My boyfriend watched a specific pornstar and I feel betrayed by that

[Batya33]

17 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

Good question. But cant give a serious answer. If it was 4-5 times I would be like, ok, probably good vids. 10-11 times feels like, I wanna asleep with her so bad

And if he wants to put his penis in another woman that is not ok with you for him to have those thoughts.  
also then do NOT date men who travel for business a lot. My husband does. I know he’s likely surrounded in person with attractive women regularly.  Gosh what if he sees the same hot looking woman 10-12 times in one day during a trip. Oh no !   Should he look away ??
Should he report to me if he’s near an attractive woman or women regularly during his trip and then should I ask him if he was turned on and if so was it after time 5 or 10?  

According to you I need to gather this information and if he insists on doing a job where he’s regularly around attractive women - without me there even - I mean he should quit right??

see how ludicrous it gets?

[itsallgrand]

How would you feel if you were in his shoes? And he was coming at you for the porn you watched before getting together with him? Accusing you of being a woman, and we all know women can't control themselves because I've heard it through men I know, and you want to sleep with those men in the porn you watched . And he totally believed it and went through your phone and went nuts on you? And then was like, oh actually I forgive you but now you must report and no masturbating before I want sex? 

Can you see how controlling and off kilter that is and how you can never relax with someone like that? Never just be. And be seen as yourself? It's all filtered through the insecurities and assumptions, always negative? 

[hannarivers]

48 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

And if he wants to put his penis in another woman that is not ok with you for him to have those thoughts.  
also then do NOT date men who travel for business a lot. My husband does. I know he’s likely surrounded in person with attractive women regularly.  Gosh what if he sees the same hot looking woman 10-12 times in one day during a trip. Oh no !   Should he look away ??
Should he report to me if he’s near an attractive woman or women regularly during his trip and then should I ask him if he was turned on and if so was it after time 5 or 10?  

According to you I need to gather this information and if he insists on doing a job where he’s regularly around attractive women - without me there even - I mean he should quit right??

see how ludicrous it gets?

Your hubby doesnt jerk off to those people. Mine does jerk off to this porn. 

[hannarivers]

37 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

How would you feel if you were in his shoes? And he was coming at you for the porn you watched before getting together with him? Accusing you of being a woman, and we all know women can't control themselves because I've heard it through men I know, and you want to sleep with those men in the porn you watched . And he totally believed it and went through your phone and went nuts on you? And then was like, oh actually I forgive you but now you must report and no masturbating before I want sex? 

Can you see how controlling and off kilter that is and how you can never relax with someone like that? Never just be. And be seen as yourself? It's all filtered through the insecurities and assumptions, always negative? 

I would gladly have less M sessions for us, to have good sex. For me, shared intimacy and the quality of it is much more important. If I lied to him for years, I would justify his actions, going thru my phone. We are individuals, but dont act like men and women are exactly the same. They have much more hormones which lead to wanting more sexual activity. While I was outside living my life, my boyfriend watched porn each day. He IS obviously more into sexual desires than I am. So it is more likely for him to want others than it is for me. I didnt even have sex with my first partner, the second I had very few times with, I didnt care about sex. My boyfriends browser history was all about sex, when I wasnt even keen on it. So my assumptions that he has fantasies and I dont are based on that 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

Your hubby doesnt jerk off to those people. Mine does jerk off to this porn. 

I don't know if he does or not.  Would never occur to me to ask because I trust that he loves and respects me and respects our commitment.  So even if he did that wouldn't change a thing -nor would I have to "understand" why. 

A person can later think of a person and visualize the person and orgasm -man or woman.  So -if you date someone who is regularly around attractive women please know that they can do that later on.  No device or video needed.  That would violate your personal standards as well.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, hannarivers said:

They have much more hormones which lead to wanting more sexual activity. While I was outside living my life, my boyfriend watched porn each day. He IS obviously more into sexual desires than I am. So it is more likely for him to want others than it is for me. I didnt even have sex with my first partner, the second I had very few times with, I didnt care about sex. My boyfriends browser history was all about sex, when I wasnt even keen on it. So my assumptions that he has fantasies and I dont are based on that 

Once again your gender-based assumptions -and how in particular you use them to infect and taint your relationship -are wrong.  I know many women who have high sex drives and many men who don't.  I know many people who have high sex drives and choose not to react by having more sex or watching porn.  Read all the prior posts -you're going in a circle again or were you lying to yourself about wanting to reevaluate your notions about "men"?

