Re-building Trust Post Affair

[WinstonDog]

Hi,

 

This is my first post so go easy. I have been in a great relationship for the last 8 years, and I have two young children aged 2 and 4. I love my children and my partner dearly.

But, and it's a big but. I have been unfaithful. Five weeks ago i went on a 'lads' holiday. On this trip I established an emotional connection to a girl. On the last day of the trip we kissed. For about five weeks after we texted, a very little bit of minor sexting (I mean minor), and then things fizzled out. I felt guilt throughout this process.

My partner found the messages. I deleted them before she could read them through pure panic. She has persistently wanted to know what they were about. I lied at first, but in the end the guilt got the better of me and I confessed.

Understandably she's really upset, and feels like I have crossed a line and is unlikely to be able to forgive (we have literally just finished talking). I am obviously devastated.

My partner has asked me to think of things I can do to try and make her able to trust me again. I'll be honest, I'm a little lost on this. My initial thought is to offer to go on some form of counselling to better understand trust, and improve my emotional intelligence which i think could be beneficial for me, as i do struggle emotionally.

I know this is a journey I need to go on, but would be grateful if anyone can offer any advice.

thank you,

[Coily]

It's going to be a rough road for you both, and counseling is a great start. Not just for you two as a couple, but for yourself individually.

In your position, I would swear off lads' holidays for a long time. I would offer to share communications, if she asks. Be transparent in where you are going and who you are with. Perhaps pick up extra chores around the house, and spend more time with the kids and your partner. The other huge thing, ask your partner what she needs after you make some recommendations.

There will probably be a lot of being detestable to you on here, ignore them and listen to the people who want to help you without the condemnation.

[bluecastle]

Sorry about this.

As Coily noted, I think it's important to accept that this is going to be a long process, not something that can be fixed quickly. Commit to that process now, in your own head and heart. That commitment will help you navigate what are bound to be some very turbulent waters. 

1 hour ago, WinstonDog said:

My partner has asked me to think of things I can do to try and make her able to trust me again.

The truth is that trust doesn't work this way, not quite. It is a choice we all make, and whether or not your partner can choose to trust you again is something she is going to figure out, on her own time.

In your shoes, what I would do right now is make an appointment to see a therapist, to better understand what led you to choose to be unfaithful. Let your partner know you're doing this, and why—that shows you are being proactive, rather than reacting solely to her. Then ask her if she would be willing to attend couple's counseling with you.

There are many relationships that get through these moments, and thrive. Of course, there are others that don't. Right now neither of you know where you'll come out, and she is likely not thinking about that so much as just feeling enormously hurt and angry. Let her feel all that, for as long as she needs.  

[WinstonDog]

Thank you all for the comments.

As a starter I have provided the email address of the girl concerned, and encouraged my partner to speak to her directly, in order to hopefully satisify herself that i am telling the truth about the extent of our intimacy. I am also now actively looking for a therapist, and intend to invite my partner. 

I appreciate that we are currently in the 'eye of the storm' and emotions are up in the air. I can only hope as things settle down, she will believe that I am doing my absolute up-most to make this right.

If you dont mind i'll keep you posted on how things pan out. Plus, it helps me if I can talk about these things.

[bluecastle]

6 minutes ago, WinstonDog said:

If you dont mind i'll keep you posted on how things pan out.

That's what this site is for. 

I'm curious to ask: What is your explanation, to yourself, as to why you made this choice? Were you fulfilled in your relationship? In your own skin? 

[lostandhurt]

Have you ever been betrayed?  If not you have no idea how hurt and sick your partner feels right now.

Bluecastle is right on the money so pay attention.

You need to offer to answer any and all questions she has with complete honesty no matter how worried you are it may end the relationship.  This is one of those times when ripping the bandage off is the only way.

 Right now her head and heart are swirling with so many feelings and questions not to mention fear and anger.  I agree you need to allow her that and don't think for one moment that if they subside they are gone because they will come roaring back unexpectedly.

 Don't ask her to keep your betrayal secret so others will not know.  If she wants to tell the world then she has your blessing.  This isn't about you, this is about the betrayal of trust, betrayal of your partner and worst of all betrayal of your family you both worked so hard for.

 All her dreams, security, plans and future happiness are gone in her mind.  They are not really gone but she feels they are gone at the moment.  Keep all of this in mind each and every day.

 What you can do is be the man she thought you were and hope she sees it.  Absolutely no flowers or gifts as these are more insulting than helpful.  Make her life easier by doing the little things but do them out of her sight.  Let her discover these tiny things you should have been doing anyways.

 Blue is also very correct that you need to figure out exactly why you chose to continue on the path you did.  You had plenty of chances to stop but you chose to continue even after you returned home to your family.  Why did you put yourself before your family?  What did you say to yourself to convince you that somehow this was okay?  This has nothing to do with your partner, it was all on you no matter the status or health of your marriage.  You need to dig deep and be brutally honest with yourself and lay bare the things you do not want to talk about or even admit to yourself as being real and true.  Only then can you find the solution.

