My boyfriend watched a specific pornstar and I feel betrayed by that

[hannarivers]

20 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You wrote you now are asking thousands of questions.  You would ask zero if you trusted him IMO.

It is not about trust. I know he would never hit me. I know he would never cheat phisically. I know he would never chat with a girl who is interested in him or the other way. I know he would never leave me in a s1tty situation. I know he would never tell me I am not enough, or that there is something diagusting about me (eg. a rush on my butt, I dont know). I know he would always come and pick me up if I needed him. This is trust. I have bad feelings with porn, so I dont trust any man with this topic. And I dont know any man who never liked porn, and tbh, I dont want to walk around the earth or use 5 dating apps to find one who never in his life enjoyed porn. So no, I trust him with women who talk to him, who he talks to, and who is around him. I just dont trust him with porn, because I dont understand a men's relationship with porn. I know we have no right to be in a person's mind. But if a man IMAGINES he is having sex with others, he is just with me because he cant have others or he is lazy to go sleep around. If he just enjoys a nice body for 10 minutes, its fine. But it is not fine to think of sleeping with them. And since I dont know what men think about porn and while watching it, this is why I dont trust it. This is why I wanted to mostly ask men if this situation means he wants to sleep with her 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

It is not about trust. I know he would never hit me. I know he would never cheat phisically. I know he would never chat with a girl who is interested in him or the other way. I know he would never leave me in a s1tty situation. I know he would never tell me I am not enough, or that there is something diagusting about me (eg. a rush on my butt, I dont know). I know he would always come and pick me up if I needed him. This is trust. I have bad feelings with porn, so I dont trust any man with this topic.

Wow.  Why go there with abuse? That's really concerning.

It doesn't matter if you trust he would never cheat or -what?? hit you? -why would that even be part of this conversation?

If you have decided that no man can ever be trusted with porn find someone who never watches porn and feels as you do. He is not the right person.  There are many people who do not watch porn and many people who do not watch porn because they do not feel like it and also for specific reasons -like relgious/moral/ethical.   

He deserves to be in a relationship where he is not treated as lumped into "Men" who "can't be trusted" with porn because you have bad feelings/baggage about it.  That's fine. Let him find a woman who is fine with how he interacts with porn.  You are not that person.  He deserves respect.  Thousands of questions is disrespectful and consistent with you not trusting him when it comes to his porn viewing.

I would never be with a man who lumped me in with Women in any way like you lump him in with Men.  Not a way to live and unfair.

[bluecastle]

14 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

I have bad feelings with porn, so I dont trust any man with this topic.

Fine.

Then break up with him, end stop, and when you date again make it priority to find someone who shares your views on porn. Are they minority views? Yes. But so are certain religious views, political views, not believing in monogamy, believing sex should only happen in marriage, and so on, and such people find likeminded partners all the time.

That said, in your core of cores I think you know this isn't really about porn, but some very deep fears and insecurities. Until those are faced head on, by looking inward, you will find they'll just keep surfacing, wreaking havoc on your spirit and romantic relationships.   

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, hannarivers said:

I just dont trust him with porn, because I dont understand a men's relationship with porn. I know we have no right to be in a person's mind. But if a man IMAGINES he is having sex with others, he is just with me because he cant have others or he is lazy to go sleep around.

If you truly believe this, why stay with him?

You are allowing your rigid beliefs to destroy your peace of mind. 

Leave him and find a man who believes as you do, that masturbating to porn is cheating and would never do it. 

[hannarivers]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Wow.  Why go there with abuse? That's really concerning.

It doesn't matter if you trust he would never cheat or -what?? hit you? -why would that even be part of this conversation?

If you have decided that no man can ever be trusted with porn find someone who never watches porn and feels as you do. He is not the right person.  There are many people who do not watch porn and many people who do not watch porn because they do not feel like it and also for specific reasons -like relgious/moral/ethical.   

He deserves to be in a relationship where he is not treated as lumped into "Men" who "can't be trusted" with porn because you have bad feelings/baggage about it.  That's fine. Let him find a woman who is fine with how he interacts with porn.  You are not that person.  He deserves respect.  Thousands of questions is disrespectful and consistent with you not trusting him when it comes to his porn viewing.

