What do you get from being in a relationship?

[CLo]

After analysing my past relationships, I've realised that I don't feel (or haven't identified) any needs in a relationship. In all my relationships, I've found myself wondering why I'm in them rather than enjoying life on my own (as I'm happier when single than while in relationships). People often talk about their partner or the relationship completing/fulfilling them, but I've never truly felt that I couldn't live without my partners or the relationships and consequently never felt the fear of loosing them. Looking back, relationships to me seem to have always been a nice-to-have rather than a need-to-have, and unfortunately, I've not payed sufficient attention to the needs of my partners due to this lack of connectedness.

Of course, I don't have to be in a relationship - no one is forcing me. But I do fall in love, and now I've realised my pattern of never truly feeling like I need my partners. So I'm wondering, what do people get from being in relationships. What needs in their lives does being committed to another person fulfill. I'm genuinely curious and hoping that getting insight into the experiences of others might help me understand myself better.

I believe that the fact that I keep falling in love and getting into relationships is a sign that I have needs that seek to be fulfilled from being with another person. But by not knowing/feeling those needs I repeatedly fail to make relationships work.

[Seraphim]

I get love and respect and comfort and happiness and love , shared interest and goals . Etc etc . 

[Kampuniform3]

 You might have an Avoidant or Ambivalent attachment pattern (this isn't a criticism, incidentally, just an observation).

The elements that you've noted that others derive from their relationships is, again, due to their attachment pattern, and in this instance it's described as Secure.

 

 

 

[Kwothe28]

Lots of different people get into relationship from a lot of different reasons. Some want somebody beside themselves to spend their life with, some want marriage and kids etc. To them the other person is comlimentary to their life and they find it easier and better then to walk that life path themselves. In the contrast there are people who are "self sufficient". They are either not really accepting toward partner or just got used to living alone to the point other person just bothers them. For those people, relationship is not a complimentary, its just a hidrance to their life. You seem like no2. Somebody who can be in a relationship. But is not for a relationship from some reason. Its perfectly fine to be happy on your own. But I think it would be good to introspect why you are more happy that way. Is it because you didnt find somebody who would compliment you? Or just because you are not for relationship due to your own self?

Additionally, it would be nice to ask yourself what do you want from a relationship? Is your goal just to have somebody? Or you maybe want to work together on joint goals like marriage or family?

[smackie9]

Just your personality. You are independent and there is no need to need in some aspects, that others would. Nothing wrong with that, nothing to worry about. You haven't met the right person yet that you can be really emotionally tied to....you know emotionally fulfillment. You are not alone, there's plenty that feel the same way as you do. That's why we go through different relationships...to learn what we want, what we like, and what are deal breakers etc. Everyone has failed relationships. That's how we gain experience. It's a good thing as long as you learn something from it. 

[Jibralta]

I think it's fine to be the way that you are. We all have preferences, plain and simple. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Having someone to enjoy life with.

[Cherylyn]

OP,  @CLo,  do what you're comfortable with.  Relationships are a very individual decision. 

I compare myself to my poor widowed mother who had a horrible marriage and to my MIL (mother-in-law) who was happily married for a very long time. 

My fiercely independent mother always vowed that marriage was not for her nor did she desire remarriage.  My MIL recently lost the love of her life and would never even consider remarriage which is simply out of the question for both women.

Before I met my husband,  I just let life take me wherever and however my trajectory unfolded.  I had never dated in high school,  college and no one was interested in me post-college.  Therefore,  I gave up and concentrated on ascending in my career.  The busier I became with focusing on my own life,  the more attention I attracted from men.  Funny how that works.  🤔

Then I met my husband who drastically changed my drab life.  He opened up a whole new world to me with his normal,  loving,  nurturing,  stable family (parents / siblings) and very moral friends.  He really showed me what happiness truly is.  Until I met him,  I was clueless. 

Ever since I was in my early 20s,  I've always wanted to marry,  settle down,  have a family complete with a rose garden in the suburbs.  I've attained it. 

My husband has always been there for me,  helped me with newborn / baby / child rearing,  helped me endlessly with the house,  outside the house and fixes everything (cars / house / mechanical / electrical / construction, etc).  He's very handy and reliable.  He's the complete opposite of my helpless,  wife beater,  heavily in debt,  womanizer,  chain smoking,  alcoholic late father.   I knew what type of man I didn't want.  I wanted a prize of a man. 

