I feel envious of my 19-year-old cousin because she is more perceived than I am. Please understand that I love her dearly and acknowledge that she is an amazing person. It's just that when I was her age, I was a late bloomer, and I still feel that way at 22. My cousin has a unique alternative style, with stunning fire red curly hair, cool piercings, and tattoos that suit her. She takes risks with her outfits, which is also cool, and she has an overall attractive appearance. Even though I'm considered pretty, I have a softer and more plain look with plain, brown hair and bangs and im considered more of a "cute girl" than a "sexy mind blowing attractive girl". I dont wanna change my appearance...cause this is who i am . However i find myself basic and uninteresting compared to her. Her friends often question our relation because we look so different, and I can't help but feel basic and boring in comparison. When I was her age, I remember not attracting any male attention, even during my second year of university. The only people who showed interest in me were my female best friend, who confessed her feelings for me (but I turned her down because I'm straight), and a guy I briefly dated for four months. I can't help but feel incredibly jealous that my cousin seems to effortlessly attract anyone she wants. It makes me question if there's something seriously wrong with me. Personally, I tend to avoid nightclubs and similar venues because they make me feel anxious and like I'm wasting my time. I am somewhat of a perfectionist and an overachiever, always striving to have everything in order. However, recently I experienced a major breakdown for two reasons. Firstly, it was because of the pressure I put on myself to absorb every single piece of information during my studies. Secondly, my cousin reached out to me to share that she had already met someone at rehab (so immature of me ik) even though shes be having a bunch of other men around her (she has successfully overcome her addiction to weed , she was addicted for 4 months).While I am genuinely happy for her , I can't help but feel envious once again. She suggested that I meet this person, but honestly, I'm not interested. It brings up feelings of inadequacy because I also crave love, affection, and all those things... I don't know, I just feel unattractive, unapproachable, and a failure. I know it's so immature to feel this way...but I do... I have developed a crush on a nerdy guy whom I've been interested in for a year and a half. We chat frequently, but the last time we went out was two years ago. I recently asked him out, and he accepted, but we haven't made concrete plans yet probably because he isn't interested which is understandable. I feel like I'm rotting in front of a single book while her is having sex and gas fun. Which is great for her because I love her so much but I want to experience intimacy with someone I love...and am attracted to . I really do.
