I don't want my friend to get hurt

[Ironman3]

Hi. There's this girl I met over bumble. We talked a lot and over the next few weeks, we became quite close. She's very selective about connecting with men and initially, this threw me off but she said she's been through a lot. I never asked but she hinted at childhood trauma and also a previous relationship. I did want to press her for anything. Off late, she's been very distant and we fought over something silly. Later she told me she didn't want me to text her and she wasn't in the mood for "small talk". I told her I was with her no matter what but I'd been worried for her safety and health and texted her a few times, weeks apart. She told me she has been going to therapy for a few months now and that last week was very triggering. I don't know what she meant by triggering or whatever she's going through. She said she didn't want to hurt my feelings by ghosting/ignoring me and told me that I could stay if I wanted to but also that she wouldn't hold it against me if I didn't. 

I am very worried about what she's going through but I can't help her until she wants me to and me 'staying' doesn't mean anything if we aren't in touch. So my question is, should I try to contact her again? I just want to be there for her but also give her the space if that's what she wants. Any advice is welcome, preferably from a girl/woman's side. 

[Cherylyn]

No, don't contact her again.  If she needs you, she'll contact you.  Give her the time and space she wants.  Your intentions are good and you want to help but she and people are responsible for their own lives no matter which direction they choose to take and no matter which decisions they make.  Don't bother her.  You mean well but back off. 

[Capricorn3]

Does your wife know about this new "friend" you have become close to?

[Kwothe28]

33 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

Does your wife know about this new "friend" you have become close to?

I would also like to know. Also would like to know if his "friend" knows that he is married since lots of women complain about married man who chase them on dating apps and, surprise surprise, dont disclose that fact.

Also why are you using dating app for friends when:

a) its misleading since its a dating app, go do meetup or something else if you want friends

b) you are married.

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

Does your wife know about this new "friend" you have become close to?

... and does the bumble lady know about your wife?

[MissCanuck]

12 hours ago, Ironman3 said:

So my question is, should I try to contact her again?

No. She is making it very clear she doesn't really want to hear from you, without coming right out and telling you to leave her alone. But that's what is going to happen if you don't take the hint and stop contacting her. 

This isn't a friend. It's a woman you chatted to on a dating app, which it sounds like you shouldn't be using anyway if you are married, 

 

[poorlittlefish]

My question was going to be why you hadn't actually met the girl you've been chatting with on a dating website, but now I have my answer.  I doubt very much that she'd have wasted any of her time on you, had she known you are married.  Rather than worry about the feelings of a girl you've never met, focus instead on how your wife is going to feel when she finds out you are pursuing other women behind her back.  This will not end well for you.

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Ironman3 said:

 There's this girl I met over bumble. 

If you are married, why are you on dating apps? Keep in mind divorce is very expensive so figure out what you're doing here and why. Keep in mind that this new hobby is worse than buying yourself expensive toys.

[serialmonogamist]

Dude I do not know you at all. I have only just joined this site. If what the other members are saying are true, and you are married, get the hell of bumble and let this woman go. It is a dating app, not a friends app. Put this focus and energy you are giving to this person into your wife and marriage instead. 

Be concerned, loving and kind to your wife not some person who is in their own private sh...t storm that you have never even met. 

Just get the heck off bumble, end this whatever it is and get back to your wife and marriage. It sounds like you need to go talk to a therapist and get yourself on track as well. 

Harsh I know but you need harsh REALITY right now. 

[Ironman3]

Woah, everyone is quick to judge huh? Or maybe I did not provide enough context, since I was just concerned about her. How did you guys assume I am married though? I don't seem to have mentioned anything about it in the post or my profile. Anyway, to be clear, I was using the BFF mode on the app, which lets you connect with people of similar interests. She was using the same too. Additionally, my profile says I am married and not looking for anything other than friends. I use it because you get to meet people with similar interests in your region which you otherwise would not meet. By similar interests I mean stuff like game, movies, art etc. If you have used the app, you know what I am talking about. To answer your questions: 

On 12/12/2022 at 10:26 PM, Cherylyn said:

No, don't contact her again.  If she needs you, she'll contact you.  Give her the time and space she wants.  Your intentions are good and you want to help but she and people are responsible for their own lives no matter which direction they choose to take and no matter which decisions they make.  Don't bother her.  You mean well but back off. 

Thank you for understanding that I mean only well. I have not contacted her since this, we still follow each other on instagram and met by chance at a store once, but that's about it. More about that at the end of the post.  

On 12/13/2022 at 2:54 AM, Capricorn3 said:

Does your wife know about this new "friend" you have become close to?

Yes. I've told her about it and she has read the chats as well. No need to read "friend" as something else. I'm perfectly capable of maintaining a good friendship without turning it into something else. 

On 12/13/2022 at 3:31 AM, Kwothe28 said:

I would also like to know. Also would like to know if his "friend" knows that he is married since lots of women complain about married man who chase them on dating apps and, surprise surprise, dont disclose that fact.

Also why are you using dating app for friends when:

a) its misleading since its a dating app, go do meetup or something else if you want friends

b) you are married.

On 12/13/2022 at 9:16 AM, catfeeder said:

... and does the bumble lady know about your wife?

Yep. Like I said, it is mentioned that I am married on my profile and I'm using the BFF mode. Will try meetup sometime. 

