HUSBAND HAS LEFT ME ALONE FOR NEW YEAR - AGAIN

[ovol]

My husband has left to spend Christmas with his mothers and sisters, and their husbands, for New Year and will be away for six days (he spend a week there last month ans will spend a week there next month too) (seven hour drive away). I cannot go because we have dogs and cats to care for here - and his mother does not like me (prefers his ex wife) so i have not  been there for three and a half years. He has spent every NY there without me since we married (four years) and he knows it will break my heart again. I was crying when he left. Previously, i have just had to stay at home for NY because i do not know anybody here (we live in france - he is French, i am not), but when i hinted this year that i might go to a party, he did not care. He has a terrible temper and recently told me (not for the first time) that he wishes he had stayed with his last wife (i am his third wife). 

I recently told my husband that if he couldn't control his temper or spend more time with me (he spends a week away each month on his hobby), then we should just agree to live separate lives and see other people if we wanted to. He said no.

I am heart broken. Am i stupid, after all it is just one day; its abstract, isn't it. But i thought when we got together that i would always spend New Years with him. I am too old to be caring about this stuff really and i know it is irrational, but i keep bursting into tears when i am in the middle of something else. Am i being overemotional and stupid or is our marriage over. 

to be honest, i am not sure how much i love him now. Sometimes i look at him and think how unattractive and stupid he is - sooo glad this is anonymous! But i am still so heartbroken because i was committed to the marriage and i am not interested in anybody else (despite a recent offer). I would love for him to change his mind and come back and spend NY with me. (pathetic) - he will not, not even if i ask him to.

Am i being silly?

How do i stop feeling so hurt?

[MissCanuck]

23 minutes ago, ovol said:

He has a terrible temper and recently told me (not for the first time) that he wishes he had stayed with his last wife (i am his third wife).

You need to end this marriage. You don't need his endorsement to leave, OP. You have to find your backbone and walk away. 

24 minutes ago, ovol said:

How do i stop feeling so hurt?

File for divorce so you can one day find a man who genuinely loves you. It's pretty clear this one does not. 

[DarkCh0c0]

I'm so sorry to hear this. My god. You can't stay and endure this over and over again. If his ex-wife at those dinners?

29 minutes ago, ovol said:

He has a terrible temper and recently told me (not for the first time) that he wishes he had stayed with his last wife (i am his third wife). 

This is a seriously pos partner. He does not love you nor respect you.

You need to consult confidentially a lawyer ASAP. Serve him the papers one day and leave. Do not put up with this anymore. You deserve much better and your can do much better. You are absolutely NOT overemotional nor sensitive. You have every right to be angry, hurt, and fuming!!

Please start the process without him and find yourself a new place to live confidentially. Once you are ready, leave. Don't buy into his lies and pleads to stay. The way he treats your speaks wonder on how low he thinks of you. Tell him to go back to his ex wife and leave when you can.

[ovol]

Thank you. Especially, the the acting confidentially first advice. This is sound advice i think. Yes, also i do need to find some backbone - needed somebody to tell me that! Happy NY to you.

[1a1a]

Ooowch, forget him always ditching you on special occasions even though he knows it makes you really sad (where’s the compromise?!), he has a terrible temper and he’s told you plainly you’re not his first choice. DTMFA! (Dump this mother ***er’s arse). 
 

No matter how much you cherish the sacred bond of marriage, a live one still needs two participants to work and you’re flying solo here. 

[Starlight925]

I am so sorry you're dealing with this.  My heart goes out to you.

Agree with the previous posters that this marriage is on its last legs.

Are you from another country?  Would you go back, or stay in France?  I ask because right now, logistics are going to be the most important thing.

You say you're only married 4 years, which is not a long time.  That will serve you well in figuring things out, as you will need to go back to relying on yourself from before your marriage.  Financially, job-wise, personal friends, pets, etc.

Since it's such a short-term marriage and I'm presuming no kids, it could be a simple divorce, without even lawyers.  You can research the laws there to figure this out.

Bottom line:  Yes, this is not a good man.  He's treating you as an option, rather than as a partner.  He's using his ex to compare against you, to use it as a weapon against you.  He knows it hurts you when he brings her up, which is why he does it in moments of anger.

This is not a warm, compassionate man.

This is also not about "other offers" you may have had.  Right now, this is about you and you alone, and removing yourself from this situation.  My advice would be to figure all of this out logistically, with confidence, and give yourself 6 months to a year before even thinking about dating.  You will appreciate this advice once you are on the other side of this.

I really do personally understand this.  Trust me, I get it.

[ovol]

Thank you for your compassion. Indeed, the last thing i want is another trashy relationship. I need to figure out the logistics (work, pets, etc), which could well prove extremely tricky. But i have decided not to devote another year to this, as sad as it truely makes me. I do not wish to abandon this marriage in haste, but i am beginning to realise that i am indeed already going solo. He tells me i am not good enough for him, which i am in danger of believing if i do not do something about it. I shall spend the NY with myself! I am so sad, but your supportive words have confirmed what i know deep down to be true.