[hannarivers]

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Once again your gender-based assumptions -and how in particular you use them to infect and taint your relationship -are wrong.  I know many women who have high sex drives and many men who don't.  I know many people who have high sex drives and choose not to react by having more sex or watching porn.  Read all the prior posts -you're going in a circle again or were you lying to yourself about wanting to reevaluate your notions about "men"?

I dont care about men. I care about my man. And I know that sex and masturbation was a huge topic for him for years. I wanted to understand him, an no other. I wanted to know if my assumption (him having a fantasy) at the very beginning of our relationship (which should be the most fun part for a guy who never had a girl) was concerning. 

[boltnrun]

So everything's fine now but you demand answers about something that happened at the beginning of your relationship or when you two were broken up?

If your relationship is good now why do you bother obsessing over something from the past? And "I just want to UNDERSTAND!!!" is not an explanation.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

I dont care about men. I care about my man. And I know that sex and masturbation was a huge topic for him for years. I wanted to understand him, an no other. I wanted to know if my assumption (him having a fantasy) at the very beginning of our relationship (which should be the most fun part for a guy who never had a girl) was concerning. 

But you keep referring to your assumptions about all men so your ability to understand your man is hampered given all of your negative generalizations, assumptions and notions.  You even say here that a "guy who never had a girl"should have the most fun having  a fantasy -really?? So much for wanting to "understand" your men.  I think it is concerning -very -how you've reacted to your assumption.  If he did have a fantasy at the beginning no I personally would not find that concerning.  

If sex and masturbation was a "huge topic" to him for years -what does that mean -topic of what -conversation? his life was caught up in sex and masturbation? What does that even mean? 

[Jaunty]

It's very simple:  You are incompatible.  I happen to think that you have some issues that will interfere with you having a successful relationship with any guy until you get them sorted out.  For now, though, you and this guy?  Nope.

[hannarivers]

48 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

 

I think I already said this. Before we got together, he started watching this girl a few times. Then we got together and he continued to watch her a few more times again. This made me think he had a fantasy of her. In my opinion, the first few years of a relationship are the most exciting, espscially if one (my bf) never had a relationship before. So I thought that if he did have a fantasy while having his first relationship, that was concerning. Because I, myself, am very focused on a person at the beginning and could not even imagine to have fantasies about someone else. I cant explain it in a different way, hope it is clear this way. And to the person who said we should break up - leaving someone I love is not an option, family dont leave. I didnt leave when I found out about him lying about watching porn, even though I said it was cheating. Because now, deep down I know it is not, I just cant feel it yet. Sometimes brain and heart are not on the same page. So, no, not planning on quitting. I plan to CHANGE myself, and adapt. Because I surely know, I wont find a man who I like and he never liked porn. And I surely know that this one loves me, he just messed up with boundaries and lies, I messed up with different things. My solution is working on me, and this relationship. There is nothing I want more than a family with him, in the future 

[boltnrun]

So you are ready to move forward and stop demanding he give you answers and stop trying to get him to make you "understand"? 

Nothing wrong with exploring your feelings and reactions but that should be done with your therapist.

[hannarivers]

19 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So you are ready to move forward and stop demanding he give you answers and stop trying to get him to make you "understand"? 

Nothing wrong with exploring your feelings and reactions but that should be done with your therapist.

Therapy in my country is not free. So I can only afford once a month. This is why Im here. I do want to move on, but I dont know how to do it when all my life I could move on only if I understood things. 

[Batya33]

You wouldn't have to understand this specific situation beyond what he told you if you trusted his answer and if you didn't come with all the stuff and baggage mentioned above.  I can't relate to your assumptions, generalizations about men and relationships and porn etc or the way you analyze it - and I agree you need professional counseling.  I don't agree that you accept your boyfriend in the way that would be consistent with a healthy relationship and I don't think you two are compatible.  I agree with Jaunty.

[bluecastle]

28 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

I could move on only if I understood things. 

So you feel you understand it all now? 

