Nervous for a date

[Sindy_0311]

I think we are all saying the same thing  but with different words. I am afraid it’s not going to help her. Maybe she just needs to experience this by herself… this how people grow. You fall, get hurt but stand up again and become stronger… 

[Jaunty]

1 minute ago, Sindy_0311 said:

 Maybe she just needs to experience this by herself… this how people grow. You fall, get hurt but stand up again and become stronger… 

I agree with you.   I'm sure I'm projecting because of my own experiences, but I am finding it difficult to be accepting of what I perceive as very stubborn denial and justification.  

I hope that this OP is capable of learning and growing through this.  My concern is that she will just accept all of it and live a complete life of denial, but full of anger and bitterness, ultimately.   The "fall" part may never happen, as she seems ready to just glaze over what would be generally thought of as unacceptable.

Those of us who have followed her other threads are aware of her "acceptance" of crappy familial and "frenemy" relationships.   People have marriages like that all the time too.  She could be one of them.  Just to have the "boyfriend" box checked, and texts and emojis to prove it.

 

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I think we are all saying the same thing  but with different words. I am afraid it’s not going to help her. Maybe she just needs to experience this by herself… this how people grow. You fall, get hurt but stand up again and become stronger… 

That can happen or all of a sudden this man will be a "player" who "used her" and lied to her and she is  the victim.  I'm all for learning from not great choices and in her case from the tone of her previous threads I'm a bit dubious.

She is tolerating a level of disrespect that is cringeworthy.  Can you imagine a brand new boyfriend acting "aloof" about plans in an attempt -obviously  - to get you to pull the trigger and say nevermind so he doesn't have to officially uninvite (again) -and feeling like its minor and chomping at the bit to see that person yet again? He cancelled the other so-called party too. My sense is he found out last minute that a lady he might like would be there and while he won't "cheat" he can suss it out to see how he should proceed.  Just a guess.

[Wiseman2]

47 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

 Just to have the "boyfriend" box checked, and texts and emojis to prove it.

This seems to be the driving incentive. It's admirable that she got on dating apps 5 weeks ago to change her inner dialogue from "always a bridesmaid, never a bride" to "I have a BF".

It just seems like they are marching to different drummers on this and both seeing what they want to see. Which is him thinking "she puts up with my freedom ride, unlike my controlling ex" and her thinking "we are planning our future".

If it makes them happy for now that's cool, let's hope it goes well and/or ends well because there's too much unilateral investment.

[MrMan1983]

22 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

My sense is he found out last minute that a lady he might like would be there and while he won't "cheat" he can suss it out to see how he should proceed.  Just a guess.

This guys done a lot of supposed bad things on this thread 😂 My hunch is he actually had a sex party set up, different women and dress themes each room and didn’t think Alex would be warmed up enough to the idea yet so he uninvited her, that’s my guess 👀 

[rainbowsandroses]

41 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

My hunch is he actually had a sex party set up, different women and dress themes each room and didn’t think Alex would be warmed up enough to the idea yet so he uninvited her, that’s my guess 👀 

Or perhaps he's a decent guy (not a "player") who simply isn't desirous of being in a 'relationship' - exclusive, committed (like his marriage) or otherwise. 

And he's flailing about attempting to balance his need for female companionship (including regular sex) with his need for freedom and to do whatever the hell wants. 

Classic case "commitmentphobe" for lack of a better word.

The other night with the punctured tire - friend suddenly called wanting to smoke some weed, play video games or watch porn, and suddenly THAT sounded a whole lot more appealing than keeping his date with Alex. 

I mean his entire story was just whacked, start to finish. 

My ex (the one I've discussed on this thread) pulled shyt like this ALL THE TIME.

He'd be at home watching porn with his friends while texting me! 

His friends were his priority always. Then it became getting high, drugs and alcohol.

Yes I am projecting I own that. 

But I have learned TONS from that relationship and others and hopefully other women like Alex (and men) can learn from my experience and avoid the heartache and pain I endured. 

It's also how I was able to develop and tune my BS meter.  I can smell BS a mile away often without much information.

