Nervous for a date

[rainbowsandroses]

9 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I think it's odd. But it's not a huge concern to me right now.  I was talking to my friends today. With his past and this being new, they felt that he simply isn't ready for friend introductions yet and they felt that there is plenty of time for him to bring me and introduce me in the coming month. I agree. If this continues though, then it becomes a pattern and I may feel differently. 

I wasn't referring to him feeling uncomfortable about introducing you to his friends.

I was referring to him uninviting you to a get together, forgetting plans, cancelling plans last minute, stories that don't make sense when he does cancel (i.e the punctured tire).  Nothing about that situation made any sense at all. 

How do you feel about those things?

What do your friends think about it?

 

 

[Type O Negative]

At around 2 months together, husband, per long-term summer tradition, took 5 weeks' leave from his job to go back to Italy where he's from. I joined him at the end of it. What/who/how many times /when /who watched etc etc he did whilst there I had no idea. We were very much an established couple by then yet I chose not to ask what it was he was getting up to. What I didn't know couldn’t hurt me eh? Still haven't asked, 20 years later. 🙂 He texted every day and phoned every other day (this was pre smart phones so  international texts and calls were dead expensive).

Alex,

See what happens on Sunday and go from there. That's all you can do. Wishing you all the luck..

[LootieTootie]

10 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Last night was that night I was supposed to meet some friends of his. But then he acted aloof about that.

Yea, he's rude. He's going to be aloof after inviting you and then called you later and be "Oopsy-doopsy." 

Don't be surprise if he does this again with the family camping trip. Act aloof after inviting you, and then uninvite you. Like others have said his track record has been 50-50 so him following thru is a 50% chance. Which is abysmal. If we're grading this guy, he gets an F.

This is why I always advise people to date around when you start putting yourself out there. Once you put all your eggs in one basket after just 2 weeks of knowing each other, you stopped yourself from actually finding a good match. So that just adds on more time to your path of finding the right one.

Alex, I think you need to start being honest with yourself. You are not ok with his flakiness and his forgetfulness. Believe me, we all know how you are- we have seen your other posts on here. So stopped trying to act cool or be nice - that doesn't get you a man who will prioritize you. Tell him off and put up some boundaries like you did with your mom. 

 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

I'm not great with percentages but wouldn't his track record be 30/70?  Canceling 3 out of 5?

Probably doesn't matter, let's see what he does tomorrow.

Wouldn't surprise me if he texts/calls early morning claiming he's sick (i.e. hungover).  He did that once already if memory serves me correct.

In any event, hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

And @Alex39since you haven't responded to my last post, I am going to assume you are OK with all of it and will back off from further opining.

Wish you well. 

 

[LootieTootie]

17 minutes ago, Type O Negative said:

At around 2 months together, husband, per long-term summer tradition, took 5 weeks' leave from his job to go back to Italy where he's from. I joined him at the end of it. What/who/how many times /when /who watched etc etc he did whilst there I had no idea. We were very much an established couple by then yet I chose not to ask what it was he was getting up to. What I didn't know couldn’t hurt me eh? Still haven't asked, 20 years later. 🙂 He texted every day and phoned every other day (this was pre smart phones so  international texts and calls were dead expensive).

did you husband have a track record of being flaky or uninviting you?

I'm just curious because I just want to understand what you wrote has anything to do with Alex's guy who is a poor planner.

[Type O Negative]

He wasn't flaky. He did invite me everywhere. He was/is however, a drop dead gorgeous Italian Casanova. Enough said. Everyone picks their battles in a new relationship. No-one is perfect, ever. No new relationship, no new couple is perfect, there will always be issues. Everyone chooses for themselves what's okay and what's not. Decides to discuss or not to discuss certain actions. That was my point. 

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, Type O Negative said:

Decides to discuss or not to discuss certain actions. 

Agree however when a poster (in this case Alex) posts about their bf/gf flaking and/or being uninvited to an event in an aloof way, it's natural for others to opine and ask questions.

To not answer those questions or not want to discuss IS a bit well, unfair?

We are all here wanting to help.  We can't do that if Alex doesn't want to discuss something she herself posted.

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

 there is plenty of time for him to bring me and introduce me 

That's true. You don't need to meet each other's people as part of the BF checklist.  In fact you're just still dating and hardly really know much about each other yet.

