Nervous for a date

[Sindy_0311]

2 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

??  I thought this was the "special" party where OP would be meeting the friends and then he "acted aloof" about it?  So she made alternative plans.

yes it was that party, and he finally decided to go alone... she made plans after that so she was busy... 

[Jaunty]

Just now, Sindy_0311 said:

yes it was that party, and he finally decided to go alone... she made plans after that so she was busy... 

I see.

We can go on and on about this at length but there is one thing for sure:  @Alex39 this guy is not prioritizing you or his time with you.  This is maybe the 4th time he's bailed on you because of partying with the bro's (or whatever he's doing).   

Everybody here is on your side, I really believe that.  To be on your side has meant that "we" (as a generality) have put aside many red flags about the guy because you are so happy whenever you get to talk to him or to see him.  

I'm still okay with that but you REALLY do need to be realistic about this one thing:  You are not a PRIORITY.  If it's important to be a PRIORITY (and I think it needs to be very important), this type of situation needs to not be in play.  

Disinviting you or forgetting about plans are the kind of thing that should happen maybe once a year AT MOST in a real solid relationship.  Even that's a lot.  For you and this guy it is the norm.

Please think about this.  

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

In his mind, her idea of a healthy balance is "controlling" and something he grew to resent his wife for, when she likely just wanted what any partner would expect from a decent partner.

This^ is I exactly what I was thinking too....

[Alex39]

47 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Alex, how old is he? Someone mentioned 26-31?  For some reason I thought he was in his 40s but that may be another guy.

And you?  Your username is Alex39?  So thought that might be your age too?

Not that it matters, I don't typically place a lot of emphasis on age, but with him it may (or may not) be a contributing factor to his weirdness.

I'm 31 and he's 29

[boltnrun]

All I'll say is, don't be so frantic to "get a boyfriend" that you'll put up with anything, even evasion and being cancelled on, just to try to "keep" him.

I think you know being in the wrong relationship is WORSE than being single.

[Jaunty]

How do you feel about this unreliability and also his "disinviting" you?   I would be very nonplussed about it if I were in your shoes.

Please stop trying to "be cool" with everything and anything.  That is not your job here.  Your job is to do what you can to be in the relationship you want to be in.

If the guy doing stuff like this is really truly fine with you ... well, okay (I don't believe it though).   

If it's not, you NEED to speak up and advocate for yourself.   This can be tough, because if you decide it's not acceptable and you tell him that, it could derail the relationship.  That is actually an OK outcome,  if being forgotten and sometimes disinvited is not acceptable.  The acceptable outcome will be that he won't do it anymore.   Or, you move on and hold out for a MAN  who won't behave like a boy.

Your choice.  

 

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I'm 31 and he's 29

Are you two still seeing each other Sun? Since you are just going to chill anyway, maybe you could find out more about the flaky behavior?

[Jaunty]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you two still seeing each other Sun? Since you are just going to chill anyway, maybe you could find out more about the flaky behavior?

Unfortunately, as things stand, our OP can never know if any plan or date is actually "on" until the actual moment it's supposed to happen.  Bro party?  Flat tire?  Forgot?  All likely at any time.  

[Alex39]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you two still seeing each other Sun? Since you are just going to chill anyway, maybe you could find out more about the flaky behavior?

Yes still Sunday! 

[Jaunty]

2 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Yes still Sunday! 

Alex, can you please answer two questions?

1)  How you you FEEL, really, about him uninviting you to this thing you were excited about? Along with the other incidents that are basically the same thing?

2) What is his job?

[rainbowsandroses]

Alex, I still can't past that he allowed his home to go into foreclosure.  That just seems so irresponsible to me and is something you discovered even before your first meet, I think? 

Perhaps I'm naive or simply ignorant but to my knowledge, the bank sends notices and the homeowner has many months to sell the home or otherwise resolve by paying the back unpaid mortgage.

But to do NOTHING?  And just let the bank take it?  

What does this say about a person?  

Anyway, this one thing that you discovered very very early has sort of paved the way for further irresponsibility and immaturity.

Regardless of what happens with him, please learn to choose more wisely and avoid disappointment, hurt and frankly BS later. 