My husband always has my back,  my staunchest ally,  greatest confidant,  companion,  amazing father to our sons,  taught them how to be men by example,  extremely helpful and always picks up the slack.  He's very responsible.  I'd feel very lonely without him.  He's my better half.  💗

My mother often told me that I've been incredibly lucky and blessed to have found my husband which was like finding a needle in a haystack.  I concur.  I won the lottery with my husband. 

If I hadn't met him,  I wouldn't have known what I was missing. 

[Batya33]

So individual! I’m really independent and it’s why my husband sometimes doesn’t offer to “help”- he figures I’ll figure it out. We got married and became parents at 42.  
I was single and in long term not married relationships from age 15-39.  I enjoyed my life. Fun and fulfilling and successful.

By age 14 or so I knew my major life goals were marriage family and career.  I planned to do the career that required grad school at age 40 after finishing having kids. Great plan.

Except god had other plans lol. Because I was with Mr Right on Paper from age 20-23 and engaged for 5 days. The plan was set. Except I’d have been settling.
 

Bye bye Mr Right on Paper. Hello grad school at age 25 lol.  hello husband hunting while building successful career for 11 years until I finally reconnected with the person who is now my husband and then did both until a 7 year shift to SAHM  

And that’s my point. It depends on why you’re in the relationship and the specific one. Because by comparison being on your own as far as dating (not alone unless you have no friends or family at all - it’s just your romantic status )

To me very personally I love being married to him  I love the institution of marriage  I loved dating him and trying to conceive a baby was oodles of fun and in fact we did on Father’s Day weekend years ago lol  I couldn’t have done so alone - and didn’t want to do single mom by choice   I love being a family even though we parent differently and it can be frustrating  

it’s extremely meaningful to me to be married with common values and goals and caring and love and the chaos and drama that having a teenager entails lol   As a side benefit at least where I live it’s easier being married than single from a social and even professional perspective   Kind of nonsensical but true  it’s not why I’m married though  

I do know a close friend who is now asexual and doesn’t want to date anymore and is happy on her own. And now a homeowner ! She was in a bad marriage for 20 years had several kids and is now a happy grandmother. She’s in her 60s. Dated for 7 years post divorce. Realized - ok no thanks. The 7 year relationship was “fine” but he wanted marriage and she didn’t. 

I never ever try to convince people to date or marry or have kids. This is all so personal to me. As it should be to you IMO. 

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, CLo said:

I believe that the fact that I keep falling in love and getting into relationships is a sign that I have needs that seek to be fulfilled from being with another person. 

There's nothing wrong with being independent. Or a healthy sense of autonomy in a relationship.

If the partners you've had in the past seem disposable, maybe they weren't the right people or relationships for you. 

 

[Batya33]

I don’t think falling in love means you want a serious relationship.  It could mean you like the exciting feelings much more than the person. It could be infatuation and then passively agreeing to keep dating and be a couple. I felt fulfilled as a person without a partner. I hope he does too !
 

I did need a boyfriend when I was young - validation sometimes the arm candy aspect but soon I couldn’t stand the whole “my boyfriend/my boyfriend “ on and on. I did that too. Ick. 

I wouldn’t feel totally fulfilled as a person without marriage and family. Raising our son together and showing him the outside world and having him navigate internal worlds and being his tour guide and his mommy and protector and adventure partner is extemely fulfilling despite so so hard and challenging at times. I fell in love with him instantly- even remember the moment it really hit me. But that part is NOT what keeps us together and close and growing.

Same with my husband.  I don’t monitor my feelings so that if it’s less exciting or I’m not feeling “it” - I decide ok then what’s in it for me. Why do I need this ? I committed to him and my family. He’s my person. Im his person. Im here for him not because I fell in love then went with the flow of a relationship.

I fell in love then chose to keep giving love and care and loyalty in an extremely active way - maybe some people just coast along but I can’t relate. 
If you enjoy falling in love or infatuation then do so but date casually so it doesn’t become where you’re responsible for more than making brunch reservations or booking a tennis court or buying theater tickets. 

[Andrina]

22 hours ago, CLo said:

as I'm happier when single than while in relationships

Can you expand on if these relationships were toxic or not? Were your partners kind, faithful, and all those other good things, but they ended things because as you say, you ignored your partners needs? If you say you've been in love, if you loved them, why then didn't you care enough to want to please them by meeting their needs? Do you not like to ever put another's needs before your own, when warranted? Just curious about your situation.

