Why does my boyfriend Get easily frustrated with me

[nati]

 

3 examples of the last 4 days.

 

Sunday we where setting up an office table. I was helping him. He asks me to look up the calculator on his phone. I was doing that as fast as I could. But I coulant Find it right away. In the mean time he was pressuring me to do faster, and explaining me how to Find it. To Find it fast I was just writing it in the search balk, as he just takes te phone out of my hand and act al irritated because I want looking for it like he told me to.

 

Seconden example sunday night. I had my first sales on an online shop. And i was looking how to best send my product. When he just takes it out of my hand, because I wasnt doing it right he says… he then gets mad when I dont do it like he tells me.

 

Third example is tuesday. I went to his work with somting to eat. And once he was home dinner was already made and I had light up a couple of candles. We decided to look up wedding songs, because we are getting married in a couple of months. And in the beginning it went wel but after a while I told him a wanted to let him hear a song that I liked for a wedding. ( all this was happening on my phone). So I took my phone back in my hands And looked it up. He didn't like it. But after that song I just scrolled to find other wedding songs we could hear togheter. He got upset And irritaded with me because we continued on that page for a bit. He says that I dont listen to him. And that he wanted to continue listening on the page we where before. I told him we where doing that for quite a bit already And I just wanted to try hearing other songs too. I just felt so awfull that we had to discuss about such a silly matter in such a hard way. Listening to wedding songs should have been a moment full of love. Even when he saw me in tears e didn't knew what he did wrong

 

Why does he act this way?

 

Am I over reacting?

[boltnrun]

He acts that way because you accept it. Have you ever said "I need you to speak to me with respect"? Crying shows him you are not only allowing him to mistreat you but that he's in total control. 

What does he say when you ask him to please stop treating you like an unintelligent child?

[Seraphim]

He treats you like a naughty child. That needs to stop and it won’t stop after marriage . Please don’t get married . 

[nati]

I do say to him all the time that I dont like the way he talks to me. But he doesn't get it. He says that i don't understand him. And I m not making an effort to understand him.

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, nati said:

I do say to him all the time that I dont like the way he talks to me. But he doesn't get it. He says that i don't understand him. And I m not making an effort to understand him.

That means he wants to keep speaking to you in a disrespectful way. And that he doesn't intend to stop. And you staying with him gives him permission to continue. 

Also, abusers always blame their victims. It's YOUR fault he has to treat you like an unintelligent child. If you just "understood" him he wouldn't have to speak to you disrespectfully and he wouldn't have to grab the phone out of your hands. This is their standard MO. 

Think long and hard about whether or not you want fifty years of this guy doing this to you. He won't stop. In fact, he'll escalate because by marrying him you are showing him you like being treated this way (at least in his mind). 

If you're intent on staying in this relationship, the next time he does this tell him you're leaving until he can apologize and start treating you like an intelligent adult. And follow through. Repeat until he gets it. I personally wouldn't bother, but if you are determined to marry him you have to insist on respect. 

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, nati said:

I do say to him all the time that I dont like the way he talks to me. But he doesn't get it. He says that i don't understand him. And I m not making an effort to understand him.

Also act it. He's been warned so the next time he pulls this crap politely and firmly walk away. "I am walking away because I feel disrespected." My teenage son knows I won't tolerate that sort of disrespect because of my words and consistent actions.  He still does it at times -cause he's 13 - but I show him what I expect and I model it too by doing my utmost to treat him with respect. 

Does he drink a lot of caffeine/not get enough sleep? This does NOT justify acting like a jerk but I wonder if he's generally irritable.  Does he behave like that at work? I feel irritable/impatient -I'm type A -and I do the adult thing and either do not show it or I keep my distance when I feel that way so I don't subject others to my mood.  He has to learn to treat you with respect -and act it. 

Tell him you're not going to make an effort to "understand" him if he speaks to you in a disrespectful way and, as always, you're happy to be supportive and helpful if he treat you appropriately.

[Seraphim]

Then you both need couples counselling. Btw abusers often make it your fault .  

[nati]

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

That means he wants to keep speaking to you in a disrespectful way. And that he doesn't intend to stop. And you staying with him gives him permission to continue. 

Also, abusers always blame their victims. It's YOUR fault he has to treat you like an unintelligent child. If you just "understood" him he wouldn't have to speak to you disrespectfully and he wouldn't have to grab the phone out of your hands. This is their standard MO. 

Think long and hard about whether or not you want fifty years of this guy doing this to you. He won't stop. In fact, he'll escalate because by marrying him you are showing him you like being treated this way (at least in his mind). 

If you're intent on staying in this relationship, the next time he does this tell him you're leaving until he can apologize and start treating you like an intelligent adult. And follow through. Repeat until he gets it. I personally wouldn't bother, but if you are determined to marry him you have to insist on respect. 

I do it. I leave the conversation. Or just go to an other room at night. He comes to sit next to me then. Trying to talk things out but he doesn't get it.

