I'm feel envious of my baby cousin

[caterpillardoo]

I feel envious of my 19-year-old cousin because she is more perceived than I am. Please understand that I love her dearly and acknowledge that she is an amazing person. It's just that when I was her age, I was a late bloomer, and I still feel that way at 22. My cousin has a unique alternative style, with stunning fire red curly hair, cool piercings, and tattoos that suit her. She takes risks with her outfits, which is also cool, and she has an overall attractive appearance.

Even though I'm considered pretty, I have a softer and more plain look with plain, brown hair and bangs and im considered more of a "cute girl" than a "sexy mind blowing attractive girl". I dont wanna change my appearance...cause this is who i am . However i find myself basic and uninteresting compared to her. Her friends often question our relation because we look so different, and I can't help but feel basic and boring in comparison.

When I was her age, I remember not attracting any male attention, even during my second year of university. The only people who showed interest in me were my female best friend, who confessed her feelings for me (but I turned her down because I'm straight), and a guy I briefly dated for four months. I can't help but feel incredibly jealous that my cousin seems to effortlessly attract anyone she wants. It makes me question if there's something seriously wrong with me.

Personally, I tend to avoid nightclubs and similar venues because they make me feel anxious and like I'm wasting my time. 
I am somewhat of a perfectionist and an overachiever, always striving to have everything in order. However, recently I experienced a major breakdown for two reasons. Firstly, it was because of the pressure I put on myself to absorb every single piece of information during my studies. Secondly, my cousin reached out to me to share that she had already met someone at rehab (so immature of me ik) even though shes be having a bunch of other men around her (she has successfully overcome her addiction to weed , she was addicted for 4 months).While I am genuinely happy for her , I can't help but feel envious once again. She suggested that I meet this person, but honestly, I'm not interested. It brings up feelings of inadequacy because I also crave love, affection, and all those things... I don't know, I just feel unattractive, unapproachable, and a failure. I know it's so immature to feel this way...but I do... I have developed a crush on a nerdy guy whom I've been interested in for a year and a half. We chat frequently, but the last time we went out was two years ago. I recently asked him out, and he accepted, but we haven't made concrete plans yet probably because he isn't interested which is understandable. I feel like I'm rotting in front of a single book while her is having sex and gas fun. Which is great for her because I love her so much but I want to  experience intimacy with someone I love...and am attracted to . I really do.

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, caterpillardoo said:

I feel envious of my 19-year-old cousin because she is more perceived than I am. Please understand that I love her dearly and acknowledge that she is an amazing person. It's just that when I was her age, I was a late bloomer, and I still feel that way at 22. My cousin has a unique alternative style, with stunning fire red curly hair, cool piercings, and tattoos that suit her. She takes risks with her outfits, which is also cool, and she has an overall attractive appearance.

Even though I'm considered pretty, I have a softer and more plain look with plain, brown hair and bangs and im considered more of a "cute girl" than a "sexy mind blowing attractive girl". I dont wanna change my appearance...cause this is who i am . However i find myself basic and uninteresting compared to her. Her friends often question our relation because we look so different, and I can't help but feel basic and boring in comparison.

When I was her age, I remember not attracting any male attention, even during my second year of university. The only people who showed interest in me were my female best friend, who confessed her feelings for me (but I turned her down because I'm straight), and a guy I briefly dated for four months. I can't help but feel incredibly jealous that my cousin seems to effortlessly attract anyone she wants. It makes me question if there's something seriously wrong with me.

 I want to  experience intimacy with someone I love...and am attracted to . I really do.

The most important thing is to be true to yourself and date the type of guys who you feel suit you. What everyone else does is interesting but you're really best at being you.

[Coily]

Welcome to ENA.

Being single is a rough game, especially if you down play yourself unjustly. While it's natural to look at what someone else has that is similar to what you want, you don't know the ins and outs of how they got there. In this case your cousin has a drug addiction she will be struggling with her entire life, not exactly a glamourous thing.

When you downplay yourself as plain, everyone does themselves a disservice, to the right one you are gorgeous and sexy. It just takes some of us longer than other to find that person.

