Nervous for a date

[Batya33]

Just now, Starlight925 said:

Why does he feel indebted to his friend?

Why doesn’t he feel indebted to you, with whom he bailed on a concrete plan?

There are no inconsistencies.   This is who he is.  
He is consistent:

Cute emojis, fun couch time, plan for the next, bail, blame something/someone else (pets, tires, frievds), and now that you’ve stood up for yourself:  blame you.

Oh, he’s very consistent  

 

 

 

Also he bailed on sleepover. Did he need to feed and cuddle his stuffed animals ??

[MrMan1983]

51 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I talked to him about it last night on the phone. I told him how this cannot keep happening and I do not like sitting waiting around for someone. It's a huge pet peeve of mine and I do not like it.  I kept trying to get through to him how he essentially bailed on me. He just wasn't seeing it. He kept acting like he had such a hard day and he was upset by how it went as well. He feels indebted to his friend and felt he needed to help him from start to finish. He did say that it would not happen again. But he wasn't sorry and it was clear it wasn't him being mean. He genuinely felt like he did nothing wrong and was just helping his friend. He thought I just went off for the day and did my own thing. He's an airhead. 

He kept saying how hard his day was and how tough his day was. And how he committed to his friend to help, and his friend mislead him that it was a one or two hour job. And he even said to his friend how he was supposed to see his girlfriend and now this was taking the entire day. 

I'm going to keep looking for inconsistencies and keep my eye out. If this does happen again, we're probably going to be done. 

Yeh, I'm done with benefit of the doubt now. He's not even taking responsibility for his actions and can't see it from your point of view, red flag. Not even an apology for messing you about either (assuming it was a set in stone plan with a time which it sounded like).

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Also he bailed on sleepover. Did he need to feed and cuddle his stuffed animals ??

Honestly I was only half joking. From reading Rainbowroses comments I realized he wasn’t all of a sudden pet sitting. When you pet sit you have advance notice. You tell the person you have plans with in advance oh I can’t stay overnight because I did a last minute favor for a friend to pet sit. Which - is ok. Far better than bailing with a lie. Or at least total thoughtlessness.  They’d planned a sleepover. Many things happen that can interfere like a handyman coming the next morning or someone needing a last minute ride to a doctor or airport. So you talk to your partner ! Not at last minute. 

[Starlight925]

Last-minute pet sitting interrupts a date. 
Last-minute helping a friend interrupts a date. 
Last-minute friends outing interrupts a date. 
 

But nothing interrupts anything else in his life to see you.  Nothing. 

[Jaunty]

51 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

. I would have told him to shove it when he suggested you be the grocery boy and pack mule for his tick and mosquito nightmare.

You're killing me with your colorful predictions about the "idiotic camping trip."  Unfortunately I'm sure you're quite accurate.

[Jaunty]

35 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

 Not even an apology for messing you about either (assuming it was a set in stone plan with a time which it sounded like).

 You mentioned earlier that the OP might be  guilty (inadvertently, I would say) of poor storytelling.   That might be a consideration here, though no excuse for the guy's behavior.

In her zeal for boyfriend box being checked off, OP might be choosing to see and describe things as "set in stone" dates which this guy sees more as casual hangouts.  He definitely is behaving as if he's planning to show up if nothing better / more important comes along.  That's how he's behaved so far.  

It makes little difference. They appear to  perceive things very differently.   

[Jaunty]

31 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Honestly I was only half joking. From reading Rainbowroses comments I realized he wasn’t all of a sudden pet sitting. When you pet sit you have advance notice. You tell the person you have plans with in advance oh I can’t stay overnight because I did a last minute favor for a friend to pet sit.

She said "HIS pets." This whole pet sitting thing is a red herring, I don't know where it came from.

@Alex39 - You've left a very important thing unanswered.  Friend or no friend - he decided, at the last minute,  not to follow through with the sleepover.   Because of PETS?  Please address this.   

That was worse than failing to come back to your house to spend Sunday afternoon sitting on the couch with you.  

 

[MrMan1983]

8 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

You mentioned earlier that the OP might be  guilty (inadvertently, I would say) of poor storytelling.

I think that may of been someone else, however agree with the rest.

[Jaunty]

Just now, MrMan1983 said:

I think that may of been someone else, however agree it would change things if it was just a blasé 'I might drop by later on' type plan and not set in stone.

Seems like the guy operates as if everything is a blasé situation.   Even the one real date that they've had was based on him driving around to deal with his tire problem and other personal shopping chores, and then his need to return to his own apartment to use the bathroom (??).   

[rainbowsandroses]

I'm very glad you spoke up Alex and didn't "suffer in silence" like I did with the ex I spoke about earlier from years ago. 

Kudos to you for that! 

Unfortunately I don't think it's going to change anything. He doesn't quite 'get it' or care to 'get it' and probably never will. 

