Living situation problems with my girlfriend

[TacticalLinguine]

Would love to hear the girlfriend's side of the story. To me it's sounded from the start like you fuel the drama just as much but through mental gymnastics you convince yourself to be the victim. 

This isn't working. Your words alone show your distain. End it. 

[bigbossmg]

She is constantly accusing me of masturbating (her last boyfriend did it so she is assuming I do it too), even though I am not. Constantly skeptical about me, and the things I do. I walk on eggshells all the time. We've once again had conversations about the stuff mentioned in this thread, but all she is doing is playing the victim card and getting mad when I mention a breakup if these things continue happening.

Right now this is close to breaking up, and I think it will be the end of us. I finally started expressing my opinion instead of holding it in, and now she can't accept that.

[boltnrun]

How is that any of her business? And why are you caving in to her demands for highly personal information?

This is your life forever if you choose to stay in this relationship. Surely there are better ways to deal with the things going on in your life than using this toxic relationship as a distraction. 

[bigbossmg]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

How is that any of her business? And why are you caving in to her demands for highly personal information?

This is your life forever if you choose to stay in this relationship. Surely there are better ways to deal with the things going on in your life than using this toxic relationship as a distraction. 

I'm still trying to figure out why she is bothered by that so much. I'm guessing she is afraid I would look at another woman while doing that or think about another woman. Because that's what happened in her past. She is constantly bringing her past in and making bad decisions.

I'm not bugging her about every single goddamn thing. I'm only telling her to stop doing the things I mentioned in this thread and we would live a very happy life. We are constantly going through the same arguments - on repeat. This is what I told her. If we have a new problem, no worries, let's sit down and talk, but for the last God knows how many months, it's constantly been the same problems over and over again. Problems that we already solved and talked about.

And now, she is not used to me expressing my opinion and having boundaries and she is on the defensive and blaming me.

[boltnrun]

She does all of this because you allow it. Instead of saying "that is none of your business" you answer her invasive questions and defend yourself.

As I said, this is how your relationship will be. Forever.

Is this toxic drama preferable to actually dealing with the things that have happened recently in your family? Is the distraction worth putting up with a demanding, entitled child?

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, bigbossmg said:

Right now this is close to breaking up

Good. It is very obvious that there is no future here for you.

Sooner or later it will end. Relationships like this eventually crash and burn, so I would stop dragging out the inevitable and break it off now. 

[tattoobunnie]

6 hours ago, bigbossmg said:

She is constantly accusing me of masturbating...

Your body, your choice to masturbate or not.  That's your business.

 

6 hours ago, bigbossmg said:

Right now this is close to breaking up, and I think it will be the end of us.

Thank the heavens! She is a horrendous person.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, bigbossmg said:

. We are constantly going through the same arguments - on repeat. 

It seems like things are coming to a head, and that may be a good thing in the long run.

It seems as though you realize trying to appease her is like playing Whac-A-mole  

[bigbossmg]

I'm also getting sick of her mother.

Yesterday, her mother was very disappointed, and upset. My girlfriend's brother told her how sad she is blabla., basically fishing for attention and now my girlfriend again insist we hang around her house because "her mother is sad". Nobody loves her, she does everything for everyone and people are constantly hurting her etc. I feel like we have to babysit her. 

My girlfriend wants me to work Thursdays and Fridays from their house so that her mother is not alone. So, I would have to babysit her while I work lol. I've told my girlfriend even if I do work from there those two days to keep her company she would still be alone as I am working and don't have time to talk to her all the time.

This doesn't seem normal to me. I'm not her child, I'm not a babysitter, and she is old enough to not behave like this, I don't want to spend my whole life pampering an adult whenever she feels sad.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, bigbossmg said:

I'm also getting sick of her mother.

Yesterday, her mother was very disappointed, and upset. My girlfriend's brother told her how sad she is blabla., basically fishing for attention and now my girlfriend again insist we hang around her house because "her mother is sad". Nobody loves her, she does everything for everyone and people are constantly hurting her etc. I feel like we have to babysit her. 

My girlfriend wants me to work Thursdays and Fridays from their house so that her mother is not alone. So, I would have to babysit her while I work lol. I've told my girlfriend even if I do work from there those two days to keep her company she would still be alone as I am working and don't have time to talk to her all the time.

