In a relationship that's peaceful but unexciting, unsure whether to continue

[anon4108]

I (male) met a woman (from an app) a couple of months ago, and we've been seeing each other for a month now. Yes, it's a bit early to be getting analytical but we are both looking for something serious due to age/ family reasons - Her parents have even set a soft deadline of 4 months (it's adjustable, they're understanding, but the "arranged" process may start after that - not uncommon here) I am nearly 31 as well, and I don't want to take my chances on dating apps at that age, nor be middle aged and still dating. So, we want to figure whether it's worth spending more time together or move on.

We find each other mature, communicative, and a lot of our practical, "boring" parts align (views on future, family, money, relationships etc) We want similar things from life in those areas. It overall seems safe. There's good communication, we share feedback and criticism without getting defensive and there's overall peace of mind - this is very important to me, and is what's keeping both of us in this.

But the excitement, the fun stuff, not so much (mainly for me) Often on our dates we have moments where we don't know what to talk about next and there's silence. That's fine, could change, but this is more often than normal - especially when it's a new person, you find it hard to stop talking because there's a connection, it's so much fun and you're compatible enough that you have stimulating conversations for hours about topics that excite the both of you. That's rarer in our case.

We talked about this (which is great!) and agreed that it could be a killer in the long term. We don't really have that "best/fun friend" energy, someone you'd enjoy hanging out with on boring, mundane days once the novelty wears off.

My main issue - I don't feel any excitement about her (haven't from the start) Heck, there isn't any previously mentioned novelty there for me to lose. I don't think about her or miss her or anything when she leaves, but I'm happy to make time and meet her (she does seem to initiate more plans too) and I like her company - not that I'm trying to run from our dates.

Ideally I'd love to find someone that's artsy, has similar interests, someone who I find "cool". We have similar mindsets about the practical stuff, but different tastes in the "fun stuff". In those ways I don't admire or look up to her, in a "wow this person is rad, glad I'm with her" kinda way. That's a bit disappointing for me. It's more like "wow this person is a nice person, that's rare, glad I'm with her". A few superficial things about her are also turn-offs for me. But I also fear that looking for the fun, cool stuff is asking for too much, and for trouble. That maybe those things don't matter as much in the long run? Then I worry that I'm "settling" for something safe which will lead to resentment from me years later. And if I don't make her feel wanted, appreciated, she'd eventually resent me too. 

She's picked up on this and has mentioned that I never compliment her and often seem disinterested. She is admittedly more interested in me, despite our differences, but I'm unable to return that. At times I have felt I'm forcing it and trying to make myself see how good she is, instead of actually feeling it. But then I tell myself to not do anything rash (as I have done and regretted before) and this time - give it a chance without making judgements too early. Maybe the "cool", similar, exciting person is a childish dream, and maybe with time this will get more interesting.

We have quite different careers (I'm in art and she's in corporate law) and there's a gap and disappointment there too. Consequently, the difference in tastes gets wider here, and adds to the disappointment (especially since media/art is also related to my work)

Edit: I don't want to sound like an a****** but I think's it's important to add this. I keep feeling that I'm maybe aiming a bit low, that I could do better. My day consists of work, hobbies, cooking, reading, whereas hers is working really, really hard during the day, and relaxing/ TV etc in the evenings and not much else. I guess this ties into my excitement/ attraction to her as well. I'm only somewhat attracted. I don't know if I'm being judgmental but this part does bother me.

To be clear, it's not ALWAYS dull. We have nice talks, we both love karaoke, and enjoy each other's humor. But the earlier points remain. We often start a topic we're both engaged in, but soon enough the fuel runs out and the car stops. This fuel tank seems much smaller than my other relationships (including friendships)

She says I've been giving her mixed signals and I feel terrible about that, because I am confused, but no one should have to deal with someone going hot and cold - that's manipulative and not what I want to do.

Tl;dr - Can't figure out what's more important, if you had to choose one - to be with a good person or to be with someone you click with? It seems like we're both willing to stick around because we know how toxic relationships can be and we find each other quite understanding and mature. So I'm wondering whether to take the fun, "small things" incompatibility seriously and move on (and possibly regret it later) or whether to stay because this is safe, peaceful and not abusive, and that's hard to come by, and my initial lack of excitement is not something to worry about.

