Boyfriend too submissive

[Jessica L]

Well, I have been dating this boy for four years. I am 28 years old, and he is the same age as me. 

When I say that he said/did something that bothered me in the slightest, he gets emotional and tells me how profoundly sorry he and how he did not mean to treat me that way. He never challenges anything I say. He is always wrong, I am always right. I have tried talking to him about it, he reminds me how priviledged he feels and how he doesnt want to do anything to mess it up. 

Over four years, he has never once argued with me, and has does whatever I say. First, I thought he was just being sweet, but it is now getting a bit worrying. He does everything I demand, no questions asked. A week ago, just to see, I asked him for $100, and he just gave it to me and didn't even ask why, he just said "enjoy yourself". This worries me. He does the cleaning, cooking, shopping, and all of the chores to the extent that I feel bad, even though he says its his choice.

He complements me on a daily basis, and every day when he comes home from work he brings some sort of gift. I am just a little concerned as I do not think this is normal. 

When I met him, I knew he was more on the submissive side, but not to this extent. I also confuses me that he seemingly has split personalities at home and at work. At home, he is totally submissive to me, does whatever I say no questions asked. At work though, he is one of the most renowned and highest paid political advisors in the country and his colleagues have commented how demanding and how "what he wants, he gets!"

I just feel like my relationship is going the wrong direction, and want him to possibly be a bit more honest, and I want him to be a bit more DOMINANT!!

Thanks for reading all of this.

Advice?

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, Jessica L said:

 A week ago, just to see, I asked him for $100, and he just gave it to me and didn't even ask why.

I want him to be a bit more DOMINANT!!

You could step back and not demand anything from him. That may level the field a bit. It doesn't seem like you can change him, or that he's interested in arguments and conflicts, so try to do more in the relationship and be less domineering yourself. 

[Batya33]

I don't think it's about being dominant -you simply want someone who is reasonably confident, assertive and not a doormat. You don't trust his yessing you because you probably think it's coming from a people pleasing place, a place of fear of losing you as opposed to a confident person who has reasonable boundaries. Then you start testing him to see if he'll grow a backbone and you're frustrated. 

It's a turn off and I wasn't able to be attracted to men like that and you feel badly because they're "sooooo nice" but it's not nice to be a doormat.  It's not putting in the effort to be in a reasonably give and take relationship.  

There's a great old song from a famous musical called "I made a fist" about a man like this in love with a woman -the show is called Most Happy Fella.  No it's not really about violence as the answer -the man has finally had enough of being trampled on and stands up for himself.  And his woman is enthralled. From what I recall.

Don't try to force yourself to be into a person who won't assert himself out of fear.  Also it's normal he can assert himself at work -he feels confident in his work and is unafraid of losing his position etc.  Somehow he feels he doesn't deserve you and he's insecure.  

 

[Kwothe28]

Reminds me of a story my friend told me about his ex. And how she wanted him to go to bakery to buy them pastry. So he did that. But when he came back she was angry. When he asked why she was angry she said "Why didnt you fight over it?". So he was suppose to complain why he should go to bakery and create drama. So she could be happy. He broke up after that.

I mean, I get it. People sometimes want to be "challenged" and to have somebody to say "No". But you are esentially complaining about a man who, even after 4 years, pampers you, does choirs and compliments you. And asking if he could fight you more over things. If you know that is how he is, then either accept it and try to not demand too much so you wont need somebody to fight you over stuff, or go away and find somebody who will "slam fist against the table" every time you demand something. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Jessica L said:

, he is one of the most renowned and highest paid political advisors in the country and his colleagues have commented how demanding and how "what he wants, he gets!"

This makes sense. His profession and reputation are important to him and something worth fighting for if necessary. At home he probably doesn't want that hassle so just uses a "yes, dear" approach because it's easier than making an issue out of everything.

[Batya33]

Yes I don't like the game playing either -testing someone to see their limits. Many people would love to be pampered and be the leader and my way or the highway -in a lot of ways it's easier I guess if you like that sort of thing.  I don't think anyone loves slam fist on table approach unless they themselves are very insecure and have some weird notion -in women -about "masculinity". 

There's a happy medium and each couple has to find what keeps their relationship loving and respectful.  For me I like to be kept on my toes and challenged but not in some silly macho/demanding way.  Either side. I tell my son that as my son -sometimes he will have a choice/room for negotiation and we will do what he wants- and sometimes it's gonna be "because I said so-no don't ask daddy either k?" 

