil for the wedding, brought me fresh peaches when I was pregnant and brought in a cake for me shortly before I went on maternity leave. 

Another dear friend came by when I was in my 9th month and insisted on scrubbing my kitchen floor (mom of grown kids).  But -then there was my female friend who had a two hour dinner with me and I was in my 8th month and never once during dinner did she ask how I was doing -I mean generally -I mean - you're sitting across from your 42 year old friend who's very pregnant/moving slowly and you never even bother to say "so how are you feeling?" I cannot imagine.  

I agree with the others that she is having a hard time being there for you under the particular circumstances.  I'm sorry.

[Kwothe28]

First off, you dont seem like a very good friends. You havent heard from her in months. So I dont know why you expect a warm response from somebody like that. Good friends would at least hear from each other from time to time. She would ask you how you are doing pregnancy, maybe even call you to see how you are doing. Its clear that this person didnt do any of that. Hence why she is an aquitance, not a friend. So dont expect too much from somebody like that.

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sometimes you just have to move people to the "acquaintance" pile. 

Yes,  or less than an acquaintance category.  🙄  🤔  😒

[itsallgrand]

2 hours ago, Jackie321 said:

Thanks so much for the replies! 
all very helpful and informative.

seems I’m not alone and that having a baby can bring out the worst in people.

 

im not contacting her again. I’m not chasing after someone who can’t be happy that I achieved one of my biggest dreams. I’ll leave the door open communication wise but she will have to make the first move… i have a feeling I won’t hear from her again 😢

I don't get this at all. Why can't you message her and ask how she's doing? This is why I asked...what were you expecting. Specifically? Does she need to gush over that you had a baby to be the talk once in a while friend? 

I don't see how this is a "worst in people" thing at all?! She left a comment after you had your baby. She acknowledged it. She responded positively when you told her of your pregnancy. But she also wasn't comfy, whatever her reasons, with some of the details you shared of your journey. And? 

 

 

[Cherylyn]

Actually,  yes.  Ignoring speaks volumes.  Ignoring you feels so cold,  uncaring and screams indifference.  It is passive aggressive behavior.  Often times doing nothing,  saying nothing or writing nothing feels just as bad as saying or writing something unkind.  Passive aggressive behavior is basically telling you:  "I don't care about you nor the birth of your baby."  You get this message loud and clear. 

Concentrate on taking care of your family.  Let her be.  If she comes around,  be polite and cool.  Whenever people act odd or weird,  I just go with the flow.  If they're kind to me,  then I'm kind to them.  If they've demonstrated that they don't care much for me or my immediate family,  I let them go and revert to focusing on my own life.  Don't obsess over people who don't wish to expend their time,  energy and thoughts over you because they're not worth it.  They're obviously treating you as if you're not worth it  to them so return the favor and do likewise.  It is what I do and it works.  The friendship or relationship is fair,  balanced and equal. 

[Jackie321]

Thank you for the replies again.

 

Some info:

 

we were v close friends for 5 years 

I left her city 10 years ago

i haven’t seen her for about 5 years or spoken or her on the phone for the same time.

 

However, we have stayed in touch via WhatsApp all those years and send each other birthday and Xmas cards. Sometimes we can go 5 months without context. 
 

However, I did expect she would reach out after I had my baby with even a message or a card. I know I would have with her.

Maybe I’m expecting too much and the ‘friendship’ means more to me than her.

Anyhow, it’s time for me to pull back…

[Batya33]

16 minutes ago, Jackie321 said:

Thank you for the replies again.

 

Some info:

 

we were v close friends for 5 years 

I left her city 10 years ago

i haven’t seen her for about 5 years or spoken or her on the phone for the same time.

 

However, we have stayed in touch via WhatsApp all those years and send each other birthday and Xmas cards. Sometimes we can go 5 months without context. 
 

However, I did expect she would reach out after I had my baby with even a message or a card. I know I would have with her.

Maybe I’m expecting too much and the ‘friendship’ means more to me than her.

Anyhow, it’s time for me to pull back…

My sense is she is hurting and I know she should go beyond that and send a card but please try to put yourself in her shows -issues around conceiving/fertility can be really painful.  

[Jackie321]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

My sense is she is hurting and I know she should go beyond that and send a card but please try to put yourself in her shows -issues around conceiving/fertility can be really painful.  

I get that but when she announced she was pregnant I had just had the the third of 3 failed fertility treatments (she knew this) and felt jealous and upset at her news but I put my big girl pants on and congratulated her and was supportive all the way through her pregnancy. I realised it wasn’t her fault I hadn’t conceived and didn’t want to ruin our friendship by making an issue out of it.

it just pi$$es me off she can’t even bring herself to send me a message or a card. She doesn’t even have to see me!! My baby is 2 months old now so I doubt I’ll hear from her now.

[boltnrun]

I had a good friend cut me off completely when I got into a relationship. She apparently was angry and felt "abandoned". This is someone I talked to several times a week and spent time with at least twice a month. And I had no intention of cutting her off just because I got a boyfriend. But she ignored all of my calls and wouldn't return them either even when I left messages asking her to call me back. I gave up after about three months of being ignored. I haven't heard from her since and that happened over 20 years ago 🤷‍♀️

It's too bad, but your former friend is apparently no longer interested in being friends. 

[itsallgrand]

You'd have to ask her to know. 

Maybe it has to do with her own pain or maybe she just hasn't agreed with all the choices you've made. The second one is what I initially thought, but of course you'd have to ask her to know for sure. And she may not even say when asked directly. 