It's better to keep doing what you are doing and spending time together.  That's the best way to get a sense of all this and what you like and what needs adjustment, either in your actions or feelings.

[rainbowsandroses]

I think in situations like this, being in denial about certain things we otherwise would find hurtful if we faced them head on is pretty common.

I know I've done it.  I refer to it now as living in Never-Never Land.

We create "stories" in our minds to justify the questionable, disrespectful or flat out piss poor behavior making it all OK.

This may be happening here (or not) but if it is, then for now she IS okay with it. 

To not be okay with it would mean facing the reality he's not her "one magic person" after all which is too painful to face so she creates stories in her mind to make all the bs OK and burys it.

It's classic denial. 

JMO.

[LootieTootie]

24 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Agree however when a poster (in this case Alex) posts about their bf/gf flaking and/or being uninvited to an event in an aloof way, it's natural for others to opine and ask questions.

To not answer those questions or not want to discuss IS a bit well, unfair?

We are all here wanting to help.  We can't do that if Alex doesn't want to discuss something she herself posted.

 

The reason why she doesn't want to discuss, is because she doesn't want to be honest with herself. 

I noticed that this tends to be a pattern with her and the lady from London (hbfhh). They don't seem to want to answer any questions that might require some critical thinking that will ultimately paint them or their bf in a bad light. 

However, if you are troubled that much to even write about "bothering you a little bit" and others are invested in helping you, you kind of owe it to them to actually answer their questions and not just nit-pick which ones make you happy.

[NighttimeNightmare]

He cancelled again? 
 

now I’m beginning to wonder if you’re option B to whoever else he may be talking to and convinced to go with him 

 

Not trying to introduce false narratives into your head because who knows what the reality is, but it makes me wonder. 

[Type O Negative]

Alex,

Tell us how you really feel? About all of this? His conduct so far, including confusing talk, many cancellations, blown up tires, last minute boys nights etc? Am not going to lecture you on what to think, feel or do. Just curious..

[LootieTootie]

12 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I think in situations like this, being in denial about certain things we otherwise would find hurtful if we faced them head on is pretty common.

I know I've done it.  I refer to it now as living in Never-Never Land.

We create "stories" in our minds to justify the questionable, disrespectful or flat out piss poor behavior making it all OK.

This may be happening here (or not) but if it is, then for now she IS okay with it. 

To not be okay with it would mean facing the reality he's not her "one magic person" after all which is too painful to face so she creates stories in her mind to make all the bs OK and burys it.

It's classic denial. 

JMO.

And this type of denial is terrible for your mental health. 

He can be just this immature guy just wanting to put bros before his GF, but you know this doesn't make you happy. Don't think "Oh maybe he will change because I am so cool. I am so nice. He knows he can't get anyone better." Girl... Maya Angelou said When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 minute ago, LootieTootie said:

And this type of denial is terrible for your mental health. 

He can be just this immature guy just wanting to put bros before his GF, but you know this doesn't make you happy. Don't think "Oh maybe he will change because I am so cool. I am so nice. He knows he can't get anyone better." Girl... Maya Angelou said When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

Wholeheartedly agree. 

For me, I lived in denial for many YEARS, even got engaged.  And when I finally left, my head was screwed up for a VERY long time.

BUT with a lot of hard work and perseverance, I made it through, stronger and smarter. 

Some people never learn though and they keep making the same poor choices and repeating unhealthy patterns.

I'd hate to see that happen here. 

[MrMan1983]

29 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

He cancelled again? 
 

now I’m beginning to wonder if you’re option B to whoever else he may be talking to and convinced to go with him 

 

Not trying to introduce false narratives into your head because who knows what the reality is, but it makes me wonder. 

Don’t think so? They apparently had an amazing date Thurs, then another planned for tomorrow, the ‘un-invite’ to meeting his mates happened prior to these (but correct me if I’m wrong) but everyone’s whipping themselves up into a bit of a frenzy because she doesn’t seem ‘that’ bothered about it or apparently in denial. If she’s not that bothered though then fair one. 

I reckon their biggest mistake was calling it exclusive this quick before really knowing each other, aside from that what we know so far is he’s been flakey, 29 years old, had great dates/click when they do meet up, hard to judge too much further as in reality they’ve dated for a matter of 4/5 weeks when you take away that exclusive badge.