In adult relationships to me it feels good when I know the other person's limits and boundaries more or less so there is very little fear of stepping over boundaries - and I feel safer -for me- when the person does have limits and boundaries.  Because I do so if we both do there's little of this one person being too high maintenance/demanding/in control.  

I also know my husband is less comfortable than me expressing his feelings but we've talked about -that's fine -but don't let resentment build and then lose it over something more "minor" - so OP your bf might "snap" some day because he holds back a lot most likely out of "fear" but if he ever gets over the fear he may have the urge to unleash all his "complaints" over the years and not in mature ways.  That's why the yes m'am stuff can be concerning.

 

[Andrina]

I'm guessing the biggest issue here is that you likely feel that what your bf reveals of himself is superficial. Of his 3 dimensions, he's only showing you one of them. I can see how that is less than satisfying for you.

I think Billy Joel's lyrics for This is the Time fit's this scenario perfectly:

You've given me the best of you But now I need the rest of you

If you love him enough to want a future with him, I believe couple's therapy will be the only way to resolve this. Because how he's learned to behave seems to be really ingrained. Take care and let us know how it goes. 

 

 

 

[MrMan1983]

Hard to stay attracted to a man that doesn’t act in any way masculine (in most cases). Pretty much what it boils down to. As for sorting it out? Could be hard wired by now but shame his guy mates can’t set him aside and have a word. 

[Cherylyn]

Your boyfriend sounds like a jewel and a real keeper. 

My husband picks up the slack and helps tremendously with taking care of our sons,  house cleans,  does errands,  grocery shops,  cooks,  does front and back yard work,  repairs / maintains our cars,  repairs  / maintains our house,  does all electrical,  plumbing,  construction,  is a jack-of-all trades and he's not a tightwad.  He's a generous tipper for waiters / waitresses.   It's a very comfortable lifestyle. 

He's kind and non-confrontational but if he needs to speak up, he will.  He's very successful with his career and quite tough. 

No foul language amongst our family and friends. 

If I were you,  I'd appreciate your boyfriend because believe me,  you don't want to be with a dominant man.   I've known many dominant men and had enough of them. 😒  My brothers-in-law,  late father,  relatives and neighbors' husbands are all dominant men and those poor wives are haggard,  subdued,  resigned and miserable.  

If your boyfriend,  defers to you,  be grateful.    If you want more input from him,  don't run the show.  If you dominate conversations,  don't talk excessively.  Ask him questions and have him speak.  Be more interested in him and his interests.  What does he like?  Prepare his favorite meals and desserts.  Does he like gifts for special occasions?  Figure out what he likes.  Do what he likes to do such as various outings,  for example.  Or, something mutually enjoyable.  Compliment him and his strengths.   He won't change for you but you can draw out the best in him if you alter your relationship's course by changing your tack.

[Batya33]

I don't think the OP wants a dominant man in the negative sense -someone who is controlling and overly harsh - she wants a person who has a backbone so that if she wants to assert herself or enforce boundaries it won't be one sided -she knows he would do the same if she overstepped (meaning not intentionally) -she wants to have spirited conversations, a person with a bit of an edge, being kept on her toes in a good way - not in a dominating way. 

And at the same time sure they can pamper each other, he can defer to her on matters that he simply doesn't care either way whether that's a what should we have for dinner choice or is it ok if we don't have people over for the superbowl this year, I'm fried from working all week.  

People aren't all one way and his yes dear stuff is over the top to her - and smells bad like he's doing it out of fear rather than because it makes him happy.

[Cherylyn]

He won't change for you.  He is who he is.  Appreciate him and be grateful that he's not a headache nor project.  Being with a squawky, outspoken guy isn't fun either.  🙄 I hear you about wanting a happy medium but if I had my druthers,  I'd choose a man who can make life smooth overall.  I hear you again about not wanting a timid man.  However,  keep in mind that perhaps your boyfriend is the type of man who is giving the best of himself and it's the best he can give of himself.  It's your decision to either take it or leave it.  Accept him as is or be with a different man who meets your qualifications. 

If he's not the type of man you want,  then find someone else who satisfies you. 

It's your choice.