This doesn't seem normal to me. I'm not her child, I'm not a babysitter, and she is old enough to not behave like this, I don't want to spend my whole life pampering an adult whenever she feels sad.

What are the ways you benefit here- you get to feel and act superior -you've made many comments like that in this thread.  You might like the sex.  You can tell yourself you are in a relationship and not "alone".  Figure out why you are staying -what you get out of it -even if the truth hurts.  

Obviously if your girlfriend's mom is not ok on her own then gf has to figure out whether it's time to pay and hire a companion and/or aide for the mom.  That's on her.  

You're unwilling to assert boundaries or "tough love" or a reason -you benefit from it.  I had to do this last night. 

My son had his first ever real sports related "meet" yesterday (he is 14!) -he had to get on a van with his teammates, go out to a different school 30 minutes away and compete in his sport.  Which he just took up a month ago.  He told me in advance he was scared of the whole situation - lists of reasons why.  I told him to go and I told him why -I'm his mother after all. 

He got to the place and he's texting me incessantly -he is scared, he doesn't want to compete, it's too crowded, it's intimidating.  It would have been SO much easier to give in -to call the coach, make an excuse, let him sit out and just watch.  But I knew I had to do the right thing.  I knew he should compete (this is a non-contact sport, totally safe, coach is awesome).  I knew he would deeply regret it if he didn't.  I knew I would not be taking the easy way out (as you are in this situation).  I finally told him - stop texting me.  Tell your coach your concerns and then go out and do your best to have fun -this is your first meet so don't worry about "winning".  I told him I'd be ignoring his texts.

This was so so hard for me.  To fight against giving in and/or pampering.  I give this example because it's the same dynamic here even though you're not her parent.  Stand your ground -for your sake and -secondarily for hers so she learns she cannot behave this way (in my case my primary motive was for his benefit but still). 

I was really nervous that he'd feel all alone there, not end up competing -no fun for me cause doing the right thing isn't always fun/easy as you know.  Also always the risk your loved one will be "mad" at you.  (He competed.  And he won and he was so proud of himself and the boy I picked up afterwards looked even more mature than that morning and was so happy I'd made him stay.). 

Take the risk of her breaking up with you - if you're not willing to end it.  Make your boundaries clear, no further discussion and without getting defensive or whiny or pleading.  Quiet and firm.  And then walk away -I'd walk away entirely if I were you but at least stop making silly excuses and taking the easy way out.  Is it really worth feeling so superior to them and telling yourself you're rescuing damsels in distress? You're not.  It's a story you tell yourself to rationalize the passivity.  

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, bigbossmg said:

My girlfriend wants me to work Thursdays and Fridays from their house so that her mother is not alone. This doesn't seem normal to me. 

Simply don't agree to this. Don't even argue the point. Explain you'll be working from home.  This family seems to have a lot of dysfunction.

[boltnrun]

So we know she is making ridiculous demands that you disagree with. We also know you're looking to be distracted from your family issues. Apparently you prefer to deal with the constant conflict between you and this girlfriend than go through the process of dealing with your grief and a new family dynamic. But is it worth it? Only you can decide.

The longer you stay in this relationship the more enmeshed you'll be with her and her family.  Do you truly want this? If not, don't prolong it. 

[Andrina]

Many people have downsides in being subject to their significant other's dysfunctional or toxic family. Sometimes the quantity is minor because of perhaps the family's physical distance, so it's doable. When their presence invades your emotions negatively, daily or weekly, that should be a dealbreaker to anyone. 

It's like you're held prisoner to that family's bubble. Let's just give an example. What if anytime in the future you took a vacation and absolutely loved a particular town in another state and could find your dream job there. With your gf, who might now be your wife on that day in the future, you would not be able to move.

Because it's wiser to assume the family dynamic will still be intact that her mother would have a fit and play mind games to keep her daughter within inches of her sight.

So you are sucked within the gravity of this mother's orbit until she dies. 

As I believe I said in an earlier post, as a teen I dated a guy whose mother was like this, though more low-key in her tactics. Though I hadn't even had much life experience, I broke up with him right after high school graduation as the life I pictured with that woman as an in-law wasn't what I wanted for my one precious life. 

