Boyfriend wants to leave the country without me?

[fighterfly3]

My boyfriend and I have been together almost two years. 

Last year we went on an extended overseas travel trip together (six months), and came home and started new jobs which we've held for three months. His job is a job that he took because his parents set it up for him and did not necessarily want it and is not the happiest at this job. 

Now, here's a few things. 

Recently, he said we may not have the same goals. I want to move in together, which I've wanted to but pressure is on more-so as my current situation isn't the best. He was also the one who brought up living together when I told him how my current situation became. Last night he told me he only wants to do that to make sure I am okay and would stay in his also not great living situation in order to save money and come and go as he pleases. He also said if he does not get a promotion in his job that he's up for in November then he wants to go back overseas for about a year, but does not want me to come. He has done a lot of traveling when he was younger and wants to go back to one of the places, and said Im not coming with him because my job is setting me up well (with pay and eventually way down the road advancement). He also doesn't like being stagnant in the same place/job for a while.

What I had said was that he was the one who brought up living together, possible trips we want to go on together, and things we want to do in the future. He says he does truly love me, I am everything he wants in a woman, am his best friend (which he also said he doesn't want us to be stuck in a best friend stage). He says he doesn't want to settle down yet as we are in the low mid 20s. But I wouldn't say living together is settling down, we have a very trusting relationship and there isn't things we "don't let" the other do and I am also a very understanding person. (which yes is healthy but just emphasizing it)

The thing is he is right I wouldn't go for a year. I do like my job, I love him crazy, and I am scared to lose him. I don't want to lose him. I get very emotional and have a hard time communicating when I get scared/upset like this. I'm not what a compromise would but I would be more than willing to have one. He really is the love of life, and I just don't know what I would do without him. He is the best part of my days and I think about him and every decision I make, and he says he does too .

Im just really lost and need some outside words.

[Batya33]

What the heck is a "best friend stage?"  Is that simply a label you've devised to avoid specific issues in your relationship?

You and he want different things and also the timing might be off -for him -or it might be an excuse as I know of several people in your age range who are engaged/married/parents.  (These are my family members and the children of my friends -I am 56, married with a teenager).  

Also you mostly want to share living space now because of logistics not because of wanting to increase your emotional commitment - I'm not quite sure you should be relying on your boyfriend for that - and he sees living together differently and it's a difference that does not suit him -in fact he wants to live apart from you and in a whole other country. 

I'm sorry to put it that way but given your age you have plenty of time to meet someone who wants to date you in person, wants you to be with him as a top priority and not as an afterthought almost, and who is ready to be together with solid future goals -together.  

You can be an "understanding" person in general and still "understand" what your goals, standards, needs and wants are - and if you do understand yourself - do you two really align? Are you ready to be apart from him for a year especially since he doesn't seem all that troubled by this separation? These are the optimal years of your life to meet someone since you seem to want eventual marriage, etc.  I know you love him and sometimes love is not enough.

[fighterfly3]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Also you mostly want to share living space now because of logistics not because of wanting to increase your emotional commitment

We lived together when we were on our extended holiday last year, and it was great. I've expressed wanting to since then but with the housing crisis where we are located- it has been impossible. I more meant with the current climate of current situations it put a rushed pressure. Not that it was not a thought before.

Nevertheless, thank you for the comment it is much appreciated, Bayta33. 

[Jaunty]

Two things you can't spin any way that will feel good to you:

1) he already told you straight out that he doesn't want you to go with him overseas.  Take it seriously.

2) He also told you that 

Quote

he only wants to do that (move in together) to make sure I am okay 

In other words:  He does NOT want to start living together.  

Please don't keep talking to him about how your living situation "is not the best" so he might make this move to help you out.  Surely you know that you don't want to start living with a man who is not invested in living with you.  He definitely is not.  He IS invested in possibly being a free agent in the world, traveling abroad on his own for a year in the near future.

He may well "love" you like he says, and think you're the embodiment of all he wants in a woman.  Unfortunately for you, he is not in a place in his life to settle down permanently with you.  

Please LISTEN and BELIEVE when someone is honest with you like he is being.  He is telling you the truth.

[MissCanuck]

I am sorry, OP. That must have hurt a lot to hear. 

He is planning his exit from this relationship, if we're being totally honest. He doesn't want what you want out of this, and he's not ready to commit you forever. He knows that leaving for a year (and making it clear that you are not welcome to join him) is going to damage the relationship probably beyond repair - and he still wants to do it. 

I think he doesn't quite have the heart to tell you that he doesn't see a future together anymore, but please understand that he wouldn't be considering leaving like this if he still wanted to keep you in his life. You two really need to have that hard talk about whether it's time to part ways. 

[smackie9]

He’s not giving you a choice here, he’s leaving. IMO you should give him something to think about by kicking him to the curb. 