I would never be with a man who lumped me in with Women in any way like you lump him in with Men.  Not a way to live and unfair.

This is for the last 3 replies. It took 3 years to find out he watches porn. Im not a hoe to go thru dozens of men to find ONE that never watch porn. Im not religious, I dont want a man like that. I dont want a rigid man either. I dont want a feminist. I want an "average" man, but they do actually look at porn. And I freakin love my man. I love everything, even his faults. I love him knowing he lies sometimes, because he is avoiding any kind of conflict. I love him, his good, his bad. I just want to accept his porn habits somehow, because he is the one who should be by my side in ten, twenty and more years. I just dont know how. You cant tell a beginner to write the perfect book by not giving any advice on how to achieve that. 

[boltnrun]

Many people have advised you to work with your therapist on this. But you kept saying the problem is him, not you. 

[hannarivers]

12 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Many people have advised you to work with your therapist on this. But you kept saying the problem is him, not you. 

I never said that the problem is not me. I know well that I have maaaaany problems. And I never said he has a porblem. I was just curious about male perspective, because I truly dont know that if a man watched the same person for eg ten times, that it means he is overly attracted, or just "meh, she is good, lets watch again" 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, hannarivers said:

. My therapist told me that I was a person who didnt create an environment where he could be honest, so he lied. 

Trust your therapist, this seems like worthwhile insight.

[bluecastle]

1 hour ago, hannarivers said:

I have bad feelings with porn, so I dont trust any man with this topic.

9 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

I want an "average" man, but they do actually look at porn.

Look at these two statements back to back. No, really. Read them one more time. 

It's a bit like me saying I want to move somewhere rainy and not get wet and asking you how to achieve this. To which you might be tempted to advise: Well, Blue, you either gotta reconsider where you want to live or learn to deal with your issues about getting wet, since locking yourself inside every time it rains is going to make you batty.

Meanwhile, this here...

17 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

I just want to accept his porn habits somehow

...is going to be flat-out impossible until this mindset...

1 hour ago, hannarivers said:

But if a man IMAGINES he is having sex with others, he is just with me because he cant have others or he is lazy to go sleep around.

...comes to be viewed, by you, as balderdash, the afterglow of explosive insecurities, a you thing, not a him thing. 

7 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

I was just curious about male perspective, because I truly dont know that if a man watched the same person for eg ten times, that it means he is overly attracted, or just "meh, she is good, lets watch again" 

My perspective—as an adult human, far more than a "male"—is that the private erotic life of other people, including those we are in relationships with, should be respected as something you can never fully understand and can never control. And if you can't operate like this with someone, for whatever reasons, it means they are not the right someone for you and/or you are not quite ready to be with another person. 

[hannarivers]

6 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

that the private erotic life of other people, including those we are in relationships with, should be respected as something you can never fully understand and can never control.

With this, you say, that in a healthy loving relationship, it is allowed to have sexual fantasies about other people? 

[boltnrun]

Just now, hannarivers said:

With this, you say, that in a healthy loving relationship, it is allowed to have sexual fantasies about other people? 

"Allowed'?

You think you should have the right to control someone else's personal thoughts?

Yeah, you're going to continue to struggle when you have that mindset.

[bluecastle]

2 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

With this, you say, that in a healthy loving relationship, it is allowed to have sexual fantasies about other people? 

Short answer: Yes.

Longer answer: Our imaginations and erotic lives are wildly mysterious, even to ourselves. Just as a billboard for a plastic surgeon who does butt lifts can instill a momentary erotic charge in someone, so too can a gust of wind, a bed a flowers, the scent of cologne of a stranger who walks past you to use the bathroom of Starbucks. Sometimes masturbation is part of this personal, private constellation. 

Most important answer: 

11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

"Allowed'?

You think you should have the right to control someone else's personal thoughts?

Yeah, you're going to continue to struggle when you have that mindset.

 

[hannarivers]

13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

"Allowed'?

You think you should have the right to control someone else's personal thoughts?

Yeah, you're going to continue to struggle when you have that mindset.

