My head is so messed up

[beamer]

Hi everybody, firstly I'm totally new to the forum. I have an issue that I haven't been able to confide in anyone including friends or family so I was hoping this forum may help or give me guidance. So here goes.....

 

So I'm a 33 year old guy who's been in a relationship with my 28 year old gf for almost 3 years, we've been getting on fantastic the majority of this time, yes like all relationships we've had a few disagreements but it's certainly never escalated into anything major and certainly no physical altercations. I love this girl, we get on well, she's been a fantastic support when I lost my mother last year and she's been fantastic with my young daughter (from a previous relationship) when she visits mine. We currently live separate in our own places and spend days apart but the talk of living together is being discussed and looks to be happening in the near future. As I say its a good relationship. However things have changed for me personally and this is the issue.

 

I stated a new job around 3 months ago. In this job its a management and I'm dealing with emails constantly and also teams chat, I got talking to someone in a department who wanted to run some things by me, we spoke on teams chat and seemed to get on really well, both professionally but then also got chatting personally as I introduced myself being a newbie in the buisness. This happened around a month ago. Since then we saw eachother in the office and it was always a smile and a hello if we passed each other. We continued to speak on teams but we got on so well and had a real laugh, although neither of us mentioned our relationship status, didn't see it as appropriate on my side I didn't see this going anywhere apart from being a colleague at work.

 

Now I'm going to be honest, this colleague is very attractive but I was never under any intention of it going further than professional  Last week we were chatting again on teams and she just dropped a message with her phone number saying it would be easier to talk then using teams. So since then we have spoken, on a daily basis. On Friday just gone, she told me she found me really attractive and she felt a real connection between and I was someone she was really into. Not sure why I did this but I said exactly the same back, but if I'm being honest with myself and the forum, I do feel like I've made a real connection with this girl, the chat has now started turning flirty on occasions. Before I started getting ahead of myself I told her of my situation that I was in a relationship, and she told me that she was recently but had broken up with her bf. She was quite open about how upset she was about my situation but we've continued to speak daily i look forward to her messages and video messages everyday, i get that butterflies in the stomach excitement when i see shes messaged, I can't stop thinking about her and she continually tells me she likes me but she doesn't want to start anything with someone in a relationship. This is my issue because I love my gf and its never crossed my mind to cheat, what worries me is, if this could be the first time, in my life,that I could change this and lose all credibility in my moral beliefs in relationship commitments. Then I think do I just break it off with my gf, but how? And she'll be asking why as it's come out of the blue, how heartbreaking it would be to see her upset. She has also developed a close relationship with my best mates partner and other partners of my clostest friends. Is this other girl just looking for a rebound although she strongly denies this is the case?My head is so messed up. What do I do? I am so sorry this is such a long post but I've poured my mess out on here. Any advice would be hugely appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, beamer said:

  she doesn't want to start anything with someone in a relationship. 

She already has started something with someone in a relationship. Yes she's on the rebound.  You're just an ersatz guy whose shoulder she cries on.

She doesn't really care if your primary relationship is destroyed because she has nothing lose. 

You're on a slippery slope, but you know this. All you can do is act professional and pull back. This could go sideways because you work together. 

[Batya33]

Here's what I would consider -if you can have your head turned so easily to someone else you might not be with the right person.  So the answer might be neither woman is right for you.  Also since you're not sure which way to go with things I'd keep your daughter out of this so she can keep her distance emotionally in case things go south.

Also this woman seems quite aggressive - and doesn't care that you're in a relationship - wouldn't she worry that you'd play with fire generally even if you dated her?

Certainly do nothing with this woman that's inappropriate -end one thing before you start another.

[Cherylyn]

You are playing with fire.  🔥  If you breakup in order to be with the office woman and the office woman eventually breaks up with you if it gets that far,  then you'll end up losing both women.  Splash cold water on your face and wake up !  Since you love your gf as you claim,  pump the brakes on the office woman and do a reset by reprogramming your brain.  Learn to exercise discretion by maintaining a professional and safe distance.  The office woman won't change for you so it's your behavior which must change.  Have a business type relationship with the office woman,  be kind but don't get chummy.  Draw the line.  Enforce healthy boundaries.  Since you love your gf,  be devoted and loyal to her.  Focus on your gf and daughter.  Set your priorities straight. 