[catfeeder]

Since he's willing to do whatever you ask, why not ask him if he will be the boss of you for a week to see how each of you might like it?

[Jessica L]

Look, I don't mind it. I'm just worried he is not being honest. And like Batya33 said, I don't want him to "snap" one day.

"People aren't all one way and his yes dear stuff is over the top to her - and smells bad like he's doing it out of fear rather than because it makes him happy.": couldn't agree more.

And I just find that after FOUR YEARS, he has never said "no" or disagreed with me, a little concerning. Unfortunately, I didn't assume much of this pattern however now I am getting concerned.

Thanks everyone for the comments. I think the biggest verdict out of all these comments is to just step back a little, and see hopefully if he might take a little bit of the lead. Unless anyone has any other suggestions.

[TheCrow]

15 hours ago, Jessica L said:

Well, I have been dating this boy for four years. I am 28 years old, and he is the same age as me. 

When I say that he said/did something that bothered me in the slightest, he gets emotional and tells me how profoundly sorry he and how he did not mean to treat me that way. He never challenges anything I say. He is always wrong, I am always right. I have tried talking to him about it, he reminds me how priviledged he feels and how he doesnt want to do anything to mess it up. 

Over four years, he has never once argued with me, and has does whatever I say. First, I thought he was just being sweet, but it is now getting a bit worrying. He does everything I demand, no questions asked. A week ago, just to see, I asked him for $100, and he just gave it to me and didn't even ask why, he just said "enjoy yourself". This worries me. He does the cleaning, cooking, shopping, and all of the chores to the extent that I feel bad, even though he says its his choice.

He complements me on a daily basis, and every day when he comes home from work he brings some sort of gift. I am just a little concerned as I do not think this is normal. 

When I met him, I knew he was more on the submissive side, but not to this extent. I also confuses me that he seemingly has split personalities at home and at work. At home, he is totally submissive to me, does whatever I say no questions asked. At work though, he is one of the most renowned and highest paid political advisors in the country and his colleagues have commented how demanding and how "what he wants, he gets!"

I just feel like my relationship is going the wrong direction, and want him to possibly be a bit more honest, and I want him to be a bit more DOMINANT!!

Thanks for reading all of this.

Advice?

Here's my advice before reading the rest of the thread: consider yourself lucky and count your blessings!

[TheCrow]

12 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes I don't like the game playing either -testing someone to see their limits. Many people would love to be pampered and be the leader and my way or the highway -in a lot of ways it's easier I guess if you like that sort of thing.  I don't think anyone loves slam fist on table approach unless they themselves are very insecure and have some weird notion -in women -about "masculinity". 

There's a happy medium and each couple has to find what keeps their relationship loving and respectful.  For me I like to be kept on my toes and challenged but not in some silly macho/demanding way.  Either side. I tell my son that as my son -sometimes he will have a choice/room for negotiation and we will do what he wants- and sometimes it's gonna be "because I said so-no don't ask daddy either k?" 

In adult relationships to me it feels good when I know the other person's limits and boundaries more or less so there is very little fear of stepping over boundaries - and I feel safer -for me- when the person does have limits and boundaries.  Because I do so if we both do there's little of this one person being too high maintenance/demanding/in control.  

I also know my husband is less comfortable than me expressing his feelings but we've talked about -that's fine -but don't let resentment build and then lose it over something more "minor" - so OP your bf might "snap" some day because he holds back a lot most likely out of "fear" but if he ever gets over the fear he may have the urge to unleash all his "complaints" over the years and not in mature ways.  That's why the yes m'am stuff can be concerning.

 

Or one could just say, in place of three trillion words: hell  yeah dude, ain't I one lucky girl!!

[Jessica L]

TheCrow, I know I am very lucky and I love my boyfriend very much.

However, I still want an honest relationship and a boyfriend with a bit of a backbone, I don't want a doormat!

And I think this would be better for him too.

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, Jessica L said:

 I think this would be better for him too.

When you back down and become less dominant, he'll have a chance to express himself more. 

 

[Jessica L]

Yeah, that's what I plan to do

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, Jessica L said:

I'm just worried he is not being honest

What would he gain from not being honest with you? 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Jessica L said:

TheCrow, I know I am very lucky and I love my boyfriend very much.

However, I still want an honest relationship and a boyfriend with a bit of a backbone, I don't want a doormat!