No. But we should know by ourselves that we shouldnt have fantasies about others 

[Batya33]

49 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

I never said that the problem is not me. I know well that I have maaaaany problems. And I never said he has a porblem. I was just curious about male perspective, because I truly dont know that if a man watched the same person for eg ten times, that it means he is overly attracted, or just "meh, she is good, lets watch again" 

I would think a typical heterosexual male's perspective is "I want to be with a woman in a serious relationship who trusts that even if I watch porn I want to be with her and only her in a committed relationship"

[Batya33]

30 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

With this, you say, that in a healthy loving relationship, it is allowed to have sexual fantasies about other people? 

Yes for sure.  And in many cases it makes the relationship even better!

[tattoobunnie]

On 5/13/2023 at 8:36 AM, hannarivers said:

I guess that you are a man. Then, can you tell me why would a man watch the same actress again and again if there is no connection? And again, lets say Im no worse than his favorite, tbh I find myself even better looking. Wouldnt a man need to watch the prettiest girl if he had an ugly girlfriend? Doesnt a pretty actress make a man find his own less pretty? 

I am completely heterosexual, and there are some women porn stars I see by name, and know it's going to get me off, and I watch it.  I have zero romantic interest in any porn stars, nor do I want to be friends with them.  I am happily married with kids.  Sometimes, ya just want to masturbate quick, and everyone should have a right to get off the way they need to as long as it isn't illegal.  Some people love feet. Others like to peed on.  As Freud says, the only wrong way to get your freak on is to not have any sex at all.

[hannarivers]

47 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

I am completely heterosexual, and there are some women porn stars I see by name, and know it's going to get me off, and I watch it.  I have zero romantic interest in any porn stars, nor do I want to be friends with them.  I am happily married with kids.  Sometimes, ya just want to masturbate quick, and everyone should have a right to get off the way they need to as long as it isn't illegal.  Some people love feet. Others like to peed on.  As Freud says, the only wrong way to get your freak on is to not have any sex at all.

I get the process of masturbation, and I get that porn is an easy way. I made peace with my boyfriend watching porn again in the near future. As many misunderstood, I dont want to control him anymore, I dont want him to live in a cage. We surely will talk about the method that is good for both of us - for example, I would not be okay with him masturbating at 7pm when I get home at 8pm and we could be having real sex, but I would be okay with him doing it if I am 100% not having sex with him that day. I am aware of the serious problems with my beliefs and thinking that every one talks about. Although, I will say it again : my problem is not porn anymore, my porblem is not understanding the reasons for watching the same person on ten different days. MY beliefs said it is because he has a crush on her. My partner said it is because "I dont like many of them, most of them I watch only for the situation, she has nice videos and she looks good". We could have had an arguement on how good those videos really are (as I said, it is 10 minutes of her face, acting pretty, watching herself, and 5 minutes action) but we hadnt, I just left it, with him saying "yes, and I watch that 5 minutes, I dont care about her face and fake acting". Now it is up to me to either believe it (she just has a nice body, he doesnt care about her face and those 5 mins are enough for him) or think he lies (he is into her face) 

 

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

my problem is not porn anymore, my porblem is not understanding the reasons for watching the same person on ten different days. MY beliefs said it is because he has a crush on her. My partner said it is because "I dont like many of them, most of them I watch only for the situation, she has nice videos and she looks good". We could have had an arguement on how good those videos really are (as I said, it is 10 minutes of her face, acting pretty, watching herself, and 5 minutes action) but we hadnt, I just left it, with him saying "yes, and I watch that 5 minutes, I dont care about her face and fake acting". Now it is up to me to either believe it (she just has a nice body, he doesnt care about her face and those 5 mins are enough for him) or think he lies (he is into her face) 

Your problems are:  you want to control when he masturbates depending on your sex plans with him (are you trying to conceive? and what if he's not in the mood even if he didn't masturbate -are you ok with being romantic/sexual and not having intercourse or must he perform as you have proclaimed?).  

If you're still arguing with him about this same old same old then you don't trust him.  If you trusted him you would not care if he had a crush on a person or porn star.  If you trusted him it wouldn't occur to you that he was lying.  

You're not entitled to "understand" the reasons and anyway he told you already. The reasons are ...... drum roll...... People move towards pleasure and away from pain.  It pleases him to see this particular porn star.  He told you so.  He likes how she looks.  He likes how you look, apparently. 