I'm curious why you haven't addressed many of our questions about his pets.  Is there a reason why you have not? 

I mean an intimate sleepover was planned, your first together.  Sexual intimacy was discussed. 

But suddenly late at night (after the sex?) he announced he needed to leave to tend to his pets which I gather he's never mentioned before or that you ever saw evidence of when you briefly visited his apartment.

I'm wondering now and please correct me if Im wrong, is this something HE actually told you or did you simply tell US that to justify why he suddenly left? 

As @NighttimeNightmareposted earlier, your stories about things that occurred tend to be a bit inconsistent at times.

Thanks Alex and hope you're okay. 

[boltnrun]

I think the "inconsistent storytelling" is deliberate. You don't want us to know certain details because we would discourage you from continuing this whatever it is. But even the details you've carefully curated to share with us don't show him in a good light.

He's bailed on you at least five times. He's only shown up for ONE actual date where you actually went out. The rest of the times he kept to the arranged plan he's planted his butt on your couch and one time managed to make it all the way to your backyard 🙄. Otherwise, he's cancelled.

This is not boyfriend behavior. This is not the behavior of a man who can't wait to see you. 

Don't you want more for yourself?

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

I do not like sitting waiting around for someone. It's a huge pet peeve of mine and I do not like it. 

This is a very odd choice of language.   A "pet peeve" is something annoying.   Like mouth breathing or not taking your dishes to the sink after eating. 

This guy BAILS ON YOU.   

He's not functioning with you as if he's really in a relationship.   Of course you "do not like" it.  

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

He genuinely felt like he did nothing wrong and was just helping his friend.

Yes, because in his mind, he did nothing wrong. Because you are not a priority. He could have left the work after an hour or two and come to you. If he really wanted to help a friend, he could have at least apologized to you. Maybe even buy you a flowers or a chocolate. Because he bailed on you. Not the first time btw. And you should not give him benefit of a doubt. One time it maybe is accidental. Several times and its a pattern. Dont let him get away with that kind of behavior. It only tells him that its OK to do it again because you do nothing about it. And I mean "nothing" because talking to him about it wont change his pattern of behavior. He receives no consequences of his action, you just say how "Maybe if it happens next time we are done". That literally means nothing. Especially when he doesnt even knows that or probably even particullary cares about it. Otherwise he wouldnt behave in the way he does.

[Sindy_0311]

13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

This is not boyfriend behavior.

In fact I do see it as boyfriend behavior BUT acceptable after a few month. When you are in a serious relationship, you don’t necessarily make plans in advance, you just check on the other one and agree to spend time like something natural… but this behavior isn’t ok after a few weeks/days of dating when you are supposed to show the best of yourself and seduce the other person. I think he already takes her for granted, hence the reason why he flakes so often.  And I think Alex shouldn’t have said anything to him yesterday. Neither talk to him. She should just have retreated and remained silent. Just given herself a few days to think about all this without hearing about him and his complaints… this is just more noise poisoning her reflection… 

[rainbowsandroses]

20 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Yes, because in his mind, he did nothing wrong. Because you are not a priority. He could have left the work after an hour or two and come to you. If he really wanted to help a friend, he could have at least apologized to you. Maybe even buy you a flowers or a chocolate. Because he bailed on you. Not the first time btw. And you should not give him benefit of a doubt. One time it maybe is accidental. Several times and its a pattern. Dont let him get away with that kind of behavior. It only tells him that its OK to do it again because you do nothing about it. And I mean "nothing" because talking to him about it wont change his pattern of behavior. He receives no consequences of his action, you just say how "Maybe if it happens next time we are done". That literally means nothing. Especially when he doesnt even knows that or probably even particullary cares about it. Otherwise he wouldnt behave in the way he does.

Agree and like I said earlier, this 'person' (I can't even refer to him as a 'man' anymore) has another agenda Alex knows NOTHING about. 

I don't believe for one second he was ever in this to build a healthy loving relationship.  His behavior from the very beginning speaks otherwise.

Alex, again, if this continues, just don't go giving him any money. 

[boltnrun]

23 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

In fact I do see it as boyfriend behavior BUT acceptable after a few month.

If a boyfriend of mine cancelled or bailed out on plans five times in six weeks he wouldn't be my boyfriend anymore. 

[Alex39]

So he's been telling me for weeks that when he comes home his pets have knocked over their food and water bowls. They can eat the food off the floor, but then they have no water. I saw this for myself one day while I was over his place. He said he plans on buying them a spill proof bowls soon. 

He's also told me that he's had stomach issues since we met. He's trying to cut out different foods to try and isolate what it is with his doctor. 

Our original plan that we discussed was that he comes Saturday, we spend the day together. We, together head back to his place at night to check on his pets and give them fresh water, then we sleepover back at my place. 

