My boyfriend watched a specific pornstar and I feel betrayed by that

[hannarivers]

So, long story short(er). I told him 3 years ago to stop watching porn when we get together, because it is not okay with me if a man does it. I know, how is it okay if I do and not if he does. My explanation is, my problem is not porn, it is women. I never watch porn with the camera focusing on the man, I never choose by "oh I like his abs, his d". I watch weird situations. But men watch women with their full body, face, etc. They like the woman they see, and I can barely see a penis in the video. Moving on. He lied throughout those 3 years by saying he did not watch any. Yet, I found one. I broke up immediately, because I was deeply hurt by the lies. He came talking to me, first with a few lies so that I wont really leave him. Later admitted to watching it all along. To be honest, I got over the lying, Im not perfect either. I even got over just a bit on the fact that he was looking at other women even though we had great sex life and I am a fine looking girl. But I got a bit psycho a few days ago and I looked thru his porn preferences before our relationship. I found a pornstar who he found, looked at her pics, her insta, then hub. The same next day. Same a month later. I get it, he was single, tbh he was single before me all his life. But I did ask him if he watched this girl also in the last years. And he said yes. The fact is, the girl has the exact same body I had when I met my bf, I just gained like 5 kilogramms since. She has a nice face too and she is my age. So I got deeply hurt because I am sure he truly desired this girl since I am his type, therefore she is his type too. Idk how should I feel, should I break up with him now because I found out he looked at the same girl many times. Oh, and since we broke up a few months ago, when I found out, he changed, he didnt watch any porn, but now I am the mean one for getting him mad each day by thousands of questions. I love this man, he is amazing, caring and loving, but this perversion.. Idk how to move on. I am a 24 old and he is 25

[Kwothe28]

With all due respect, I dont think you understand the core difference between men and women. Men are a visual creatures. Therefore they are attracted to a visual stimulus. Porn "exploits" that by offering them exactly what they want. A visual of a naked woman(or a man, I dont judge) and a sex act. That is the whole science behind it. Your boyfriend sees the naked woman, gets aroused and masturbates. 

On the other hand, women are not so visual creatures, they are the emotional creatures. They often need an emotional connection for sex and often even think that through sex act they connect with the other person more. So while your ex boyfriend watches naked women, you watch weird situations. Because you have no interest in visuals. 

The problem here is that you are going from your own perspective and projecting it on your ex boyfriend. So you think he watches a certain pornstar because he has some kind of feelings there. And desires her because she has 5kg less then you. So you found yourself offended there. While in a reality, he just wants some kind of stimulus to masturbate. He could and did probably do it on some other porn star as well. Because he has no emotional connection there, its just porn and masturbation.

I do agree that you should have broke up and that its a good decision. Your values dont match. You obviously dont condone masturbation and think he is some kind of pervert because of it. So its best for you both to go your own way. 

[hannarivers]

26 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

With all due respect, I dont think you understand the core difference between men and women. Men are a visual creatures. Therefore they are attracted to a visual stimulus. Porn "exploits" that by offering them exactly what they want. A visual of a naked woman(or a man, I dont judge) and a sex act. That is the whole science behind it. Your boyfriend sees the naked woman, gets aroused and masturbates. 

On the other hand, women are not so visual creatures, they are the emotional creatures. They often need an emotional connection for sex and often even think that through sex act they connect with the other person more. So while your ex boyfriend watches naked women, you watch weird situations. Because you have no interest in visuals. 

The problem here is that you are going from your own perspective and projecting it on your ex boyfriend. So you think he watches a certain pornstar because he has some kind of feelings there. And desires her because she has 5kg less then you. So you found yourself offended there. While in a reality, he just wants some kind of stimulus to masturbate. He could and did probably do it on some other porn star as well. Because he has no emotional connection there, its just porn and masturbation.

I do agree that you should have broke up and that its a good decision. Your values dont match. You obviously dont condone masturbation and think he is some kind of pervert because of it. So its best for you both to go your own way. 