[rainbowsandroses]

11 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Yes still Sunday! 

How can you be certain of this?  I mean with his track record of forgetting and last minute cancelling? 

How can you trust it?  

Serious question, I'm not being rhetorical.

Your naiveté (blind faith) here is troubling, I'm really concerned for you at this point. 

[Sindy_0311]

6 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Alex, I still can't past that he allowed his home to go into foreclosure.  That just seems so irresponsible to me and is something you discovered even before your first meet, I think? 

Perhaps I'm naive or simply ignorant but to my knowledge, the bank sends notices and the homeowner has many months to sell the home or otherwise resolve by paying the back unpaid mortgage.

But to do NOTHING?  And just let the bank take it?  

What does this say about a person?  And what about his wife?  Was she a co-owner?

Anyway, this one thing that you discovered very very early in before you even met has sort of paved the way for further irresponsibility and immaturity.

Regardless of what happens with him, please learn to choose more wisely and avoid disappointment, hurt and frankly BS later. 

Just thinking about it. Is a house that he didn’t pay for or is it the «single guy » apartment that you visited the other day? He lives in a apartment but has a house/home he can’t pay for? I need you to clarify this… 

[rainbowsandroses]

On 6/24/2023 at 6:17 AM, Alex39 said:

So I had another date last night. I thought it went really well. We had a lot in common. More than I thought. We talked for hours. He didn't try to grab me and kiss me. Thank goodness. It was a good date. 

On the way out to the parking lot, he asked me if I was free next Friday night to go out again. I said yes. 

The only red flags I'm a bit nervous about. 

He told me he is divorced. No children. I asked him about what happened. He said that she apparently had a wandering eye for other men and cheated. They tried therapy, but it was too far gone. 

I always look peope up online. Make sure they don't have a criminal record. In case he lied about having kids. You have to protect yourself. 

So I looked up more information online about his marriage. 

It looks like he met her and they married quickly. I don't see him on her Facebook until 2018, then they married in 2019. She seemed interesting. I consider myself a classy lady. I'm 31. Professional job. I dress well, but classy. His ex-wife to me looked a bit ***ty. Every picture is her in skin tight clothes, short tight dresses, crop top belly shirts, tight pants, and sexy boots. I can see why she was attracting other men. Just did not seem appropriate for someone our age. 

So they married in 2019, then it looks like by 2021 marriage was on the rocks. In 2022, she has pictures of her and a new boyfriend, before their divorce was even finalized. 

He said they were separated for a long time, so he's been pretty checked out of the relationship. Looks like 2022 they were separated. They filed for divorce in late 2022. Then by January of 2023 they were officially divorced. 

What scared me was that I see on there, that they had a house. He ended up keeping the house alone. Not being able to pay for it, and now the home is in foreclosure. He stopped paying the house bill. 

I have a lot of student debt, but I would never lose my home over not paying my mortgage. A bit of a red flag. 

@Sindy_0311see bolded.

To add, reading the paragraph above bolded, he had checked out of his marriage in 2021 and Alex said he's been dating since then, so it doesn't appear he's on the rebound.

He's just immature and irresponsible, certainly not boyfriend material and apparently not husband material either.

[Sindy_0311]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@Sindy_0311see bolded. 

Ok thanks but what does it exactly means when the house is being on foreclosure. It means you can’t live in it anymore? I don’t know how this all works in the US… 

[rainbowsandroses]

Alex, what's interesting is that you checked his background to 'protect yourself' but not doing anything now to protect yourself even after all the nonsense he's tossed at you. 

Why is that? 

[Jaunty]

28 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Ok thanks but what does it exactly means when the house is being on foreclosure. It means you can’t live in it anymore? I don’t know how this all works in the US… 

Foreclosure happens when you had a mortgage on the home - a loan was provided, generally for by far the majority of the home's cost - and you fell behind on payments.  So the bank, or other lending entity, repossesses the home.   You will only get money from the sale if the lender gets all their money back first.  In that case you will get the excess.  That's uncommon.

You will be forced to leave the home, generally even before it's sold.  

Evidently since the guy's home is "in foreclosure," it still hasn't been sold and the mortgage has not been paid. 

