I called CPS on my friends :(

[MsAin1st]

I babysat my friend’s son for a few days so they could have a little couples get away before their new baby is due. Little Dude is 5, so obviously I was going to keep an eye on him when he was bathing. Anyways, I noticed that on his upper arm he had a bruise that looked like a handprint. I asked him what happened, and he shrugged it off and said “I don’t know. I don’t can’t talk about it.”  and then was really quiet for the remainder of the evening.

My friend has told me before her husband has a temper & is too rough with kiddo. She says Little Dude often “bothers” his dad by talking too much to his dad. She’s also admitted to me he’s thrown hard objects in the kid’s direction & has nearly hit him in the head. 

My friend is refusing to talk to me now; she figured out it was me who called CPS. She told me I betrayed her trust, and that I’m ruining her family. Boyfriend has assured me we made the right choice by calling… my heart is so sad & heavy because I feel bad for my friend, but I feel worse for Little Dude. And they’re having a new baby soon, what if he something happened to him! I could never forgive myself! 
 
Just needed a safe spot to put this. 💙

O
 

 

[Seraphim]

Protecting children is always the right choice . 

[Batya33]

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.  What steps did you take before calling CPS? Did you tell your friend to get her son out of that situation? Do you think your friend is also physically abusing her child? It's a little odd they'd not have told you about his bruise before they left- I mean they had to know you would see it and be concerned.  I have called police in certain child endangerment situations and never on a friend or with someone I could have talked to beforehand.  I'm sorry he had the bruise and I hope it works out and I'm sorry she's mad at you.

[MsAin1st]

@Batya33, I didn’t talk to her her before I called, only because I have told her before she needs to get away from him. She tells me things he says to her, he’s quite verbally abusive. All she says is that she can’t break her marriage vows, she believe this is the “for worse” part. 😞

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, MsAin1st said:

@Batya33, I didn’t talk to her her before I called, only because I have told her before she needs to get away from him. She tells me things he says to her, he’s quite verbally abusive. All she says is that she can’t break her marriage vows, she believe this is the “for worse” part. 😞

Did you tell her about the bruise you saw? Yes I likely would have called CPS and since it was a friend who employed me to babysit I'd likely have done some info gathering first.  

Obviously it was a handprint that looked adult size- but I'd have confirmed since it could have been from a teacher, a friend's parent, a family member such that if that were true you two could have talked about next steps.  I know you knew she told you he'd thrown thing (!!!) but I personally would have done more info gathering.

 

[MsAin1st]

Oh yeah, it was definitely an adult handprint. Little Dude doesn’t go to daycare or school. He stays home with his dad while mom works.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, MsAin1st said:

Oh yeah, it was definitely an adult handprint. Little Dude doesn’t go to daycare or school. He stays home with his dad while mom works.

Yes.  You cannot know it was his dad or a stranger who came over, a family friend or friend visiting, a handyman etc - that's why I would have done info gathering. You are not the caregiver or his teacher or his parent.  

One time my son came home and got in the bath and had red marks all over his torso.  Thankfully he told me what they were -he used a red marker to try to draw "six pack abs" lol on himself at after school or something.  Imagine if someone had been babysitting and he was too embarrassed to tell her and she assumed it was something resulting from abuse.  And called before info gathering.  You knew I think the mom hadn't done it so why not just ask her, express your concerns and if she showed no concern you could have considered next steps - since she's your friend you could have contacted her and still reported ASAP.

[Starlight925]

While I know your intentions were in the right place, you should have talked to your friend first.

There are horror stories out there about abuse once in CPS custody by, yes, CPS agents.

I'd stay out of it, as you did not witness anything directly.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

While I know your intentions were in the right place, you should have talked to your friend first.

There are horror stories out there about abuse once in CPS custody by, yes, CPS agents.

I'd stay out of it, as you did not witness anything directly.

I would not have totally stayed out of it but would not have called CPS in that situation right away.

Many years ago I lived in a high rise building - nice building.  I saw a toddler with her nanny -an older woman - it could have been the grandmother/family member.  They looked somewhat similar -of Asian descent.  Anyway I saw the nanny yank the toddler really hard by the arm and kind of drag her.  At that age that seemed really aggressive and potentially very harmful.

I saw the mom (who I didn't know but it was obviously her mother) a week or so later. I approached her gently.  I said "hi, I wanted to talk with you about something I saw your nanny doing the other day..." - before I could go any further (maybe I was able to say a word or two with the word "arm") she said abruptly and kind of coldly "she's fine" - maybe a few other words like that -she did NOT want to hear what I had to say.  She almost ran away from me.  

What did I do? Nothing at all.  I saw a sign of inappropriate physicality.  I approached the mom to report.  She knew full well I was about to tell her something the nanny had done that concerned me.  It was obvious and obvious she did not want to know.  I chose to stop there. What was I supposed to do -call authorities to report arm yanking? I mean I made that judgment.  I'd told the mom.  I was not a mom yet but had worked in daycares and schools and with kids.