Not everyone is all aboard on the idea of ivf. And it sounds like you have been doing it a long while. There's that, and maybe too it could be circumstances around it that makes her uncomfortable. These are just possibilities.

There are times sometimes when a friend might not be thrilled with all the choices we make, and they keep it to themselves because they do not want to step on toes nor hurt feelings. 

I'll give an example. It's not a friend, but family. A cousin of mine got pregnant on purpose during lockdown while being a single mom who was relying already on the government and family to support herself and her son. She knew she'd be high risk as well. Many of us were not thrilled, though yes I commented when she had her daughter saying congrats on everyone being healthy. And I did really mean that. But I also wasn't going to be going out of my way to heap excitement on her because I did not feel that way at all. 

There's this expectation in society that when someone has a baby, everyone should be brimming with joy for you no matter what. But in reality, it's not always so simple. People can have mixed feelings for all kinds of reasons. 

It's up to you if you can handle that she isn't 100% thrilled. Seems you can't. Your choice. I wrote all this though to challenge the idea that someone is not on your side and doesn't care about you if they don't emote as we want them to. 

Best of luck going forward. 

 

[redswim30]

55 minutes ago, Jackie321 said:

 

it just pi$$es me off she can’t even bring herself to send me a message or a card. She doesn’t even have to see me!! My baby is 2 months old now so I doubt I’ll hear from her now.

Why does it piss you off?   It's not fair to be mad at someone for not reacting in the way that you would or because they didn't live up to your invisible expectations of them. 

Try to bear this in mind, OP.  Pregnancy is a delicate issue for a lot of women.  Their reactions to things has far more to do with THEM and their journey than yours.   Perhaps she could feel your tension when the tables were turned?  IDK. 

But I want to be frank with you.  I personally have had a VERY tough road with issues concerning pregnancy, fertility, and bad fights with my husband regarding them.  And it's a sensitive issue that I have a hard time discussing in private, much less sharing with others.  As women, it's important to hold grace in our hearts for other women whose journey we may not fully know.  I have a hard time feeling unmitigated joy for women who have babies.  I need to be happy for them from a distance. 

I don't think it's fair to say I need to "put on my big girl pants", as no one knows the pain I've been thru or how I still struggle with it.  I have to do what is healthy for me and that is distance myself from new mothers.  It's because I don't want to take my sadness out on them or detract from their joy.   But the point is, it's about me- not them.  It's not that I'm not happy for them, it's that I need to take care of myself and my own emotional well being first.   You can't expect anyone else to feel the same joy for your own baby as you do.  To put that expectation out there is unfair of you.  (and it doesn't matter what YOU did, that's YOU).  Everyone is different and is allowed to feel and respond differently.   

Don't take her actions or perceived inaction as an insult to you.  It's probably more about her.  Allow her space and move forwards.  

[Jackie321]

Thanks for the comments everyone.

 

itsallgrand - I don’t think she disapproves of HOW I got pregnant. She was 100% supportive of my first pregnancy which was also via fertility treatment. I think she either just doesn’t consider us to be friends anymore hence the lack of effort or she’s jealous/upset that I’ve had a second baby when she’s not likely to get the opportunity.

 

Neither are great for me and I won’t be contacting her again!!

[Cherylyn]

9 hours ago, Jackie321 said:

Thank you for the replies again.

 

Some info:

 

we were v close friends for 5 years 

I left her city 10 years ago

i haven’t seen her for about 5 years or spoken or her on the phone for the same time.

 

However, we have stayed in touch via WhatsApp all those years and send each other birthday and Xmas cards. Sometimes we can go 5 months without context. 
 

However, I did expect she would reach out after I had my baby with even a message or a card. I know I would have with her.

Maybe I’m expecting too much and the ‘friendship’ means more to me than her.

Anyhow, it’s time for me to pull back…

Lower your expectations and standards in people.  Don't think so highly of others because they will not behave the same way you would.  I had to learn this concept the hard way.  My husband always tells me if you lower your expectations,  you won't get hurt.  He is correct.  Also,  lower your standards in people meaning accept them as is but it doesn't mean you have to agree with their disdainful behavior.  If they don't qualify to be in your life due to their lack of high quality character,  then make the decision not make them a part of your life anymore. 

You haven't seen each other in 5 years so the more time lapses,  the more you become strangers just like any random stranger in society.  Social media isn't the end all.  Sure,  it's good to keep in touch via FB,  IG,  WhatsApp or whatever but it's not the same as your previous in person friendship and camaraderie.  Those days are gone. 

Don't invest your time,  energy and thoughts into other people if they don't give you the same common decency and common courtesy.  As mentioned previously,  always follow other people's cues.  If they're nice,  you be nice.  If they don't care about you,  follow suit by not caring about them.  If they ignore you,  ignore them back.  If they're kind and enthusiastic about you in any way ~ written,  verbal,  cards,  gifts,  money,  time,  help,  labor or whatever,  then reciprocate.  Always make sure the friendship or relationship is on equal footing so you'll never feel slighted, short changed,  unfair nor taken advantage of.  I come from the school of hard knocks and interpersonal dynamics is not a difficult skill to hone if you become shrewd as you navigate yourself with or without people.  Practice makes perfect.  🤗

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Jackie321 said:

Thanks for the comments everyone.

 

itsallgrand - I don’t think she disapproves of HOW I got pregnant. She was 100% supportive of my first pregnancy which was also via fertility treatment. I think she either just doesn’t consider us to be friends anymore hence the lack of effort or she’s jealous/upset that I’ve had a second baby when she’s not likely to get the opportunity.

 

Neither are great for me and I won’t be contacting her again!!

Yes if she is not interested in adopting or fostering.   No need to contact her.