Nervous for a date

[Alex39]

So to be more honest with details. We were intimate on Saturday. We were getting really touchy on my couch, so I suggested we move it to the bedroom. 

We started getting intimate and it was great. We did it for a while, and then he collapsed on the bed- without finishing. 

This is when he broke down and told me he was having stomach pain. So he didn't want to continue. I told him that we didn't have to do it. He said he wanted to and I was so excited and happy that he didn't want to let me down. 

Later that evening we got touchy again and we did some intense reciprocal hand stuff. But he said he couldn't do more with his stomach. 

He said he felt terrible and wanted to give me a better time on Sunday. Then he bailed. 

Tonight, he complained again of stomach pains. He made an appointment with his doctor coming up. 

A similar action occurred, we were intimate. I thought it was great. We were really in the throes of it and he was intent on making me finish. I finally did and again, he didn't. He said he was about to,  but his stomach was turning so he stopped. I've never been with a man who doesn't finish. When we get really into foreplay, he is loving it and his body reacts.

He's been saying all these sexy things we can try together in the future. So he's into it. He says when he gets into the motion of having sexx it moves all his stomach and bowel around and it's uncomfortable. He told me when he got home he headed straight for the bathroom.  

[rainbowsandroses]

4 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Where is everyone. You all need to get in here and read this update

I read it.  Not surprised.  I sort of called it from the beginning, but anyway...

No sense responding. 

The OP is obviously okay with it, she buys his "tummy issue" story, nothing anyone else says is gonna change that. 

 

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

 He told me when he got home he headed straight for the bathroom.  

Sorry this happened. The first few times can be awkward. Is he a smoker?  It's unclear what's going on with his health, but you seemed to enjoy the intimacy. 

[Capricorn3]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

  It's unclear what's going on with his health, but you seemed to enjoy the intimacy. 

I have the feeling the "health/stomach issues" is a cover-up for "not being able to finish".

[NighttimeNightmare]

Ya this guy is not into her at all. And I suspect it’s got something to do with why he won’t have a proper date with her outside of the house 

 

41 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

We were really in the throes of it and he was intent on making me finish. I finally did and again, he didn't. He said he was about to,  but his stomach was turning so he stopped.

his stomach is turning for reasons other than a bug…

 

42 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

He told me when he got home he headed straight for the bathroom.  

I’m sure he did 

 

you need to end this. You really gonna let him humiliate you like this?

[dias]

Let the OP enjoy the sex at least as long as this thing lasts.

[rainbowsandroses]

4 minutes ago, dias said:

Let the OP enjoy the sex at least as long as this thing lasts.

You're right.

Just don't want to see her get hurt even though it's probably inevitable she will. 

 

[itsallgrand]

8 minutes ago, dias said:

Let the OP enjoy the sex at least as long as this thing lasts.

I was sincerely hoping for her that at least the sex is good. That would be easy to understand. I don't get this at all...it is oddly fascinating. 

[dias]

5 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

I was sincerely hoping for her that at least the sex is good. That would be easy to understand. I don't get this at all...it is oddly fascinating. 

From her post I deduce she was satisfied with this part. Probably deep down she knows this is going to end at some point but in the meantime like everybody else she has needs. It's better to live this whole thing with good sex than no sex at all. Saving sex for the "right" guy might lead to a completely sexless life, at least now something is good. 

[MissCanuck]

58 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

I have the feeling the "health/stomach issues" is a cover-up for "not being able to finish".

That was my first thought, too. 

 

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

 

He's been saying all these sexy things we can try together in the future. So he's into it. He says when he gets into the motion of having sexx it moves all his stomach and bowel around and it's uncomfortable. He told me when he got home he headed straight for the bathroom.  

Well, that certainly sounds sexy.  

Is there anything to be done about his chronic diarrhea or is this just a way of life for him? 

I hope the camping trip is really just a fun fantasy, because camping is no fun at all when your bowels are exploding all the time. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, dias said:

From her post I deduce she was satisfied with this part. Probably deep down she knows this is going to end at some point but in the meantime like everybody else she has needs. It's better to live this whole thing with good sex than no sex at all. Saving sex for the "right" guy might lead to a completely sexless life, at least now something is good. 

Fair enough but it's gotta be a bit deflating when he's unable to finish and then leaves immediate afterwards. 

It certainly would be for me and many women I know.

It's happened twice in a row now - Saturday after originally planning to spend the entire night, and again tonight.

Not quite buying the stomach excuse.  Once okay, but twice in a row and only during and after sex? 

Even during hand stimulation which he couldn't finish either.  It's too coincidental and too easy.

There's something else going on imo.  Fear of commitment, fear of intimacy.  His behavior is classic case. 

Not just the no-finish sex, then leaving, but all of it.  The constant flaking, not wanting to spend time with her in public, bailing on spending the night.