[tattoobunnie]

Your expectation of a full-on emotionally intimate relationship after only dating for one month is super unrealistic.  If you want excitement, rent a smash room, go skydiving, learn archery together, axe throwing.  She's not there to entertain you.  Who misses a person after one month.  People who are diehard in your face love bombing all anxiety driven fireworks, that's a trainwreck and red flag.

[Batya33]

I think you're overthinking this and questioning your standards.  I think if it doesn't feel like friendship caught on fire within the first month or so - if there isn't chemistry and the za za zoom as Carrie described it on Sex and the City then I'd move on.  

Sounds to me like you'd be settling if you want a romantic relationship in the typical sense.  A marriage of convenience -sure.  But you obviously don't want that or you wouldn't be overthinking this.  Don't marry Right on Paper -that's settling.  Or "oh well you know so many unhappy/jaded people out there and -gasp -middle aged people who are Still Single - I'd better settle for what I have in front of me and squelch the idea of the dream of someone else.  Also a terrible role model for a child if you have one - it will feel icky to them/him/her to see the parents generally ho hum about each other and not having fun/clicking together. 

The standard is not "we know how toxic relationships can be" or how "abusive" relationships can be- I mean really? Why are you in a relationship at all if you have such a negative view of relationships? The problem is you're prime to be vulnerable to coming across someone who knocks your socks off -it will start innocently as a friendship -a  fun friendship -but because you're feeling less than and deprived at home you're very vulnerable to immense temptation to stray.

No don't go for bad boy/love bombing drama. I mean the quiet excitement that comes with chemistry -romantic chemistry. That might start out over the top but because at the core you click you can always re-spark and also have fun -I only have to say a few words to my husband that triggers an inside joke from many years ago and we're both cracking up lol

(Oh we were engaged in our early 30s and broke up -we started dating again at age 38-39 and the world didn't stop moving on its axis because we were so old and Still Single.  We got married and had our son at 42.  The one downside was we likely could have tried for another baby if we hadn't started so late but we're thrilled with our family).

[Lambert]

what are you doing to make it exciting?

[Kwothe28]

Sounds like you indeed are "settling" there. People in certain age think its their last chance to be happy sometimes and how if they dont find somebody right away they would end up all alone and without a family. Which in a biological sense could be true in terms of a kids. But in terms of a partner, people find somebody even in old age. Its important to find somebody, sure. But its more important for that somebody be somebody who you would really like. And not struggle to even talk to them and dont feel anything in a first month where you should be all over them. Dont settle for somebody that doesnt make you want to spend time with them.

[smackie9]

You are "settling" out of desperation. Emotional connection=, having the same passions/interests, and each bringing new things to the relationship to keep things fresh is crucial for the long haul. Everything looks ok on paper, but it's not going to work. You or her or both will end up having emotional affairs to fill that void. You may as well cut the cord now. What's better...still dating right now, or divorced at 36 having to start over? 

[Coily]

Super early for this level of thinking.

I don't know if this is settling or just external pressure (parents) who are sucking the fun out of getting to know her. As asked earlier what are you doing to make things "exciting?" What do your dates consist of, what new things have you tried as a couple?

Now sometimes a marriage without the sparks and the butterflies evolve in to long lasting and very loving relationships. But they take effort and a willingness to think outside the box.

Also I think there is an element of that pressure that is skewing your perception of both her and your situation in life. Ignore that and find some fun date ideas, give it some more time and thought. I would write out a pro and con list of this relationship before making any decision.

 

[Cherylyn]

If you're not happy nor excited and have different interests regarding downtime, then you're doing her a disservice by hanging onto a relationship which is going nowhere for you.  Stop wasting her time, energy and resources on you.  No sense continuing a relationship when you're unhappy with the person you're supposed to be happy and excited about.  There is no spark for you.

Your off work hours may have something to do with your careers.  You're in the arts whereas she has a very intense job as a corporate attorney reminiscent of my relative who has the same profession.  After her work hours, my relative is mentally exhausted so naturally she wants to veg once she's at home with cooking, watching TV and relaxing.  She's in no mood to jump up and do exciting activities because she is tired from a very demanding job whereas you're in the arts and can afford the brain space and energy to do more exciting things.

Perhaps find someone who shares your similar job so both of you can dive into exciting downtime activities, be on-the-go and have similar interests. 

