Panicking that I haven't found the one

[Jaunty]

Serious question, and this is probably going to sound harsh:

Picture yourself in 20 years, if you stay your current course of rejecting any and all avenues of changing your patterns.   

You will NOT be exactly the same as you are today.  Your loneliness and bitterness will have increased.  Your hopefulness will be diminished.  Your body and face probably will look less good.  Some things may be better - you might have more money, for example.  But will you be pleased with your choice to stay in a rut that you created for yourself when you were in your 20's?  I don't think so.

[Andrina]

Two dates in a year isn't going to get you what you want. When I did OLD, I usually had at least two dates per month. Plus I went to a weekly swing-dance group lesson that was followed by a dance. I also went to a Meetup.com group for singles in my age group when my work schedule allowed. Went to a blueberry festival, a barbecue, drinks on the balcony of a local bar through that group. My friend set me up with her husband's co-worker. Out of all of those multitude of men I met, only one worked out, and that was my goal.

During that time did I cry a few times out of frustration and loneliness? Yes. Was I disappointed about the ones I was into but they weren't into me? Absolutely. Yeah, dating is hard but be realistic that it takes meeting a boatload of men before finding a keeper. Put at least one thing on your calendar per week that will get you out into the world. I have faith there will be someone who is a good person, just like you, who is having a hard time finding a partner as well. You can't find each other by having a pity party and hiding away in your home.

[Batya33]

When I met men through online dating I typically met 3-4 in person per week -unless I had started dating someone more than once then I might slow down the meeting of new people depending how it was going. 

I went to around 3 events/month that involved single people, I did volunteer work weekly where I was around my peer group (meaning could lead to meeting people through fixups or socializing after -and there was one man who wanted to date me but by that time I was serious with my future husband).  I got set up a lot and set other people up a lot -who sometimes returned the favor.  

And when I was 28 I moved 9 miles to be right in the city teeming with singles.  I lived there for 15 years.  Totally worth it. Small one bedroom apartment, haphazard furniture, no "decorating".  I was financially independent starting after grad school/late 20s.  I totally respect that you value being a homeowner/decorating and I don't think that appeals to single men as much as being able to see you without battling traffic from the city to the burbs or from anywhere to where you live. 

My dates and I very often could meet up by walking/quick train ride to a place for dinner/art gallery/museum/bar/dance place/theater and then walk somewhere for dessert after etc.  And going to a singles event usually was really easy to get to so it didn't add on another two hours of driving/parking.

[Alex39]

I am definitely hearing all of your advice. I go on Facebook and I see everyone, people I am friends with, people I once knew, and they've all moved on with their lives. 

Now have I? Yes. I moved to another state, bought my own home, and have a great career. 

The only way I can change my everyday life is changing myself. If I keep hiding in my house, doing nothing, nothing will change from that life. 

I did go to the gym last week, but again its a work gym, all older people I work with. So I don't see myself meeting anyone there. 

But I did it. And I worked out and I loved it again.

I joined a women's social Facebook group and I plan to go to some social events to meet other women friends. 

I plan on getting in shape and in 3 to 5 months getting back on the dating apps. 

I don't hate myself, I hate my current weight and I hate the lonely life I've created for myself. No more. I have to change. I used to get looks from men in the grocery store. Now I never get looked at. I need to fix myself. 

My priorities are all screwed up. I prioritize my dog, my cat, my family, all above me. 

[boltnrun]

27 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

My priorities are all screwed up. I prioritize my dog, my cat, my family, all above me.

Sure, that's easier but it won't get you to where you say you want to be.

Joining women's groups is great, but I suggest adding in some groups, activities or events where men will be present. Try something you've never done before. I used to be involved in auto racing as a crew member and I took some girlfriends with me to watch events. Holy cow, but the attention we got! Men were literally swarming all around us trying to get our attention and our phone numbers. My friends weren't particularly interested in auto racing but they enjoyed the social aspect. So go somewhere or do something where the men are, something that you may be only slightly interested in but could at least get you out there. You never know.

