She puts relationship on hold. what do I do?

[Davidgrx]

Hi,

7 years ago I went on a date with a woman. We left it at one date. During the years we had contact by whatsapp for Xmas, happy birthday etc... Nothing more

Last summer we started to chat suddenly more and we had our second date (yes 6 years later). we just had a Coffee and talked. It went wel. We broke up with our partners, she caught him cheating on her again and my relationship was already dead for months.

So we went out, called each day, saw eachother each week..our children met eachother also. We celebrated Xmas.

And as she worked for her ex in a company she is afraid he will do her something like blaming some transactions whic she can loose her home, if he knows she is seeing another man (she was the accounted of the company). So she suddenly said to me she wants to put our relationship on hold until she is totally out of the company. Some papers still must be done in June. She has already another job in the meantime, which pissed her ex off.

But she really cut me off. No phone, WhatsApp, nothing. When I chat after two weeks asking how she is doing she says she misses me a lot and that she only wants me and she will be always mine. She says she will search for me again. But now she wants to be alone.

So what totally I don't understand why does she exclude me from her life? She says she wants to be alone and once everything is ok she will search for me.

I am confused. I know she loves me and I love her. But why excluding me when I never did something wrong.

Is her reaction normal?

Should I wait for her?

Should I ignore her.

I know if I go on a dating site I will have a date the same day. She always said that she is afraid I would leave her for somebody else.

So totally I don't get her reaction. If she is afraid of her ex, why freezing our relationship which gets damaged.

And she doesn't chat to me. I know she responded to be polite, she also did that to her ex when we were together.

So should I ignore her and leave her alone? Until when? When is the time limit of such a thing. 1 week,month,....?

When would I start forgetting about her?

 

Any help is welcome

[gamon]

Seems pretty clear, she wants to be left alone.

That means no contact.

Start forgetting about her a week from next Tuesday.

 

[waffle]

14 minutes ago, Davidgrx said:

I know if I go on a dating site I will have a date the same day.

And there's your answer.

[MissCanuck]

Shes's not done with her ex. I can nearly guarantee that. I bet you come to find out she is giving him another chance.

I'm sorry OP, but this is way too messy. Don't put yourself on hold for her at all. Find a woman who is not tethered to an ex like this. 

[Kwothe28]

27 minutes ago, Davidgrx said:

And she doesn't chat to me. I know she responded to be polite, she also did that to her ex when we were together.

 

And what does that pattern of behavior tells you? That she didnt talk to her ex when you were together and now she doesnt talk to you? 

Dont wait for her. She probably already got back to her ex.

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, Davidgrx said:

. If she is afraid of her ex, why freezing our relationship which gets damaged.

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately yes it seems like he's threatening her. All you can do is step back and see if she contacts you. There seems to be more to this story.

[Davidgrx]

38 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Shes's not done with her ex. I can nearly guarantee that. I bet you come to find out she is giving him another chance.

I'm sorry OP, but this is way too messy. Don't put yourself on hold for her at all. Find a woman who is not tethered to an ex like this. 

She is die with him. That I know as he asked her to marry him and she said no. He has everything money can buy, but she don't want his money, she never did. He also cheated on her twice in the past.

So that I am 100% sure. She left him and a 3500€ a month job for a 1000€ one

[Davidgrx]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately yes it seems like he's threatening her. All you can do is step back and see if she contacts you. There seems to be more to this story.

Thx. So I should just wait for her to contact me? How long you advice me to wait? Yes there is some more I think. But she doesn't tell me everything as it seems her ex wasn't really always legal with taxes. And in June she must see him and then the other people of the company to sell her shares on the anual meeting

But what I don't understand is she wants no contact. Not me or her friends.

I want to help her but she doesn't let me.

So should I give her some weeks or a couple of months?

[Coily]

From the sounds of it you should give her six years... Honestly she sounds like a flake at best. I think you are better off just recognizing that she is not someone you can have a real functional relationship with.

Regardless of her ex, she needs to do some soul searching, and you aren't in the mix of that.

Hopefully you find a great match worthy of your time and effort.

[waffle]

Just now, Coily said:

From the sounds of it you should give her six years...

This was going to be my answer too.

[Davidgrx]

52 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

And what does that pattern of behavior tells you? That she didnt talk to her ex when you were together and now she doesnt talk to you? 

Dont wait for her. She probably already got back to her ex.

She responded to him as she is a very polite person and also at those moments he still was her boss.

 

[Cherylyn]

You were put on pause.  Don't wait in standby mode.  Wish her all the best and part ways peacefully.  Go NC (no contact) as well.  Move on.  Don't revert back anymore. 

[waffle]

It's still relatively early where I'm at.  If you jump online right now you could secure a date by later this evening.