[MsAin1st]

I love this kiddo like he was my nephew, so I didn’t hesitate to call.  I also think that the jobs we hold might have effected our decision to call in before gathering more info, I’m a teacher and boyfriend is a peds RN. 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, MsAin1st said:

I love this kiddo like he was my nephew, so I didn’t hesitate to call.  I also think that the jobs we hold might have effected our decision to call in before gathering more info, I’m a teacher and boyfriend is a peds RN. 

OK and you are not his teacher.  If you feel he is like a nephew then you feel your friend is like your sister -so obviously you don't hesitate to call -but why not ask your "like a sister" friend for information - I mean wouldn't that help you give better info to CPS because you could confirm it had to be his dad?  I understand your judgment call but since you say she's like a sister to you -you don't ask what's going on with this specific bruise? You really don't know because you're not there - what if the Amazon delivery guy came by and was annoyed with the boy and slapped him??  What your bf does for a living is irrelevant - did he see/interact with the child up close?

[itsallgrand]

22 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

While I know your intentions were in the right place, you should have talked to your friend first.

There are horror stories out there about abuse once in CPS custody by, yes, CPS agents.

I'd stay out of it, as you did not witness anything directly.

I can't speak to where OP lives but where I'm at it's EXTREMELY difficult to have a child removed. Most that would happen in this situation is a visit and a report. So at least it will be on file if further situations arise and follow up can happen. 

Dad has anger issues that are putting kid in danger at the very least here. Regular folk don't throw objects at kids. So that's at least worth eyeballs on the situation. 

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, itsallgrand said:

I can't speak to where OP lives but where I'm at it's EXTREMELY difficult to have a child removed. Most that would happen in this situation is a visit and a report. So at least it will be on file if further situations arise and follow up can happen. 

Dad has anger issues that are putting kid in danger at the very least here. Regular folk don't throw objects at kids. So that's at least worth eyeballs on the situation. 

Here as well they also offer parenting skills and therapies to families to help. I once called CAS because I saw a father full out smack his child across the head and send him spinning across the backyard. This child was not removed. They were offered parenting skills classes. 

[itsallgrand]

Just now, Seraphim said:

Here as well they also offer parenting skills and therapies to families to help. I once called CAS because I saw a father full out smack his child across the head and send him spinning across the backyard. This child was not removed. They were offered parenting skills classes. 

Yeah exactly. 

[MsAin1st]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

did he see/interact with the child up close?

Yes, we took care of kiddo together. 

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

I can't speak to where OP lives but where I'm at it's EXTREMELY difficult to have a child removed. Most that would happen in this situation is a visit and a report. So at least it will be on file if further situations arise and follow up can happen. 

Dad has anger issues that are putting kid in danger at the very least here. Regular folk don't throw objects at kids. So that's at least worth eyeballs on the situation. 

Yes I agree and she didn't call CPS when she heard that part so perhaps she could have at least discussed this with her friend (or told the friend when she learned about dad throwing things - that perhaps they needed outside help or she would feel like she should report it).

I once saw a man abusing a woman outside my window many years ago. I think she was trying to get away from him and was out of the car and he was trying to pull her back in.  I chose to call police and not confront them myself -it wasn't safe -but if it was safe to do so I would have first said something like "are you all right" -police came rather quickly and I heard him yelling "who called the police?" Maybe I overreacted.  And I didn't care.  I get that it's hard to judge especially if it's unfolding right in front of you.

Again I'm sorry OP you had to hear about this and see it.  It's traumatic!! Just suggesting a different approach based on what you wrote and why your friend might be so upset with you.  Can't win ....

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, MsAin1st said:

Yes, we took care of kiddo together. 

So he was in the bathroom with you that day? I'm glad he also saw -it will help the investigation.

[MsAin1st]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes I agree and she didn't call CPS when she heard that part so perhaps she could have at least discussed this with her friend (or told the friend when she learned about dad throwing things - that perhaps they needed outside help or she would feel like she should report it).

I once saw a man abusing a woman outside my window many years ago. I think she was trying to get away from him and was out of the car and he was trying to pull her back in.  I chose to call police and not confront them myself -it wasn't safe -but if it was safe to do so I would have first said something like "are you all right" -police came rather quickly and I heard him yelling "who called the police?" Maybe I overreacted.  And I didn't care.  I get that it's hard to judge especially if it's unfolding right in front of you.

Again I'm sorry OP you had to hear about this and see it.  It's traumatic!! Just suggesting a different approach based on what you wrote and why your friend might be so upset with you.  Can't win ....

I’ve told her the situation isn’t good, she needs to leave or get some kind of help for them, but she always has excuses for  the rough behaviors and verbal abuse. 

and yes, boyfriend did see the handprint. I had him causally look at it to make sure I was seeing what I thought I was seeing, and I wasn’t over reacting without cause. 