[eNotAgain]

You are making decisions surrounding the idea of having kids and that is going to land you in hot water because you will end up choosing someone out of desperation if you continue with this mindset...and trust me, divorcing someone you have kids with is hell. So this idea you have that you're running out of time is really going to trip you up and do nothing but land you in a situation you regret. Please turn your mindset around. It will lead nowhere good. You are not running out of time. Matter of fact, stop putting so much emphasis on having kids. Just throw that idea out of your head for a little while. You have the next 10 years to have kids. If you are concerned, then you can freeze your eggs too. But Ive seen so many women do what you're doing - get married right away after they think they found the one finally, pop out two babies, then they're divorced within 2 years. Happens all the time. 

[catfeeder]

On 1/28/2023 at 10:56 PM, Alex39 said:

I guess I just don't want to jump online again to face first date after first date, rejection after rejection. It's frustrating. 

Why keep going on first dates and putting yourself through all that, when you can just set up quick coffee meets to check out multiple people? Meet for 20 - 30 minutes on your way home from work, and if anyone stands you up, just take your coffee with you, no big deal. Set up as many quick meets each week as you can, take breaks when you need them, and don't invest too much in trying to impress anybody over messaging--just set up the meets.

You agree that neither will ask for a date during this time, but either can contact the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary.

Try to think of rejection as self-screening. You won't be everyone's cup of tea, but the right guy will own the vision to see and appreciate your unique value. Anyone who doesn't own that vision will pass early, and that's GOOD. 

Or think of it like two puzzle pieces that either fit or don't. A bad fit doesn't imply that either piece doesn't have equal value--they just don't belong together.

If you approach quick meets as sorting through the haystack to find a needle, you won't personalize rejection so much. It only speaks of another's limits rather than of any reflection on you. I've passed on so many guys who were perfect on paper, sweet, handsome and all the rest--we just didn't click into the kind of simpatico that I'd prefer, but there was nothing 'wrong' with them.

Head high, and try to talk yourself away from panic. Resilience is the most important life skill, and it can be learned. It's necessary in order to date, and dating is necessary to get the relationship you want.

[Tinydance]

On 1/29/2023 at 3:00 PM, Cynder said:

"The one" doesn't exist.  Let go of that idea. 

I actually agree that "the one" doesn't exist in the sense that there isn't only one person out there for us. And if we don't meet them, we're doomed because we didn't find them. I believe someone can be "a one" though. In the sense that you can feel very strongly about them that they're "the one". But if you break up with them you can probably eventually feel that way about someone else.

[Tinydance]

On 1/29/2023 at 3:49 PM, Alex39 said:

My friend had a baby at 36 and almost bled out and died during labor because she was high risk at her age. And what if I struggle at 40 to conceive at that age? I'd be so sad. 

And my friends are all having kids now. I always thought it'd be fun to have kids together to play and be at the same stage. Their kids will be 10 or 11 when I have babies. 

However there are also younger women who had a lot of complications during pregnancy and also women in their late 30's and 40's whose pregnancy was totally fine. It's true that there might be more risk at an older age but that doesn't mean it's definite.

[Tinydance]

I'm not gonna lie, I dated a lot and it was really hard. I'm also a more voluptuous woman but also pretty. I did face a fair amount of rejection but I actually found dating to be that old cliche of "it's a numbers game". I had some guys who acted really disinterested during the date and looked at other women or made up lies to quickly leave the date. But I also had other guys who were really into me and sent me messages like: "I can't stop thinking about you" and one guy who said he wants to have kids with me. So basically yeah that thing of "one person's trash is another person's treasure". Not saying you are trash!! Lol I think unfortunately with dating you need to have a thick skin and be able to handle rejection. It sounds like maybe you're quite sensitive and you find rejection very difficult. So maybe you give up on dating too quickly? 