Does he have a crush on her? Maybe.  Like I said I had a radio crush for years.  It didn't concern me at all as far as the health of my marriage -it was fun to have a radio crush!  And - if i'd wanted to I could have met him in person -gone to one of his events and seen him in. the. flesh.  I didn't because I didn't care to -I enjoyed having a little radio crush from a distance!

Did I tell my husband? Nope.  If he asked would I tell him -sure! But guess what -it would never occur to him to ask me if I ever crushed on anyone outside of our marriage cause...... he trusts me!  I've never asked him.

By contrast -when 6 months ago we were driving in a city he used to live in with my son in the car and he was pointing out landmarks then randomly said "oh and that's where [name of his ex girlfriend] lived!" I was surprised -he hadn't mentioned her in years -I asked him why -he said it was random - my son asked "who is that?" and I told him. 

Later he apologized because it was one of those comments we didn't need to hear but I didn't interrogate him to "understand" why "do you still like her?? are you still in touch with her regularly??" I didn't need to understand -I believed he blurted it out, I believed he realized it was awkward, I "understand" him and our marriage. The end. 

An insecure person (like you for example) likely would have kept bringing it up especially since we were in that neighborhood again during our vacation.  That's the difference.  You keep focusing on this one porn star. Please know that's not the real issue.  You know that, right?

[hannarivers]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Your problems are:  you want to control when he masturbates depending on your sex plans with him (are you trying to conceive? and what if he's not in the mood even if he didn't masturbate -are you ok with being romantic/sexual and not having intercourse or must he perform as you have proclaimed?).  

If you're still arguing with him about this same old same old then you don't trust him.  If you trusted him you would not care if he had a crush on a person or porn star.  If you trusted him it wouldn't occur to you that he was lying.  

You're not entitled to "understand" the reasons and anyway he told you already. The reasons are ...... drum roll...... People move towards pleasure and away from pain.  It pleases him to see this particular porn star.  He told you so.  He likes how she looks.  He likes how you look, apparently. 

Does he have a crush on her? Maybe.  Like I said I had a radio crush for years.  It didn't concern me at all as far as the health of my marriage -it was fun to have a radio crush!  And - if i'd wanted to I could have met him in person -gone to one of his events and seen him in. the. flesh.  I didn't because I didn't care to -I enjoyed having a little radio crush from a distance!

Did I tell my husband? Nope.  If he asked would I tell him -sure! But guess what -it would never occur to him to ask me if I ever crushed on anyone outside of our marriage cause...... he trusts me!  I've never asked him.

By contrast -when 6 months ago we were driving in a city he used to live in with my son in the car and he was pointing out landmarks then randomly said "oh and that's where [name of his ex girlfriend] lived!" I was surprised -he hadn't mentioned her in years -I asked him why -he said it was random - my son asked "who is that?" and I told him. 

Later he apologized because it was one of those comments we didn't need to hear but I didn't interrogate him to "understand" why "do you still like her?? are you still in touch with her regularly??" I didn't need to understand -I believed he blurted it out, I believed he realized it was awkward, I "understand" him and our marriage. The end. 

An insecure person (like you for example) likely would have kept bringing it up especially since we were in that neighborhood again during our vacation.  That's the difference.  You keep focusing on this one porn star. Please know that's not the real issue.  You know that, right?

Thinking that someone tells the truth ALWAYS just bc, you trust them is stupid. Moms lie to kids. Friends lie to friends, so they wouldnt worry. 

"But guess what -it would never occur to him to ask me if I ever crushed on anyone outside of our marriage cause...... he trusts me!" Oh god, so its okay to do everything if I trust someone? Or do I only trust them if I dont think any bad about them? No. I have to trust him to not cheat, but it is not about trust if I believe he has a fantasy

[Batya33]

Just now, hannarivers said:

Thinking that someone tells the truth ALWAYS just bc, you trust them is stupid. Moms lie to kids. Friends lie to friends, so they wouldnt worry. 