My few cents: There is little here to understand, and that is all that needs to be understood. Your bf masturbated to porn and had a preference when doing so and explained this meant nothing. In this, he is totally normal, healthy, one of many millions of adult men and women on the planet. Nothing to be ashamed about, nothing more to explain to anyone, and generally not things ever discussed.

At some point, early on, you made a demand: no masturbating to porn. Being young and inexperienced, he did not yet know how to say, “Haha—and, um, this isn’t something I ever want to talk about. I think you’re great, but if this is crucial to you I think we’re a bad match.” Instead, he appeased your insecurities, validating them as justified, and probably figured he could just enjoy himself privately on occasion without the fuss, not knowing that you would eventually download spyware to keep tags on his cyber activity.

Because it’s often hard to look in the mirror and say “Whoa! I jumped the shark a few times over!” you instead have clung to a second “betrayal” in his “lies,” while insisting on applying meaning to something that has no meaning. This makes everyone crazy, as has happened here. He’s like, “I jerked off a few times—no biggie.” You’re all, “Just admit to me that you are nursing a feral crush on this porn star and want to have sex with her more than me!” No, he says. Yes, you say. Around and around, with each lap around the track upping the toxicity, to the point that even when he shows you porn and explains it you see ghosts instead of listening to him and hearing him  

And that’s now your dynamic, one where “understanding” is pushing him (or us, by proxy) to agree with a wildly extreme outlook that is fed by insecurities and has no bearing in reality. 

That help with the computing?

[spinstermanquee]

7 hours ago, hannarivers said:

With this, you say, that in a healthy loving relationship, it is allowed to have sexual fantasies about other people? 

Dear Hanna, one cannot police an UN-policeable item, which is another person's mind.  The porn is a red herring here.

Yes, in a healthy loving relationship people can FANTASIZE about whatever they want.  Actions are what count.  Words, images, movies, fantasies, claims, blabbering, blah blah blah mean nothing.

Never been into porn, hubs neither.  But that doesn't mean I don't have a rich imagination, it just means I have no need for "training" films.  For example, I could (although I don't) fantasize about doing a football team.  Would I actually do it?  Heck no, young male drool, germs galore, STDs, pregnancy etc.  Is it okay to fantasize about it?  Heck yeah.  No cheating required!  And hubs would not accuse me of cheating with a football team!  That would be silly, right?  When it only happened in my mind?

When I was single sometimes guys would be all butt hurt if I busted out the neck massager during coitus, like it was a commentary on their adequacy or lack thereof.  I had no patience for them.  Really?  You'd discount the little helper?  Why not get in on the action?

I'll leave you with that one.  If you like this guy get on board.  If you're too uncomfortable with his proclivities, jump ship and find someone closer to your expectations.  But stop with the policing!

[hannarivers]

26 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

So you feel you understand it all now? 

My few cents: There is little here to understand, and that is all that needs to be understood. Your bf masturbated to porn and had a preference when doing so and explained this meant nothing. In this, he is totally normal, healthy, one of many millions of adult men and women on the planet. Nothing to be ashamed about, nothing more to explain to anyone, and generally not things ever discussed.

At some point, early on, you made a demand: no masturbating to porn. Being young and inexperienced, he did not yet know how to say, “Haha—and, um, this isn’t something I ever want to talk about. I think you’re great, but if this is crucial to you I think we’re a bad match.” Instead, he appeased your insecurities, validating them as justified, and probably figured he could just enjoy himself privately on occasion without the fuss, not knowing that you would eventually download spyware to keep tags on his cyber activity.

Because it’s often hard to look in the mirror and say “Whoa! I jumped the shark a few times over!” you instead have clung to a second “betrayal” in his “lies,” while insisting on applying meaning to something that has no meaning. This makes everyone crazy, as has happened here. He’s like, “I jerked off a few times—no biggie.” You’re all, “Just admit to me that you are nursing a feral crush on this porn star and want to have sex with her more than me!” No, he says. Yes, you say. Around and around, with each lap around the track upping the toxicity, to the point that even when he shows you porn and explains it you see ghosts instead of listening to him and hearing him  

And that’s now your dynamic, one where “understanding” is pushing him (or us, by proxy) to agree with a wildly extreme outlook that is fed by insecurities and has no bearing in reality. 

That help with the computing?

