anon4108 Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 I (male) met a woman (from an app) a couple of months ago, and we've been seeing each other for a month now. Yes, it's a bit early to be getting analytical but we are both looking for something serious due to age/ family reasons - Her parents have even set a soft deadline of 4 months (it's adjustable, they're understanding, but the "arranged" process may start after that - not uncommon here) I am nearly 31 as well, and I don't want to take my chances on dating apps at that age, nor be middle aged and still dating. So, we want to figure whether it's worth spending more time together or move on. We find each other mature, communicative, and a lot of our practical, "boring" parts align (views on future, family, money, relationships etc) We want similar things from life in those areas. It overall seems safe. There's good communication, we share feedback and criticism without getting defensive and there's overall peace of mind - this is very important to me, and is what's keeping both of us in this. But the excitement, the fun stuff, not so much (mainly for me) Often on our dates we have moments where we don't know what to talk about next and there's silence. That's fine, could change, but this is more often than normal - especially when it's a new person, you find it hard to stop talking because there's a connection, it's so much fun and you're compatible enough that you have stimulating conversations for hours about topics that excite the both of you. That's rarer in our case. We talked about this (which is great!) and agreed that it could be a killer in the long term. We don't really have that "best/fun friend" energy, someone you'd enjoy hanging out with on boring, mundane days once the novelty wears off. My main issue - I don't feel any excitement about her (haven't from the start) Heck, there isn't any previously mentioned novelty there for me to lose. I don't think about her or miss her or anything when she leaves, but I'm happy to make time and meet her (she does seem to initiate more plans too) and I like her company - not that I'm trying to run from our dates. Ideally I'd love to find someone that's artsy, has similar interests, someone who I find "cool". We have similar mindsets about the practical stuff, but different tastes in the "fun stuff". In those ways I don't admire or look up to her, in a "wow this person is rad, glad I'm with her" kinda way. That's a bit disappointing for me. It's more like "wow this person is a nice person, that's rare, glad I'm with her". A few superficial things about her are also turn-offs for me. But I also fear that looking for the fun, cool stuff is asking for too much, and for trouble. That maybe those things don't matter as much in the long run? Then I worry that I'm "settling" for something safe which will lead to resentment from me years later. And if I don't make her feel wanted, appreciated, she'd eventually resent me too. She's picked up on this and has mentioned that I never compliment her and often seem disinterested. She is admittedly more interested in me, despite our differences, but I'm unable to return that. At times I have felt I'm forcing it and trying to make myself see how good she is, instead of actually feeling it. But then I tell myself to not do anything rash (as I have done and regretted before) and this time - give it a chance without making judgements too early. Maybe the "cool", similar, exciting person is a childish dream, and maybe with time this will get more interesting. We have quite different careers (I'm in art and she's in corporate law) and there's a gap and disappointment there too. Consequently, the difference in tastes gets wider here, and adds to the disappointment (especially since media/art is also related to my work) Edit: I don't want to sound like an a****** but I think's it's important to add this. I keep feeling that I'm maybe aiming a bit low, that I could do better. My day consists of work, hobbies, cooking, reading, whereas hers is working really, really hard during the day, and relaxing/ TV etc in the evenings and not much else. I guess this ties into my excitement/ attraction to her as well. I'm only somewhat attracted. I don't know if I'm being judgmental but this part does bother me. To be clear, it's not ALWAYS dull. We have nice talks, we both love karaoke, and enjoy each other's humor. But the earlier points remain. We often start a topic we're both engaged in, but soon enough the fuel runs out and the car stops. This fuel tank seems much smaller than my other relationships (including friendships) She says I've been giving her mixed signals and I feel terrible about that, because I am confused, but no one should have to deal with someone going hot and cold - that's manipulative and not what I want to do. Tl;dr - Can't figure out what's more important, if you had to choose one - to be with a good person or to be with someone you click with? It seems like we're both willing to stick around because we know how toxic relationships can be and we find each other quite understanding and mature. So I'm wondering whether to take the fun, "small things" incompatibility seriously and move on (and possibly regret it later) or whether to stay because this is safe, peaceful and not abusive, and that's hard to come by, and my initial lack of excitement is not something to worry about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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