And I'm often correct too. 

 

[Jaunty]

I truly do NOT think he's any kind of a "player."  I bet he can't even believe his good luck at having this very beautiful, sexy, fun and quirky woman at his beck and call.

I just think that he's a flake and pretty devoted to partying at this time of his life.   

So far,  he's proven capable of being "nice" and texting a lot.  Low bar.  

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

Those of us who have followed her other threads are aware of her "acceptance" of crappy familial and "frenemy" relationships.  

And of course there was the boyfriend whom she allowed to move into her home after which she felt like a prisoner in her own home. 

And other shyt boyfriends as well who she admits chasing.

So I'm wondering what actually, if anything, has she learned? 

With this guy, different face, same story more or less. 

 

[Capricorn3]

5 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

This guys done a lot of supposed bad things on this thread

lol, I was thinking the same thing.  Gawd, I wonder how the dude would feel if he ever found out how his character is being ripped to shreds by total strangers for the past month.  I can't help feeling bad for him in some way - "bad" guy, or not.

[MrMan1983]

9 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

The other night with the punctured tire - friend suddenly called wanting to smoke some weed, play video games or watch porn, and suddenly THAT sounded a whole lot more appealing than keeping his date with Alex. 

This is escalating now, where did the weed, gaming and porn come from aside from projecting about your ex 😂 Yeh would give the tyre thing 60/40 chance of being tall stories but its a slippery slope just making it a full on assumption. 

Also they’ve seen each other plenty of times for the stage they’re at with all day Thursday and again today, seems he’s prioritising both her and his friends which at this point should be fine if he communicates it in a better manner. It’s his switching plans that was the disrespectful move. Very early days for people to be ultra committed and the actual dating/mates balance seems fine as long as he’s making good time for her and communicating it clearly when he’s got plans with friends or with her and sticking to them. @Alex39 worth setting some boundaries on that with his organisational skills, tell him if he makes a plan with you then to stick to it. 

Said it before but the main problem was assigning that stupid ‘exclusive’ tag to it so soon like an episode of Love Island. Adds far too much pressure as it’s changed it from what you should expect from the early dating phase to what you should expect from a boyfriend which is unrealistic after a few dates.

Who knows maybe they’ll get each other integrated with the friendship groups when it’s the right time which may solve a lot of it but 🤷🏼‍♂️ Sure we’ll get a new episode later. 

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

The other night with the punctured tire - friend suddenly called wanting to smoke some weed, play video games or watch porn, and suddenly THAT sounded a whole lot more appealing than keeping his date with Alex. 

Huh? 

Where are you getting this from? 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

Huh? 

Where are you getting this from? 

Lol, in my head, I was speculating as everyone is.  With a bit of projecting thrown in as well. 

Basically, a gut feeling based on my own experience.

As I said which I think most people would agree, his story that night about the so-called "punctured tire," his friend, etc was so convoluted, it made no sense.

But I'm gonna back off from further commenting (negatively) about him, this is Alex's call and if it turns out badly for her, so be.

But perhaps it won't, stranger things have happened.

Time will tell.

 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

33 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

Who knows maybe....

Exactly. It's ALL speculation.

I do agree they've seen each other plenty of times for the stage they're in.

But in reading back, with the Friday night cancel, he's canceled 3 or 4 dates out of the 5 dates they've had.

I don't think that is typical in early dating, do you? 

Anyway, nuff said.  

Hope it works out for her, she's seems like a lovely person.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Or perhaps he's a decent guy (not a "player") who simply isn't desirous of being in a 'relationship' - exclusive, committed (like his marriage) or otherwise. 

It's not decent to subject her to that - if he is "confused" -by asking her to be exclusive and planning dates that are then cancelled for non-emergency reasons.  Doesn't mean he's a player.  

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

lol, I was thinking the same thing.  Gawd, I wonder how the dude would feel if he ever found out how his character is being ripped to shreds by total strangers for the past month.  I can't help feeling bad for him in some way - "bad" guy, or not.