[boltnrun]

I agree with you calling CPS.

It's telling that instead of blaming the boyfriend for harming the child your "friend" chose to get upset with you.

I hope the child(ren) get the help they need.

[gamon]

I'm thinking a sit down and difficult but open discussion with your friend about what you observed prior to calling CPS would have been more appropriate.

But so what. Second guessing your actions at this time won't change anything.

You'll either feel worse or get enough positive responses to somehow feel validated.

The friendship is probably over, maybe you've saved the kid from further abuse, you'll probably never know for sure.

 

 

[MissCanuck]

Debating whether you should or should not have called is rather moot now, OP. You called, so I would not stress now over whether that was the right choice. You can't change it. 

What I would do, however, is accept that this friendship is probably over for good. But if it means the family gets the help they need to stop whatever abuse may be happening and keep the child safe, then I feel it's a price worth paying. 

[Batya33]

39 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Debating whether you should or should not have called is rather moot now, OP. You called, so I would not stress now over whether that was the right choice. You can't change it. 

What I would do, however, is accept that this friendship is probably over for good. But if it means the family gets the help they need to stop whatever abuse may be happening and keep the child safe, then I feel it's a price worth paying. 

You and Gamon are correct.  The outcome likely would have been the same.  OP again I am sorry you had to be in this situation. I'm also sorry about your friend's reaction -even if would have approached first, I bet she still would have been upset even if you had first spoken to her.  I'm sorry. I'm thankful this boy has you and your bf in his life!!

[catfeeder]

Really tough call, Ms, and I'm sorry you were forced into such a position.

On the one hand, is the child better off with the review and documentation, or is he better off with you having continued access to him?

And what if you chose the continued access only for the harm to escalate and still remain beyond your ability to control?

Nobody here understands your relationship with this child better than you, and I can appreciate how difficult this. My heart goes out to you.

 

[Cherylyn]

I would've taken photos of the adult hand print on the child's arm and called the police.  The police would actually arrive at the house,  write a report and contact CPS or the designated authorities for you.  The police would actually speak to the parents in person and often times escort or transport the parents to the police station.  If it's enough to spook the parents,  all the better.  This physical abuse happened before you saw the adult hand print on the child's arm.  This type of scenario happened with someone whom I knew. 

The problem with speaking with the parents first is that they will very well likely give you excuses,  become belligerent,  defensive or threaten you should you contact law enforcement.  Let law enforcement do the talking for you and have their dialogue between the parents and law enforcement.  You do not need to be the middle person.

The child's safety trumps jeopardizing your friendship with the child's parents.  The child's welfare takes top priority.

You did the right thing @MsAin1st by contacting CPS. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I would've taken photos of the adult hand print on the child's arm and called the police.  The police would actually arrive at the house,  write a report and contact CPS or the designated authorities for you.  The police would actually speak to the parents in person and often times escort or transport the parents to the police station.  If it's enough to spook the parents,  all the better.  This physical abuse happened before you saw the adult hand print on the child's arm.  This type of scenario happened with someone whom I knew. 

The problem with speaking with the parents first is that they will very well likely give you excuses,  become belligerent,  defensive or threaten you should you contact law enforcement.  Let law enforcement do the talking for you and have their dialogue between the parents and law enforcement.  You do not need to be the middle person.

The child's safety trumps jeopardizing your friendship with the child's parents.  The child's welfare takes top priority.

Yes if the parents are unknown/unfamiliar -like if she was their new babysitter (and then of course they could blame her for the handprint!).  She said she considers him like her nephew and therefore the parents are like family.  Yes in some cases alerting parents might put child in more jeopardy but one handprint is not the same as finding the child sexually assaulted, or neglected like dirty/soiled clothing and malnourished. 

I don't mean to put too fine a point just where I'd draw the line as far as the risk of first talking to parents.  Again I think she had to make a judgment call and all is well that ends well for the child.  I also think those parents would have reacted same way even if she had spoken beforehand.  

I was yelled at once in the following scenario.  Playground with a lake across from playground with a huge field in between.  One of the moms found a 3 year old wandering right near the lake.  Brought him to the playground area to see if the parent was there.  Nope.  A group of us moms gathered.  The child was not able to tell us anything. 

We decided that one of us should call the police.  I offered and or was chosen.  Meanwhile other moms watched over the little boy.  I called and while I was describing the situation the mom shows up on a bicycle. This was probably 20 minutes after boy was discovered (but no idea how long he'd been wandering alone)

She'd left her 12 year old daughter in charge (who I guess had also wandered off but then came back?).  She yelled to me "why are you calling the police???"  I of course told police mom was located and ended the call.  I stood my ground and was just happy he was ok.  I think -it's typical for parent to get upset.  And it's not right. She should have been grateful. The mom who saw him near the lake -likely saved his life!!