[HeartGoesOn]

If he truly loves you as he says, he'd never take the chance of losing you.  I'm sorry, but the chances of having a future with him are slim to none, (imo).

[greendots]

When someone really wants you, they fight to be with you. They don't find reasons to let you go.

[Andrina]

Couples who are invested in one another long-term come to a consensus on major decisions. He has not asked your opinion on HIS decision. He is not leaving for a career or educational reason, which would pay off for the BOTH of you, along with discussing a plan for the LDR with input given by each in the partnership. That's the only reasonable reason this long of a separation should be happening. His reason is to enjoy being a nomad and the sense of freedom that is the opposite of "settling down."

I'm sure he cares about you, but not to the extent of what you, or any average person in a longterm relationship, normally desires. Your love for him has likely been the driving force and glue that has held you two together for so long. You've perceived his love has equalled your own, but by what you've written, it's unfortunately clear he's willing to lose you because of this decision. Though you can't imagine a life without him, it's actually best since you deserve someone who cares for you as much as you do him.

Of course breakups are upsetting. There is no way around that. But he's not upset about what he's doing to you, so feel right about breaking up--that it's the right decision.

I have a feeling you will sacrifice your own happiness, naively expecting he will return to you after a year. I believe it's a mistake. If you do decide to do a LDR, why not sit back and see how much effort he makes without you being the sole initiator of contact? Perhaps the effort he makes, or lack of it, will give some insight you may or may not want to realize. Take care and let us know how it goes.

[Lambert]

I think the writing is on the wall, OP and you have to act in your own best interests which is to take care of yourself.  I am sorry.  This does hurt and it's hard to turn your back on someone you consider the love of your life.  But you have to be strong and let go because this is one of those defining moments.  the love of your life is YOU.  And anyone who would put you on hold, needs to be let go.  

He used a lot of pretty words to put it gently, but the result is the same.  He is planning the future without you.  

[SooSad33]

10 hours ago, fighterfly3 said:

Recently, he said we may not have the same goals. I want to move in together, which I've wanted to but pressure is on more-so as my current situation isn't the best. He was also the one who brought up living together when I told him how my current situation became.

Last night he told me he only wants to do that to make sure I am okay and would stay in his also not great living situation in order to save money and come and go as he pleases. He also said if he does not get a promotion in his job that he's up for in November then he wants to go back overseas for about a year, but does not want me to come.

He has done a lot of traveling when he was younger and wants to go back to one of the places, and said Im not coming with him because my job is setting me up well (with pay and eventually way down the road advancement). He also doesn't like being stagnant in the same place/job for a while.

Do you agree - that you two may not have 'the same goals'?  ( I can see this re: him seeming to want to move around his jobs/homes).  So, is he correct there?  that you are more to be just fine settling in one place? This is something YOU need to look at seriously, otherwise, it can end up causing resentment, etc.

As for moving in together, doesn't sound like that'll happen, not with his 'plans' ( But, this is only if this other job is a flop).

As for his work plans, I can still see things working out, as he plans to only go for about a year. I'm sure, if your 'love' is strong enough, you two can handle at least a year apart.  Many have made things work out on the distance thing. No one said you can't go visit him maybe after a cpl months or so? 

As for moving in together, doesn't sound like he's quite ready for that.. and you need to accept that.  Shouldn't be a rush on stuff like that. (especially due to his idea for the next year or 2).

Anyways, some things to think on... Just because he wants to travel to work, doesn't mean this relationship is done...right?

 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Do you agree - that you two may not have 'the same goals'?  ( I can see this re: him seeming to want to move around his jobs/homes).  So, is he correct there?  that you are more to be just fine settling in one place? This is something YOU need to look at seriously, otherwise, it can end up causing resentment, etc.

As for moving in together, doesn't sound like that'll happen, not with his 'plans' ( But, this is only if this other job is a flop).

As for his work plans, I can still see things working out, as he plans to only go for about a year. I'm sure, if your 'love' is strong enough, you two can handle at least a year apart.  Many have made things work out on the distance thing. No one said you can't go visit him maybe after a cpl months or so? 

As for moving in together, doesn't sound like he's quite ready for that.. and you need to accept that.  Shouldn't be a rush on stuff like that. (especially due to his idea for the next year or 2).

Anyways, some things to think on... Just because he wants to travel to work, doesn't mean this relationship is done...right?

 

 

 

 

I don't think the bf is motivated enough to make things work with a year apart- his reasons for going and his casting away of her concerns/not making her a priority -doesn't sound good to me.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think the bf is motivated enough to make things work with a year apart

I don't think so, either. 

A guy who wants to go abroad alone for a year is not a guy who is that invested anymore. 

[JustMeMyselfI]

On 2/27/2023 at 10:30 PM, MissCanuck said:

I don't think so, either. 

A guy who wants to go abroad alone for a year is not a guy who is that invested anymore. 

Couldn't agree more. He has plans for himself and you're not included. Just leave.