You're handing control of your life over to others who are making your world smaller rather than just enjoying your company when you decide, of your own free will, to share your life with them.

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, bigbossmg said:

This doesn't seem normal to me. I'm not her child, I'm not a babysitter, and she is old enough to not behave like this, I don't want to spend my whole life pampering an adult whenever she feels sad.

So...why haven't you broken up with her yet?

 

[Tinydance]

Well the thing is that people don't change. I don't think that complaining about your girlfriend and her family will solve anything. You actually have very good proof of that because nothing you say to your girlfriend actually works and she just doesn't care how you feel. Also there is the saying: "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree". Your girlfriend sounds just like her mother's "mini me" and acts the same. Immature, self absorbed and dramatic. Except in the mother's case it's even worse because she's probably 40 + years old. At least in the case of your girlfriend you could say she's still young. Although she doesn't act like a 22-year-old but more like teenager. You really don't sound happy in this relationship so why continue it?

[harmony]

On 2/16/2023 at 1:07 PM, bigbossmg said:

Got her brother a way better job, gave the other brother a lot of life advice to the point that the only person he likes to talk to is me (even though he is older 4 years than me), etc. And her? Oh, my God, I've changed her life so much that she should be grateful forever. Even though she is not. Got her the last 5 jobs she had, even this one with the high pay, helped her with her college, introduced her to a bunch of people and my friends, and made her waaaay more mature than she was...

She got a job where she will travel a lot, and the pay almost equals mine.

You look down on her and her family. Something to think about. Do you like staying with someone you think is beneath you? 

Also, I'm confused about your and your girlfriend professional lives. If she's working a job where she travels a lot, how are you able to do this unusual "living together" at both of your parents' homes arrangement? Doesn't her travel effect her living at her parents' house? How are you able to "get" her such an awesome job when her resume consists of working at a different shop every few months? You describe her as immature and dependent on her parents. Why do you keep finding jobs for her? Why would you recommend someone like that for a highly-paid job? You cannot possibly think she would make a good employee.

I also find it unusual that two highly-paid professionals could or would choose such an unconventional and disruptive lifestyle. What's the benefit to either of you to always be spending nights at different homes? According to you, your combined income is more than 8x the average. Why are the two of you living like vagabonds?

[Kwothe28]

On 3/9/2023 at 10:42 AM, bigbossmg said:

Yesterday, her mother was very disappointed, and upset. My girlfriend's brother told her how sad she is blabla., basically fishing for attention and now my girlfriend again insist we hang around her house because "her mother is sad". Nobody loves her, she does everything for everyone and people are constantly hurting her etc. I feel like we have to babysit her. 

 

Ah, "the helicopter parent". In older times we didnt bond that much with our kids. Mostly because, well, nobody knew if they would live long enough or not but also, societal norms were like that and you just didnt bond with children. But with advancements in medicine, you got from having 7-8 kids so 1-2 could live past 30, to just having 1 or 2 of them. And we have gone from almost no bonding to "helicopter parenting". Overprotective and overcontroling way of parenting where we dont even let kids to "spread the wings". So, in return, kids get stuff like decreased self-esteem, undeveloped coping skills, anxiety, undeveloped life skills. Does that remind you on someone?

Your girlfriend is a "hostage" of her mother. Of somebody who "locked" them at home and needs them to constantly be there for her. She will never let your girlfriend to leave the nest. Not for a job, not for you, not for anything else. Again, you should really think if somebody like that is a serious partner for the future. When she cant even spend couple of days outside of her home and absolutely needs to be there. That is not something normal and shows how much both of them are dependant on each other. And it creates you loads of trouble even now(when it should be more smooth sails and where you should be creating a life together on your own outside of your families), let alone if you would commit more there by marriage or kids. 

[Batya33]

I absolutely think -and know-people can change and adults especially can choose not to be "like" their parents -choice might mean therapy, or not, lots of work, or not.  The problem here is your gf doesn't wish to change -and neither do you because you keep making excuses to rationalize this passivity/pity party stuff. I truly am sorry for the loss of your parent!! That's not the pity party I am referring to! I'm talking about not wanting to change how you react to your gf and by extension her mother.  