Sorry if I wasnt clear. We got together the next day I broke up with him. I wanted to give a chance for me to change my perspective and for him to show me that porn isnt life (if he can show me he can go months without it, I calm down and wont think he is an addict). My problem NOW is not porn itself, but the fact that he spent days before our relationship with masturbating to this exact girl (which makes me think he really likes her for ovbious reasons that she is georgeous) and he did it in the relationship too. Isnt it like he has a virtual girlfriend?! Because he did days with her before me? 

[Seraphim]

If you want him to keep a no porn standard you need to hold yourself to the same standard the hypocrisy has to end.  

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, hannarivers said:

. She has a nice face too and she is my age. So I got deeply hurt because I am sure he truly desired this girl since I am his type, therefore she is his type too. . I am a 24 old and he is 25

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately you can't control what someone masturbates to. That's the purpose of porn,  visual content for the purposes of arousal.

It's a mistake to enter a parent-child relationship and police and punish him as if he's a 12  y/o naughty boy. Toxic guilt to assuage your insecurities isn't a good dynamic.

He's not in a relationship with this porn actress. Yet you feel terribly threatened by this.

All you can do to help yourself recover is to find a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

Through therapy you could get help unpacking and sorting out some of these insecurities and controlling behaviours.

A therapist could help you replace self-defeating self-sabotaging  thoughts and behaviors with healthier more productive  views and actions.

[hannarivers]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately you can't control what someone masturbates to. That's the purpose of porn,  visual content for the purposes of arousal.

It's a mistake to enter a parent-child relationship and police and punish him as if he's a 12  y/o naughty boy. Toxic guilt to assuage your insecurities isn't a good dynamic.

He's not in a relationship with this porn actress. Yet you feel terribly threatened by this.

All you can do to help yourself recover is to find a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

Through therapy you could get help unpacking and sorting out some of these insecurities and controlling behaviours.

A therapist could help you replace self-defeating self-sabotaging  thoughts and behaviors with healthier more productive  views and actions.

To be honest, it not really is porn in general that bothers me. I cant blame him for looking at her instagram and other pics on many occasions when he was single. He had no one, no close friends, no girlfriend. I was obsessed with celebrities when I was lonely (although not in a sexual way), so a bit I van understand. What bothers me is that he had this pornstar for days before me, and he watched her also when being with me. Isnt it worse than just watching random people? 

[Kwothe28]

37 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

My problem NOW is not porn itself, but the fact that he spent days before our relationship with masturbating to this exact girl (which makes me think he really likes her for ovbious reasons that she is georgeous) and he did it in the relationship too. Isnt it like he has a virtual girlfriend?! Because he did days with her before me? 

And again you are looking at it from a womans perspective. He doesnt need an emotional connection in order to masturbate to porn. You do. I would be worried about his mental state if he thinks porn star is his girlfriend. Which he clearly doesnt, he just masturbates to her. Its you who has this twisted view about his masturbation habits. Because you project your own views onto him.

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

To be honest, it not really is porn in general that bothers me. 

Agree. Porn in general is not the problem. It's your obsession with this particular porn actress.

Only therapy could help you with obsessive thoughts and controlling behaviours like this.  Please look into. There are excellent treatment available for people with obsessions.

You'll feel much better in general when you get help. Having this kind of obsession can damage your self esteem.

[hannarivers]

28 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

And again you are looking at it from a womans perspective. He doesnt need an emotional connection in order to masturbate to porn. You do. I would be worried about his mental state if he thinks porn star is his girlfriend. Which he clearly doesnt, he just masturbates to her. Its you who has this twisted view about his masturbation habits. Because you project your own views onto him.

I guess that you are a man. Then, can you tell me why would a man watch the same actress again and again if there is no connection? And again, lets say Im no worse than his favorite, tbh I find myself even better looking. Wouldnt a man need to watch the prettiest girl if he had an ugly girlfriend? Doesnt a pretty actress make a man find his own less pretty? 

[hannarivers]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. Porn in general is not the problem. It's your obsession with this particular porn actress.

Only therapy could help you with obsessive thoughts and controlling behaviours like this.  Please look into. There are excellent treatment available for people with obsessions.