It's all there..

JMO, I could be wrong.

 

[NighttimeNightmare]

31 minutes ago, dias said:

It's better to live this whole thing with good sex than no sex at all.

What? He’s repulsed by her…

[dias]

3 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

What? He’s repulsed by her…

How so? because he didn't finish? The whole time before this he wasn't repulsed by her? 

[Sindy_0311]

6 hours ago, Alex39 said:

We spent tonight together for his birthday. He made the plan with me and stuck to it. It was all really really good. I still want to be with him. So no judgement please. We are getting together again on Thursday. He's set on that plan.

Did you went out for his birthday? 

I read your last posts. And I'm not judging of course. But I think you are in FWB relationship, maybe even committed... but who knows. 

I'm going to share ma take on this based on my experience. I had a relationship last year. It lasted 3 month with a guy, he younger than me (25). From the start it has been casual. meaning, each time we would see each other it was at my place. he would come, we would have a drink, talk a lot, have sex and sometimes he would sleep with me and leave in the morning. We texted daily. He sent me photos of what he was doing, work etc... but never sent a photo of his friends, or his family or important people in his life because he didn't want to share these intimate things with me. So your guy sends you photos, but doesn't he sends photos of important people in his life? (friends/mother/family)

My guy would tell me sometimes, I'll invite you to my place so you can meet my roommates and we get coffee together > never happened. 

For his birthday, he came to my place, just to hangout with me... it was great but no plans to go outside because he was broke. 

Sometimes he would pretext to have to help a friend and come later... BUT he never flaked on me... 

See your guy isn't including you in his life. just because he sends you great photos and texts/calls doesn't mean he is including you. including would be wanting to share meaningful moments with you, share a hobby, go on a weekend together, meet his friends, family, invite you to his place, which for me is a huge thing etc... he didn't do it yet. 

Now for the exclusivity talk, its no relevant. My casual guy was seeing only me, he told me, but didn't mean he wanted a serious relationship with me. He was just spending his time with me until a better option came along without any willingness to build something serious with me. (also have to mention that due to our age gap, its wasn't even a possibility) there are many aspect in your story that remind me of my guy at the time. 

According to his stomach issues, I have a friend who also has, whenever we are out with friends he would just go home to go discharge in his own comfy bathroom and then sometimes come back, sometimes not...

A recap: his passiveness in seduction, flakiness, the excuses he always finds, the fact that you always hang out to your place, him leaving after sex, not taking you out, not introducing you to his friends (he said a while ago he would, nothing happened yet) etc... etc... this is FWB situation IMO. 

 

 

 

[Sindy_0311]

I suggest you read some of John Grays books about relationships (MARS&VENUS) you will learn about what are the steps, the 5 stages of dating that create a soulmate:

ATTRACTION / UNCERTAINTY / EXCLUSIVITY / INTIMACY / ENGAGEMENT

According to this book, if the person you are dating is regressing in any of these stages, you go back to the previous one. Meaning if you are in EXCLUSIVITY stage and still find somethings you don't like about this person, you go back to UNCERTAINTY stage, free to meet other people and make up your mind about the guy you are dating...

>> I highly recommend you start dating other guys from now on... 

[Alex39]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Did you went out for his birthday? 

I read your last posts. And I'm not judging of course. But I think you are in FWB relationship, maybe even committed... but who knows. 

I'm going to share ma take on this based on my experience. I had a relationship last year. It lasted 3 month with a guy, he younger than me (25). From the start it has been casual. meaning, each time we would see each other it was at my place. he would come, we would have a drink, talk a lot, have sex and sometimes he would sleep with me and leave in the morning. We texted daily. He sent me photos of what he was doing, work etc... but never sent a photo of his friends, or his family or important people in his life because he didn't want to share these intimate things with me. So your guy sends you photos, but doesn't he sends photos of important people in his life? (friends/mother/family)

My guy would tell me sometimes, I'll invite you to my place so you can meet my roommates and we get coffee together > never happened. 

For his birthday, he came to my place, just to hangout with me... it was great but no plans to go outside because he was broke. 

Sometimes he would pretext to have to help a friend and come later... BUT he never flaked on me... 

See your guy isn't including you in his life. just because he sends you great photos and texts/calls doesn't mean he is including you. including would be wanting to share meaningful moments with you, share a hobby, go on a weekend together, meet his friends, family, invite you to his place, which for me is a huge thing etc... he didn't do it yet. 

Now for the exclusivity talk, its no relevant. My casual guy was seeing only me, he told me, but didn't mean he wanted a serious relationship with me. He was just spending his time with me until a better option came along without any willingness to build something serious with me. (also have to mention that due to our age gap, its wasn't even a possibility) there are many aspect in your story that remind me of my guy at the time. 