To answer your question, technically, a person doesn't need a romantic partner, because one could survive alone. If you want a child you can get a donor egg/sperm or adopt. If you want sexual satisfaction, there are vibrators and masturbation, etc. If you don't want to do all the household chores, you could hire a housekeeper.

As for me, I like a romantic partner to have a companion while eating meals and doing activities with. I like how he thinks of me during the day when we are apart for work and sends an I Love You text. I like how we can rely on each other to take care of one another when we're sick. I like how we make each other's lives easier. There are some negatives because there will always be some arguments, but those times are far fewer than the good times, so the pros outweigh the cons.

[developandearn]

11 hours ago, shouldhavelearned said:

Having someone to enjoy life with.

you're right

[Coily]

This is such an individual thing, it's hard to be objective.

For myself, when in relationships I was much more driven and motivated in life, as I want to create a better position for a future. When I'm single I am less apt to achieve and overcome, as I have been there done that in my professional and educational life. I need goals, and living a life with someone I love is one of those goals.

[kehratha]

On 6/14/2023 at 4:57 PM, CLo said:

So I'm wondering, what do people get from being in relationships.

Something they miss being alone.

If you don't miss or need anything and feel at your best being alone, I don't see anything wrong with that.

[Jibralta]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I don’t think falling in love means you want a serious relationship.  It could mean you like the exciting feelings much more than the person. It could be infatuation and then passively agreeing to keep dating and be a couple. I felt fulfilled as a person without a partner. I hope he does too !
 

I did need a boyfriend when I was young - validation sometimes the arm candy aspect but soon I couldn’t stand the whole “my boyfriend/my boyfriend “ on and on.

I feel similarly. I didn't seriously consider settling down when I was younger. I enjoyed the adventure of having a crush, but found that after a certain point I'd feel stifled and want solitude. As I got into my 30s, my preferences changed. The dating process became tiresome, no longer worth the thrill of falling in love. 

2 hours ago, kehratha said:

If you don't miss or need anything and feel at your best being alone, I don't see anything wrong with that.

I agree. I know quite a few people in my old apartment building who were solitary. They were perfectly nice, normal people. They just didn't have a partner. 

[boltnrun]

I was in some sort of relationship or married from age 18 to age 49. There were some gaps of a few months in there when I was totally single but never more than that. I called myself a "serial monogamist". 

Since I turned 50 I have been totally, 100% single. No dates, no "hookups" (which at my age would feel a bit silly to me). I miss sex a LOT, but other than that I'm fine. I have gone to events, restaurants and bars alone and have traveled alone. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have a man with me, but I'm pretty entrenched in my own ways and wouldn't want to impose them onto someone else.

Now it seems highly unlikely I could ever find someone who has the exact same beliefs and standards regarding my home, cleanliness, politics, social issues, music, food, sleep schedule, etc. I would need a male version of myself but I'm self aware enough to know a male version of myself would be tedious and annoying lol. 

I don't feel like my life is sad. I get lonely sometimes and miss conversation, but I figure if it bothered me that much I'd do something about it 🤷‍♀️ I make a decent enough living and can afford to travel, go out to eat, buy plants and home decor, and pretty much everything I need or want, so I don't need a partner to improve my lifestyle. 

I say I got marriage and relationships out of the way when I was young 😄 And maybe when I'm really old I'll find a geezer like me for companionship after I retire. 

[boltnrun]

Sorry, I realized in my rambling I didn't answer the question.

What I got from a relationship when I was younger was no longer feeling like I was ugly or unwanted (I was bullied in HS and called ugly), someone to love and to love me, kids, an extended family unit (in laws), and later on after my divorce, sex and companionship. I roamed around a lot with the men I dated and that was fun. 

[Cherylyn]

What I get out of my relationship (marriage) is not being lonely.  Sure,  friends and / or pets are nice to have but I prefer to be married and a mother of two sons.  💗

My brother is unmarried and his life is all about his pets.  His pets are cute according to him but he told me that he's lonely.  He has friends but it's not the same. 

My widowed mother hails from a marriage made in hell.  Even though she chose to never remarry,  she is lonely.  Again,  she has friends but it's not the same.  She would often times dine at a restaurant by herself,  watch a movie in a theater by herself and live a loner existence. 

My brother and mother's lifestyle is not for me. 

My husband is the most important person in my life.  (My sons, too.  However, referring to my husband here.)  Not only is he a joy to be with and have around,  I can't deny the fact that an affluent lifestyle is indeed very comfortable and I wouldn't have that if I ended up like my brother and mother.  ☹️ I'm enjoying the perks.

