My boyfriend watched a specific pornstar and I feel betrayed by that

[itsallgrand]

19 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

You are a mature woman, not a 24 year old young man. As one said before, women nurture, men are meant to spread seeds. Considering this, they instinctly like more women. Im sure he would never ever cheat on me, but Im not sure if he doesnt have fantasies of doing so while watching these actresses

You just have a lot of sexist beliefs Hanna. Maybe challenge them ? 

[Batya33]

40 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

I read around 300 men's comments on reddit, talking about the fact that majority of them have a favorite, "ideal type" they like to watch. For someone its a blonde one with big boobs, for an other is a 20 year old girl who is a brunette. Of course mine has a type, too. Every one likes a specific look. 

You have no idea who is typing. Man or woman or boy or girl.How sad that you base these really damaging generalizations on what you read on an online platform and what strangers post. 

[Batya33]

22 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

You are a mature woman, not a 24 year old young man. As one said before, women nurture, men are meant to spread seeds. Considering this, they instinctly like more women. Im sure he would never ever cheat on me, but Im not sure if he doesnt have fantasies of doing so while watching these actresses

Read itsallgrand post. As often as needed.  Then act on it. 

[hannarivers]

3 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

You just have a lot of sexist beliefs Hanna. Maybe challenge them ? 

I understand all of yours problems with me. Okay. I have issues. But why do most of you talk about me, when I had a question about my boyfriend. I wanted to know what does it EXACTLY mean if he watched the same person for 10-12 times. Because I dont want to be based by my own beliefs. My beliefs say that he had a crush on her, the type where he would get with her sexually, but he obviously cant, so he just gets off on her. 

[bluecastle]

5 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

I wanted to know what does it EXACTLY mean if he watched the same person for 10-12 times.

No one—not me, not anyone, save for your boyfriend, but probably not even him—can tell you EXACTLY what this meant. But, hey, if you're asking for an outside opinion I'll give you mine...

I would say what it means is exactly nothing.

It means that he, alongside billions of other human beings for millions of years, of both genders, used the same or similar material to assist in inducing the lovely pleasures of a self-induced orgasm. 

And this is why, at least from where I'm sitting, the conversation is turning to you.  Because it's the hunt to find meaning where there is none—and to find it by grabbing onto cartoonish views of men and women—that seems most troubling here. 

Look, there's nothing wrong with having issues with someone looking at porn, just like there's nothing wrong with having issues with someone smoking cigarettes, or attending a certain church, or having certain political leanings. We're all allowed individual preferences, and boundaries.

Thing is, you don't seem to be anti-porn here so much as anti anything that makes you feel out of control or not super duper smoking hot. And that is a very hard way to go through live and through relationships, which I'd encourage you to see as the lesson here.

Because 99.9 percent of the time when we become this obsessed with another person's private behaviors it's because there is something inside of us that we are scared to look at head on.   

[Batya33]

18 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

I understand all of yours problems with me. Okay. I have issues. But why do most of you talk about me, when I had a question about my boyfriend. I wanted to know what does it EXACTLY mean if he watched the same person for 10-12 times. Because I dont want to be based by my own beliefs. My beliefs say that he had a crush on her, the type where he would get with her sexually, but he obviously cant, so he just gets off on her. 

It means that it bothers you to the extent that you are concerned and concerned enough to interrogate him about it regularly.  It means that you lack trust in him.  The answer is it doesn't "exactly mean" anything -it's contextual.  If you told me the person he watched was a child then to me that would mean it was a potential red flag for pedophilia.  But watching a person who is a porn star 10-12 times means that you are so focused on it you know how many times and means what I wrote above.

That's the thing with romantic relationships with individuals - much of the time you're not going to get a "definition"because it's contextual and subjective.  

And the thing is -yes he can go out and find a woman who looks like her and yes he can choose to pursue a woman to have intercourse with her and perhaps imagine he is having sex with a porn star.  You are assuming he wants to have intercourse with her but you do not know that.  Perhaps he simply enjoys viewing her and her body. 

I had a "radio crush" for a few years- I knew what he looked like as he did some TV work too - I thought he was cute, I thought he had great delivery and I loved hearing his stories/jokes etc.  I am married.  I wouldn't have dated this person if I was single nor would I have done anything physical with him for a number of reasons.  I enjoyed my harmless crush.  I listened to him daily -not just 10-12 times. My crush faded and he's still my favorite local radio personality. 

You're acting as if your boyfriend is so led by his penis that if he "could" have sex with her he would -is that really your opinion of how he reacts to seeing a woman he thinks is sexually appealing? He's like a dog in heat? Really?

