My boyfriend watched a specific pornstar and I feel betrayed by that

[SooSad33]

Sometimes, the less we know, the better.

So what, he fancies some porn start out there.. somewhere.

Fact is.. is who is he with?  YOU.

Is normal for guys ( and gals) to fancy porn.. as long as it isn't taking over their actual 'real life'.

If he's all over the net about her, I don't know why - maybe because he can?  It's there for the viewing.. following.. etc. ( But you wouldn't know if you didn't sneak around, right?).  Is where I'm coming from in this.  I don't see this as actual cheating, but more, maybe some fantasy. ( You know about dating sites too, right?  I know a few guys out there, who, even though they are involved, they still 'hang out' on there.. I tend to think it's just some kind of little 'addiction'.  Most likely because it's there, always available and they've gotten so used to it, it's hard to just give up).

Either way, she is a porn star, not some local chic around the corner. So, is maybe best to leave it all alone and focus on your relationship in a positive, since you do say he treats you alright. 😉 

And also keep working on you.  If you've got some issue's of your own. ( Because, if you don't, in time, it will come to cause some major issue's in the relationship...).

 

[Jaunty]

This is a “you” problem.  
 

First, you cannot control another person.  You thought you could demand he not watch porn while it would be ok for you. Regardless of your justifications for this, it’s not something that can be happening in ANY viable relationship.  
 

Mainly though, your insecurities and obsessive tendencies are leading you in every way.  No relationship can survive this.  
 

Please try to get to the bottom of these issues with some professional help - and remain single while you’re working on it.  You will be very glad that you did. 

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Sometimes, the less we know, the better.

Great point -google Carly Simon's song "We have no secrets" and read the lyrics (tongue in cheek lyrics) -love the message.  I don't check my husband's phone or devices -never have -we've also never discussed whether it's ok to watch porn -I know many years ago we watched some sort of porn/soft porn together -it was fun! -and I suspect we each find certain celebrities attractive but we simply don't focus on other human being's looks in that way -or even what children look like - meaning we love seeing cute babies and kittens but we're just not looks-focused.  It would never occur to me to ask if he looks at porn -maybe he does/has -don't think so -and if he does/did - no issue -I trust and love him. 

You obviously don't feel the same so it's an incompatible/unhealthy interaction on a daily basis and an unhealthy relationship as a whole IMO.

[hannarivers]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Great point -google Carly Simon's song "We have no secrets" and read the lyrics (tongue in cheek lyrics) -love the message.  I don't check my husband's phone or devices -never have -we've also never discussed whether it's ok to watch porn -I know many years ago we watched some sort of porn/soft porn together -it was fun! -and I suspect we each find certain celebrities attractive but we simply don't focus on other human being's looks in that way -or even what children look like - meaning we love seeing cute babies and kittens but we're just not looks-focused.  It would never occur to me to ask if he looks at porn -maybe he does/has -don't think so -and if he does/did - no issue -I trust and love him. 

You obviously don't feel the same so it's an incompatible/unhealthy interaction on a daily basis and an unhealthy relationship as a whole IMO.

Im sorry, but I dont understand completely. Was your message about you not caring even if he looks at the same woman more than one time because you dont care at all if he enjoys porn? My whole point is to understand if I am in the wrong for thinking he is a bad partner for doing this, because aside from this, he is an amazing person. I dont want to look at him as "disgusting and maniac" if he is not that. This is why I needed opinions, I might see him as a different person than he actually is 

[smackie9]

How about this...sure it was bad, that in your opinion, he was being disgusting and was lying to you. He's changed because you believe people can, so let bygones be bygones. It's in the past now, he's this amazing person, go forward. Fretting obsessively over what was once was, is a waste of mental energy. Like the other poster mentioned, he wasn't harming anything or anyone, enjoying his private time with some adult images. He wasn't killing puppies and kittens, stalking, robbing banks, cheating. He was just masturbating to porn...alone. What goes on in ones mind, fantasies and all is no ones business, not even yours.

[hannarivers]

31 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

How about this...sure it was bad, that in your opinion, he was being disgusting and was lying to you. He's changed because you believe people can, so let bygones be bygones. It's in the past now, he's this amazing person, go forward. Fretting obsessively over what was once was, is a waste of mental energy. Like the other poster mentioned, he wasn't harming anything or anyone, enjoying his private time with some adult images. He wasn't killing puppies and kittens, stalking, robbing banks, cheating. He was just masturbating to porn...alone. What goes on in ones mind, fantasies and all is no ones business, not even yours.

