My boyfriend watched a specific pornstar and I feel betrayed by that

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, hannarivers said:

thanks to her perfect body and face. 

This is definitely a subject to discuss with the therapist. This has nothing to do with porn. This has to do with your self image and imagined competition.

[kehratha]

Either if it's with the same woman, either is not, watching porn is just a fantasy, is not real, will not become real. Don't make it real.

A therapist once gave me a piece of advise : if you ever catch one of your kids masturbating, pretend you didn't see anything. 

From my point of view, same goes for porn. You are both very young and everything may look like cheating. Is not 🙂 

[hannarivers]

3 minutes ago, kehratha said:

Either if it's with the same woman, either is not, watching porn is just a fantasy, is not real, will not become real. Don't make it real.

🙂

But can you be loyal and faithful with these kinds of fantasies? 

[kehratha]

5 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

But can you be loyal and faithful with these kinds of fantasies? 

For sure I CAN 🙂 and others can also.

[hannarivers]

1 minute ago, kehratha said:

For sure I CAN 🙂 and others can also.

Thank you. I just felt like all those years were lies. He never was the kind of man who likes to touch me every minute like I am an object, he never was like "oh, you just bent over, lets do it". So I immediately thought "wow, so he must have been like this because he was statisfyed with all those women". When in fact, he just probably doesnt see me as a sex object. He also is not the kind of person who says nice things about my appearance every time I look good. He told me he is really bad with words and every time he tries to compliment me, he says something weird. So probably, it was all in my head. I know he loves me, he hugs me like I would disappear. But Im still a bit insecure if he is attracted to me enough. I can see he loves sex with me, but those are my skills 

[kehratha]

2 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

Thank you. I just felt like all those years were lies. He never was the kind of man who likes to touch me every minute like I am an object, he never was like "oh, you just bent over, lets do it". So I immediately thought "wow, so he must have been like this because he was statisfyed with all those women". When in fact, he just probably doesnt see me as a sex object. He also is not the kind of person who says nice things about my appearance every time I look good. He told me he is really bad with words and every time he tries to compliment me, he says something weird. So probably, it was all in my head. I know he loves me, he hugs me like I would disappear. But Im still a bit insecure if he is attracted to me enough. I can see he loves sex with me, but those are my skills 

A guy who loves you will never say just "bend over" lol :))), I cannot understand how can you see something like that like a sign of him not being attracted ENOUGH to you, but I as I said you are young and insecure and that's fine as long as you don't sabotage a good relationship.

If everything else is fine and you were solely concerned on this porn matter, my guess is yeah it's all in your head. So I say enjoy yourself, your guy, and what you have 🙂 

 

[hannarivers]

1 minute ago, kehratha said:

A guy who loves you will never say just "bend over" lol :))), I cannot understand how can you see something like that like a sign of him not being attracted ENOUGH to you, but I as I said you are young and insecure and that's fine as long as you don't sabotage a good relationship.

If everything else is fine and you were solely concerned on this porn matter, my guess is yeah it's all in your head. So I say enjoy yourself, your guy, and what you have 🙂 

 

Thank you!! 🙂

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, hannarivers said:

All young men does something sexual outside the relationship. I dont know any man between 20-28 that doesnt watch either porn, magazine, instagram models, girls on the street, female characters in games, movies, anything to do with women. Because they are full of hormones. Women nurture, men reproduce. While a woman is capable to go days without needing sex or masturbation and not even thinking about it, men cant - they can have control, but they will think about it. My partner did this routine when he was 21-24 years old. Im not into older men, so basically I should accept that they are in some way like this. I am 23. So I dont know what I expected. 

Your assumptions are very concerning to me. And personally offensive.  And very likely will harm any friendships or relationships you have with men.  You are incorrect by the way IMO on the extent of your extreme generalizations.  

Oh and all humans have hormones, impulses, feelings and all humans who are healthy, typical, etc choose how to react to feelings and hormones and impulses.  Just like you say you learned how to control your anger.