Nightclubs, kind of suck to be brutally honest; especially if you are trying to find someone who is a good match. So look at where else you can go that will have men you are interested in around. Maybe volunteer, meetup groups, game nights, trivia nights, places where the kind of man you are interested in would go.

With the "nerdy guy" if neither of you have made plans, he could be too scared to make the wrong plans. If you want to it's fine to make up some plans for a nice date, or you could encourage him with some suggestions of what you would like. Sometimes guys don't get subtle.

I wish you the best, being on that single shelf is hard.

 

 

[Batya33]

Please don't be jealous of someone who has a drug problem and also has little in common with you.  Let her do her and you do you.  I too was not sexy or glamorous at 22 or really ever.  I was more of the "Ivory Girl" (this was a phrase when I was your age in 1988).  My younger cousin was 18 and she had more stuff (I mean materialistically) and seemed to be more popular.  But I decided to love her for who she was and we ended up being very close in my late 20s/her mid 20s. 

Which is good -that I had that precious time with her - because at age 32 shortly before her wedding she was diagnosed with late stage breast cancer and she died 2 years later -many years ago.  I miss her so.  I cannot imagine how awful I'd feel if I ever let my jealousy of her overtake our closeness or impede it.  (I also was jealous of how easy it was for her to meet the right guy while I was floundering in that department). I have such wonderful memories of her and our friendship.  Life is short!! 

You both bring a lot to the table -to the world -despite bringing different things.  And that's ok! Please embrace what you have with her and don't try to be someone you are not including being like her.

[Cherylyn]

Like you,  I was envious of my younger cousin.  I remember when she and her parents visited my childhood home and she was very pretty at age 17 or 18.  In photographs,  I looked horrible!  She graduated from a prestigious university whereas I did not.  Fast forward to today.  She foolishly divorced her first husband after a few short years (a nice guy to her regret) and married an awful guy.  Her 2nd husband not only has terrible character defects to the point of causing turmoil in their marriage,  he's also a litigation risk!  In in addition,  he's plagued with several debilitating,  very serious,  life threatening autoimmune disorders.  She let her looks go,  she looks old,  didn't take good care of herself,  gained a lot of weight, she's no longer beautiful,   wrinkled,  so tired,  a mother of two kids,  sole breadwinner and runs herself haggard doing everything because her husband fatigues very easily due to his illnesses and potent prescription drugs. 

Who ended up having the better life?  Yours truly.  I don't have to drive home with dread as I pull up into my driveway knowing what awaits me.  I married a good guy who treats me right and he's an amazing father to our sons.  Since my marriage made my life easier,  it shows because I don't look worn out.  My husband has taken outstanding care of me and I take very good care of myself, too. 

Don't be envious because you have something your cousin does not have.  You may not see this now but you're more attractive because you're economically strong and independence will give you self confidence and high self esteem. 

Concentrate on your career and everything else will fall into place.  Take good care of your health.  If you have time,  take advantage of it.  Be grateful and work on that.  Your cousin could very well be envious of you but you don't know it.  Be your own person and you will be fine. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, caterpillardoo said:

 she had already met someone at rehab.

This is nothing to be envious of.

[shouldhavelearned]

Stay strong and don't focus on them. Focus on you!

[Kwothe28]

You are jelly because your cousin is more beautiful and popular? That is like a high school phase of emotions lol

Media likes to throw a phrase how "everybody is equally beautiful no matter how they look" and such. But in a reality, no. Some people are more beautiful and more popular. And as a result of that, they have more easier time through life. They attract other people more easily, they have easier time through dating in a sense that they would have more suitors, and they even have more easier time in life in general and even having easier access to some jobs. Its called "pretty priviledge" and its a real thing.

Anyway, that is no reason to be jelly on your cousin. Some people just have it easier. But its important for you to take care of your own life. If you have a problem meeting men then you should do something about that. For example maybe put yourself in a position where you can meet some single men by attending some gathering you like. Its far better to work on yourself then to be jelly on others having easier time.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Some people are more beautiful and more popular. And as a result of that, they have more easier time through life. They attract other people more easily, they have easier time through dating in a sense that they would have more suitors, and they even have more easier time in life in general and even having easier access to some jobs. Its called "pretty priviledge" and its a real thing.