I have no idea if my husband watches porn.  I don't think he does.  I think he has seen it in his life.  So have I.  We've each been to strip clubs in our lives.  I do know that if I believed him to be that focused on physical features that he would consider having intercourse with a stranger just because she looked hot I wouldn't be married to him and I wouldn't have dated him once I learned that.  It goes against my values. 

If I thought he believed that "women nurture and men spread seed" I'd have stopped dating him that second. I would have been repulsed by that belief.  His first ever question to me was why I chose the career I did (back then we had the same career and no it doesn't involve nurturing or spreading seed).  It was really important to him to know why and to know I was a person who was really into what she chose to do and ambitious and with a strong work ethic.  He certainly complimented my looks when we were dating and he still does but his focus in deciding whether I was right for him for marriage was far more about who I was as a person, my dreams and goals.  

You're so inordinately focused on what he masturbates to and you obviously don't trust or admire him or respect him. There are plenty of people who are content to have narrow minded beliefs and live in their little comfy negative bubbles - you can find a man like that. Or you can do what Itsallgrand suggested. I'd do the latter.  

[boltnrun]

If he's truly in love with you this porn star could come to his apartment and strip nude and offer him all sorts of sexual favors and he would say "yeah, thanks, but I'm in love with Hanna".

Men actually do have control over their actions. 

And I should have put the prefix "ex" in front when I talked about my husband resembling David Duchovny. 

[hannarivers]

56 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

You just have a lot of sexist beliefs Hanna. Maybe challenge them ? 

How exactly? 

[itsallgrand]

1 hour ago, hannarivers said:

How exactly? 

That's a great question. Since you have a therapist, it might be great to start there. I'm sure they will have better suggestions than I and suggestions for resources on that. 

 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

That's a great question. Since you have a therapist, it might be great to start there. I'm sure they will have better suggestions than I and suggestions for resources on that. 

 

I thought the OP meant how exactly are her beliefs sexist.  If not then - OP - I agree with this.  Also you can go to your public library and look in the sex ed section.  There's a series -more for kids/teens called "It's so Amazing" and the third book for teens addresses a lot of the assumptions you are making and explains it from a scientific and practical perspective.

Also get into the habit of treating people as individuals and challenging yourself not to take the easy way out with your generalizations.  In particular about gender.

[bluecastle]

2 hours ago, hannarivers said:

How exactly? 

I'm not answering for itsallgrand here, but for myself. 

You can start by looking at the many men, including your boyfriend, who are not spreading their seed willy nilly, and see that as proof that your views of men are founded more in cliches than reality. From there you can look at the many women who do not fall under a hackneyed archetype—be it nurturing, materialistic, weight obsessed, or whatever—and have even more proof of the inherent thinness of cliches. Then you look at yourself, calmly and privately and without judgement, and remind yourself that everything you see (and all you don't yet) has no larger meaning outside the borders of yourself.

Put all that in a little mental pot, turn to simmer, let it stew, and then sip slowly. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, hannarivers said:

 why do most of you talk about me, when I had a question about my boyfriend.

Because you posted the question and you're having the issue.  Please talk to your therapist about your self image and black and white thinking. This is causing the problems you're feeling.

In addition to the therapist, see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. There is a lot of help available for people with obsessions, anxiety and self image distortions. 

Also try to get accurate information on sexuality rather than  this misogynistic rhetoric you're finding on the internet. (Men spread seeds and women nurture,etc.) The better you feel about yourself, the better your relationships will be in the future.

[hannarivers]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Because you posted the question and you're having the issue.  Please talk to your therapist about your self image and black and white thinking. This is causing the problems you're feeling.

In addition to the therapist, see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. There is a lot of help available for people with obsessions, anxiety and self image distortions. 

Also try to get accurate information on sexuality rather than  this misogynistic rhetoric you're finding on the internet. (Men spread seeds and women nurture,etc.) The better you feel about yourself, the better your relationships will be in the future.

I say it one more time - I know I have issues! But Im scared if my boyfriend had one too with this woman! My best friend had a crush on someone else than her current boyfriend, the whole time of the relationship. She didnt cheat, but she talked about him all the time, how she wished she could meet him. (she saw him on a train) I just dont want my partner to feel like this about me 

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

 I just dont want my partner to feel like this about me 

The only person who can answer this is your BF. Perhaps work on your communication with him. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, hannarivers said:

I say it one more time - I know I have issues! But Im scared if my boyfriend had one too with this woman! My best friend had a crush on someone else than her current boyfriend, the whole time of the relationship. She didnt cheat, but she talked about him all the time, how she wished she could meet him. (she saw him on a train) I just dont want my partner to feel like this about me 

That's a different question -you're generally anxious about him wanting to be with someone else and acting on that want-not just this specific porn star. 