He came on Saturday around 1pm. We spent the day. Later at night around 7pm, he said how since he has to go back to his apartment anyway for the pet check, why doesn't he just stay and sleep there and then come back Sunday to have another day with me. He stayed until 10pm.

I said sure, and it seemed like no big deal. He planned our day Sunday and it sounded great. 

He told me later when he got home that owed me and felt terrible. His stomach was a mess and he went home with stomach pain and used the bathroom a ton. He said he wanted to see me so bad, so he stayed all day, but he felt horrible. That's why he decided to go home and he wanted to stay there. 

I felt bad and told him he should just be honest with me. He said he didn't want to stay over because he was embarrassed at his bathroom usage and didn't want to do that at my house. 

But then Sunday fell through. 

He changes plans often. Tomorrow is his birthday. One day he tells me we're going out for dinner with his friends. Then the next day we aren't going out. Then we are just going out the two of us. Even last night on the phone, he says how - would it be okay if my friend, his wife, and their child come to dinner?

I say sure, how it's his birthday.

Then at the end of the conversation, he's like- you know what, I think just you and I should go to dinner. 

So then I say- do we still have plans Thursday. And he says yes and makes a plan. Then says how maybe we can meet up with his friends Friday night. 

I was talking to a friend of mine and her husband. He says he's very similar and a go with the flow guy, so he understands this guy's actions and thought process. 

 

[Sindy_0311]

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

If a boyfriend of mine cancelled or bailed out on plans five times in six weeks he wouldn't be my boyfriend anymore. 

I was mentioning the helping the friend on Sunday… not the whole flakey background… of course 

[dias]

17 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I'm officially out of this discussion

🤣😂 😅.....sorry couldn't resist 🙂

[Alex39]

Part of me almost feels a little bad. He threw out how he didn't feel well but he spent Saturday wanting to see me and make me happy. And all he's been doing is trying to treat me well and make me happy. He's like- I know how girls think, you think I don't care, but I care a lot. 

Then it was almost like I was ungrateful and I did feel a bit bad. Mayne I just expect more and more and more and I never appreciate him for the good. 

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

He's also told me that he's had stomach issues since we met. 

Only since you met? In fact he cancelled your first day because of this. But miraculously he doesn't have stomach issues while with his friends and family. Again, he's a victim of a bad GI tract, unruly pets and defective pet bowls. 

He tends to over tell his stories replete with photo documentation.

It seems like he didn't want to sleep over and told his friend he would be there Sunday. The sad part is all these BS stories he makes up.

He can't even get the story straight on dinner. I suppose he'll expect you to treat him, that is if his doctor he supposedly needs to see approves of his food. 

[itsallgrand]

7 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Part of me almost feels a little bad. He threw out how he didn't feel well but he spent Saturday wanting to see me and make me happy. And all he's been doing is trying to treat me well and make me happy. He's like- I know how girls think, you think I don't care, but I care a lot. 

Then it was almost like I was ungrateful and I did feel a bit bad. Mayne I just expect more and more and more and I never appreciate him for the good. 

Wow.

Seems to me you will believe anything he tells you no matter how his actions tell you he's full of it. That's a good way to set yourself up for a lot more nights crying. 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Part of me almost feels a little bad. He threw out how he didn't feel well but he spent Saturday wanting to see me and make me happy. 

Then it was almost like I was ungrateful and I did feel a bit bad. 

Yes. That's the point of his stories. To make you feel like a "controlling" shrew like his ex and actually feel sorry for him and guilty for "demanding" things like decent normal honest behavior.

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

 

I don't believe for one second he was ever in this to build a healthy loving relationship.  His behavior from the very beginning speaks otherwise.

More an enjoyable way of passing time when it suits him.

[spinstermanquee]

13 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

... he didn't feel well but he spent Saturday wanting to see me and make me happy. And all he's been doing is trying to treat me well and make me happy. He's like- I know how girls think, you think I don't care, but I care a lot.

Cheap and easy to make the lips move with words.  Much easier than walking the talk.

My simulation between the quotes:

"Alex - you should date ME, spin, I've been so considerate and thoughtful of you, I even spent 3 hours last night wondering what you'd like for a birthday gift next year and imagining the huge diamond ring I'm going to buy you when we get engaged in a few years.  Even though my big toe hurt so much I might have to go to the emergency room.  Yep I even said to my roommate's sister's boyfriend (several times last night) that I was worried about my girlfriend since she was waiting for me but my big toe hurt too much to take the bus over.  Plus, my doctor said I should be on bed rest... except then my roommate's sister's boyfriend got us last minute tickets to a ballgame.  I know you don't like ballgames and I'm sure you have better things to do, so I'm going to the ballgame to spare you the pain.  He (RSB) was impressed how much I care about you.

Alex, see what a good considerate boyfriend I am and put you first over everyone?"

See I can do it too and you didn't even have to buy the groceries or let me sit on your couch!