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

You are playing with fire.  🔥  If you breakup in order to be with the office woman and the office woman eventually breaks up with you if it gets that far,  then you'll end up losing both women.  Splash cold water on your face and wake up !  Since you love your gf as you claim,  pump the brakes on the office woman and do a reset by reprogramming your brain.  Learn to exercise discretion by maintaining a professional and safe distance.  The office woman won't change for you so it's your behavior which must change.  Have a business type relationship with the office woman,  be kind but don't get chummy.  Draw the line.  Enforce healthy boundaries.  Since you love your gf,  be devoted and loyal to her.  Focus on your gf and daughter.  Set your priorities straight. 

This.  It's called commitment.  It's what you do.  

Not faulting you for feeling attraction for the office girl, you're human, it happens, it's what you choose to do about that attraction that matters.

If you love and are committed to your long term girlfriend then follow @Cherylyn's advice and maintain your distance.  

If you're not, then end things with your gf and pursue the office girl. 

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, beamer said:

Then I think do I just break it off with my gf, but how? And she'll be asking why as it's come out of the blue, how heartbreaking it would be to see her upset. She has also developed a close relationship with my best mates partner and other partners of my clostest friends. Is this other girl just looking for a rebound although she strongly denies this is the case?My head is so messed up.

 

Oh, this situation can go many ways....

Depending on your choices, she could end up being a rebound for you!  Due to admitting you DO love your GF, yet fancy another woman.

If she left her relationship, not sure if it'd be an actual rebound -- unless, she's not emotionally over it yet.

And, this is a work colleague?  That can end up messy as well.  Not always a great idea to date those we work with.

IMO, if you had your head on straight, you'd see this as most likely a work 'crush', which will fade fast enough.  Meanwhile, your GF stand a big chance of being hurt, for sure.  But, hey is how it is, when you get involved..

Think on all of this though... Do YOU think this new 'crush', you've been into & known only a month is worth throwing your relationship away for?  😕 

And when it comes down to it... Sometimes I think of this saying, "go for number 2, because if number one was special enough, you wouldn't even be thinking this way'. But then again, for your situation, I feel it's mainly a physical attraction- which requires some self control, as you really don't even know this woman!

If you love your GF for real, this will end real fast.

 

[Tinydance]

Well if you're asking what you should do then I think you need to ask yourself a few questions. You said in your post that you love your girlfriend and the relationship has overall been very good. You've also been with her for three years, so you've built something solid with her.

I think you really need to think about why you're become so infatuated with this other woman. If it's because you were already losing feelings for your girlfriend, that's one thing. But if it's mostly because this woman is attractive, then I think leaving your girlfriend would be a mistake.

I mean, of course it's nice to get attention from someone attractive. The thing is you don't know this woman that much.  You haven't even really spent that much time with her one-on-one. She is newly single so it could be that she's playing the field and enjoying her new found freedom. You don't really know what she's looking for and if she's flirting with other guys as well. You could leave your girlfriend of three years for this woman but it might not go anywhere. She finds you attractive and you get along but you actually don't have any "history" with her or anything to show you that you're compatible for a relationship.

The other thing is that let's say you got married. Doesn't have to be to your girlfriend, but to *someone*. There will always be attractive women around or women that might start talking to you. Will you be like: "Oh that cute woman is talking to me so quick, I want a divorce" lol When you decide to be with someone you actually make a decision that you'll commit to that person. You make a choice that even though there are others out there, you choose THAT person.

If you don't want to choose your girlfriend that's OK. People do break up and maybe this is one of those cases. But if you actually love her and saw a future with her, do you really want to throw that away? 

 

[1a1a]

Crushes tell us something is missing. 
 

What are the things about the new woman that make you feel alive? 
 

If you want to preserve your existing relationship what can you do to bring more of those things into the life you have with your partner? 
 

If you don’t want to preserve your current relationship, end it asap, don’t string this person who used to be your treasure along one moment longer. 