We're not talking "about" you just pointing out that your question means that you need to look inward and reevaluate your assumptions, as well as realize that the issue is not who your boyfriend looks at but that you don't trust or respect him to make appropriate choices in response to being a human being who lives among temptations of various kinds.  My wedding vows did not include my promise never to feel tempted or to feel attracte to another human being -I promised not to act on those feeling and betray my marriage and love for my husband.

He may get a crush on someone, so may you.  The question is do you trust him not to act on his crush because he is your boyfriend.  Do  you respect and admire him or do you believe he reacts to his hormones, erections, feelings without considering consequences? If the latter then you do not believe he is a person who is reliable, trustworthy, makes common sense and good and ethical choices. If the latter then he is not the right person for you. 

If you continue down the path of your withering condemnation of "men" and how they are ruled by their penises I doubt you will be able to find a healthful relationship or even be true friends with a man.  But the good news is you've gotten tons of input here on how to change your mindset and learn how to treat men and people in general as individuals.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, hannarivers said:

I know I have issues! But Im scared if my boyfriend had one too with this woman!

Why would it be an issue if he felt sexually attracted to another person? Isn't that just being a normal human being?

[hannarivers]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Why would it be an issue if he felt sexually attracted to another person? Isn't that just being a normal human being?

Because, as you said, crush is okay, acting on it is not okay. Jerking off is acting on it. If it wasnt, you should not feel sad if your man jerked off to the pic of your female friend, because "he didnt act on it" 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

Because, as you said, crush is okay, acting on it is not okay. Jerking off is acting on it. If it wasnt, you should not feel sad if your man jerked off to the pic of your female friend, because "he didnt act on it" 

Nope.  Masturbating to porn is not cheating unless the couple decides it is.  Did you? 

If my husband had photos of an actual female friend and masturbated to it (totally hypothetical -would never happen, never has) to me personally that would be inconsistent with what our commitment is to each other. That's acting on a temptation to a point that -for me- would be inconsistent. Not technically adultery but also not ok --- with me.  Others might be turned on, others might want that sort of relationship where they each get to masturbate to photos of actual friends.  Totally fine what others do.

If your bf promised not to act on his attraction to a photo of a porn star by jerking off and he did it anyway it doesn't matter at all if it's cheating -it's lying, it's breaking a promise and that would be the issue.

[hannarivers]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Nope.  Masturbating to porn is not cheating unless the couple decides it is.  Did you? 

If my husband had photos of an actual female friend and masturbated to it (totally hypothetical -would never happen, never has) to me personally that would be inconsistent with what our commitment is to each other. That's acting on a temptation to a point that -for me- would be inconsistent. Not technically adultery but also not ok --- with me.  Others might be turned on, others might want that sort of relationship where they each get to masturbate to photos of actual friends.  Totally fine what others do.

If your bf promised not to act on his attraction to a photo of a porn star by jerking off and he did it anyway it doesn't matter at all if it's cheating -it's lying, it's breaking a promise and that would be the issue.

I think I wrote about it. I did tell him I dont want him to watch porn, I did tell him it is cheating. He never agreed to the latter, but he said he wont. He did lie throughout those 3 years, saying he never watches porn. This is why I broke up immediately as I found porn. He came to me lying some stupid stuff. Then later admitted to watching it all along, he said he lied because my reactions are out of this world and he felt what I said about porn is not true, so he didnt find it a bad thing to do it in secret. Since I talked about porn many times in those 3 years, he had many opportunity to lie about it. Once I even told him I found a search history, he lied about that and said I didnt believe him and I was in the wrong. I even told him sorry and that he should tell me if he watches it, just dont lie. Since he didnt believe I was sincere to not rip his head off, he lied again. I had a feeling (exactly a month before I found about the truth) that I should tell him it feels like cheating, so please tell me if he cheated and he said he didnt. This is why it hurt so bad a month later. My therapist told me that I was a person who didnt create an environment where he could be honest, so he lied. She said if I wont change my reactions, he will continue lying. Maybe I was wrong telling him to stop it, instead of asking him "how could we do it so it doesnt hurt me, but is good for you". He was wrong for lying. But I was for giving him an ultimatum instead of asking what he thinks about it. 

[Batya33]

So that is why the issue here is not whether it's wrong to watch one specific porn star 10-12 times. I've written many times above your issue is you don't trust him.  Your issue is you believe he lies.  So without trust there's no point in dating the person you don't trust.  You're allowed to have whatever standards you want and if the person has incompatible standards don't date him. 