You'll feel much better in general when you get help. Having this kind of obsession can damage your self esteem.

But what I see that she was HIS obsession. We werent together when this happened, but who knows if he continued the same way after we were. Maybe Im wrong, but if a guy wakes up, first thing is to look up this girl, pics, videos, then the same the next day... Makes me feel like he had a "real crush" on her. Maybe Im wrong and he was just a stupid guy bc of lonelyness and eventually he became "less obsessed" with her because of meeting me (I hope he at least stopped looking at pictures). He admitted to watching her in relationship too, this is what concerns me. That he sees her as a person he knows 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, hannarivers said:

To be honest, it not really is porn in general that bothers me. I cant blame him for looking at her instagram and other pics on many occasions when he was single. He had no one, no close friends, no girlfriend. I was obsessed with celebrities when I was lonely (although not in a sexual way), so a bit I van understand. What bothers me is that he had this pornstar for days before me, and he watched her also when being with me. Isnt it worse than just watching random people? 

So you’re comfortable with someone choosing porn because they are not dating anyone and choosing not to have a social life where they interact with people they may become friendly with ?

 If so then I think it’s unfair to expect the person to simply stop watching porn if the reasons were to avoid real life interactions and use it to fill a void of loneliness.

That’s different than light entertainment- it’s an ingrained crutch and a concerning one IMO. 

[hannarivers]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So you’re comfortable with someone choosing porn because they are not dating anyone and choosing not to have a social life where they interact with people they may become friendly with ?

 If so then I think it’s unfair to expect the person to simply stop watching porn if the reasons were to avoid real life interactions and use it to fill a void of loneliness.

That’s different than light entertainment- it’s an ingrained crutch and a concerning one IMO. 

He didnt avoid interactions, he just wasnt a popular guy, he always wanted a girlfriend, just sadly no one liked him back that he liked. He had friends, just not emotionally close ones, rather the "spend the day together and have fun" type of friends. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, hannarivers said:

 Wouldnt a man need to watch the prettiest girl if he had an ugly girlfriend? Doesnt a pretty actress make a man find his own less pretty? 

Please try not to view this as a beauty contest. He was probably attracted to you in real life. Clearly the porn images need to be arousing enough to get the job done.

It doesn't seem as though he thinks he was  in cyber crush fantasy romance. Just taking care of business to pics .

It seems you spent an inordinate amount of time rifling through his devices, history and researching this porn actor excessively.

[hannarivers]

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please try not to view this as a beauty contest. He was probably attracted to you in real life. Clearly the porn images need to be arousing enough to get the job done.

It doesn't seem as though he thinks he was  in cyber crush fantasy romance. Just taking care of business to pics .

It seems you spent an inordinate amount of time rifling through his devices, history and researching this porn actor excessively.

I did spent time, because all I heard from people around me is that "dont worry about him using porn, only if he doesnt have good sex with you or he watches one person multiple times". And the latter one happened, so now I am worried 

[smackie9]

This guy lied to you for 3 years, and is obsessed by this porn star to get him off. Loving him so much but never trusting him is very toxic. It's never going to work. Stop dating him and move on. better to get over it, and find someone who isn't like this.

Look at what he is doing...coming back to you with "Oh I love you so much, I will never do it again, so sorry blah blah blah". He's just pacifying you you know that right? He lied to you before, he's gonna lie to you again.

[hannarivers]

32 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

This guy lied to you for 3 years, and is obsessed by this porn star to get him off. Loving him so much but never trusting him is very toxic. It's never going to work. Stop dating him and move on. better to get over it, and find someone who isn't like this.

Look at what he is doing...coming back to you with "Oh I love you so much, I will never do it again, so sorry blah blah blah". He's just pacifying you you know that right? He lied to you before, he's gonna lie to you again.

I believe in changing. I had anger issues in my first relationship. I did pretty bad things. Told myself, Ill never be like that again. My bf didnt believe me. But I did change. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

I believe in changing. I had anger issues in my first relationship. I did pretty bad things. Told myself, Ill never be like that again. My bf didnt believe me. But I did change. 