I've noticed that if a person has a stressful day job, once home, they prefer to chill, have quiet time and de-stress.  They don't want to wind up and have excitement at a hyperactive pace.  They have enough of that during the day. 

My job requires hard concentration and I'm drained by day's end.  Once off the clock, I want to relax.  I don't want to be doing this 'n that outside the home.  I prefer quiet.  I never have the TV on as droned background noise which drives me bonkers.  It's turned off or I'll wear ear buds with an extension cord to the TV.  For example, if I'm watching the news.  After I come home from work, I need to have a cup of tea while I read several newspaper subscriptions (real paper).  I prefer silence after having to talk all day with colleagues.  Sure, I'll have conversations with my husband but in general, a quiet home is bliss.  During evenings, I'll read some library books or work on my hobbies (sewing quilts).

We have some outings but it's not all the time. 

Your energy level is different than your girlfriend's.  You want to do more activities and have more conversations and she's not on the same wavelength as you.  She prefers a mundane pace whereas it's boring for you and you want more.  She's not the one for you long term nor marriage.  Choose a compatible partner and / or wife someday.  Don't be stuck in a relationship if you're unhappy.

[sislee20]

It sounds like this is int gonna work for you. You almost come across as if you want your cake and it eat to ou tline. And that is absolutly fine reach for the stars if thats what you want to do. But you may not always fine all 101 things that your looking for in a woman. It doesnt seem like you two ever had a fireword stage and that is also rare. If your not feeling anything for her and only accept her comany when your time is open. Doesnt seem fare to her and i would be highly open with her. Maybe you two can remain friends but this doesnt seem like the right relationship for you and that is okay. You would be off being single lthen always wondering if you settle because you didnt want to be alone. And then beat yourself up later. And making her feel unwanted and you being standoffish is not fare to her as well. And FYI you dont always have to same the interest to spend time together. My boyfriend have a some what big age gap so are interest are not the same at time and some times they are but even when we are together but both are doing different things we are still spending together, we are sharing are company with one another and then we will talk to eachother about what we are doing and that keeps the connection there. And yes it could still beway to early to know this for sure. You two are still just getting to know eachother and open to one another, Im sure yu guys havent reached the point were you two can be your full self around one another. You maybe over thinking and now that it is stuck your head you cant unthink it type thing. But i truely think you r best thing to do is talk to her about it, you said your communication is great so go for it, who knows she maybe thinking the same thing as you and doesnt know to react on it. good look with every thing 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, anon4108 said:

 - Her parents have even set a soft deadline of 4 months  "arranged" process may start after that - 

She's picked up on this and has mentioned that I never compliment her and often seem disinterested. 

Even in arranged marriages isn't there a process to see if you're a good match? In this case she already senses you feel like "you're settling", so don't waste your or her time when your heart isn't in this. Ask your parents (or find yourself) someone more compatible and attractive to you.

[smackie9]

I knew someone who had an arranged marriage. Her and her chosen husband were allotted 3 months to get to know one another and to see if they liked each other. It was love at first sight. I remember him coming by to pick her up, they could hardly keep their hands off each other lol. 

[Tinydance]

I am really getting the sense that you aren't into this woman romantically but maybe just feel like you SHOULD be into her because she's a good person. I'm also sensing from your post that you feel some kind of pressure to be with her. I gather you're from a traditional culture where there are arranged marriages and I'm guessing people in their 30's are meant to be settled down?

Because the thing is that you don't HAVE to be with her or anybody else. Like, being with someone is not a must, it's a choice. And that choice should be made from the fact that you actually love being with that person. Are you being told by anyone like friends or family that you need to settle down or be with this woman? Or do you think it's pressure you're putting on yourself?

One thing I guess you should probably think about is that you said you think you could probably do better. I guess whether you could actually do better depends on whether you also have other options of women, other opportunities to meet more women. Do you generally date a lot? I guess what I'm trying to say, if in your culture you're expected to settle down now and there's arranged marriage, do you think you'd rather be with this woman who you do like in some ways? Or let go of her and keep trying or get an arranged marriage? I'm only saying this from the perspective that do you want to just make a decision to be with her or take the risk of arranged marriage with someone you might like even less?

I think whether you actually can realistically do better would depend on your personal circumstances and whether you can easily find other women. If you're quite sure you don't want to be with this woman then my advice would be not to be with her. But if you're not completely sure then you could give it another month or two and see how things go. I would probably try to listen to your gut feelings rather than what you think you *should* feel. 