If you want to meet someone unfortunately you're just going to have to keep putting yourself out there. I gave you a lot of advice about it before and suggested you join Meetup groups, social groups, speed dating. If you're worried about being more curvy you can use a dating app called Woo Plus. It's a plus size dating app and all the guys I met there were into plus size women. You're just not going to get any results if you don't keep putting yourself out there. 

I mean to be fair you're not actually doing anything to try to meet anyone so how can you say that guys don't like you? You don't actually know if they don't like you. And even if some guys weren't interested it's probably not personal. I think with online dating it's just mostly that they weren't feeling a spark. That was the reason why I wasn't into people. Only very rarely was it anything personal or something they actually did wrong.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Alex39 said:

 I prioritize my dog, my cat, my family, all above me. 

Is there a lot of pressure in your culture or family to be married and start a family by a certain age? You seem to not want a BF but seem to feel pressured to be married with children. Reflect if you actually want those things or if you simply feel a lot of peer pressure or family pressure or cultural pressure. Not everyone is happy being a housewife. Maybe it's just not for you?

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is there a lot of pressure in your culture or family to be married and start a family by a certain age? You seem to not want a BF but seem to feel pressured to be married with children. Reflect if you actually want those things or if you simply feel a lot of peer pressure or family pressure or cultural pressure. Not everyone is happy being a housewife. Maybe it's just not for you?

I don't sense she wants to be a housewife.  I didn't. I wanted to be in a stable happy marriage with the opportunity to start a family.  Most of my friends who wanted to be married didn't want to be housewives or househusbands, and a significant number of people didn't want to be a stay at home parent. 

From all I've read she feels the same and is scared that if at 31 she's not even out there dating, as the years go by the family part will become more challenging if she wants kids naturally.  

What about egg freezing?

Also womens groups are great because women can introduce you to men and I agree with Bolt (although don't do what I did back then -went to a coed touch football weekly game at the park near me to meet men -but had no intention of playing so my motives were way too transparent- they went out afterwards but still I'd not do this if you're not going to play or actually participate in the sport)

And someone declining to meet you isn't a personal rejection.  Same if you've only gone out a few times.  Grow that thick skin.  Many women "rejected" my husband because he is short. I preferred shorter men.

[Kwothe28]

8 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I did go to the gym last week, but again its a work gym, all older people I work with. So I don't see myself meeting anyone there. 

 

The point of gym is you working on yourself and your weight if you are not happy with it. Not meeting people there. If you meet somebody, fine. If you dont, it doesnt matter, its an activity where your focus is on somewhere else.

There is a big "controversy" right now. Where some "Tik Tok influencer" was filming herself in skimpy clothes and complaining how men stare at her. While its obvious she does it for attention as she is literally filming for Tik Tok. Anyway, I would avoid being that kind of gym member. Focus on yourself, put on a headphones if you need, and work it out. 

When you work your confidence out, there are lots of other ways of meeting somebody for dating.

[Batya33]

29 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

The point of gym is you working on yourself and your weight if you are not happy with it. Not meeting people there. If you meet somebody, fine. If you dont, it doesnt matter, its an activity where your focus is on somewhere else.

There is a big "controversy" right now. Where some "Tik Tok influencer" was filming herself in skimpy clothes and complaining how men stare at her. While its obvious she does it for attention as she is literally filming for Tik Tok. Anyway, I would avoid being that kind of gym member. Focus on yourself, put on a headphones if you need, and work it out. 

When you work your confidence out, there are lots of other ways of meeting somebody for dating.

I agree with this but I also thought classes like spin or Pilates maybe have social opportunities?  My building’s fitness center is very small and the basic etiquette is you use headphones and don’t try to initiate conversations.

But over the 10 plus years I’ve been going there I met a couple of people and had friendly conversations which still have the priority of getting your workout over with - maybe it’s different for those who don’t work out early morning to fit it in before work. 

