Girlfriends Ex at a party

[Saabman]

Hello All,

 

Quite a quick question really - if you were invited to a party by your girlfriend that was being hosted by her friend, would you expect her to check out first with the host if an ex of hers was attending was attending?

If you attended the party and you were not told an ex was there and you found out later, would you be annoyed? 

[Cherylyn]

She could check with the host but ultimately, it's the host's choice whom she or he invites and there's no control over the host's guest list.  If your girlfriend's ex was invited to the party, would you and your girlfriend decline the invitation?  Or, attend anyway regardless? 

If your girlfriend knew her ex was at the party and deliberately refrained from telling you until later, yes I would be absolutely annoyed because withholding information is deceitful. 

If you attend the party and her ex is there, act with class.  Act natural.  You don't have to love nor hate.  Practice being polite, have good manners, remain respectful and peaceful.  You don't have to be chummy.  You can remain cool, distant yet peaceful.  There is a way to behave peacefully during uncomfortable situations. 

[Kwothe28]

18 minutes ago, Saabman said:

If you attended the party and you were not told an ex was there and you found out later, would you be annoyed? 

If she knew yes, you should be annoyed and you have every right to be. She either didnt know which should be better circumstances as it just happened, or more likely did know but didnt want to tell you as you wouldnt go.

How did she behaved at the party? Because I assume you both did go already and that you are asking all this afterward.

[boltnrun]

Do you feel threatened by this ex for some reason?  Or did he harm your girlfriend physically or emotionally abuse her?

I went to multiple events where both my ex and my current boyfriend were  there (of course I attended with my current boyfriend).  My boyfriend was not at all threatened by the presence of my ex because he was confident in me and our relationship.

[smackie9]

Me personally, would be more disappointed I wasn't told. It would make me feel my BF doesn't trust me to act with tact/grace when introduced. So what would be the reason she wouldn't tell you? have you displayed anger/jealousy? and this is something she is trying to avoid? 

[SooSad33]

If the gf had no idea he'd be there, then is really just a whatever.  You keep cool & let it go.

If you're wondering if your gf should be annoyed, sure, maybe...as it'd be a little awkward 😕 .  But, it is her friend doing the event, right?  Then she and he has every right to be there as well.

Wouldn't it be cool if the ex just disapeared cause he felt it was too awkward? lol.

Either way, it happens.  Her friend has every right to invite whomever she wants.  The rest of you need to accept what is ( we all have a past), or yeah, choose not to go.

 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Saabman said:

Hello All,

 

Quite a quick question really - if you were invited to a party by your girlfriend that was being hosted by her friend, would you expect her to check out first with the host if an ex of hers was attending was attending?

If you attended the party and you were not told an ex was there and you found out later, would you be annoyed? 

Yes, I would if there was bad blood/awkwardness.  If I found out later I would not be annoye because then obviously everything was peaceful.  I had a friend who I introduced to my boyfriend -they became friends.  They remained friendly after he and I broke up. She didn't think there was anything wrong in inviting him to smaller gatherings and inviting me.  I did.  Because I was her friend first and she knew it would be awkward for me to be at a small gathering where he also was.  She really didn't get it.  It all worked out -we could never make it at the same time -but still, odd.  

[lostandhurt]

If they are there walk right up to them and thank them for screwing it up so you could be the one she is with.

  If you are insecure then work on that and it will never matter who is at a party.

 Let it go, there are way better things to be doing with her than looking for an argument.

  Lost

[Lambert]

The thing about exes... who are you gonna blame? exes are their own people.

Now, if you feel set to by your partner, that is a problem.

[catfeeder]

9 hours ago, Saabman said:

... if you were invited to a party by your girlfriend that was being hosted by her friend, would you expect her to check out first with the host if an ex of hers was attending?

No. 'Expect' is a strong word. 

How long ago was her breakup? If it was a long enough period for you to consider dating her, then why does she become responsible for screening other people's guest lists to protect you from her ex?

Either she's over him, or she's not. If not, why are you dating her?

Quote

If you attended the party and you were not told an ex was there and you found out later, would you be annoyed? 

No. If GF shares a social circle with an ex, then attendance of that ex at parties is likely. The question becomes, why is that surprising to you? Have you not discussed GF's breakup in terms of this stuff?

How well do you know this GF, and why would you position her as your adversary on the matter?

Did she behave toward her ex in a way that you find upsetting? 

[Saabman]

Thanks for all your replies and advice. I guess, like probably always, I’ve overthought things. I love my GF… and that’s the thing. For the very first time in my life, I’m in love so much, I feel sick thinking of her with another man. This man in particular. It was a sex only kind of relationship.
I found out last night that the host thought about it and wanted to be considerate so the ex was deliberately not invited. The party is on Friday. Problem gone, but I know that one day I’ll bump into him. I’ll be mature, pleasant and kind. I guess too, that I was in a bit of a dilemma as to whether to go to the party if he was there. 
I have been so thoughtful as to not to expose my Gf to my ex, I just thought that she would share my considerations. But you are right.. she has no right to dictate who goes to someone else’s party. I’m just a forewarned and forearmed kind of guy! 
 

 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Saabman said:

Thanks for all your replies and advice. I guess, like probably always, I’ve overthought things. I love my GF… and that’s the thing. For the very first time in my life, I’m in love so much, I feel sick thinking of her with another man. This man in particular. It was a sex only kind of relationship.
I found out last night that the host thought about it and wanted to be considerate so the ex was deliberately not invited. The party is on Friday. Problem gone, but I know that one day I’ll bump into him. I’ll be mature, pleasant and kind. I guess too, that I was in a bit of a dilemma as to whether to go to the party if he was there. 
I have been so thoughtful as to not to expose my Gf to my ex, I just thought that she would share my considerations. But you are right.. she has no right to dictate who goes to someone else’s party. I’m just a forewarned and forearmed kind of guy! 
 

 

That's different -he's a person she had sex with when they both felt like it so it could be too that their mutual friends don't even give it a thought -it wasn't a relationship and  they are not exs.  They are ex sex partners.  I don't think it's fair to expect people not to invite people who had sex with each other in the past.  If you are uncomfortable with her choice to have a sex partner and have casual sex that's a different issue.

[smackie9]

 Have you even asked your GF if she wanted you to protect her from your ex? or expressed any kind of boundaries about running into exes? have you agreed on anything or you just "assume". This would be a great time to have some open dialog about the subject. To have a successful relationship you need good honest communication.

[boltnrun]

So this was just you feeling threatened by the presence of this ex and not that your girlfriend is frightened or upset by something he did to her in the past?

Your girlfriend isn't required to soothe your insecurities. Of course she can reassure you she loves you and not him, but that's about it. 

[tattoobunnie]

No and No.

Just went to a funeral with my husband, and a big Ex walked in with us, and I had no idea.  He then tells me how awkward that was, and then I confirmed it was her.  Wasn't awkward for me; just went about my day, and caught up with old friends.

It's one thing for her to throw a party, invite an ex, and not tell you.  But someone else is, and you are guests.  Sorry, but so what if the ex is there.  Are you going to avoid all hers and your exes forever, when you can run into them on the street?  Just be cool, and have a good time.  The best revenge is a life well lived.

[catfeeder]

11 hours ago, Saabman said:

I feel sick thinking of her with another man.

Well, you'll need to find someone who sprung from the womb fully formed with no history, then.

There is no reason for adults to share their sexual history with a new lover. You're entitled to know that she's completely broken up from her last lover, for how long, whether she remains in deliberate private contact with any of her exes, and whether she has been tested clean for STDs prior to getting sexual with you.

Beyond that, it's none of your business.

You're learning WHY.