The point I was trying to make about arranged marriage is that if you are actually expected to marry someone at some point that I guess you need to choose a person you like more than all the other people you've been presented with. I guess you could think about if you actually have romantic feelings for this woman? If you don't then probably no point being with her.

[anon4108]

20 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

If you're not happy nor excited and have different interests regarding downtime, then you're doing her a disservice by hanging onto a relationship which is going nowhere for you.  Stop wasting her time, energy and resources on you. 

Agree with this completely.

 

20 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Your energy level is different than your girlfriend's.  You want to do more activities and have more conversations and she's not on the same wavelength as you.  She prefers a mundane pace whereas it's boring for you and you want more.  She's not the one for you long term nor marriage.  Choose a compatible partner and / or wife someday.  Don't be stuck in a relationship if you're unhappy.

It's kind of the opposite - I prefer spending my off hours working on hobbies, fitness, read etc whereas she'd want to go out, drink, de-stress that way (or just chill at home watching something) and just relax. Regardless, your point stands either way - there's a gap.

[anon4108]

21 hours ago, Coily said:

Also I think there is an element of that pressure that is skewing your perception of both her and your situation in life. Ignore that and find some fun date ideas, give it some more time and thought. I would write out a pro and con list of this relationship before making any decision. 

Yeah its her parents' pressure and possibly my own imaginary deadline as I age. I was thinking of a pros and cons too - ill give that a shot.

[anon4108]

22 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

Your expectation of a full-on emotionally intimate relationship after only dating for one month is super unrealistic.  If you want excitement, rent a smash room, go skydiving, learn archery together, axe throwing.  She's not there to entertain you.  Who misses a person after one month.  People who are diehard in your face love bombing all anxiety driven fireworks, that's a trainwreck and red flag.

Chill out, I think you're misunderstanding - I mean the feeling of disinterest is not a good sign - not that it should be the extreme opposite. The excitement to want to see someone again is what I meant. Agreed with your last line.

[anon4108]

22 hours ago, Batya33 said:

A marriage of convenience -sure.  But you obviously don't want that or you wouldn't be overthinking this.  Don't marry Right on Paper -that's settling.  Or "oh well you know so many unhappy/jaded people out there and -gasp -middle aged people who are Still Single - I'd better settle for what I have in front of me and squelch the idea of the dream of someone else. 

This is exactly what it is, thanks for wording it better for me.

The rest of your reply is also super helpful, thank you so much for the perspective :)

[anon4108]

22 hours ago, Lambert said:

what are you doing to make it exciting?

Karaoke, drinking dates, lunch, movies, home dates - it's nice but there's a feeling of dissatisfaction.

[anon4108]

22 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Sounds like you indeed are "settling" there. People in certain age think its their last chance to be happy sometimes and how if they dont find somebody right away they would end up all alone and without a family. Which in a biological sense could be true in terms of a kids. But in terms of a partner, people find somebody even in old age. Its important to find somebody, sure. But its more important for that somebody be somebody who you would really like. And not struggle to even talk to them and dont feel anything in a first month where you should be all over them. Dont settle for somebody that doesnt make you want to spend time with them.

This is really helpful(and true, the stuff about the age) thank you!

[anon4108]

21 hours ago, smackie9 said:

You are "settling" out of desperation. Emotional connection=, having the same passions/interests, and each bringing new things to the relationship to keep things fresh is crucial for the long haul. Everything looks ok on paper, but it's not going to work. You or her or both will end up having emotional affairs to fill that void. You may as well cut the cord now. What's better...still dating right now, or divorced at 36 having to start over? 

Thanks, have had the same thoughts but needed to read that!

[anon4108]

20 hours ago, sislee20 said:

You maybe over thinking and now that it is stuck your head you cant unthink it type thing. But i truely think you r best thing to do is talk to her about it, you said your communication is great so go for it, who knows she maybe thinking the same thing as you and doesnt know to react on it. good look with every thing 

Definitely over thinking it, and we have talked about it as you suggested too - she agrees that we are pretty different and this could be an issue down the line. We're decent company to each other, just not great, excited company.

[anon4108]

19 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Even in arranged marriages isn't there a process to see if you're a good match? In this case she already senses you feel like "you're settling", so don't waste your or her time when your heart isn't in this. Ask your parents (or find yourself) someone more compatible and attractive to you.