[Davidgrx]

6 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

You were put on pause.  Don't wait in standby mode.  Wish her all the best and part ways peacefully.  Go NC (no contact) as well.  Move on.  Don't revert back anymore. 

Thx. I think it is what I must do.

[Davidgrx]

7 minutes ago, waffle said:

It's still relatively early where I'm at.  If you jump online right now you could secure a date by later this evening.

Where I love it's almost midnight 🤣 but yes, who knows I must start thinking on that possibility.

Still I love her a lot.

[Kwothe28]

21 minutes ago, Davidgrx said:

She responded to him as she is a very polite person and also at those moments he still was her boss.

 

I dont think you understand what I was trying to say. People are creature of habits. As such, no matter how much we boast as individuals, some of our behaviors can actually be predicted. When she was with you she politely responded her ex and wanted to have nothing with him. And now she politely responds to you and wants to have nothing with you. Do you see the pattern there?

This is not "on hold", this is her pattern of behavior. When she is done with somebody she cuts them off completely. Dont wait for her, just find somebody else.

[Davidgrx]

3 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dont think you understand what I was trying to say. People are creature of habits. As such, no matter how much we boast as individuals, some of our behaviors can actually be predicted. When she was with you she politely responded her ex and wanted to have nothing with him. And now she politely responds to you and wants to have nothing with you. Do you see the pattern there?

This is not "on hold", this is her pattern of behavior. When she is done with somebody she cuts them off completely. Dont wait for her, just find somebody else.

Got it

.you are right. I understand

[Andrina]

Doesn't really make sense that she was fear-free your first 5 months together, and now all of sudden she uses fear as an excuse. If the ex is this involved, he'd have known you two were dating.

This is her way of exiting with less drama. Keeping you dangling from afar, figuring in 6 months you will have moved on, and/or your emotions will have cooled. 

It's wiser to have a "What you see is what you get" attitude. If she's mired in drama, assume she will always be. Some people find dysfunction normal and create it. 

A decent person doesn't attempt to put a person on ice like this.

Go no contact so the spider doesn't catch you in her sticky web again.

And I suggest not dating until you no longer love her--no longer think of her on a daily basis. It's not fair to another woman. Have fun hanging out with your guy friends for a while. Take care.

[HeartGoesOn]

Not thai it matters at this point, but she'd have much more respect for you if you cut the cord.

Why not put yourself back in the drivers seat, while giving your self-esteem a well deserved boost?

[Davidgrx]

6 hours ago, HeartGoesOn said:

Not thai it matters at this point, but she'd have much more respect for you if you cut the cord.

Why not put yourself back in the drivers seat, while giving your self-esteem a well deserved boost?

That's what I sometimes think. That she just wants that I say goodbye.

But what confusing me is that she says she misses me and the day she has arranged her life she will contact me again and if I still want to continue we do and if not she says "that's the risk I have taken"

But this gives me the feeling it's a person that with whatever issue in life first exclude everything from her life.

Also I noticed she put de offline option on WhatsApp si nobody knows she is online.

I asked to talk this afternoon and she was ok with that. Because I think she must be clear. And I need a closure on all of this.

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, Davidgrx said:

He also cheated on her twice in the past.

So that I am 100% sure. She left him and a 3500€ a month job for a 1000€ one

So?

That means nothing if she is person with dysfunctional relationship habits. He clearly still has an emotional hold on her if she is afraid of entering another relationship because of him. 

You need to wake up, man. Stop making excuses for her. 

[Davidgrx]

We gonna have a call later today. Let's see what happens

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Davidgrx said:

But what confusing me is that she says she misses me and the day she has arranged her life she will contact me again and if I still want to continue we do and if not she says "that's the risk I have taken"

Watch the feet and not the lips -what she does not what she says.  I missed my ex fiancee when we first broke up.  A lot.  I ended the relationship first, he then realized we should end it.

I wanted him back really right away - he said no because he knew I'd have the same doubts after a romantic short lived reconciliation.  He was right I believe.  But almost 8 years later we reconnected -we were different people and different people who now fit, clicked, were right for each other.  We were so lucky for a second chance but if he'd taken me back when I asked we'd likely have had too much baggage/bad history to ever make a go of it again. We've been together since 2005 married since 2008.  We were in our late 30s when we reconnected.  

[JTCW]

15 hours ago, Davidgrx said:

I want to help her but she doesn't let me.

So should I give her some weeks or a couple of months?

Nope. This was her soft way of backing out of the relationship.

[smackie9]

Dude she's just using you for soft landings when things get bad. He telling you she misses you is called breadcrumbs...because that's all you are getting. It's her keeping you on the hook for her emotional use. You are being play sir.