Was it love bombing or not?

[pmw06092016]

I’m pretty sure I’m ending this relationship but I just wanted some advise from people who have maybe experienced love bombing  because I want to try & work out whether this happened to me or not? I’m just trying to make sense of everything.

The first date he brought me flowers & chocolates saying thank you for coming. From the beginning he went out of his way to help me, for example, 2 days after our first date he went looking for my car keys after I lost them outside my workplace & brought my car back, he came & mowed my lawn after a week because he noticed it needed doing. Would always bring me little treats or gifts randomly ect but nothing super expensive. He said things like, I’ll always make you feel how you should feel, never hurt you ext. I was having a bad day & he left flowers outside my door ext. He knew what I’d been through before & said I won’t find any red flags in him & this is what kind of person he is ect.

My confusion is can this go on longer than the first few months? Because we’ve been together exactly a year and he has still done things “to help me” as he says up until now, for example in January my TV broke so he went & bought me a new one, in December my phone broke so he kindly bought me a phone because he knew how much I was struggling financially. Each time I would tell him he shouldn’t have & he would say he wanted to.

Recently the past 3 months things have slipped (I have put another recent thread on regarding that) but everything got me thinking about the whole love bombing stuff. So if anyone could share your knowledge or experiences I would appreciate it.

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, pmw06092016 said:

I’m pretty sure I’m ending this relationship .  in January my TV broke so he went & bought me a new one, in December my phone broke so he kindly bought me a phone 

Not necessarily "love bombing", but just stuff people do who are in a relationship. The focus is his gambling, smoking and lying as deal breakers. You don't really need labels associated with narcissism to decide.

However you seem to depend on him a lot so that support may be hard for you to give up despite his major flaws. 

[ostoyanova]

Hi! I have a very similar situation. The only difference is that you have a boyfriend, your other half, and I just have an acquaintance. He also talks about help, does everything to see a smile on my face. I think that caring from your boyfriend is normal, enjoy it.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, pmw06092016 said:

My confusion is can this go on longer than the first few months? Because we’ve been together exactly a year and he has still done things “to help me”

No, this isn't love-bombing. It's simply what a lot of people do in a relationship. 

However, it turns out he has some other major problems that render a relationship unsustainable. That is where the real problem lies. 

[Kwothe28]

"Love Bombing" is a manipulation technique. Typically used by narcissists to assert some kind of dominance. Unless he uses that stuff to manipulate you and says stuff like "Oh yes I gamble but I bought you a TV", I think he is just a caring person. Dont think he would mowe your lawn or search your car keys or bring you treats otherwise. Narcissists dont typically do stuff for other people. Unless it can benefit them. And they dont really care about other people. Their whole world revolves around them only.

That doesnt mean that this is a good relationship. Especially if he is an addict for smoking and gambling. 

When we are breaking up we try to find as much as bad to the other person to sort of "justify" why we are leaving. Dont do that. The other person doesnt need to be "the villain". Its enough that it just doesnt work out with his "sins" involved.

[Jibralta]

I think you're focusing on the wrong thing.

[Batya33]

What do you do to reciprocate?

[Jaunty]

Not "love bombing."  If you get love bombed, you'll know it quickly when the person suddenly abuses you after showering you with "love" that you could not resist in the early days.  

After abuse is often another episode of love bombing.  Part of the cycle.

[tattoobunnie]

9 hours ago, pmw06092016 said:

Recently the past 3 months things have slipped

Love bombing is pretty intense.  And, no, what you describe isn't love bombing; sounds normal.  But the lying about smoking, not making time with you a priority, that just means that this relationship has run its course.

[Cherylyn]

I agree with others.  It's not love bombing.  There is a difference between being very kind,   helpful and considerate and over zealous behavior because a person's intention is to extract something from you whatever it may be.  Love bombing is pure manipulation and only with the intent of expectations in return. 

Usually narcissists love bomb. 

My husband is extremely helpful,  kind,  generous,  considerate and selfless.  He has always been this way ever since we've dated and during our brief courtship.  He is this way with me and ever since our sons were newborns.  He picks up the slack for me and does anything.  He's not a tightwad either. 

Even though my story is not the same as yours,  I've had others love bomb me only because they wanted me to do something for them.  I was considered their utility and nothing more.  For example,  my sister habitually love bombs me especially during the holidays because she expects me to cook a ton of food for her house parties.  She's overly generous with compliments to the point of being sickeningly,  syrupy sweet.  I'm not easily tricked. 

My cousin exhibits love bombing by being overly generous and over zealous with cooking and inviting particular people to her house for dinner every weekend.  She has unrealistic expectations for them to feel obliged and beholden to her.  Her aim is for them to help her with caretaker duties for her aging,  ailing,  autoimmune disordered Epileptic and Multiple Sclerosis (MS) husband because she cannot afford $18K + per month for around the clock care for him as his diseases progress.   Those home cooked dinners are not for free.  There is a price for them.  Funny thing is, those guests will not do her bidding someday.  They will not change her husband's diapers nor spoon feed him his prune whip.  No way. 

Love bombing is a very sneaky trait. 

If your boyfriend is habitually this way while his character is stellar,  then be grateful and thankful.  The only time to become suspicious is if there are expectations in return of any sort.  Love bombing is not for free.  There is always a price to pay and it comes at a cost.  Love bombing always involves sinister motives because it's a game.  I do something for you with the sole intention that I expect something from you in return.  This is the "agreement."  With love bombing,  the recipient owes the the love bomber. 

With sincerity,  it's love and respect for you.  Observe his character and there will be your answer. 

[boltnrun]

This aspect of him is not love bombing IMO. He was doing considerate things. Unfortunately his lying and addiction issues are enough to overcome his thoughtfulness in other areas.

Has he used his acts of thoughtfulness as a weapon against you in any way? Has he brought them up when discussing his unacceptable behaviors in an attempt to make you feel guilty about rightfully calling him out on his lies? If so, that is not love bombing but rather an attempt to deflect. 

[SooSad33]

I feel he's like this because he knows exactly how HE is. So, he tries to 'make up' for his own flaws by doing so much for you.

It's a tactic to try & have you stick around -- but over time, no matter what he does, the weak points have come to the surface. ( which, of course, you don't like!).

Was very nice of him, of course - but imo, I don't like that form of action/behaviour 😕 . Is like trying to 'buy' someone. You just don't!  You can't buy someone's love, it's earned. ( same goes for trust, etc... Hey, if you're a crappy person in general, it'll show in time).

So, although you did appreciate all he's done for you, you don't like his behaviour anymore. Because you've come to realize how he really is. Then don't drag this on anymore. this isn't a 'healthy' relationship at all.

 

[smackie9]

This isn't love bombing, this is his love language. This is how he shows his love for you. His dad probably did this for his mother, so he may have learned by example in how to treat a woman. BUT if you find this smothering, then your love language doesn't match, which makes you incompatible.