It's very bad for your credit.

Unlike some others, I'm not completely horrified that he ended up with his home in foreclosure.   Many young, first time homeowners find out the hard, hard way that they overspent on their home.   

\

[boltnrun]

There were a LOT of Covid related foreclosures.  I used to drive to work and see all of the low priced motels with completely full parking lots.  These were all the people who either went into foreclosure or lost their jobs and couldn't pay their rent.

Yes, his credit is pretty much ruined.  He won't be able to qualify for a mortgage which means, Alex, if you two live together he will have to move into your home. Or you will have to buy a new home with only you on the mortgage.

But that's far in the future (hopefully).

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Yes still Sunday! 

Enjoy your girls trip and see what happens when you get together Sunday. Have you been communicating today?  

[Alex39]

47 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Enjoy your girls trip and see what happens when you get together Sunday. Have you been communicating today?  

Yes, he messaged me this morning, as he always does. I sent a selfie. He sent me heart eyes. Then he sent a photo. We briefly chatted, but he hasn't been very communicative today. I sent a funny selfie and all he said was Omg. 

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, Jaunty said:

How do you FEEL, really, about him uninviting you to this thing you were excited about? Along with the other incidents that are basically the same thing?

I'd like to know this as well. 

Reason being, we're all giving our $.02 when in fact YOU may be perfectly OK with it!

Which is fine, no judgment.  You're the one dating him after all, not I nor anyone else.  

So are you?  

If you are, then only speaking for myself, I'll back off and leave you to carry on and hopefully continue enjoying.

If not, then let us help you navigate this to avoid your getting hurt later. 

Be happy Alex. 

[Jaunty]

@Alex39 would you please answer the two questions I asked above?  

As I said, everybody here cares what happens to you and I think every person is being kind, too.  It's actually rude for you to just ignore posts.

If you don't want to answer, then explain why please.   

FYI I'm not going to judge his character by what kind of job he has.  I am concerned, though, that he took a half day off work to see you (but spent it on his flat tire) and then had an entire weekday off to spend with you also.   

You did say he is well employed - I assume that to mean good earning and future potential.    

And, your true feelings about how he prioritizes your time together and your own personal time (since you aren't going to be doing anything while you're waiting on him to show up and he "forgets" or un-invites you) are IMPORTANT and not to be swept under the rug.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

Alex, per Jaunty's post, it really does seem like you'd rather shut your eyes to certain behaviors versus dealing with them and your feelings about them which includes answering questions from others in order for us to get a better understanding of where your head is at.

No one is judging you for your choices.  I've personally expressed I'm a bit concerned for you because it seems you may be in a bit of denial. 

Or maybe not!  You may be fully aware his behaviors are questionable and simply don't care.  

It's impossible to know since you won't answer and discuss.

You've stated you have a history of making poor choices and getting hurt. 

The goal here is to avoid that if at all possible.

[Alex39]

12 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I'd like to know this as well. 

Reason being, we're all giving our $.02 when in fact YOU may be perfectly OK with it!

Which is fine, no judgment.  You're the one dating him after all, not I nor anyone else.  

So are you?  

If you are, then only speaking for myself, I'll back off and leave you to carry on and hopefully continue enjoying.

If not, then let us help you navigate this to avoid your getting hurt later. 

Be happy Alex. 

I think it's odd. But it's not a huge concern to me right now.  I was talking to my friends today. With his past and this being new, they felt that he simply isn't ready for friend introductions yet and they felt that there is plenty of time for him to bring me and introduce me in the coming month. I agree. If this continues though, then it becomes a pattern and I may feel differently. 

[Alex39]

4 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Alex, can you please answer two questions?

1)  How you you FEEL, really, about him uninviting you to this thing you were excited about? Along with the other incidents that are basically the same thing?

2) What is his job?

I do feel it is odd. Then hearing he went to a party and there were guys and girls there. It did bother me a bit. He didn't really sound like he knew what he was getting into. He said his guy friend had him come over and he drove them to this party, but he told me he was unaware it was going to be that way and said he would have loved to bring me. 

He has a good job with the state, department of transportation type work. He gets good benefits and time off. That's why he was able to take those days off.