I'd seek therapy but also go to the public library -ask for reputable books on human psychology and biology that a non-scientist can read and understand.  I also recommend looking at the website for the Mayo Clinic and also Martha Beck's website for both the medical and psychological approach so you can start to gather information that explains most of these issues and in a nuanced way without resorting to these damaging generalizations about men and women.  Good luck.

[bluecastle]

I'm curious: 

If your boyfriend had an intellectually stimulating conversation with a woman who was not you, before you were together, would you be upset? What about if he read a novel written by a woman, found himself moved emotionally, felt momentarily seen and understood by her words, and went on to reread and read more of her work? Would you be upset, feel betrayed, deem him to be "obsessed" with this author or have a "connection" to her in a way that is destructive to your relationship? 

 

[hannarivers]

13 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

I'm curious: 

If your boyfriend had an intellectually stimulating conversation with a woman who was not you, before you were together, would you be upset? What about if he read a novel written by a woman, found himself moved emotionally, felt momentarily seen and understood by her words, and went on to reread and read more of her work? Would you be upset, feel betrayed, deem him to be "obsessed" with this author or have a "connection" to her in a way that is destructive to your relationship? 

 

This is completely different. Finding someone attractive enough to go back ten times to jerk off is different than reading a book.  And how is it not destructive if you like someone and give them this much attention. 

[boltnrun]

7 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

This is completely different. Finding someone attractive enough to go back ten times to jerk off is different than reading a book.  And how is it not destructive if you like someone and give them this much attention. 

Obviously you don't trust him, think he's a liar and think what he did is "disgusting". There's no reason to be in a relationship with someone you view so negatively. 

[bluecastle]

8 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

This is completely different. Finding someone attractive enough to go back ten times to jerk off is different than reading a book. 

Maybe to you, and it may be worth exploring why you see it as so different.

The impression your posts give is that you are very caught up in women, their looks, prettiness, and all that, in ways that have fostered some very deep and potent insecurities in you, a way of gauging your own value on how your looks are prized and processed by men.

On the other hand, if you were as caught up in being valued for your intellectual prowess, with a similar distortion field, and similar insecurities, you would maybe feel betrayed if you knew your boyfriend had found someone else's mind attractive enough to keep going back to for pleasure. 

[hannarivers]

35 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Obviously you don't trust him, think he's a liar and think what he did is "disgusting". There's no reason to be in a relationship with someone you view so negatively. 

I dont just view him like that. I also talked about all the things I love about him. And you know, people are wrong, many times. The point in me coming here is to know if I am in the wrong for my perception, so I can change that. 

[hannarivers]

30 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

 

On the other hand, if you were as caught up in being valued for your intellectual prowess, with a similar distortion field, and similar insecurities, you would maybe feel betrayed if you knew your boyfriend had found someone else's mind attractive enough to keep going back to for pleasure. 

You are right about this part. But I am caught up on this because men do actually choose porn by looks (if not, they choose by kinks and this one is not my case). So obviously, I am curious about that. To be honest, I dont really care if he saw 80 pretty women - I care about the one he chose to watch a couple more times. Because in my brain, as I said before, this indicates some "connection", like, when you see a hot chick in a coffee shop and you go back each week to see her. 

[Batya33]

Just now, hannarivers said:

You are right about this part. But I am caught up on this because men do actually choose porn by looks (if not, they choose by kinks and this one is not my case). So obviously, I am curious about that. To be honest, I dont really care if he saw 80 pretty women - I care about the one he chose to watch a couple more times. Because in my brain, as I said before, this indicates some "connection", like, when you see a hot chick in a coffee shop and you go back each week to see her. 

You have no idea what "men" or "women" do with respect to porn.  People are individuals -treat your bf like one -and -perhaps -a person you respect and admire (if not say -buh bye - you're not a good match).  