I do know of people who meet through classes and socialize outside of the gym so I think there’s a place for that too. 

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

The point of gym is you working on yourself and your weight if you are not happy with it. Not meeting people there. 

Agree. Gyms are for fitness.  When you are ready, you can create opportunities to socialize and meet men. For example getting a good profile and pics on quality dating apps. You can also look into taking classes and courses, volunteering, joining some groups and clubs. However you're not going to meet men by joining women's groups, knitting or baking. You'll have to broaden your interest horizons and get involved in things that are interesting to men and women. Taking golf lessons or something more along those lines. 

[Alex39]

15 hours ago, Batya33 said:

When I met men through online dating I typically met 3-4 in person per week -unless I had started dating someone more than once then I might slow down the meeting of new people depending how it was going. 

I went to around 3 events/month that involved single people, I did volunteer work weekly where I was around my peer group (meaning could lead to meeting people through fixups or socializing after -and there was one man who wanted to date me but by that time I was serious with my future husband).  I got set up a lot and set other people up a lot -who sometimes returned the favor.  

And when I was 28 I moved 9 miles to be right in the city teeming with singles.  I lived there for 15 years.  Totally worth it. Small one bedroom apartment, haphazard furniture, no "decorating".  I was financially independent starting after grad school/late 20s.  I totally respect that you value being a homeowner/decorating and I don't think that appeals to single men as much as being able to see you without battling traffic from the city to the burbs or from anywhere to where you live. 

My dates and I very often could meet up by walking/quick train ride to a place for dinner/art gallery/museum/bar/dance place/theater and then walk somewhere for dessert after etc.  And going to a singles event usually was really easy to get to so it didn't add on another two hours of driving/parking.

I live in a nice condo neighborhood, but I live within 20 minutes from one young person hot spot and 30 mins from another big city hot spot, so I don't live in the middle of nowhere. 

[Alex39]

11 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Sure, that's easier but it won't get you to where you say you want to be.

Joining women's groups is great, but I suggest adding in some groups, activities or events where men will be present. Try something you've never done before. I used to be involved in auto racing as a crew member and I took some girlfriends with me to watch events. Holy cow, but the attention we got! Men were literally swarming all around us trying to get our attention and our phone numbers. My friends weren't particularly interested in auto racing but they enjoyed the social aspect. So go somewhere or do something where the men are, something that you may be only slightly interested in but could at least get you out there. You never know.

I'm hoping the women may be able to introduce me to single men that they might know. Not many co-ed groups to join that I could find, so I thought this was my best bet. 

[Alex39]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. Gyms are for fitness.  When you are ready, you can create opportunities to socialize and meet men. For example getting a good profile and pics on quality dating apps. You can also look into taking classes and courses, volunteering, joining some groups and clubs. However you're not going to meet men by joining women's groups, knitting or baking. You'll have to broaden your interest horizons and get involved in things that are interesting to men and women. Taking golf lessons or something more along those lines. 

I truly love the gym and it is just for me. My cousin met her husband at a gym so I thought it's always a possibility. But my gym isn't for young people. 

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

I'm hoping the women may be able to introduce me to single men that they might know. Not many co-ed groups to join that I could find, so I thought this was my best bet. 

No coed sports teams? Absolutely no coed hiking or exercise groups or classes? Zero events where men would likely be present such as a farmers market, car show or sporting event? No wine tasting? No beer flight events available at a brewery or bar? No sports bars? That big city you live 30 minutes from has absolutely none of these things?

I'm sure you can come up with excuses as to why you "can't" do any of those things but excuses get you nowhere.

[Alex39]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I don't sense she wants to be a housewife.  I didn't. I wanted to be in a stable happy marriage with the opportunity to start a family.  Most of my friends who wanted to be married didn't want to be housewives or househusbands, and a significant number of people didn't want to be a stay at home parent. 

From all I've read she feels the same and is scared that if at 31 she's not even out there dating, as the years go by the family part will become more challenging if she wants kids naturally.  