Your gf has no real motivation to change -you keep giving in and enabling her.  But yes people can change -I made many significant ones, and have seen it time and time again.  But it can take work and the person has to be motivated and have the desire to. Do you?  She doesn't at this point.

[bigbossmg]

Yeah, and my girlfriend gets upset immediately if I mention an apartment where the two of us are alone. She feels like she is too young to leave her home and doesn't want to go to an apartment with me alone yet. But why does it matter because we're practically living together already? I mean, isn't it better to live alone in our place where we don't have to move every few days? It's like she doesn't understand that we are a young couple that needs to have time for themselves to develop the relationship. I've even told her that. 

She is actually mad at me because for the first time I'm not budging in and am not letting her get her way every time. That's what she is mad about, or "disappointed" as she said lol.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, bigbossmg said:

t's like she doesn't understand that we are a young couple that needs to have time for themselves to develop the relationship. I've even told her that. 

You seem to be ignoring the elephant in the room -you're not responding to why you are choosing passivity and the easy way out.

I don't think any couple has to live together before marriage to "develop the relationship" - they can develop and grow as a couple without sharing living space.  Sometimes even more because playing house can lead to unrealistic expectations -you've done that now -she now expects you to live in this arrangement and kow tow to her and her mother.  So you have chosen a situation that is hampering the two of you as a couple.  If you both lived in your own space and spent lots of time together you'd get to know each other more as independent equals.  

Had I lived with my husband prior to marriage it would have hampered our growth as a married couple.  Less than 3 months after our wedding we became parents for the first time. In my 550 square foot apartment.  Had we gotten used to living together without our son we'd have been in for far more of an adjustment than the 2-3 months we did so prior to his birth (and for much of that time we actually were long distance!). We spent tons of time together during our courtship -but we kept our own places.  

My parents married in their early 20s, as did my best friend from high school, and my sibling.  First two examples -from their parents' homes to the marital home.  My sibling briefly lived on her own. 

Of course living together is an adjustment.  If you see it as a test of compatibility (for me it wouldn't have been -you can't test compatibility as a family with a newborn with like a stuffed animal or even a pet I'd say) then find someone who feels the same -that you have to share physical living space and pay for a place in order to see if a marriage or long term commitment would work.  You might feel that way.  She does not. She also does not act like a person who wants a long term commitment to you as an adult couple - and it's not because she won't rent an apartment.  That might be one of the symptoms but that's a minor reason. I think you know that. Sharing physical space won't transform her into that person.

 

[boltnrun]

Is this thread a place for you to just vent and then continue in your situation? Because you completely ignore the questions from me and others as to why, if this girlfriend is so obviously the wrong one for you, you choose to stay in this relationship. 

[Tinydance]

9 hours ago, bigbossmg said:

Yeah, and my girlfriend gets upset immediately if I mention an apartment where the two of us are alone. She feels like she is too young to leave her home and doesn't want to go to an apartment with me alone yet. But why does it matter because we're practically living together already? I mean, isn't it better to live alone in our place where we don't have to move every few days? It's like she doesn't understand that we are a young couple that needs to have time for themselves to develop the relationship. I've even told her that. 

She is actually mad at me because for the first time I'm not budging in and am not letting her get her way every time. That's what she is mad about, or "disappointed" as she said lol.

She's not too young to move out to an apartment with you. I know times are different now but for example my Mum married my Dad when she was 20 and she had me at 23. So your girlfriend's age. She lives at home with her whole family so it would make sense to want her own place. 

In any case, what the main big issue is you just aren't on the same page about big values. It doesn't matter what the values are but for a relationship to work they need to be the same. Yours are really different. You value being mature, running your own business, getting your own home. She doesn't and wants life to be easy and her Mum doing everything for her, you getting her jobs.

She also thinks it's normal that her Mum acts like a child too. She makes you feel bad if you leave the mother "alone". But she's not even alone! She has a husband and another son there, plus a second son that visits. Also unless she's sick or disabled, so what if she's alone? She needs to go do things and have friends. Her children will get married and have kids one day and live away from her. She needs to stop being a big cry baby.

[MissCanuck]

You complain a lot, but don't seem to do much else towards changing your situation. 

What advice are you looking for at this point?