But you don’t trust him and are showing your anger issues by harassing him as you described. So it’s possible he is not wag him porn but you seem to believe he will change back easily - like if he feels lonely etc. you don’t trust that he changed. 

[hannarivers]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But you don’t trust him and are showing your anger issues by harassing him as you described. So it’s possible he is not wag him porn but you seem to believe he will change back easily - like if he feels lonely etc. you don’t trust that he changed. 

I might be misundersrood. I trust him now. It is not about trust. It is about the past. In the present, I am terryfied that he felt somrthing towards that girl. Even obsession. Idk how man brain works. I dont know if it is the same as for girls with their boyband manias, when they are literally into those boys

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

I might be misundersrood. I trust him now. It is not about trust. It is about the past. In the present, I am terryfied that he felt somrthing towards that girl. Even obsession. Idk how man brain works. I dont know if it is the same as for girls with their boyband manias, when they are literally into those boys

Nothing to do with gender. You feel insecure about his feelings for you. You are focused on this porn star but it could have been anyone.  It’s not about porn star. It could be anyone you think he finds attractive.  You think he is very focused on women’s bodies and physical features. Not all people are this focused. Nothing to do with gender. Some couples are fine with this level of focus. I wouldn’t be. It would be a turn off. Decide what your standards are and if you two have compatible values. 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

, I am terryfied that he felt somrthing towards that girl. Even obsession. 

This is a difficult way to live. Keep in mind if it wasn't pics or porn it would be something else. Unfortunately you simply seem unhappy in the relationship. However it's time to examine where the real source of your fear and unhappiness comes from. 

[hannarivers]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is a difficult way to live. Keep in mind if it wasn't pics or porn it would be something else. Unfortunately you simply seem unhappy in the relationship. However it's time to examine where the real source of your fear and unhappiness comes from. 

To clarify, he wasnt the obsessed one for watching the same person for 10-15 times in 4 years, but I am obsessed because I think about this? I just want to understand if this amount was okay or not, because all of the other things about him make me feel loved and happy. He takes care of me, he loves me, he makes me smile. I love him, and I dont want to make the wrong decision by throwing him out for something that might be bad only in my head. I dont care about the lies. I was a ***ty person too, I just took a turn to becoming better a month before I found out about his lying. I was a controlling partner in every aspect, and I changed for him. He changed for me so much, this is why I have this freakin dilemma if he did bad or not 

[Wiseman2]

53 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

 . I was a controlling partner in every aspect.

Therapy could help you with this to. Because it's still continuing. Trying to control and infantilize him to manage your obsessions and insecurities.   Shifting from controlling and micromanaging one thing about him to other things is not really a change.

[hannarivers]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Therapy could help you with this to. Because it's still continuing. Trying to control and infantilize him to manage your obsessions and insecurities.   Shifting from controlling and micromanaging one thing about him to other things is not really a change.

I do understand you and you are right. I am already in therapy, I will mention this. But Im truly curious about your opinion on the original topic - if it is sick or bad of him to watch the same person 10-15 times. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, hannarivers said:

 people around me is that "dont worry about him using porn, only if he doesnt have good sex with you or he watches one person multiple times". 

This is a myth. Definitely speak to the therapist about your concerns.

[Batya33]

35 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

I do understand you and you are right. I am already in therapy, I will mention this. But Im truly curious about your opinion on the original topic - if it is sick or bad of him to watch the same person 10-15 times. 

Even if you took a poll all that matters is your opinion on it and if it’s incompatible with your values. You already said it’s ok to look at porn if you’re single and have no close friends.  And then that person is supposed to stop if he’s dating someone seriously or finds friends. That’s your standard. 
some would love that he did this. Maybe a turn on. Maybe because they also enjoy focusing on one porn star. What’s your standard ?  I mean unless he agrees to be evaluated by a mental health professional who diagnoses him as sick for doing this - which I figure they wouldn’t - but who knows -it sounds like he wasn’t hurting anyone by doing this so you have to decide on acceptance. Micromanaging is not acceptance. And not fair. And kinda bullying too.