I guess - I'm not planning the arranged route just yet. Maybe if nothing works out in another 4-5 years then yeah. But you're right - we're probably wasting time in this.

[Jaunty]

So her parents are going to arrange a marriage for her if you two don't make a commitment?  

But you personally are not planning on an arranged marriage and you aren't getting that kind of pressure from your own family?

[anon4108]

13 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I am really getting the sense that you aren't into this woman romantically but maybe just feel like you SHOULD be into her because she's a good person. I'm also sensing from your post that you feel some kind of pressure to be with her. I gather you're from a traditional culture where there are arranged marriages and I'm guessing people in their 30's are meant to be settled down?

You're totally right about this - and there's multiple sources of pressure. My parents aren't pressuring me, but I do feel my options will reduce as I age (and I become less "eligible". This is more of a thing here as we're still more conservative) There's pressure on her to decide as well (from her parents) so I feel like I should let her know where this is going so as to not waste her time. Then there's my own fear of not getting someone "nice" if I let go of this. My friends also liked her (only met her once) so that's also confusing. And, she really likes me, which makes me start to question my own judgement, that maybe I don't know what's good for myself

(^ I wish I had written all that in the main post, that's the crux of it)

13 hours ago, Tinydance said:

One thing I guess you should probably think about is that you said you think you could probably do better. I guess whether you could actually do better depends on whether you also have other options of women, other opportunities to meet more women. Do you generally date a lot?

I do date a lot, but they never seem right (which might be a deeper underlying issue, and what has led to me to start questioning my judgement!) A lot of the dating recently was casual, and I'm moving on from that, so there's that too. 

13 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I guess what I'm trying to say, if in your culture you're expected to settle down now and there's arranged marriage, do you think you'd rather be with this woman who you do like in some ways? Or let go of her and keep trying or get an arranged marriage? I'm only saying this from the perspective that do you want to just make a decision to be with her or take the risk of arranged marriage with someone you might like even less?

Yeah thats more or less it - I could be with her, someone I like in some ways and am kinda attracted to. But that's not fair to her either. But cynically speaking, it's safer than trying again and landing up with something bad.

13 hours ago, Tinydance said:

If you're quite sure you don't want to be with this woman then my advice would be not to be with her. But if you're not completely sure then you could give it another month or two and see how things go. I would probably try to listen to your gut feelings rather than what you think you *should* feel. 

The point I was trying to make about arranged marriage is that if you are actually expected to marry someone at some point that I guess you need to choose a person you like more than all the other people you've been presented with. I guess you could think about if you actually have romantic feelings for this woman? If you don't then probably no point being with her.

Ideally - the "other people I've been presented with" would contain multiple options that feel right for me. Unfortunately this seems to be quite rare, and I come across very different people. Maybe it's just me, or it's where I live.

I would be up for another month or two, but I think we might just get attached despite not being right for each other, which would complicate things.

Overall yeah, I think it's better to move on and take the risk of trying again for something that does feel right, rather than continuing this and possibly resenting each other.

[Lambert]

56 minutes ago, anon4108 said:

Karaoke, drinking dates, lunch, movies, home dates - it's nice but there's a feeling of dissatisfaction.

These are nice activities, but you can do them with anyone.  My question asking what are you doing to make things exciting was directed more at how you are projecting to her.  Are you happy and excited to see her?  It's a two-way street... if you aren't feeling it and just going through the motions when you two are together, then she's going to respond to that.

Maybe you are putting too much thought into this and you need to just decide-- hey this isn't what I am looking for.  No one wants to be your pity date.  She sounds like she could do better, too.  

Sometimes we struggle because we know what is right, but we don't like it.  You are afraid you won't find better, but that's more a you issue, than a her issue.  Be someone that is exciting and interesting to be around.  Like attracts like.  Settling ends the search.  

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, anon4108 said:

Yeah its her parents' pressure and possibly my own imaginary deadline as I age. I was thinking of a pros and cons too - ill give that a shot.

Pros and cons are ok -but not to try to convince yourself to be with someone or marry someone. Most often when people click there's no need to do any pros/cons -i was the "runaway bride" for years and tried the pros/cons, talking to people, rationalizing.  Fortunately I didn't marry Mr. Right on Paper and I didn't settle.  I sure took the long way around and felt the pressure in my 30s but it all worked out great.