Yes- he may have a type of physical features he is attracted to.  Some people do.  Do you think so badly of your bf that you feel that just because he finds certain physical features attractive this means he'd actually want to be with that person in a romantic relationship instead of you? That would be enough for him to react by pursuing a woman who had those physical features? That's a "connection??"

[bluecastle]

Just now, hannarivers said:

But I am caught up on this because men do actually choose porn by looks

Just going to say it clearly: As a man, I have found every generalization about men in this thread to be offensive, juvenile, and inaccurate, almost to the point where I'm rendered speechless and have no idea how to respond. 

But, yeah, people tend to be attracted to types. To which I say: So what? Before porn was so widely accessible, men and women had posters of celebrities on their walls, which likely served as occasional grist for auto-erotic stimulation. That's not "connection." It's about as far from connection as you can get.

 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Just going to say it clearly: As a man, I have found every generalization about men in this thread to be offensive, juvenile, and inaccurate, almost to the point where I'm rendered speechless and have no idea how to respond. 

But, yeah, people tend to be attracted to types. To which I say: So what? Before porn was so widely accessible, men and women had posters of celebrities on their walls, which likely served as occasional grist for auto-erotic stimulation. That's not "connection." It's about as far from connection as you can get.

 

I had a poster of John Stamos on my wall as a teenager - I mean it was more like wallpaper -didn't stare at him incessantly but yup he was hot, he was my type.  I dated and was attracted to men who had all sorts of physical features.  The one thing they had in common -if we actually dated seriously -they'd never have generalized about women in the way I see the OP generalizing about men - those who did make such comments -whether about women, men or people from particular ethnic or religious or racial backgrounds - were not people I cared to associate with in any meaningful way. 

[hannarivers]

6 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Just going to say it clearly: As a man, I have found every generalization about men in this thread to be offensive, juvenile, and inaccurate, almost to the point where I'm rendered speechless and have no idea how to respond. 

But, yeah, people tend to be attracted to types. To which I say: So what? Before porn was so widely accessible, men and women had posters of celebrities on their walls, which likely served as occasional grist for auto-erotic stimulation. That's not "connection." It's about as far from connection as you can get.

 

Im sorry if anything offended you. I just talk about my experiences I earned from talking to male friends. As I said, if a man watches porn with ordinary sex scenes, nothing he couldnt get, he probably chooses one with a person he finds hot. And I didnt mean connection as "he would want to date her romantically instead of me", I meant that he would rather f her instead of me, because she is his porn-ideal-type. And while I generalize men, I just talked about what I see from my boyfriend. If he would at least watch something kinky, I wouldnt feel like it is most likely about the women. He also admitted that he found her hot, that is why he watched 

[Batya33]

23 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

Im sorry if anything offended you. I just talk about my experiences I earned from talking to male friends. As I said, if a man watches porn with ordinary sex scenes, nothing he couldnt get, he probably chooses one with a person he finds hot. And I didnt mean connection as "he would want to date her romantically instead of me", I meant that he would rather f her instead of me, because she is his porn-ideal-type. And while I generalize men, I just talked about what I see from my boyfriend. If he would at least watch something kinky, I wouldnt feel like it is most likely about the women. He also admitted that he found her hot, that is why he watched 

It is offensive to generalize as you do about men and now it's just based on your male friends? And that's enough for you to regard men as thinking only with their penises or "hormones?"  Why are you interrogating him about his feelings about a woman on a screen?

So you think your boyfriend would have intercourse with a stranger who is a porn star if he had the opportunity? Is he that focused on porn that he has a "porn-ideal type?" 

You don't seem to admire or respect him, or believe him to be a person of character and integrity and you treat him like an immature child. He deserves someone who regards him as an equal, and who trusts him.  

[bluecastle]

26 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

He also admitted that he found her hot, that is why he watched 

He "admitted" this? But this is obvious. 