[nati]

3 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Then you both need couples counselling. Btw abusers often make it your fault .  

Yea I told him that we needed that a couple of times already. Today he finally agreed to it

[bluecastle]

19 minutes ago, nati said:

Yea I told him that we needed that a couple of times already. Today he finally agreed to it

This is good news. Hopefully a therapist can help you two better understand each other—and him, especially, to understand that he needs some new tools when frustrated.

I'm curious: How long have you been together, and would you say that what you're describing here—which is basically his need for complete control—has been present throughout the relationship? I ask to understand if this is usual behavior or something new. 

[nati]

7 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

This is good news. Hopefully a therapist can help you two better understand each other—and him, especially, to understand that he needs some new tools when frustrated.

I'm curious: How long have you been together, and would you say that what you're describing here—which is basically his need for complete control—has been present throughout the relationship? I ask to understand if this is usual behavior or something new. 

We are together 5 years now. All for all he is a good boyfriend. He loves me very much and can't go to sleep if we fight. He isn't bad but I often see that he isn't always capable of doing right by someone emotions. We worked on that and other things in our relationship and it is better than before. But I just don't get that he can't be just a loving boyfriend. It seems that it is really difficult for him to have patience and letting things go and not having a certain control over the situation. Like he feels not heard when I dont do what he ask. But I am my own person too. As long as the results are the same I dont see why it has to be done in a certain way.

[Batya33]

18 minutes ago, nati said:

We are together 5 years now. All for all he is a good boyfriend. He loves me very much and can't go to sleep if we fight. He isn't bad but I often see that he isn't always capable of doing right by someone emotions. We worked on that and other things in our relationship and it is better than before. But I just don't get that he can't be just a loving boyfriend. It seems that it is really difficult for him to have patience and letting things go and not having a certain control over the situation. Like he feels not heard when I dont do what he ask. But I am my own person too. As long as the results are the same I dont see why it has to be done in a certain way.

He is capable.  Perfectly capable of controlling his reactions to frustration, crankiness, irritability, impatience.  Perfectly capable of choosing to treat you with respect.  Unless he has some sort of disorder that actually prevents him? Or is he on meds and the wrong dosage? He chooses not to get it because that would require effort on his part to make different choices.  Maybe even to make dietary/lifestyle/sleeping changes so he doesn't get so easily frustrated in the first place.   Do you get that you are making excuses for him?  At your own expense?

[Wiseman2]

53 minutes ago, nati said:

. It seems that it is really difficult for him to have patience and letting things go and not having a certain control over the situation. 

Yes, he seems to want control. It's not that he "doesn't get it", it's that he wants to be in control. 

It's great you're getting premarital counseling. Hopefully you two can work on his control issues.

Because it's not about whatever the topic at hand is, it's about control.  Basically controlling you.

[smackie9]

Try the counseling and let us know how it's going. We can elaborate then. 

[Betterwithout]

Yes, counselling is a must.  A must because you have to be able to openly address the issue in front of an experienced counsellor, so the words come from their mouth as well. (not just yours).

Then begins the behaviour change.   

If he cannot manage his anger, there is no telling what else may happen down the road for you.
 

[Cherylyn]

He acts this way because he's extremely CONTROLLING. 

No,  you're not overreacting.  Cancel the engagement AND wedding stat!  It's better than cancel now than divorce later. 

Be with a man who knows how to treat you with respect which is the definition of love.  Anything less than respect,  consideration and kindness is a real deal breaker.  There are absolutely NO exceptions.  Ironclad. 

My BIL (brother-in-law) is extremely controlling towards his wife,  my sister.  Now she puts up and shuts up.  They have 3 kids and he controls the kids, too.  We know who wears the pants in his family.  ☹️  It's not easy to get involved with a messy divorce later. 

[reinventmyself]

2 hours ago, nati said:

 He loves me very much and can't go to sleep if we fight.

But I just don't get that he can't be just a loving boyfriend. It seems that it is really difficult for him to have patience and letting things go and not having a certain control over the situation.

These are two contradictory sentences in the same paragraph.

How you define being loved?  It sounds as if you might feel loved if he was respectful towards you and you didn't need to become small so he can feel big.

The continual putdowns, corrections and lack of patience would not feel loving at all.  It actually smacks of being somewhat abusive.  He seems to like to put you down so he can feel in control.  It's designed to break you down.  The mere fact you aren't certain if this is wrong, not speaking up and asking if this is ok is an indicator his put downs are working.  This typically escalates over time and especially after you commit to a lifetime of marriage.

I would start challenging this dynamic now.  Calmly tell him it's not ok for him to speak to you this way.  If he has true abusive tendencies, he will escalate it.  If he's able to listen and have some ownership and understanding of how it makes you feel, you have something to work with.

In the mean time give some serious thought to what type of actions would make you feel loved.   Beginning with some respect  . .that you aren't currently getting.  