If he flakes again tomorrow though ☠️ 

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

I reckon their biggest mistake was calling it exclusive this quick before really knowing each other, 

If he flakes again tomorrow though ☠️ 

Agree. She pushed the exclusive conversation to fit the "I have a BF now" dialogue and lable.  Pushing to meet friends is for the same reason.

Also agree that getting to know each other especially since it's only been a handful of dates is definitely in order and if he cancels yet again he should get the ax.

But she's forgiven it every time because the "I have a BF now" dialogue is very important in her circles.

[rainbowsandroses]

27 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

They apparently had an amazing date Thurs, then another planned for tomorrow, the ‘un-invite’ to meeting his mates happened prior to these (but correct me if I’m wrong)....

The "uninvited" cancelled date was just last night @MrMan1983.

[Type O Negative]

I was, to put it mildly, very unhappily single prior to meeting my husband. I was dying to love, be loved, share life. Single existence held no meaning to me. My problem was that I had a very VERY specific type of man/person who'd fit the bill. Maybe she's the same. Maybe he's got something that is THE thing she needs in a bloke.  Maybe that's why she's thinking, oh whatever, let's see. Then again, maybe not. Who the **** knows.   I can relate to being desperate, somewhat in denial to start with etc. I get her - to an extent.

[rainbowsandroses]

10 minutes ago, Type O Negative said:

Maybe he's got something that is THE thing she needs in a bloke.

Right, for whatever reason he's her 'one magic person.'  

This is a very unhealthy mindset though.

It can blind you to qualities that can be quite detrimental to the relationship and to the person with that mindset. 

You were very lucky @Type O that you had/have a good guy who truly loved/loves you.

It doesn't always turn out that way unfortunately.

 

[Type O Negative]

It does sometimes though. It does. 

[MrMan1983]

4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

The "uninvited" cancelled date was just last night @MrMan1983.

I meant the ‘un-invite’ itself happened last week prior to their last date (I thought) so wasn’t new news but know there was the slightly weird over explainy phone call since. Let’s hope tomorrow happens, if he trips and breaks a nail though his 9 lives should be up. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I think it's odd. But it's not a huge concern to me right now.  I was talking to my friends today. With his past and this being new, they felt that he simply isn't ready for friend introductions yet and they felt that there is plenty of time for him to bring me and introduce me in the coming month. I agree. If this continues though, then it becomes a pattern and I may feel differently. 

It's fine not to be ready. Not fine then to invite then uninvite -that's not how reasonably mature adults deal with "not being ready"

 

[rainbowsandroses]

21 minutes ago, Type O Negative said:

It does sometimes though. It does. 

I know it does as in your case. 

However, did your hubs cancel dates, forget dates, uninvite you places and create outrageous stories when cancelling?  Etc?

All within the first month?

No he didn't.

I'm wondering, given he was your "person" how would you have reacted if he did?

Me?  Like I said, I found my 'one magic person' too, his behavior at times was atrocious!

I was warned but it didn't matter.  I chose denial and after it was over (I left) I was screwed up because of it for a very long time.

He claimed to love me tons, literally begged me to marry him!

His behavior was still atrocious!  

 

[itsallgrand]

It's just my opinion, I think in any relationship respect is the thing that separates great ones from poor/mediocre ones. Without respect, it's always an uphill battle.

Is respect important to you, Alex? Do you feel like this is how a man treats someone he respects?

He's flailing at the simplest stuff that starts to build that foundation with someone in a real way. He breaks his word. He's unreliable. He's inconsistent. 

 

[Jaunty]

26 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

I meant the ‘un-invite’ itself happened last week prior to their last date (I thought) so wasn’t new news 

The un-invite did not happen prior to their last date, which was Thursday.  It happened last night:  The same night as they had planned for the "meet the friends at the party" situation. 

He "acted aloof" about it, I presume when she was asking about logistics, so she made alternative plans with friends.  Trying to be "The Cool Girlfriend."  That girlfriend who asks for zero consideration for herself, because then she would not be "The Cool Girlfriend," but more like his ex who I guess was a battleaxe.  

Then he went to the supposed "guys with cigars and liquor" 🙄 party, only to find out that there were girls, girlfriends and wives there.  He then shared this with the OP - late last night.