Anyway, that is no reason to be jelly on your cousin. Some people just have it easier. But its important for you to take care of your own life.

Yup - life isn't fair. I was blessed with good genes as far as my weight and I highly suspect that is why I seem to have an easier time staying slim.  Being slim was an asset when I was dating from around 1978-2005.  Being an overweight woman often made it harder to date. 

Several times in my life a man I was really into chose a woman who was much prettier than me - and I accept that.  It stung some of course but it made sense to me.  Many women didn't choose my husband because he is short.  Short in men often is a "flaw" or "unattractive".  I preferred dating shorter men (I am petite).  So it wasn't "fair" but we ended up finding each other and I didn't "settle" for someone "short." 

I was jealous of friends who found partners earlier than me and could start families earlier than me and jealous of women who got pregnant easily. 

But I did not let it consume me nor did I do the whole "well they had easier times conceiving but ha ha they ended up with 3 kids and got divorced" - no way -I am NOT going to live my life that way playing that comparison game. It's just mean.  The gorgeous blonde who bullied me in junior high school or high school (meaning was nasty/excluded me from plans/gossipped about me) -we reconnected on facebook years later.  She is obese and her husband left her a few years ago -handsome successful husband. 

She actually is kind of oblivious to how she treated me back then.  We reconnected and I've made the decision not to take the "ha ha the gorgeous blonde is now obese and alone" - instead I forgave her (silently) and I am connecting with her in a mature adult way and I even reached out to her during the pandemic to help one of her teenagers -the teenager had to do a demo of a product she was trying to sell in order to be hired so I agreed to be the person she did the demo for for an hour one day over zoom.  An hour I really didn't have. 

But when you turn the other cheek so to speak you grow as a person (and no I am not saying to be over the top nice to someone who recently mistreated you -this was differnent). I wasn't rewarding her transgressions when she and I were classmates -I was making a choice to go beyond that and sort of throw positive karma/energy at it so to speak and be a person who could help someone else.  But you simply cannot do that if you choose to let envy consume you or look for the "ha ha see I was jealous but I'm actually better than her!!"

[Lambert]

Well, I think we can all be a little envious at times. And you already recognize this is a little immature and kinda lame.... 

It's good you see this as a problem but what are you going to do about it? Continue to put yourself down and have a pity party?

Only you can fix this and it's not through competing with her or comparing to her.  You have to start working on your self esteem. set some goals for yourself. some that might come easily to you and some stretch goals.  

Any time you are focused on what someone else is doing, it means you don't have enough going on with you. Get busy doing something, anything! make a mistake. lol

[caterpillardoo]

2 hours ago, Lambert said:

Well, I think we can all be a little envious at times. And you already recognize this is a little immature and kinda lame.... 

It's good you see this as a problem but what are you going to do about it? Continue to put yourself down and have a pity party?

Only you can fix this and it's not through competing with her or comparing to her.  You have to start working on your self esteem. set some goals for yourself. some that might come easily to you and some stretch goals.  

Any time you are focused on what someone else is doing, it means you don't have enough going on with you. Get busy doing something, anything! make a mistake. lol

I find myself in a constant state of busyness, which is why I can't help but envy her. She seems to have much free time to gets bfs and have fun. On the other hand, I have to juggle studying, working, and training for my track and field competitions, leaving me perpetually stressed. I yearn for a chance to relax and unwind like she does. I wanna be care free and stuff

[boltnrun]

You may be surprised how many men find the "smart, nerdy bookworm" type extremely attractive. They think that underneath your calm exterior lies a real firecracker of a woman. My ex boyfriend found school teachers and librarians hot. He loved women who wore glasses and dressed in corporate type clothing. 

Don't sell yourself short. You are educated and intelligent. The right man will appreciate those qualities. 