In most parts I agree with you. And I get it that you dont really believe in change, I wouldnt either if I didnt know myself. I changed in many ways because I realized my @ssholeness. He probably thought that I just had tantrums when I told him it is cheating. I did have many, as I said, I wasnt the perfect person. I think he didnt care anymore because of the lack of credibility in my overreacting actions. My problem is me not having rational feelings and thoughts because as I mentioned before, I am in therapy with this. I just dont want to feel like he did more bad by watching one person multiple times than if he just watched random people - if it isnt true. Because if it is not, I dont want to feel the pain of the thought. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, hannarivers said:

Im sorry, but I dont understand completely. Was your message about you not caring even if he looks at the same woman more than one time because you dont care at all if he enjoys porn? My whole point is to understand if I am in the wrong for thinking he is a bad partner for doing this, because aside from this, he is an amazing person. I dont want to look at him as "disgusting and maniac" if he is not that. This is why I needed opinions, I might see him as a different person than he actually is 

Because no one can answer whether you are "right" or "wrong" -it depends on your values and standards and your communication with your partner about what is acceptable and what is not. I personally would not be ok with a partner who enjoys porn to the extent he is viewing it regularly.  Others would be.  No right or wrong about it.  You're trying to avoid putting in the effort to figure out what is acceptable to you personally and what is not. Others telling you what is right or wrong for them is irrelevant.

For example what if I told you I've always had close male friends and some of them I dated in the past. That I am married and keep in touch with them.  What if I asked everyone "is that right or wrong to have close male friends if you're married?" As you can imagine I'd get a variety of opinions and I bet some would say there was something wrong with me for keeping in touch with exes.  Who cares? All that matters is if that works for us in our marriage -right?

[hannarivers]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Because no one can answer whether you are "right" or "wrong" -it depends on your values and standards and your communication with your partner about what is acceptable and what is not. I personally would not be ok with a partner who enjoys porn to the extent he is viewing it regularly.  Others would be.  No right or wrong about it.  You're trying to avoid putting in the effort to figure out what is acceptable to you personally and what is not. Others telling you what is right or wrong for them is irrelevant.

For example what if I told you I've always had close male friends and some of them I dated in the past. That I am married and keep in touch with them.  What if I asked everyone "is that right or wrong to have close male friends if you're married?" As you can imagine I'd get a variety of opinions and I bet some would say there was something wrong with me for keeping in touch with exes.  Who cares? All that matters is if that works for us in our marriage -right?

I hate the personality I had. I dont want to decide on things the way I would have had half a year ago. I made a fuss about everything, even the smallest things made me feel hurt because all I thought was "oh, they didnt act like I would have acted in this situation, they must not love me". I literally have and identity crisis. Otherwise, I would not be stupid enough to choose the advice of strangers. My boyfriend effed up. He did. But I dont care about the lying anymore, because I was a huge liar myself and I am no more one. I decided about that. He probably made our sex life worse than it could have been, but I can forgive that one too, because I know if he knew it would affect anything, he wouldnt had done it. I am sure in his change, he saw my pain, he experienced the breakup and tons of questions about the past. He could have left, he chose to stay and change. My only one deal is this exact time he watched the same person. But the men before you said that this is not as big of a deal as I experience it. My boyfriend says the same, he didnt give as much thought to this action as I did in one day. 

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it makes no sense to you because the premises of your logic is based on myths and hearsay.

Someone told you it's only a problem if someone watches the same porn star. Well that has nothing to do with it.

It's a problem when it interferes real life sex and relationships Unfortunately you're still fixated on this porn actress.  The porn actors appearance has nothing to do with your relationship. Nor does watching a variety of porn actors vs one in particular.

Therapy could help you combat cognitive distortions, which are fixed beliefs based on anxiety rather than logic. Therefore exacerbating the anxiety based on false premises. (One actor is "worse" than different actors)

[hannarivers]

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's a problem when it interferes real life sex and relationships 

This is what I dont know about our past. There were times when he rejected me, but we still had sex regularly. He just wouldnt jump every time I wanted. Now he never rejects me. But this could also be like this because before this fight, it was "his job" most of the time, and now I take more part in it. He told me many times that "I dont feel any different, and I didnt desire you any less before I stopped watching". So this could again just be in my head, or can be true but thanks to me being more present in the act. Also, this is the past and I cant change that. Now our sexlife is better 

[Jaunty]

5 hours ago, hannarivers said:

 My whole point is to understand if I am in the wrong for thinking he is a bad partner for doing this, because aside from this, he is an amazing person 

It only means that he’s a bad partner FOR YOU, because you can’t deal with it.  There are plenty of people who wouldn’t care and who would accept it as part of the total amazing package.  