Human beings, men and women, have been masturbating for millions of years. When they do? They often think about something that is "hot" or some scenario they find "hot." They do this when they are single, and when they are partnered up. Big whoop. 

38 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

I meant that he would rather f her instead of me, because she is his porn-ideal-type.

I can't help but think that this is a preexisting fear of yours: that him (or any man) would want to "f" another woman instead of you. Porn, in general and in analyzing/policing his use, makes for an easy way to indulge this fear.

But if you were posting this in 1998? I think you'd be writing about a video on MTV featuring some saucepan that triggered this fear.

And until you find a way to see this fear as something to explore in you, and get a handle on, I fear that you're going to struggle to view men as fully fleshed human beings rather than as people who can either soothe these fears of yours or trigger them. 

 

[hannarivers]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It is offensive to generalize as you do about men and now it's just based on your male friends? And that's enough for you to regard men as thinking only with their penises or "hormones?"  Why are you interrogating him about his feelings about a woman on a screen?

So you think your boyfriend would have intercourse with a stranger who is a porn star if he had the opportunity? Is he that focused on porn that he has a "porn-ideal type?" 

You don't seem to admire or respect him, or believe him to be a person of character and integrity and you treat him like an immature child. He deserves someone who regards him as an equal, and who trusts him.  

I read around 300 men's comments on reddit, talking about the fact that majority of them have a favorite, "ideal type" they like to watch. For someone its a blonde one with big boobs, for an other is a 20 year old girl who is a brunette. Of course mine has a type, too. Every one likes a specific look. 

[hannarivers]

1 minute ago, bluecastle said:

He "admitted" this? But this is obvious. 

Human beings, men and women, have been masturbating for millions of years. When they do? They often think about something that is "hot" or some scenario they find "hot." They do this when they are single, and when they are partnered up. Big whoop. 

I can't help but think that this is a preexisting fear of yours: that him (or any man) would want to "f" another woman instead of you. Porn, in general and in analyzing/policing his use, makes for an easy way to indulge this fear.

But if you were posting this in 1998? I think you'd be writing about a video on MTV featuring some saucepan that triggered this fear.

And until you find a way to see this fear as something to explore in you, and get a handle on, I fear that you're going to struggle to view men as fully fleshed human beings rather than as people who can either soothe these fears of yours or trigger them. 

 

I do get it, that I have fears. Many fears we have are never going to become reality. But it IS the reality, that he found someone attractive enough to watch multiple times. I dont understand why it isnt a valid fear. I do fear that the person I love is fantasizing about sleeping with someone else. Because even tho I have fantasies, I would never even imagine to sleep with someone else other than him. 

[boltnrun]

16 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

I read around 300 men's comments on reddit, talking about the fact that majority of them have a favorite, "ideal type" they like to watch. For someone its a blonde one with big boobs, for an other is a 20 year old girl who is a brunette. Of course mine has a type, too. Every one likes a specific look. 

My husband resembles David Duchovny. I watched X-Files a lot. Still do. I would not choose to replace my husband with David Duchovny. I did not wish I was having sex with David Duchovny while having sex with my husband.

Your assertions are erroneous. And offensive.

[hannarivers]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

My husband resembles David Duchovny. I watched X-Files a lot. Still do. I would not choose to replace my husband with David Duchovny.

Your assertions are erroneous. And offensive.

You are a mature woman, not a 24 year old young man. As one said before, women nurture, men are meant to spread seeds. Considering this, they instinctly like more women. Im sure he would never ever cheat on me, but Im not sure if he doesnt have fantasies of doing so while watching these actresses

[Wonderstruck]

22 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

My husband resembles David Duchovny. I watched X-Files a lot. Still do. I would not choose to replace my husband with David Duchovny. I did not wish I was having sex with David Duchovny while having sex with my husband.

Your assertions are erroneous. And offensive.

Your HUSBAND?!

You've mentioned REPEATEDLY on this forum that you have been happily single for YEARS.