[MissCanuck]

When you wind up in these situations while in a relationship, you need to ask yourself what is missing. 

It doesn't mean your girlfriend is missing something, to be very clear. But I think it does mean that you're not as happy with her as you believed. Perhaps you've grown apart. Maybe things have grown stale. Something is not right with you two, in any case. 

And now that you've acted on your crush, you need to make a hard choice: cut it all off and recommit yourself, or set your girlfriend free. You're heart isn't really with her anymore. Can you get it back? Maybe. But not as long as this other girl is in the wings. 

If you do break up, please don't break up for the other girl. Break up because you're not committed and need to be on your own. The likelihood of this new girl working out is low, but there is a big lesson to be learned here no matter what happens. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, beamer said:

 she's been fantastic with my young daughter (from a previous relationship) when she visits mine. .we've continued to speak daily i look forward to her messages and video messages everyday, i get that butterflies in the stomach excitement 

Your GF is eventually going to pick up on your emotional vacancy. She may not be the type to paw through your phone but she's going to pick up on how preoccupied you are.

It seems like you're coasting along in the relationship because she's a supportive good person. 

Ask yourself if this hot coworker is going to babysit your child while you chat up and fantasize about other women. Or if you're just a shoulder to cry on and an ego boost after her breakup.

[Jibralta]

13 hours ago, beamer said:

Not sure why I did this but I said exactly the same back, but if I'm being honest with myself and the forum, I do feel like I've made a real connection with this girl, the chat has now started turning flirty on occasions.

You are starting to cheat right here. It doesn't matter whether it's 'crossed your mind to cheat.' You're doing it.

13 hours ago, beamer said:

Then I think do I just break it off with my gf, but how? And she'll be asking why as it's come out of the blue, how heartbreaking it would be to see her upset.

I don't know how. Maybe it will take a few weeks to figure that out. But you need to break it off with your gf because you aren't committed to her. It's not fair to her to pretend that you are just for your own comfort. 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, 1a1a said:

Crushes tell us something is missing. 

His does because he's taken it this far.  I think crushes from afar can be really fun and enhance a marriage even - you have the crush and you realize what you have is so much more meaningful. Totally fine if it's a celebrity and/or you choose not to act on it if it is someone you know.  Crushes often are totally normal and don't have to mean something is missing. 

The only crush I've had during my marriage is a radio crush lol - the guy who does our local news on radio -used to be on TV.  Never considered meeting him or even calling in lol it's just fun and then it faded -still love his show! I had a serious crush on a coworker decades ago while I was in a relationship and yes I was more attracted to him than my boyfriend -but there were already doubts in that relationship -I didn't act on the crush and it too faded over the years.  It depends.

[smackie9]

3 years and you are still not living together nor really making huge plans for the future. Your GF is not the one, you don't love her to bits. You are just comfortable what your GF brings to your life, and she doesn't enhance it, keep it interesting....you need that for the long haul. On the other hand, lady at the office is just being thirsty and nothing more. She's drawn the line in the sand about any kind of commitment.....she just looking for a toy to play with, and you just happen to be there. 

You need to take a step back from all of this and have some space to think. Maybe it's time for a change or make changes. 

[catfeeder]

It might help if you want to classify cheating as physical rather than any steps you deliberately take toward that as ‘disloyalty’.

It also helps to grasp that no rebounder who’s recently broken from a relationship is capable of diagnosing themselves.

So put those two things together to decide your course if you want to continue developing this relationship with the coworker. You’ve revealed your capacity for disloyalty to one who seeks a distraction from her time of instability. That’s a powder keg, but it’s likely also part of the attraction.

So none of us can take on the responsibility of talking you out of this with any success. It’s too charged, and it’s too much of a risk to shame you back into the arms of a GF who is investing her best fertility years in you.

So I’d free up the GF to find a loyal partner and roll the dice on whether she might ever take you back should you work through your own stuff and later want to campaign for true commitment with sincerity.

Sounds like you’re committed to a one way street, and so you can explore that with or without the guilt of deceiving an innocent person who trusts you and deserves a committed partner.