Also, you might discover your cousin actually admires you for having your stuff together. I don't see someone who had to go to rehab for substance abuse someone you need to feel inferior to. She has her problems like anyone else. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, caterpillardoo said:

I find myself in a constant state of busyness, which is why I can't help but envy her. She seems to have much free time to gets bfs and have fun. On the other hand, I have to juggle studying, working, and training for my track and field competitions, leaving me perpetually stressed. I yearn for a chance to relax and unwind like she does. I wanna be care free and stuff

How is rehab and the aftermath fun or carefree? Take an inventory of all you do - and see where there are times you are doing stuff that is not essential and that is how you start to work in more free time.  I was where you are for many years and I still am and am a 56 year old married mom of a teen. I also think my frenetic pace -like yours -really worked out in the long run as far as professional success and building up a financial nest egg for my future.

[Lambert]

2 hours ago, caterpillardoo said:

I find myself in a constant state of busyness, which is why I can't help but envy her. She seems to have much free time to gets bfs and have fun. On the other hand, I have to juggle studying, working, and training for my track and field competitions, leaving me perpetually stressed. I yearn for a chance to relax and unwind like she does. I wanna be care free and stuff

Then you should try to limit some activities or drop something all together.  What's the point of running yourself into a state of stress?

[Don_]

One of the hardest thing to learn in life is that most people show a front that isn’t their real life, it’s just a little bit of theater. As the saying goes you don’t know anyone unless you walk a mile in their shoes. If you did walk a mile in her shoes you might find out it’s not a life you would ever want. Sure hormonal males are attracted to someone with the attributes you describe. Of course then we grow up, (well most of us anyway). I found myself more attracted to a cute face and smile any day, as most of them are more stable personalities and have their life under control. My advice would be to get closer to your cousin, live the best life for you and be honest with yourself about what you want and don’t accept anything less. That’s something your allowed to be selfish about with no apologies.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, caterpillardoo said:

I have to juggle studying, working, and training for my track and field competitions, leaving me perpetually stressed. I yearn for a chance to relax and unwind.

It's great you're ambitious. However it seems like your life isn't balanced and you're getting burned out. You need to make time for friends and socializing.

This has nothing to do with your cousin or what you look like. This has to go with perhaps burying yourself in overachieving at the expense of friends, fun and dating.

[Cherylyn]

There was a time when I was actually envious of my sister.  She lives lavishly in an exclusively posh gated community of multi-million dollar homes.  There were times when I wish I had what she had.  Not anymore.  With a "keeping up with the Joneses" lifestyle,  comes bigger,  out of sight bills. 😯 💰 It's all about appearances.  Sometimes,  the more money you make,  the more you spend because you grow accustomed to an ultra affluent lifestyle. 

I've noticed that despite their incomes north of $300,000+ per year,  there's a catch.  Both of them have NPD (narcissistic personality disorders).  I'm not envious of whom she married to get what she has.  Her husband is a chauvinist,  unkind,  extremely arrogant,  humiliating and shameful towards his wife,  children and during all social settings towards everyone.  No one is left unscathed of their wrath.  She often times has to banish her husband at home because it's too embarrassing for her to allow him to accompany her in public or socially.  It's that bad and she's no better.  Both of them are not easy to get along with which screams insecurity because most content,  secure people tend to have empathy or so I've noticed. 

I'm relieved to be who I am and grateful to be married to a great man who is an amazing husband (extremely helpful and selfless) and father to our sons.  I'd hate to be married to a guy who makes tons of money but a pain in the  _______  to live with.  Sure,  money makes misery more comfortable but money will not buy you happiness. 

Regarding couples,  you don't know what goes on behind closed doors and the battles people cannot triumph.  It's a sad situation once you dig deeper.   ☹️

 

[caterpillardoo]

4 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

There was a time when I was actually envious of my sister.  She lives lavishly in an exclusively posh gated community of multi-million dollar homes.  There were times when I wish I had what she had.  Not anymore.  With a "keeping up with the Joneses" lifestyle,  comes bigger,  out of sight bills. 😯 💰 It's all about appearances.  Sometimes,  the more money you make,  the more you spend because you grow accustomed to an ultra affluent lifestyle. 

