He says I'm never happy

[cande]

My boyfriend has told me repeatedly that I am never happy. He then says "why can't you be fun and laugh?". Today I told him it's not ok to tell me that.

There is absolutely no one else in my life who would ever say anything like that, I am a very happy and positive person. 

It makes me feel especially frustrated because I am trying to repair from a childhood of being told I am not good enough. I am a very sensitive person and I don't know how to help him see that he is feeding into the negative self talk I have been working so hard to reprogram. 

Am I over reacting? Any ideas about motivations for saying things like that? 

[SooSad33]

42 minutes ago, cande said:

My boyfriend has told me repeatedly that I am never happy. He then says "why can't you be fun and laugh?". Today I told him it's not ok to tell me that.

Is he right at all in saying this?

You say you're all okay & that you are a very happy, positive person.

I understand you're hurt by what he says, due to your past, but I don't think his intentions are to hurt you, but it does.  No offence, but this is on you ( to feel this hurt about it- meaning he may not mean it to be out to how you take it...). You admit, you are a very sensitive person.

It is very hard sometimes to get others to truly understand our end of things or how we feel unless they've been there, so there may not be much you can say or do to get him to understand you this way... maybe just ask him to not say this your way... OR, is there something that is affecting you to which he may see you as 'not so happy lately'?  There must be something going on for him to say this?

Have you two been involved long?  Maybe you just need to get to know each other a little better?

 

[cande]

Ok, thank you for your perspective.

We have been together for over 3 years. He moved in with me and my kids after a year and I asked him to move out a year and a half after that. I have tried to break up several times, but he keeps talking me into staying.

After a while I just end up feeling so confused.

I'm starting to think that when I do see him I do come across as unhappy because I am so guarded with walls up. He has said WAY more hurtful things in the past and I'm trying to look forward, forgive and move on, but maybe I'm not able to...

Thanks again.

 

[Cherylyn]

I'm guarded, too.

Perhaps your boyfriend wants you to lighten up more often,  smile more,  be easy to laugh and the like.  I tend to be more serious than I'd like.  It really depends on where I'm at in life.  Maybe this is you, too and you have kids so you're probably a stressed out mother? 

He said hurtful things in the past.  I hear you.  It's hard to forgive and move forward.  Usually it's because you don't trust as much as before he said hurtful things to you and you fear that he'll say it again during a weak moment.  It happens.  In this case,  I too am guarded,  wary and jaded.  Once I know anyone dared to say hurtful things to me,  former innocence and naivete had been lost forever.  I don't trust said person anymore because it's only a matter of time before they'll say hurtful words again sometime in the future.  I don't know when but it could happen at any random time. 

Maybe your boyfriend is hoping you had forgotten the hurtful things he said to you in the past and hopes you'll get over it.  You need to have a talk about this to him and tell him why you can't be fun and laugh as he expects.  Explain it to him.  Then he'll need to see your side. 

Tell him you will be fun and laugh if he were to humbly and sincerely apologize to you for the hurtful things he said to you in the past and promise he won't repeat that same level of hurtfulness in the future.  Then you can heal and move on towards being a person who can have fun and laugh.  Say that to him.

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, cande said:

I asked him to move out a year and a half after that. I have tried to break up several times, but he keeps talking me into staying.

After a while I just end up feeling so confused.

I'm starting to think that when I do see him I do come across as unhappy because I am so guarded with walls up. He has said WAY more hurtful things in the past and I'm trying to look forward, forgive and move on, but maybe I'm not able to...

Well yeah! I guess you'd be confused ....

So, WHY do you allow him back?  You say he insults you & you asked him to move out. So it's been off & on?  That's mess you up for sure.

IMO, If you're truly NOT happy with this guy, then yeah, you'd show some negative, moodiness.  So, I see this as you are BOTH stuck with some confusion on what's going on.

And as for YOU trying to break up several times, says plenty.  ( Lets go back to your original issue - Him saying you need to 'smile & be happy more').

Hmm, if he don't like it he can leave 😉 .  you aren't happy end this. This may be why You are Not Happy, huh?

Stop living a miserable life.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, cande said:

 He moved in with me and my kids after a year and I asked him to move out a year and a half after that. I have tried to break up several times. . He has said WAY more hurtful things  

Sorry this is happening.  You made the right decision asking him to move out. Focus on yourself, your children and your and your children's wellbeing. 

He seems like someone who detracts from your quality of life, rather than adding anything. You're not there to be his entertainer.

Tell him once and for all that it's not working out so you can free yourself from someone who seems obtuse and a tad emotionally abusive.

[Cherylyn]

Good that you moved out.  Good riddance!  

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, cande said:

I have tried to break up several times, but he keeps talking me into staying.

Why have you tried to break up several times? 