 Can this be saved?  Yes it can but it will take time for the trust to be rebuilt but you need to know it may never go back to what it once was.  Trust is a funny thing that sometimes is given so freely very quickly and other times takes years to build but it is always ruined in that one instant, that one choice that cannot be taken back.

 Keep posting it will help.

PS As you might have guessed I was cheated on after 20 years together.

 Lost 

[tattoobunnie]

While your partner was at home with the kids, the first chance you got, you cheated on her, then kept on an emotional affair for over a month after.  And, you tried to cover it up. If you haven't got caught, you'd probably would have done it again and again.  Things like this blows up families; you were and are being selfish.  My advice, give her access to your phone whenever she wants.  Access to all your emails and social media.  You blew up your right to privacy.  Don't go on "lads" trip, because you obviously couldn't make it with cheating on her.  And do a deep dive on why you did this, because I don't think you even know yet.

[SooSad33]

So ... you caved.

You chose to go there ... and continue for a while more after that weekend.  Could there be a reason why? A weakness within you?

I'm sure you feel some real guilt now, eh?  ( Did you feel it during your cheating?).  Or was this all basically curiosity and you just felt that 'need' to test the waters...

I understand some people have this need or curiosity and you failed 😕 .  You were away with your buds and came across some attractive woman. - reminds me of that saying how some men are 'easily corrupted'.

I think YOU need to think on this..... before you proceed. She learned of this w/out your offering, so you would rather have kept it all a secret.

IF your marriage & wife is worth it, you will agree to couples therapy, I'm pretty sure.  And maybe in there you can work out why you went this far.

Good luck for you both.  I hope things will work out okay again. ( And as mentioned, let her work through her emotions as she must).

 

 

[Cherylyn]

The only thing you can do is "actions speak louder than words"  meaning be honorable for many YEARS to come.  She will slowly and gradually defrost,  hopefully but don't be impatient.   Trust is extremely hard to recapture after deceit and betrayal.  Other than expressing your extreme remorse and offering your wife sincere apologies,  you need to be an open book.  I agree with @bluecastle.  You made your bed and now you must lie in it meaning it's time to pay the consequences.  Give her your password so she has evidence and proof regarding your cell phone,  emails,  texts,  messages,  social media,  etc.  Unfortunately,  she has to see for herself that you are sincere with your efforts to become a changed man. 

The best thing a father can do for his children is to love and respect their mother.  Do it. 

I agree with others.  No more trips with the lads and I would even take it a step further by saying no more meeting lads,  period;  unless of course, it's in group settings with their wives and girlfriends all together always.  No more hanky panky behind anyone's back.  No more funny business. 

Give your wife special attention for LIFE.  Take her out on dates,  picnics,  be a family man and do the right thing.  You'll have to do this forever because you're the one who set yourself up.  It's time to pay up if you wish to save and salvage what little is left of your marriage.  Don't be the other half of a homewrecker.   

[Kampuniform3]

I've went through this many years ago.

I'll be candid here, and bear in mind that this is not directed at you at any way at all, but it will provide you with some insight into how your partner will be reacting to this situation:

- Shock and denial.

- A considerable amount of anger.

- Disgust.

If she chooses to remain in the relationship, the cards will always be stacked against you, and there will always be lingering suspicions and doubts. 

In my instance, she could have been ***ting a mountain of 24-carat gold bars for me every day, and it would never have been enough to allay my doubts and suspicions. 

This is just my experience, however, and yours might be different. 

[MissCanuck]

18 hours ago, WinstonDog said:

On this trip I established an emotional connection to a girl.

How did you meet her? 

I am curious to hear how an emotional connection formed within days, and thus how you landed yourself here in the first place. Because until you get at the root of why you got close to another woman, the rest of it will not fall back into place. 

How was your relationship before this trip? 

[kehratha]

OP, you just have to be patient.

It will take time for her to forgive that, if ever. She will maybe forgive but never forget. She will probably mention this on every fight and you have to suck it, if you want this family to move forward.

Meanwhile, be there as much as you can, help her with everything she needs, don't push for intimacy (and don't get mad when is not happening), be that man every woman wants. 

DO things, your words means 0 for now.

And maybe, if she loves you enough , you will have a chance with her. 

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, WinstonDog said:

 I have provided the email address of the girl concerned, and encouraged my partner to speak to her directly, 

How did she respond to this? While it seems like you are attempting to employ "transparency", she has no reason to trust this woman and further, going into the gory details could do more harm than good. It's also not the other woman's job to fix your relationship.

It's excellent she is giving you another chance and that you're seeking out both individual and marriage therapy. Do not invite her to your therapist. That is too biased.

[Kathryn657xx]

Well done on your honesty firstly, it's hard to admit your own wrong-doings. Maybe put yourself in her situation and picture her the one who made an emotional connection with someone else and persued this for a few weeks. What would you need from her to feel safe again? How would you feel? She is more than likely feeling very self-conscious now, like she isn't good enough. Maybe start with this, compliment her, let her know why you chose her and what you love most about her. Don't mention the children, this is probably not what she needs right now, she needs to feel wanted regardless of being a mother. Hope this helps.