Had I remained single, I would be OK with it because I wouldn't have known any differently.  🤔

[Wiseman2]

On 6/14/2023 at 9:57 AM, CLo said:

 . But by not knowing/feeling those needs I repeatedly fail to make relationships work.

Firstly, it's not your job to "make relationships work". If it's not working all you can do is set both yourselves free rather than coast along or force fit anything. 

Secondly, it's important to find someone compatible as far as alone time vs together time. What is comfortable for some is suffocating to others. What's comfortable for others could be disconnected for yet other types.

Basically you haven't met someone who adds enough value to make whatever compromises worthwhile.

[Batya33]

18 hours ago, kehratha said:

Something they miss being alone.

If you don't miss or need anything and feel at your best being alone, I don't see anything wrong with that.

I never felt alone just because I wasn’t married or with a partner. I’m not a fan of describing a person who is single in this way. I think it’s fine and healthy if a person feels best alone and doesn’t crave social interaction much but just because a person chooses not to be romantically in a serious relationship doesn’t mean they prefer being alone. 

[Cherylyn]

According to my "happily" widowed mother,   she "enjoys" being alone.  However,  she doesn't tell me exactly how she feels.  From my observation,  she is lonely despite never admitting this in a million years due to her prideful nature.  For her,  she had such a nightmarish marriage that being lonely is better than taking the risk of being paired with catastrophe.

I never had to pursue my husband because I never felt desperate for marriage and family.  If it happened,  then great and if it didn't,  oh well.  Fortunately,  we were at the right place at the right time.  🤗

What do I get from being in a relationship?  I definitely appreciate the convenience factor.  I can ask my husband questions and he has a ready answer.  He helps me with anything without my having to ask.  He always picks up the slack regarding our marriage,  family and household.  He's right on it.  I defer to him a lot.  I can lean on him.  No matter what,  my husband makes life A-OK.  ☺️  👌 👍

My recently widowed MIL (mother-in-law) misses what I have.   She and my late FIL (father-in-law) were soulmates and set the bar so high,  it's hard to match but I think my husband and I are up there. 

I truly doubt my husband would be the man he is today without following his late father's example regarding how to treat women (in particular) with respect.  A strong father figure teaches and influences his son(s) how to treat women with respect or so I've noticed.  (Or, in other cases,  sons learn from their fathers or lack thereof how to disrespect women which is a disaster.)

[rainbowsandroses]

Great question by the OP!

I have always believed that a relationship should "enhance" our lives, not "be" our lives.  Nor do I subscribe to the notion "you complete me."   To me, we should feel 'whole and complete' on our own before entering into a relationship.

For me anyway, I don't "need" to be in a relationship or married.  I don't even "need" my boyfriend or husband per se.  I am perfectly fine on my own, by myself.  I am content and happy.

However when I fall in love, I need my partner in the sense I enjoy the feeling of being connected and the bond "we" share.  It's nice coming home to someone who listens and who cares.  I do the same for him.  It's a nice feeling!  

Contrast to that are when we experience conflicts.  Gotta take the bad with the good, right?  I struggle with this A LOT.  I am not good with conflict, I tend to run away from it rather than deal with it.  Doing so causes me a lot of anxiety.  My partner too.

I think this is true for many people and one reason why I believe people avoid relationships.  They love the good, but struggle with the bad.

My marriage recently ended.  Long story, but in retrospect, we got married too quickly and probably for the wrong reasons.  But the Universe works in mysterious ways and can teach us many lessons if we are open to listening and learning. 

I certainly am!  And have learned TONS through all my experiences, positive and negative.

That said, I really do think I may be better on my own.  I say that now, but who the hell knows.   I may fall in love again tomorrow!  Kidding but yeah who knows. 😂

[Capricorn3]

I'm a weirdo.  I can have a relationship, or not.  I'm happy in a relationship, but I could be quite happy living on my own and be a recluse, or just simply enjoy being single.  I never have a fear of being lonely, or alone. I enjoy my family and I also enjoy my own company.  I guess I swing both ways 😄, lol.

[rainbowsandroses]

13 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

I'm a weirdo.  I can have a relationship, or not.  I'm happy in a relationship, but I could be quite happy living on my own and be a recluse, or just simply enjoy being single.  I never have a fear of being lonely, or alone. I enjoy my family and I also enjoy my own company.  I guess I swing both ways 😄, lol.

I don't think that's weird, I'm the same!  See my previous.  Or maybe we're both weird, lol.