And I think this would be better for him too.

I wouldn't do it out of altruism -you want him to change for you/your relationship -he hasn't expressed a desire to change in this relationship.  Let him be him/do him.

Yes back off.  See what happens.  It will be hard but do it.  I wouldn't feel lucky at all in a yes dear relationship with a friend or romantically.  Especially since so much of the time it's mostly or partially fake/done out of fear as mentioned. I'd feel awkward voicing my preferences/asserting myself (no not being dominant simply stating what I'd prefer/suggest). 

I want to know my partner's true preferences and I can tell if someone gives in and didn't want to -comes across later in body language/negative vibes or suddenly getting irritated. I have to check myself not to agree too much or "sacrifice" too much and then feel like a martyr.  Not just in marriage -in life. Sure it's totally fine if a person has no preference -like in certain couples -one is very food-picky or a foodie and the other couldn't care less. Or you both like beach vacations so there's no "discussion."

Many years ago before my now husband grew in confidence (huge change between first time and second time we were together and for real reasons in his own life) I wanted him to go with me to a rock concert -I loved the music -him -neutral.  He agreed but during the long play version of one of their most famous songs he refused to get up with me and sort of dance at our seats.  Everyone was up. 

I was up - he wouldn't and also kept his fingers in his ears (yes it was loud).  What I realize now is he actually didn't want to go in the first place.  I wish he'd told me that - maybe I'd have said -oh come anyway maybe you'll like it - but more likely I'd have said -no prob I'll ask my girlfriends if they want to go.  Or maybe he thought he'd like it and didn't realize how loud it would be. 

But his last minute refusal to get up when everyone else was and I wanted to share this moment with him didn't jibe with his agreement to go with me.  I want more jibing.  I want to know even if it means some conflict/negotiation.  Not the yes dear stuff with consequences later.

 

[spinstermanquee]

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

When you back down and become less dominant, he'll have a chance to express himself more.

^^^ This.  I was on the brink of divorce not long ago and one of my notions about my husband's character was that he wasn't assertive enough in our relationship.  Through some pretty intense therapy I realized I was being a big ole ball breaker!  And my therapist also led me to understand that I don't really WANT the man to be in charge (like society seems to think is apropos), I like being in charge.  And isn't it wonderful that my husband just loves me sooooo much that he puts himself in service to me like he does.

So I chose to change the way I viewed our roles in the relationship and accept his character...

Not saying that's what is happening with you, but it's worth taking a look at it.

[Batya33]

Just now, spinstermanquee said:

^^^ This.  I was on the brink of divorce not long ago and one of my notions about my husband's character was that he wasn't assertive enough in our relationship.  Through some pretty intense therapy I realized I was being a big ole ball breaker!  And my therapist also led me to understand that I don't really WANT the man to be in charge (like society seems to think is apropos), I like being in charge.  And isn't it wonderful that my husband just loves me sooooo much that he puts himself in service to me like he does.

So I chose to change the way I viewed our roles in the relationship and accept his character...

Not saying that's what is happening with you, but it's worth taking a look at it.

Yes for sure. Sometimes though even with the understanding the dynamic still affects chemistry.  
 

[spinstermanquee]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Yes for sure. Sometimes though even with the understanding the dynamic still affects chemistry. 

Behind closed doors is another story 😉

[lostandhurt]

Jessica,

 At his work he is the man and demands and gets respect.  He probably has to make a lot of tough decisions and has a huge burden on his shoulders.  When he gets home he lets you be in charge of him which is probably a huge relief for him because he doesn't have to be in charge and is just a worker bee.

 I know how it feels to be looked to all the time for the answers and direction and it wears even the strongest person down in time.  Maybe he sees you are the person he loves and trusts so much he is more than happy to let you take the reins and allow him to relax and just do what is asked of him.

 Instead of stepping back and see what he does why don't you approach this as a couple not as he is to submissive. Talk to him and express your concerns coming from a place of wanting the relationship to be more balanced.  He needs to know that you don't want to be in charge at home all the either and would like the relationship to be more equal.

 He is this way for a reason and until you talk about all of this he will not know how you feel and you will not know why he does what he does.

 Communication and understanding goes a long way to making relationships stronger and durable.

Lost

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, spinstermanquee said:

Behind closed doors is another story 😉

Lol!  Wasn’t my point and great separate point.