I simply think he's acting in a disrespectful way during a time when first impressions count a lot so it's even more strange- I defer to Bolt on the house being in foreclosure -meaning how divorce can wreak havoc on finances, etc -I mean I know that too -just not up close personal experience.  I agree with her take on it.

  

[rainbowsandroses]

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It's not decent to subject her to that - if he is "confused" -by asking her to be exclusive and planning dates that are then cancelled for non-emergency reasons.  Doesn't mean he's a player.  

Fair point.

I was giving him the benefit of doubt that it's possible all his flakiness is due to him simply being a poor planner and not due to any "indecency" on his part.

That's all. 

 

 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Fair point.

I was giving him the benefit of doubt that it's possible all his flakiness is due to him simply being a poor planner and not due to any "indecency" on his part.

That's all. 

 

 

Poor planning in this situation is very disrespectful to Alex -it's beyond poor planning and flakiness which at times may have minor/no impact on the other person's time.  He's not acting in a decent way with his repeated cancellations.  It's fine to be a poor planner and flaky if you own it and make sure you don't subject other people to it to this extent.  

Also how he he afford to attend these guys' nights/"parties" if he's in such dire financial straaits?

[rainbowsandroses]

13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Also how he he afford to attend these guys' nights/"parties" if he's in such dire financial straaits?

I was wondering that as well.  But if they're at someone's home, doing "whatever," it may not cost much.

What surprised me most was Alex stated he paid for their entire date on Thursday.  She estimated approximately $100.00.

Which was very nice of him, however given his financial sitch, supposedly, from what he told her, I was a bit shocked by that.

 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I was wondering that as well.  But if they're at someone's home, doing "whatever," it may not cost much.

What surprised me most was Alex stated he paid for their entire date on Thursday.  She estimated approximately $100.00.

Given his financial sitch, supposedly, from what he told her, I was a bit shocked by that.

 

It sounds like there was alcohol and cigars so it depends if he's contributing or mooching.  Many full days out cost $100 especially if it involves movie tickets.  People treat the $ they do have differently -I am more of a saver and if I am spending a full day out involving entertainment it may cost that much for my son and me for example but I also research ways to decrease the costs and/or bring food/snacks (for example to a movie - here concession stands are ridiculously overpriced so I always bring -and conceal lol -snacks from home.)

[Starlight925]

No one is making up anything about him.

We are basing our feelings on the facts that we know:  He has cancelled several dates, many at the last minute.  Some for valid reasons (a punctured tire), some for not-so-valid reasons (night out with the guys).

These are facts, not assumptions.

 

[Type O Negative]

Alex,

What's up girl??

 

[Jibralta]

15 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Trying to be "The Cool Girlfriend."  That girlfriend who asks for zero consideration for herself, because then she would not be "The Cool Girlfriend," but more like his ex who I guess was a battleaxe.  

Oh no, have comparisons between Alex and the ex been made? I haven't really kept on top of this thread. 

It does seem like he is stumbling over some very basic "good-relationship" building blocks. 

[Starlight925]

Just now, Jibralta said:

Oh no, have comparisons between Alex and the ex been made? 

The ex, according to him, was controlling and wouldn't let him have his guys' nights.

The ex, according to him, was hated by all of his friends.

We are concerned that Alex, in her quest to become "not the ex", is working hard to be the "cool girl", the one who lets it slide when he cancels at the last minute to hang with his guys.  

Even when, as it turns out, the gals showed up as well.  Alex is happy-sappy to receive a "check-in" text on such night, where Alex plays "cool girl" and sends smiley emojis to let him know that it's all good, cancel on me whenever you want, for whatever reason.

[rainbowsandroses]

36 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

Even when, as it turns out, the gals showed up as well.  Alex is happy-sappy to receive a "check-in" text on such night, where Alex plays "cool girl" and sends smiley emojis to let him know that it's all good, cancel on me whenever you want, for whatever reason.

Great flick!  And used to post about it often on another forum. 

I was that "cool girl" too and it had severe consequences for me mentally and emotionally in the end.

 

[MrMan1983]

2 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

No one is making up anything about him.

People literally have been though 😂