What about egg freezing?

Also womens groups are great because women can introduce you to men and I agree with Bolt (although don't do what I did back then -went to a coed touch football weekly game at the park near me to meet men -but had no intention of playing so my motives were way too transparent- they went out afterwards but still I'd not do this if you're not going to play or actually participate in the sport)

Not at all. I don't want to just be a wife and mother. 

I've never been in a good steady relationship. I want to meet a good man who wants to date, and do fun activities together, and who wants something long term hopefully. I am looking for a boyfriend right now. I'd be okay with having a boyfriend for years. 

[Alex39]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

No coed sports teams? Absolutely no coed hiking or exercise groups or classes? Zero events where men would likely be present such as a farmers market, car show or sporting event? No wine tasting? No beer flight events available at a brewery or bar? No sports bars? That big city you live 30 minutes from has absolutely none of these things?

I'm sure you can come up with excuses as to why you "can't" do any of those things but excuses get you nowhere.

Co-ed sports teams, we do have, but often groups of friends join together to fill the teams. Leaving zero room for one person like me to join. Who wants to be on a team with a group of already established friends by yourself? You'll be hated. Hiking and exercise groups are typically women around here. Car shows, yes, but why would I prowl a car show alone and if someone asks me something, I know nothing about cars. It seems a bit desperate to me. Why would I go drink beer by myself? I don't like the idea of drinking by myself. I find doing that regularly leads to alcoholism. 

[boltnrun]

OK, you don't like anyone's suggestions. 

I hope you find what you're looking for using the methods you're currently using 

[tattoobunnie]

On 1/28/2023 at 10:56 PM, Alex39 said:

I hate myself

None of us can fix this for you.  If you don't like yourself, why would anyone else?  You need to fake it till you make it.  Meaning, who is a person you like?  What does a person you love do?  Who is a person that you would love are?  And go be that person.  YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE at this point.  

A person who goes and travels to cool and foreign lands?  I person who helps others?  I person who never takes "No" for an answer?  A person who loves her friends fiercely?  Well-read?  

Be the badass.  One of my most favorite movie quotes, "Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around."

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

I live in a nice condo neighborhood, but I live within 20 minutes from one young person hot spot and 30 mins from another big city hot spot, so I don't live in the middle of nowhere. 

That's actually pretty far from where the real action is -two spots is not enough given your situation IMHO.  I knew you weren't in the middle of nowhere -my recommendation is live in the middle of a major city teeming with singles IMHO -if it's at all possible to do . Home ownership is awesome but it sounds like your focus now is finding a good match for yourself -this distance you described from a big city can be a dealbreaker and it was when I was dating, especially among 30 something professionals who lived near their offices in a city.

Alternatively- for now -commit to having a weekly -at least-activity involving singles in the city where you travel there and if  you meet someone make it clear you're willing to come into the city for dates despite your lovely home environment. 

And start asking new women friends if they know suitable single men for you.

[Tinydance]

You actually can meet a partner almost anywhere but the thing is that you always need to keep putting yourself out there and being around people. Yes, some people may be able to introduce you to guys but they might not know any single men or close to your age. So I don't think you should be relying just on that and you should always be taking matters into your own hands. And you do need to be proactive but unfortunately that can come with rejection.

For example, when you liked your colleague's son, you asked him out but he wasn't interested. But imagine if he was interested and the fact that you asked him out got you a boyfriend? I actually asked most of my ex's out myself, or at least I made effort towards them to show I was interested. I also asked other people out and they said "no". Of course I was disappointed but I never let it bother me to the point that I didn't ask people out again. 

I agree with the fact that you shouldn't necessarily look at the gym, every party or event as the place you're going to meet someone. Because if you don't meet anyone you might be disappointed. For example, if you're going to a party, just think of it as an event to have fun at and mingle with people. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. You can be friendly to guys and even ask their social media or their number. But don't worry if you don't succeed every time.