"But guess what -it would never occur to him to ask me if I ever crushed on anyone outside of our marriage cause...... he trusts me!" Oh god, so its okay to do everything if I trust someone? Or do I only trust them if I dont think any bad about them? No. I have to trust him to not cheat, but it is not about trust if I believe he has a fantasy

Now you're twisting my words and getting bizarrely defensive against people trying to help.  You don't trust him on the important stuff.  I don't trust my husband when he promises to declutter or promises to remember to put our various appointments in his reminders.  

It is about trust because you believe he has a crush on her or a fantasy crush - and you believe this means that it affects his desire to be with you.  You don't trust that he desires you and is committed to you such that a crush on a pornstar wouldn't affect that commitment or desire at all.  

Trust in a committed relationship means you believe he is who he says he is, that he is committed to you and cares for you (not only that he doesn't cheat or wouldn't -heaven forbid!! - hit you - but that he would have your back, not choose to focus on a pornstar instead of you, not lie to you about his commitment to you) - that you respect his word on important stuff.

You don't trust men who watch porn.  That's huge because your boyfriend watches porn.  So to you he is guilty till proven innocent.

What's "unintelligent" is your insistence on focusing on a pornstar.  You're getting in your own way because you could be spending time focusing on what's really important -and concerning -here.

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

but it is not about trust if I believe he has a fantasy

Good luck controlling anyone's "fantasies". You will never, ever find anyone who has never had a single thought about anyone but you.

Does your therapist agree your boyfriend should only have you on his mind 100% of the time?

Also, how many times is acceptable to you for him to watch this particular actress? Five? Seven? What is the cutoff?

[bluecastle]

1 hour ago, hannarivers said:

As many misunderstood, I dont want to control him anymore, I dont want him to live in a cage. We surely will talk about the method that is good for both of us - for example, I would not be okay with him masturbating at 7pm when I get home at 8pm and we could be having real sex, but I would be okay with him doing it if I am 100% not having sex with him that day.

I'm sorry, but this is control. I am saying that not in judgement, but just in hopes that you can realize it and make some adjustments.

You are, in essence, saying he can masturbate when you deem it okay based on your own sexual desires, sexual schedule, and perspectives on human sexuality.

Let's say, in theory, he agrees to this, as I suspect he has if only to make the shaming go away. Is he supposed to call you and say, "Hey babe—quick check in. I'm thinking of masturbating in a minute, but wanted to know if you're 100 percent not having sex with me today first?"

And what happens when, God forbid, he's just not in the mood when you are, which is quite common? Are you understanding of this shade of his humanity, or do you assume he broke your masturbation rules? Do you press him on what he's really been up to and/or tap back into whatever spyware you've been using to keep track of his computer?

Fun fact: People can masturbate and have sex in the same day, even within the same hour. But that's kind of beside the point, as I don't think any of this here is about masturbation or pornography, but something you're very reluctant to look at honestly. 

[bluecastle]

Oooops—double post. 

[hannarivers]

Seems like you guys dont understand the effects of porn. If he masturbates every time he feels a bit like it, he will consume enough to not desire real sex. My friend literally ruined his relationship with this. He felt like growing apart. Yeah, but he did it with jerking off each day. He didnt know why he couldnt desire his partner anymore. After the break up, he was so depressed that he stopped porn and guess what, his desire for real people cams back. My friend is a quite smart person. He simply wasnt able to realize what he had done because "why would five mins of porn a day be bad?!" My partner desires me so much more since he is on a no porn break. What an idea to assume that even porn twice a week can affect you (his is about how much he did). So, yes, I will talk to him and any partner I would have to not jerk off to porn every second day. Not as healthy as you guys say. To tell you another example, this is about my female friend. She literally thought she was asexual because she never wanted to be with her partner. In reality? She just had low libido and all those monthly 5-6 times she was horny, she used on masturbating. Masturbation can take away your mood for sex. Stay single if mastudbation is better for you than sex. They both should be present, but M should not be over S most of the time 

[hannarivers]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Good luck controlling anyone's "fantasies". You will never, ever find anyone who has never had a single thought about anyone but you.

Does your therapist agree your boyfriend should only have you on his mind 100% of the time?

Also, how many times is acceptable to you for him to watch this particular actress? Five? Seven? What is the cutoff?

Good question. But cant give a serious answer. If it was 4-5 times I would be like, ok, probably good vids. 10-11 times feels like, I wanna asleep with her so bad