According to his stomach issues, I have a friend who also has, whenever we are out with friends he would just go home to go discharge in his own comfy bathroom and then sometimes come back, sometimes not...

A recap: his passiveness in seduction, flakiness, the excuses he always finds, the fact that you always hang out to your place, him leaving after sex, not taking you out, not introducing you to his friends (he said a while ago he would, nothing happened yet) etc... etc... this is FWB situation IMO. 

 

 

 

I want to clarify. He does not leave right after. He'll spend hours with me after talking or hanging out. We went out for dinner for his birthday. He does send me pictures. Him and his friends, his family members, his life. 

[Batya33]

I don’t think it’s FWB because he’s not a good friend and his on and off stuff isn’t very friendly. 
Reserving judgment - you asked how to do this. You don’t know how to do this. Well. I wouldn’t know how to do this either.

Because “this” is a walking on eggshells - heck on a precipice - situation- so I am not judging you for continuing to interact with this person but I’m saying the “how” to do this is outside my wheelhouse and not just because “each relationship is different “ because I wouldn’t know how to be open and interesting and fun with my stomach in knots not knowing when the shoe was going to drop. 

it’s also not because it’s casual hangout masquerading as commitment.  Because then the how is “enjoy it for what it is and accept the downsides”.  Casual hangouts can be fun. It’s ok to call it a commitment if you’re not really looking around anyway. I mean not too healthy but good sex for some and fun make it worth it. 
But how do you hangout with someone who’s a moving target as far as making and keeping plans?  Where you want to be fun and share but - will the party be over as soon as you’re intimate and his stomach issues kick in ? Who would know how to interact in a fun and interesting way ? Who would be able to chill and feel comfortable chatting or having a comfortable silence ? It’s not like you can work on relationship skills or even communication skills when the core is made of fairy dust or just … dust. 
again answering your question. Not judging you for continuing to see him. 

[Sindy_0311]

43 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I want to clarify. He does not leave right after. He'll spend hours with me after talking or hanging out. We went out for dinner for his birthday. He does send me pictures. Him and his friends, his family members, his life. 

Thank you for clarifying... I'm just trying to understand his intentions. isn't there something that makes you think of this relationship more like a FWB/casual one? if not how do you explain that he flakes on you so often? 

I didn't say he leaves right after sex, and they usually don't leave right after, unless they are total jerks... 

Good he sends you photos from his friends and family, this is actually a good sign when starting to date someone. 

Did you invite him for dinner? 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

 Sorry that sounds crass and cruel 

Yes it does and it's not adding anything to the discussion. 

[kim42]

 I don't like this guy, I can't help it. I know it can be a little awkward to have sex with someone new for the first time but I don't think I'd have patience for this.

I hope Alex won't get hurt by this guy.

[boltnrun]

I asked this before but you didn't answer. You are extraordinarily excellent at dodging certain questions.

Is this relationship at least most of what you'd always hoped your forever relationship would be? He made you cry. Is that part of what you imagined your lifelong or even long term partner would be? Do you talk openly about this relationship with your mom and your friends or do you find yourself concealing certain things from them?

[Jaunty]

2 hours ago, kim42 said:

 

I hope Alex won't get hurt by this guy.

Alex has already been hurt by him, she was crying a few days back.

@Alex39 - can you please answer this question:

Are you sure you're comfortable with his consistent flakiness where you are concerned?  Bailing on you approximately 50% of the time you have plans, is what I'm talking about, along with being vague and, again, flaky, when it comes to making any type of plans.

 You're aware that it's unlikely to change, correct?  This is what you've signed up for.  

That's okay with me, but it's definitely a very dramatic departure from what you have said you were seeking in a relationship.     

[Jaunty]

8 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

What? He’s repulsed by her…

Because a man has sexual dysfunction doesn't necessarily reflect on the person he's with.   

 

[Jaunty]

12 hours ago, Alex39 said:

 

I feel like he's including me in his life, but how much am I including him in mine? I've never been in a solid long term relationship. I feel a bit inexperienced. He was married. I have no idea what that's like. 

Neither of you are including the other in your lives except you entertain him in your home.  You barely go out in public and both seem to be on the same page with your hesitation to include the other one in gatherings with friends or family.   I think it's wise on your part.   Your family will be horrified by his financial woes, I'm sure.   You're pretty susceptible to being hurt by your mother's criticism so it's smart not to subject yourself to it.    I imagine it's hurtful to you, though you try to stay in denial about this, that he's made a point of excluding you from any contact with his friends.

Frankly you are pretty brave to share here.  You get a lot of heat.  I'm glad for your sake you're doing it though.   You really need a lot of reality checks here.  You seem to ignore most of it but it's here, in case you want to take a dose from time to time.