I've noticed that despite their incomes north of $300,000+ per year,  there's a catch.  Both of them have NPD (narcissistic personality disorders).  I'm not envious of whom she married to get what she has.  Her husband is a chauvinist,  unkind,  extremely arrogant,  humiliating and shameful towards his wife,  children and during all social settings towards everyone.  No one is left unscathed of their wrath.  She often times has to banish her husband at home because it's too embarrassing for her to allow him to accompany her in public or socially.  It's that bad and she's no better.  Both of them are not easy to get along with which screams insecurity because most content,  secure people tend to have empathy or so I've noticed. 

I'm relieved to be who I am and grateful to be married to a great man who is an amazing husband (extremely helpful and selfless) and father to our sons.  I'd hate to be married to a guy who makes tons of money but a pain in the  _______  to live with.  Sure,  money makes misery more comfortable but money will not buy you happiness. 

Regarding couples,  you don't know what goes on behind closed doors and the battles people cannot triumph.  It's a sad situation once you dig deeper.   ☹️

 

I'm deeply sorry for your sister although she made the choice to marry this person, it appears that he is an extremely difficult individual and a total nightmare. I've also observed that individuals who possess significant wealth often exhibit unkindness, unhappiness, and problematic behavior.

 

[caterpillardoo]

On 7/5/2023 at 9:11 PM, Don_ said:

One of the hardest thing to learn in life is that most people show a front that isn’t their real life, it’s just a little bit of theater. As the saying goes you don’t know anyone unless you walk a mile in their shoes. If you did walk a mile in her shoes you might find out it’s not a life you would ever want. Sure hormonal males are attracted to someone with the attributes you describe. Of course then we grow up, (well most of us anyway). I found myself more attracted to a cute face and smile any day, as most of them are more stable personalities and have their life under control. My advice would be to get closer to your cousin, live the best life for you and be honest with yourself about what you want and don’t accept anything less. That’s something your allowed to be selfish about with no apologies.

That's endearing to hear , really helpful 

[caterpillardoo]

On 7/5/2023 at 2:06 PM, Batya33 said:

Yup - life isn't fair. I was blessed with good genes as far as my weight and I highly suspect that is why I seem to have an easier time staying slim.  Being slim was an asset when I was dating from around 1978-2005.  Being an overweight woman often made it harder to date. 

Several times in my life a man I was really into chose a woman who was much prettier than me - and I accept that.  It stung some of course but it made sense to me.  Many women didn't choose my husband because he is short.  Short in men often is a "flaw" or "unattractive".  I preferred dating shorter men (I am petite).  So it wasn't "fair" but we ended up finding each other and I didn't "settle" for someone "short." 

I was jealous of friends who found partners earlier than me and could start families earlier than me and jealous of women who got pregnant easily. 

But I did not let it consume me nor did I do the whole "well they had easier times conceiving but ha ha they ended up with 3 kids and got divorced" - no way -I am NOT going to live my life that way playing that comparison game. It's just mean.  The gorgeous blonde who bullied me in junior high school or high school (meaning was nasty/excluded me from plans/gossipped about me) -we reconnected on facebook years later.  She is obese and her husband left her a few years ago -handsome successful husband. 

She actually is kind of oblivious to how she treated me back then.  We reconnected and I've made the decision not to take the "ha ha the gorgeous blonde is now obese and alone" - instead I forgave her (silently) and I am connecting with her in a mature adult way and I even reached out to her during the pandemic to help one of her teenagers -the teenager had to do a demo of a product she was trying to sell in order to be hired so I agreed to be the person she did the demo for for an hour one day over zoom.  An hour I really didn't have. 

But when you turn the other cheek so to speak you grow as a person (and no I am not saying to be over the top nice to someone who recently mistreated you -this was differnent). I wasn't rewarding her transgressions when she and I were classmates -I was making a choice to go beyond that and sort of throw positive karma/energy at it so to speak and be a person who could help someone else.  But you simply cannot do that if you choose to let envy consume you or look for the "ha ha see I was jealous but I'm actually better than her!!"

That requires some extreme level of maturity,  which I don't possess yet. But really loved what you did , instead of shaming her like she did.