For example I didn't go out again with a man who told me he used to get lap dances at strip clubs, he doesn't go anymore but he believes lap dances aren't sexual and aren't cheating.  I didn't date men who used illegal drugs. I didn't date men who regularly instead of very rarely drank to excess.  I strongly preferred not to date men who had had a lot of sexual partners and/or who were comfortable with casual sex.  I didn't date men who made sexual comments to me before we met and I didn't date men who made sexist comments about women.  

I know of many women who are totally fine with dating men and marrying men who do all of the above I wrote in this paragraph.  That is totally fine.  I knew my values, standards, dealbreakers and boundaries and I acted on them. 

Problem is you're not acting on yours and instead you're treating him like a child and interrogating him -that's not healthy and nor is a relationship where you don't trust or respect him.  As I've written many times. This specific porn star is simply a symbol of these deep incompatibilities and lack of trust.

[hannarivers]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Why would it be an issue if he felt sexually attracted to another person? Isn't that just being a normal human being?

And to be honest, I am the type of person who can only calm down if fully understands the situation. This is why I had questions to him about this specific pornstar. But now I am even more confused. He showed me a few vids he liked and told me he never looks at the face, he doesnt like all that acting. Then I asked if this is true because all of her vids are exactly like this : 10 minutes of her just acting and watching herself in the camera, then 5 minutes of sex, and 5 minutes watching herself. He told me I want to make him something he is not, because he didnt watch these scenes, he only likes when there is sex. This again confused me, because then there are better videos with longer sex scenes, why watch it ten times. I asked him to show me someone else he liked, and he said this "i watched this one because of the situations because I didnt find her attractive". Which again, makes me think he only watched that one girl because he liked her 

[hannarivers]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So that is why the issue here is not whether it's wrong to watch one specific porn star 10-12 times. I've written many times above your issue is you don't trust him.  Your issue is you believe he lies.  So without trust there's no point in dating the person you don't trust.  You're allowed to have whatever standards you want and if the person has incompatible standards don't date him. 

For example I didn't go out again with a man who told me he used to get lap dances at strip clubs, he doesn't go anymore but he believes lap dances aren't sexual and aren't cheating.  I didn't date men who used illegal drugs. I didn't date men who regularly instead of very rarely drank to excess.  I strongly preferred not to date men who had had a lot of sexual partners and/or who were comfortable with casual sex.  I didn't date men who made sexual comments to me before we met and I didn't date men who made sexist comments about women.  

I know of many women who are totally fine with dating men and marrying men who do all of the above I wrote in this paragraph.  That is totally fine.  I knew my values, standards, dealbreakers and boundaries and I acted on them. 

Problem is you're not acting on yours and instead you're treating him like a child and interrogating him -that's not healthy and nor is a relationship where you don't trust or respect him.  As I've written many times. This specific porn star is simply a symbol of these deep incompatibilities and lack of trust.

You are wrong about something. I DO trust him NOW. Because he showed me change in actions. He only lied to me once in 3 months about something stupid because he thought I was mad, because of my voice. And it was a small little nothing. He became mature when he broke me. I love this new him even more than the one I started dating. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, hannarivers said:

And to be honest, I am the type of person who can only calm down if fully understands the situation.

Well no - do you need to fully understand why a stranger is making lewd comments on a public bus directed at you or do you just need to get away ASAP or put in headphones? In this specific situation you didn't trust him and therefore you interrogated him.  If you trusted him as far as his actions concerning these videos you would have felt calm.  Trusting someone means you don't feel the urge to interrogate and you are able to resist the urge because your sense of security and trust overrides.  There's nothing to "understand" if you trust the person -then you need no more understanding.

Like if my husband takes a call in the other room I don't ask him who he was talking to -sometimes but nothing to do with trust. I don't need to "understand" who he is speaking with because I trust that his private call is appropriate.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

You are wrong about something. I DO trust him NOW. Because he showed me change in actions. He only lied to me once in 3 months about something stupid because he thought I was mad, because of my voice. And it was a small little nothing. He became mature when he broke me. I love this new him even more than the one I started dating. 

Oh I see -so you're not demanding answers anymore? And if you do trust him why are you so concerned about whether what he did in the past was "wrong?"

[Batya33]

On 5/13/2023 at 5:34 AM, hannarivers said:

but now I am the mean one for getting him mad each day by thousands of questions. I love this man, he is amazing, caring and loving, but this perversion.. Idk how to move on. I am a 24 old and he is 25

You wrote you now are asking thousands of questions.  You would ask zero if you trusted him IMO.