[1a1a]

Not good enough for him? Well then, you shall darken his door no more! (I’m being facetious, you’re Too good for this guy and him saying such a mean and manipulative thing to you in the first place is proof of that in my opinion). 

You still have to grieve the person you thought he was. It’s gonna suck. But once you’re out of the fire (of repeatedly unmet expectations and emotional neglect) you for sure will begin to heal. 
 

Cheering for you. 

[ovol]

Thanks. I am heartened to hear you say greiving because that is how it feels. And it does suck, utterly. Thanks for cheering. 

[Coily]

If it were just for the holiday stuff, that would be one thing. But his belittlement of you among other affronts, is a stain on his character. I would dare say that the marriage is at best a way for him to indulge himself, but it's really not a marriage if he has no respect for you. So unless you're keeping the Bourbon Kings from invading you home nation (French joke), this marriage should be terminated.

[ovol]

Thanks. No marriage, no respect; It is clear

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, ovol said:

i am not interested in anybody else (despite a recent offer)

I wouldn't doubt that visiting his family and leaving regularly for his hobby is a smokescreen for an affair. It doesn't really matter though, as his treatment of you is horrific.

I highlighted the excerpt, just so you're aware that any man flirting with a taken woman is no better than your husband.

It's wise to concentrate on yourself and your pets a good long while before you're mentally ready to date again. Yes, your self-worth needs work, or you will repeat the pattern of bad relationships.

You say he has a temper, so please ensure your safety during the exit the process. If you don't have friends and family as a nearby support system, do ask for local law enforcement to be there if you're moving out or he has to move out. Take care and keep us updated.

[waffle]

Why am I not surprised this clown has been married multiple times and even his current wife is not happy?  His next few wives probably won't be happy either. 😐 

A guy would only say to me once "I wish I was still with my second wife" and I'd be out that door before he finished his sentence.

[Starlight925]

Why are you giving this one more day, let alone one more year?

[Lambert]

I would be glad he left and be gone when he got back.  

[DarkCh0c0]

2 hours ago, ovol said:

He tells me i am not good enough for him

You should be furious at how he talks to you!!

You have done NOTHING to warrant such horrible treatment from the person who should be your #1 love and support.

He belongs to the street. Absolutely get in touch with a lawyer confidentially and serve him the papers when you're about to leave the house. Have family or friends be with you and have him communicate via your lawyer only.

40 minutes ago, waffle said:

Why am I not surprised this clown has been married multiple times and even his current wife is not happy?  His next few wives probably won't be happy either

Absolutely! I thought the same things.

[ovol]

Thank you so much for this. It has helped me feel so much stronger. I intend to work on myself now and to plan my exit strategically if i can. I think i have a lot of hard work ahead. Your thoughtful comments mean so very much

[WalterSobcha]

6 hours ago, ovol said:

He has a terrible temper and recently told me (not for the first time) that he wishes he had stayed with his last wife 

(...)

Am i being silly?

Reread that... You're not being silly. This part I highlighted is much worse than not spending the new year with you.

[Kwothe28]

9 hours ago, ovol said:

Am i being silly?

 

Nah. You have every right to be bothered that he doesnt want to spend the holidays with you. wWho is his real family and not just some afterthought. But instead he runs home to his momma. To spends his holidays with them and not with you. Even though you are married to the guy. The fact that he doesnt even wants to include you says a lot about him. And where his priorities are.

Get a good family lawyer and get a divorce. ASAP.

[catfeeder]

10 hours ago, ovol said:

recently told me (not for the first time) that he wishes he had stayed with his last wife (i am his third wife). 

If anyone ever said that to me, I'd be gone so fast my own head would spin.

I'd consult an attorney.

[SooSad33]

14 hours ago, ovol said:

when i hinted this year that i might go to a party, he did not care. He has a terrible temper and recently told me (not for the first time) that he wishes he had stayed with his last wife (i am his third wife). 

Leave him.

 

14 hours ago, ovol said:

I recently told my husband that if he couldn't control his temper or spend more time with me (he spends a week away each month on his hobby), then we should just agree to live separate lives and see other people if we wanted to. He said no.

Then you say yes - and do it! You don't feel appreciated at all and he's got a temper??  

 

YOU need to realize your self worth and this is just ruining you 😕 .  You're constantly hurting being with him.

Then can you not move back home?  Get out of France.

[ovol]

Sorry for the delayed replies everybody. I wanted to say how much your responses mean to me. You wise words have given me more strength and made me realise i might not be silly for feeling this way. Alone on New Years Eve - had a great day cleaning out the house, forming the beginings of a mental plan for my future, and ... enjoyed not being moaned at. Thanks you sincerely

[Wiseman2]

On 12/30/2022 at 9:18 AM, ovol said:

  i do not know anybody here we live in france - he is French, i am not ?

 Would you stay in his country? Hopefully you can go back home and find a way to divorce or have the marriage annulled in a timely manner. Contact trusted friends and family and be frank about the situation and ask for help.

[DarkCh0c0]

4 hours ago, ovol said:

Alone on New Years Eve - had a great day cleaning out the house, forming the beginings of a mental plan for my future, and ... enjoyed not being moaned at. Thanks you sincerely

Cheers to a newfound freedom and brighter 2023!