5 hours ago, hannarivers said:

 

. I dont want to look at him as "disgusting and maniac" 

If you feel that way, other people’s opinions are not going to change your feelings.  He deserves to be with someone who doesn’t see him as disgusting.  

[itsallgrand]

Why do you even have access to go through his comp/phone history? 

I read through a few times in case I was missing something here because to me it just looks like you are treating this guy poorly. Demanding he not watch porn even though you do. Going through his stuff. 

You said you are his first gf so maybe he doesn't know any better because most people I know would be out the door so quick if someone went through their stuff to snoop like this. 

[hannarivers]

7 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Why do you even have access to go through his comp/phone history? 

I read through a few times in case I was missing something here because to me it just looks like you are treating this guy poorly. Demanding he not watch porn even though you do. Going through his stuff. 

You said you are his first gf so maybe he doesn't know any better because most people I know would be out the door so quick if someone went through their stuff to snoop like this. 

I know he did many stupid things because I am his first. I had access because as I moved in, we shared a computer. He forgot to delete his history. I felt betrayed and my friend told me about Google myactivity, which allows you to see deleted history if it wasnt in inkognito mode. So I checked. This is how I know about things. I wouldnt say I treated him poorly, I just had my rough times, too. More than the average. The porn thing I explained. Men get off on women, I never got off on men, just weird situations where men couldnt even be seen, just their parts. So knowing he watched the same girl multiple times hurt me. I have a woman's brain and I felt like he had a connection

[hannarivers]

29 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

It only means that he’s a bad partner FOR YOU, because you can’t deal with it.  There are plenty of people who wouldn’t care and who would accept it as part of the total amazing package.  

If you feel that way, other people’s opinions are not going to change your feelings.  He deserves to be with someone who doesn’t see him as disgusting.  

You are wrong in that. You did just change my feelings by the words you choose to say to me. 

[itsallgrand]

18 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

I know he did many stupid things because I am his first. I had access because as I moved in, we shared a computer. He forgot to delete his history. I felt betrayed and my friend told me about Google myactivity, which allows you to see deleted history if it wasnt in inkognito mode. So I checked. This is how I know about things. I wouldnt say I treated him poorly, I just had my rough times, too. More than the average. The porn thing I explained. Men get off on women, I never got off on men, just weird situations where men couldnt even be seen, just their parts. So knowing he watched the same girl multiple times hurt me. I have a woman's brain and I felt like he had a connection

I have a woman's brain too. I'm not buying it sister. Lol. 

[hannarivers]

33 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

I have a woman's brain too. I'm not buying it sister. Lol. 

What is it you cant buy? My thinking? So, you would not think this feels like a connection for him? Have you ever watched the same person again? Bc I havent, porn never was such a big thing for me so that I could feel connected enough to watch a person more than one time

[itsallgrand]

19 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

What is it you cant buy? My thinking? So, you would not think this feels like a connection for him? Have you ever watched the same person again? Bc I havent, porn never was such a big thing for me so that I could feel connected enough to watch a person more than one time

I'm not buying your excuses for being hypocritical and controlling. 

 

[hannarivers]

55 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

I'm not buying your excuses for being hypocritical and controlling. 

 

Okay, I accept your opinion. But Im not sure why comment if you are not about my question. I thought porn was just a tool, not something used to watch the same person a few times. Makes it feel like it isnt a tool, rather making a connection to someone you cant be with. Maybe Im just stupid for thinking that. I thought men watch things they cant do and not what they can. I thought everyone had "kinks" and they like to watch that, but mine watched ordinary sex scenes with pretty women. 

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, hannarivers said:

What is it you cant buy? My thinking? So, you would not think this feels like a connection for him? Have you ever watched the same person again? Bc I havent, porn never was such a big thing for me so that I could feel connected enough to watch a person more than one time

Okay, first of all, you are NOT a man.  So it may not work that way for us 'women', as it does for men. Hence their porn.  I watched it as well with my first ex. ( he had movies from his bro in law). Yeah, we watched a few now & then.  Yeah, he had Playboy's.  I didn't care!  My sis left some of her playgirls for me once and I may have looked at one then left them sitting up in our closet.