[caterpillardoo]

On 7/5/2023 at 8:16 AM, Kwothe28 said:

You are jelly because your cousin is more beautiful and popular? That is like a high school phase of emotions lol

Yup, it be like dat sometimes xD

[Cherylyn]

4 hours ago, caterpillardoo said:

I'm deeply sorry for your sister although she made the choice to marry this person, it appears that he is an extremely difficult individual and a total nightmare. I've also observed that individuals who possess significant wealth often exhibit unkindness, unhappiness, and problematic behavior.

 

Thank you @caterpillardoo.  You are right.  She made her choice to marry this person.  She made her bed and now must lie in it.  ☹️  In her case,  money talks.  It's either put up or shut up.  To her,  it beats being a single parent or divorced twice.  Her first marriage (to a good guy actually) ended within a year.  She doesn't want 2 divorced marks on her record.  I agree,  significant wealth creates cruel,  egomaniac monsters.  😈  NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) at its "finest."  ☹️

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, caterpillardoo said:

I'm deeply sorry for your sister although she made the choice to marry this person, it appears that he is an extremely difficult individual and a total nightmare. I've also observed that individuals who possess significant wealth often exhibit unkindness, unhappiness, and problematic behavior.

 

I've observed that it has nothing to do with it whatsoever.  I've met people who have no money with those personality traits as well as people with  lots. Depends sometimes how they amassed their $ -given to them or worked for? I know many many people who built up a nest egg (me included) who give a lot to charity, do tons of philanthropic work, do small and large kindnesses. 

I know of a mom who struggled financially so she stayed afloat by embezzling $ from a fundraising event in which she enlisted the help and $ of many moms in a facebook group, and I know of people who sling insults and nastiness at people who choose to better themselves through education and hard work and sweat while they feel "entitled" to all sorts of perks like "what? this employer won't let me work from home with my kids around?" or "what? I have to achieve a degree in order to get a promotion??" 

My grandpa  RIP came to our country and washed windows to put food on the table but his dream was that his children get educated and be successful at careers -including financially.  No -he wasn't raising kids to get $ and then act nastily - he instilled strong work ethic and grit and resilience and for sure wanted them to have a more financially comfortable life than he did when he came to this country over 100 years ago.  I know of many children of immigrants who amassed wealth and paid it forward so your generalization -with all respect -doesn't hold water.

It takes all kinds and it's deeply unfair to generalize about how people behave.  Certainly people who are very wealthy often get more media coverage so it might lead to cliches like you wrote above -or negative generalizations.

[Cherylyn]

I know very affluent families within my community and you would never guess in a million years how financially comfortable they are.  They dress plainly,  don't wear fancy jewelry,  their behavior is extremely humble and modest and they never talk about themselves!  Never!  They don't talk about themselves because they're so secure that they don't have to say a word.  They have it made in the shade.  They're helpful,  kind,  serve in their church ministries,  feed the homeless and serve the downtrodden in society.  Even those who aren't members of a church are very moral people. 

In my experience,  whether wealthy,  middle class or not,  the most obnoxiously rude people have deep seeded insecurities and angst which dates from decades ago.  They have a lot of psychological baggage.  Insecure,  unhappy people tend to act abnormally and unkind toward others or to select people in their lives.  They're risky to engage with and only do so at your own risk. 

OP,  @caterpillardoo,  circling back to your cousin,  it's better to focus on yourself and your life.  Don't care about others and whatever they do.  Be your own person and don't check up on them on your social media.  I don't.  Ignorance is bliss.  🤗

[MissCanuck]

On 7/5/2023 at 4:52 PM, caterpillardoo said:

She seems to have much free time to gets bfs and have fun.

And go to rehab. 

She doesn't seem to have an enviable life if she's landed in rehab at just 19. Sure, it might look "fun" to you on the outside but it indicates deeper problems inside her. And what sort of calibre are these boyfriends? Landing any old guy who's just as troubled as her isn't something to be jealous of, OP.  

She's young and fumbling around. Hopefully, she will mature and grow out of the recklessness she seems to be indulging in now. It catches up with people, sooner or later.  Don't confuse the ability to attract a guy with having a life that is worth envying.