It sounds like a bad relationship. If so, no wonder you're not happy. 

[poorlittlefish]

If your boyfriend can't accept you as you are, then there's no point staying with him.  You shouldn't try and change your personality to suit someone else.

[Batya33]

No he shouldn't say that.  I'm a parent.  I do and have done a lot of solo parenting.  There are days when the small stuff accumulates and all feels heavy not light - a loose braces bracket, weird smoke in the oven, work computer issues and the icing on the cake -some email from school about yet another theme day encouraging us to take a deep dive into some closet to fish out the right costume I mean clothing for the very next day/sorry for the late notice.  And you know that thing when other parent comes home kind of tired after all that small stuff you tried not to sweat happened - but had a predictable day and wants to chat about whatever while you're an hour behind on laundry/getting dinner started? That thing.

So in my marriage, knowing I am more of a heavy/intense rather than lighthearted person I make it my business to find reasons to laugh at life, at stuff, to share this with my husband.  Sometimes it's an email with a link to an article that triggers an inside joke we've had for years, sometimes it's a text with a classic quote from our child, or I'll see that annoying commercial again on TV and make some snide comment I know will get a laugh out of him.

I feel like this is part of my spousal obligation - has he ever said to me "relax" or "lighten up?" Yes -it's annoying and frankly it's something people say from time to time - it's not toxic when it's from time to time -it's that normal knee jerk reaction and it's not a battle I'm going to fight. Just like I implore him to please not take years to get his socks on when we have a flight to catch, my darling husband who takes his time whenever possible.  Annoying -yes - on balance -it's not perfect but it's fine.

I'm sorry you had such a challenging childhood -I did too.  I get it to the extent I can.  No one should make you change just consider for yourself -can you try to tell yourself 3-5 good things that happened that day, at the end of the day? Can you look for the humor and when you find it -share it with your loved one? It's a good habit IMO.  

[Andrina]

It's not clear if he actually moved out when you asked him to, or not. If he were the one to suggest breaking up, would it feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted off your chest, or would you be upset?

If you're just staying because your spine isn't strong enough to fend off his pleading, then you need to find the strength to tell him it's done, and then go no contact. Of course, if he still lives with you, you need to give him notice and time to find a new place. Take care.

[Jibralta]

11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

has he ever said to me "relax" or "lighten up?" Yes -it's annoying

My former coworker and I had a joke about this. We both agreed that "Relax" was literally the worst thing you could say to someone who was upset or stressed out. So, whenever she got upset or stressed out about something at work, I would quip, "Relax, Carrie. Just relax." And vice versa. When she did it to me, I'd feel a brief but real moment of irritation. And then I'd laugh.

[Jaunty]

On 4/7/2023 at 8:27 PM, cande said:

My boyfriend has told me repeatedly that I am never happy. He then says "why can't you be fun and laugh?". Today I told him it's not ok to tell me that.

This is a red herring.  In fact, you are NOT happy and I'm sure you project this at all times in your relationship.  You asked him to move out and you've been trying to break up; OF COURSE you're not happy. 

This piece of the dynamic doesn't relate to your childhood of being told you're "not enough."  

Simply put, you are in a dysfunctional relationship and you need to deal with that.  If he's observing that you are "never happy," that's valid in the circumstances.  

It seems very clear that you need to end this relationship.

 

[smackie9]

Here's something to think about...when we are with the right person, they bring out the best in us. Your BF makes you unhappy period....he keeps hooving you back, taking away your dignity, and your ability to think for yourself without feeling guilty about it. It's not your childhood it's simply him making you feel this way. You definitely need to stand up for yourself and dump him flat....cut off all contact for good.

[tattoobunnie]

I once had a boyfriend ask me why I was weird sometimes.  He was just the absolutely wrong guy.

Sorry, but in a strong relationship, you should be able to feel however you are feeling, treated with validation and respect 365, 24/7.

If some dude told me I am never happy, I would tell him that it's impossible because he is sucking all the joy out of everything, and to take a hike.

You will be instantly relieved and happy once you give him the heave-ho.  Then block everywhere, and change the locks.

[Batya33]

18 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

I once had a boyfriend ask me why I was weird sometimes.  He was just the absolutely wrong guy.

Sorry, but in a strong relationship, you should be able to feel however you are feeling, treated with validation and respect 365, 24/7.

If some dude told me I am never happy, I would tell him that it's impossible because he is sucking all the joy out of everything, and to take a hike.

You will be instantly relieved and happy once you give him the heave-ho.  Then block everywhere, and change the locks.

I would actually take it to heart if I knew I was being a Debbie Downer on a regular basis (and blaming only external circumstances with no personal accountability, again depending on what was going on) and if other loved ones had mentioned it too.  But it would depend on how it was brought up.