As mentioned, men are huge for the 'looks' thing.  Their first attraction source.  heck we all look 😉 .  But how it works for them is not how it works for us. ( women nurture, men multiply ( reproduce). Their main goal.  

Ever read those books about the differences of men & women?  Try it. 'Men are from Mars, women from Venus".  it really does explain a lot on how different we are.

Second, re: his viewing this porn star a number of times -- Have you ever listened to a few songs from the same band?  Is it maybe because you really like the band & their music?  Maybe try & look at it like this.  Okay, he's watched a few things this gal has done... is that so wrong?

Before I goto sleep, I binge watch Frasier 🙂 .  This is every night pretty much.  I like all of the actors as they truly are a hoot - to me.  This is me, this is what I like. I don't care what anyone else likes or not. . And some days I'll get lost in my tunes and listen to Def Leppard music song after song ... or Taylor Swift, etc. I'm sure you get it!  There is no harm in this.

So, I think in order for this to flourish successfully at all, is for YOU to either let this stuff go & work through your issue's, or you'll end up making him regret a lot, resent you in many ways etc.  Either you are okay & happy , or you're not.

And if you do truly feel 'betrayed' by his actions, do make sure you talk with all of this to your therapist. Heck, you said so yourself that some things in the relationship is actually okay now or better?  Then, is there really anything to worry about?

 

[Batya33]

23 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

Okay, I accept your opinion. But Im not sure why comment if you are not about my question. I thought porn was just a tool, not something used to watch the same person a few times. Makes it feel like it isnt a tool, rather making a connection to someone you cant be with. Maybe Im just stupid for thinking that. I thought men watch things they cant do and not what they can. I thought everyone had "kinks" and they like to watch that, but mine watched ordinary sex scenes with pretty women. 

I think it's unwise to generalize about "men" to the extent you do.  People move towards pleasure and away from pain with rare exception.  His watching porn in the way he does pleases him  but it doesn't please you.  Incompatibility.  NOthing to do with gender or analyzing what "men" do.

[hannarivers]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think it's unwise to generalize about "men" to the extent you do.  People move towards pleasure and away from pain with rare exception.  His watching porn in the way he does pleases him  but it doesn't please you.  Incompatibility.  NOthing to do with gender or analyzing what "men" do.

All young men does something sexual outside the relationship. I dont know any man between 20-28 that doesnt watch either porn, magazine, instagram models, girls on the street, female characters in games, movies, anything to do with women. Because they are full of hormones. Women nurture, men reproduce. While a woman is capable to go days without needing sex or masturbation and not even thinking about it, men cant - they can have control, but they will think about it. My partner did this routine when he was 21-24 years old. Im not into older men, so basically I should accept that they are in some way like this. I am 23. So I dont know what I expected. 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

 Women nurture, men reproduce. While a woman is capable to go days without needing sex or masturbation and not even thinking about it, men cant .

Hopefully with therapy you can overcome these rigid generalizations. Including if someone watches the same thing it's trouble. Perhaps you will be able overcome some of the black and white thinking and broaden your understanding of nuances. 

[hannarivers]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Hopefully with therapy you can overcome these rigid generalizations. Including if someone watches the same thing it's trouble. Perhaps you will be able overcome some of the black and white thinking and broaden your understanding of nuances. 

I do agree with you on me needing therapy. I still wanted to understand men by coming here. I truly dont know that if a man watches ordinary sex with pretty women means that he wants to be with others, I am not enough or nothing of these

[MissCanuck]

Wait, so you still watch porn yourself?

If so, come back here when you correct your own hypocritical behaviour. Until then, your foot-stomping is invalid. 

[hannarivers]

41 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Wait, so you still watch porn yourself?

If so, come back here when you correct your own hypocritical behaviour. Until then, your foot-stomping is invalid. 

I dont watch it anymore. Idk where you got it from. I stopped when he did. And even if I did, still wouldnt be the same. Him watching womens body with only a man's D in the frame and a video with only genitals in it is not the same. I always watched the latter because I dont care about bodies, I just wanted to see something sexual, not a person to feel aroused by, thanks to her perfect body and face.