Being told you are loved and the actions towards you that are loving are entirely two different things.  Make certain words and actions match.  And if you still aren't sure, turn off the noise and only focus on his actions.

[Coily]

Is this a new pattern of behavior or the most recent of a long stream of bad behavior on his part? 
 

If this is how he has always been, then you need to reevaluate your relationship, and seek couples counseling. If this is a drastic change from his normal demeanor, then he may have other things building up that he’s not sharing.

I am not a fan of his behavior, but since you have invested 5 years and in the verge of marriage; you need to dig a little deeper. I think you already have a fuller picture, but you need to rationalize it.

[boltnrun]

When I was married I had some conflicts with my husband regarding "how" to do things. Especially when I had experience or had looked for information ahead of time.or there was an easy solution. I would become frustrated with him because he insisted on doing things his own way even if it caused additional problems. For example, he would not ask for directions. He.Would.Not.Ask. We drove around countless times in circles because he just refused to ask! It made no sense to me so I would get frustrated. I remember one time in particular he made the same wrong turn three times in a row. I finally exploded and told him if he made that same wrong turn one more time I was getting out of the car and finding the nearest divorce lawyer. 

I know that was a bad way to deal with my frustration. I should have used better tools to have a calm, mature and respectful discussion with him. Maybe planning better ahead of time WITH HIS INPUT so those things wouldn't happen. 

I hope you both are able to find a better way to deal with these differences. 

[Betterwithout]

1 hour ago, Coily said:

but since you have invested 5 years and in the verge of marriage; you need to dig a little deeper. I think you already have a fuller picture, but you need to rationalize it.

That's the hurdle you have to confront OP.    You have invested many years and told everyone in your life that you are marrying this person.  A tough ordeal indeed, and now you have approach this with some serious thought.
People on this forum have a wide range of experiences, many first hand experiences, so please take their advice as good advice.

I do worry his irritability will eventually escalate to emotional or physical abuse since these things start small.   But I don't know him, so maybe he is willing to acknowledge and change his behaviour, but it has to start with you standing your ground to him and what you will tolerate.

Pre-marital counselling can really help, so please do so.

[nati]

11 minutes ago, Betterwithout said:

That's the hurdle you have to confront OP.    You have invested many years and told everyone in your life that you are marrying this person.  A tough ordeal indeed, and now you have approach this with some serious thought.
People on this forum have a wide range of experiences, many first hand experiences, so please take their advice as good advice.

I do worry his irritability will eventually escalate to emotional or physical abuse since these things start small.   But I don't know him, so maybe he is willing to acknowledge and change his behaviour, but it has to start with you standing your ground to him and what you will tolerate.

Pre-marital counselling can really help, so please do so.

I have the feeling that I gave you all a really dark vision of how he is. He gets frustrated easily but he don't verbally assault me. He just let me feel his frustration. And I feel sad about it because I don't feel loved when he does like that. And yea many times he takes work out of my hand because he thinks he can do it better. But he changed really much since the beginning. Really really much. 

[Cherylyn]

6 minutes ago, nati said:

I have the feeling that I gave you all a really dark vision of how he is. He gets frustrated easily but he don't verbally assault me. He just let me feel his frustration. And I feel sad about it because I don't feel loved when he does like that. And yea many times he takes work out of my hand because he thinks he can do it better. But he changed really much since the beginning. Really really much. 

He manipulates (controls) you.  He will only grow worse should you marry him and then you will feel entrapped.  ☹️

[Betterwithout]

5 hours ago, nati said:

Listening to wedding songs should have been a moment full of love. Even when he saw me in tears e didn't knew what he did wrong

It's not good that he had almost an once a day "episode of frustration" during an engagement period.

Scrolling through wedding songs should be fun and 0% stress!  

I can't speak for the others, but I am not sure what his reaction would be if there are larger stresses in your life....you spilled spaghetti sauce on the white couch, or your baby s***s on his favourite shirt.
Do you think he will be patient in those circumstances after you tie the knot?

Again, I don't know that guy....but counselling is a must in my eyes.!

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Betterwithout said:

It's not good that he had almost an once a day "episode of frustration" during an engagement period.

Scrolling through wedding songs should be fun and 0% stress!  

I can't speak for the others, but I am not sure what his reaction would be if there are larger stresses in your life....you spilled spaghetti sauce on the white couch, or your baby s***s on his favourite shirt.
Do you think he will be patient in those circumstances after you tie the knot?

Again, I don't know that guy....but counselling is a must in my eyes.!

That's what I was thinking about too -if you have kids or if you have to take care of your parents if heaven forbid they are ill/need you to arrange care for them.  Putting aside words like abuse or assault - marriage requires teamwork, patience, kindness.  As my mom says - it requires giving -and then more giving -no not giving if you're being mistreated -but showing kindness and compassion.  We all lose patience at times it's a matter of degree though.

[Cherylyn]

He's red flags all over the place.  I would never marry a man like that!  No way.