This is one of the best replyes I got. Really sums up. Thanks

[hannarivers]

8 hours ago, bluecastle said:

So you feel you understand it all now? 

My few cents: There is little here to understand, and that is all that needs to be understood. Your bf masturbated to porn and had a preference when doing so and explained this meant nothing. In this, he is totally normal, healthy, one of many millions of adult men and women on the planet. Nothing to be ashamed about, nothing more to explain to anyone, and generally not things ever discussed.

At some point, early on, you made a demand: no masturbating to porn. Being young and inexperienced, he did not yet know how to say, “Haha—and, um, this isn’t something I ever want to talk about. I think you’re great, but if this is crucial to you I think we’re a bad match.” Instead, he appeased your insecurities, validating them as justified, and probably figured he could just enjoy himself privately on occasion without the fuss, not knowing that you would eventually download spyware to keep tags on his cyber activity.

Because it’s often hard to look in the mirror and say “Whoa! I jumped the shark a few times over!” you instead have clung to a second “betrayal” in his “lies,” while insisting on applying meaning to something that has no meaning. This makes everyone crazy, as has happened here. He’s like, “I jerked off a few times—no biggie.” You’re all, “Just admit to me that you are nursing a feral crush on this porn star and want to have sex with her more than me!” No, he says. Yes, you say. Around and around, with each lap around the track upping the toxicity, to the point that even when he shows you porn and explains it you see ghosts instead of listening to him and hearing him  

And that’s now your dynamic, one where “understanding” is pushing him (or us, by proxy) to agree with a wildly extreme outlook that is fed by insecurities and has no bearing in reality. 

That help with the computing?

Just one thing I wanted to clarify. "Just admit to me that you are nursing a feral crush on this porn star and want to have sex with her more than me!”  I did not just have a thought out of the blue. There were a few things that made me believe it. First, he looked at her insta, so I thought, if this is just a tool, why care? He looked up her age. Again, just a tool? But I just left it like "okay, he was single then, hope he is not doing this in a relationship". Then, when I asked him, he said he did like her appearance. And when I asked him to show me another actress, he said "I didnt like this one, just the scenario", which again made me think that this is too much. 

[Wiseman2]

On 5/13/2023 at 5:34 AM, hannarivers said:

 I told him 3 years ago to stop watching porn when we get together. I am a 24 old and he is 25

Do you live together? Why are you going through his devices? 

[hannarivers]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you live together? Why are you going through his devices? 

We do, now its 2.5 years

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

We do, now its 2.5 years

Is it his place, your place, or do you co-lease or co-own?  How long were you dating before you moved in? 

Did the problem of you going through his devices and telling him what he can and can't do begin when you moved in?

The solution seems to for you to move out. This way you can make your own decisions as to what you do and don't want in your life and with regard to porn or other people's habits.

[hannarivers]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is it his place, your place, or do you co-lease or co-own?  How long were you dating before you moved in? 

Did the problem of you going through his devices and telling him what he can and can't do begin when you moved in?

The solution seems to for you to move out. This way you can make your own decisions as to what you do and don't want in your life and with regard to porn or other people's habits.

Im not moving out, Im trying to resolve my relationship. People forget that trauma comes with a lot of triggers. If Im not working on those subconscious triggers, my whole life will be ruined. Names, even letters, computers, naked women, many things are triggers for me. This wont go away by leaving the person I love the most. And I need to work on this by myself, because as I said, therapy in my country is not cheap, my salary is not exactly high and I can only afford one time a month, which is not enough. I dont care if people cant validate my trauma, I can still feel it is one. I dont have the money for hypnotherapy, so I dont know where to start. 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

 Names, even letters, computers, naked women, many things are triggers for me. And I need to work on this by myself.

If having him in your life and his habits "trigger" your "trauma", the solution is to remove yourself from the triggers and trauma.

[hannarivers]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If having him in your life and his habits "trigger" your "trauma", the solution is to remove yourself from the triggers and trauma.

My work place contains triggers. And I cant change my job. Even going shopping holds triggers. So my every day life is full of them. 

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

My work place contains triggers. And I cant change my job. Even going shopping holds triggers. So my every day life is full of them. 

That's true. So you'll need a 2 pronged approach to work on reducing this trigger reaction at work and other places, as well as avoiding avoidable triggers such as living with someone who triggers you.