Why did you all just assume that I did not disclose the fact that I am married? 

On 12/13/2022 at 10:50 AM, MissCanuck said:

No. She is making it very clear she doesn't really want to hear from you, without coming right out and telling you to leave her alone. But that's what is going to happen if you don't take the hint and stop contacting her. 

This isn't a friend. It's a woman you chatted to on a dating app, which it sounds like you shouldn't be using anyway if you are married, 

 

Yeah I get that. We were in touch in Instagram after we chatted on bumble. I haven't contacted her after she said this and I don't intend to. I was just genuinely worried and couldn't get my mind off it for a while. 

On 12/13/2022 at 11:06 AM, poorlittlefish said:

My question was going to be why you hadn't actually met the girl you've been chatting with on a dating website, but now I have my answer.  I doubt very much that she'd have wasted any of her time on you, had she known you are married.  Rather than worry about the feelings of a girl you've never met, focus instead on how your wife is going to feel when she finds out you are pursuing other women behind her back.  This will not end well for you.

On 12/13/2022 at 1:19 PM, Wiseman2 said:

If you are married, why are you on dating apps? Keep in mind divorce is very expensive so figure out what you're doing here and why. Keep in mind that this new hobby is worse than buying yourself expensive toys.

It's kind of harsh to assume things that I did not mention. I did not say I have feelings for her. I did not say I am pursuing anything behind my wife's back. I did not say that I hid the fact that I am married.  Isn't this place supposed to be about not judging people and a safe space to be open about things? 

On 12/13/2022 at 2:27 PM, serialmonogamist said:

Dude I do not know you at all. I have only just joined this site. If what the other members are saying are true, and you are married, get the hell of bumble and let this woman go. It is a dating app, not a friends app. Put this focus and energy you are giving to this person into your wife and marriage instead. 

Be concerned, loving and kind to your wife not some person who is in their own private sh...t storm that you have never even met. 

Just get the heck off bumble, end this whatever it is and get back to your wife and marriage. It sounds like you need to go talk to a therapist and get yourself on track as well. 

Harsh I know but you need harsh REALITY right now. 

You are right, you don't know me at all. Thanks for starting with that or I'd have felt really bad about you being all judging and harsh. 

 

I am happy I did not read this earlier when I was in a bit of an emotional turmoil. I honestly did not expect such assumptions and judgements about my character and intentions, on ena. If I had anything more going on, I'd have mentioned it here instead of hiding it. After all, that's the intention of posting it here right? But it is quite understandable, since you don't know me and I cannot explain everything in a single post. 

Anyways, I was just genuinely worried about her mental state after getting to know the person she is and what she was going through. I have a handful of good friends whom I value a lot and she was a close one. Mom raised me to never ignore a person's strife and to be around for people, no matter what. But I guess her situation was out of my hand and I just hope she is going to be alright. I had not contacted her since our last chat where I told her I'd be around if she ever needed, but we happened to meet briefly at a grocery store last week. She said she was doing better and I hope she was ok but she looked tired, eyes red and dark circles around them. I didn't want to ask about it since I wanted to give her that space and we parted ways. 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Ironman3 said:

Mom raised me to never ignore a person's strife and to be around for people, no matter what.

There are many ways to be around without risking impropriety/safety, wrong idea etc.  Like I let my son give $ to the unhoused person who is on the park bench regularly that we walk by en route to school because my son wants to and said he believes she is truly needing the $.  If I feel someone is mentally unstable and needs my support and I don't feel safe personally interacting, I help by referring that person to low cost or free resources in the community. 

I had a friend who was lonely and got really needy around a year ago.  I offered to meet her for coffee in my neighborhood as that was what I had time/logistics to do.  She declined.  She begged me to come over to my house and hang out because she was so lonely -she said she'd just hang and watch me do housework or work. 

I told her no, I explained that given covid I couldn't risk someone coming over in our small apartment, I told her that we telework at home in our small apartment and my son I think was still also in our living room for virtual school.  I also knew she was moving to a different state in a month.  I chose not to be around for this person (I'd never actually met in person but we have many mutual friends) because I found it creepy that she was inviting herself over in that aggressive way and I wasn't going to take all those risks.  And I'd offered what I could do -meet for coffee, take a walk in the park, etc.  I offered to chat with her.

  So there's a big spectrum between ignoring and having appropriate boundaries.  Put on your own oxygen mask first, so to speak. Good luck and I'm glad you wrote that you were married so the person knows that.  

[catfeeder]

8 hours ago, Ironman3 said:

Why did you all just assume that I did not disclose the fact that I am married?

Why are you using the broad brush of 'all'?

I simply asked a question.

It doesn't sound as though you're really trying to get anywhere but post-sparring.

Have fun with that, and best of luck.

[Ironman3]

13 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Why are you using the broad brush of 'all'?

I simply asked a question.

It doesn't sound as though you're really trying to get anywhere but post-sparring.

Have fun with that, and best of luck.

Thanks but I'm not post-sparring. Sorry, I did not mean to paint you with the broad brush, I was just thrown off by the replies. With all due respect to everyone, the post wasn't getting anywhere anyway with people being more focused on investigating whether I was married (which I did not mention on my post or profile and did not see the need to) and then insinuating what I was doing was without my wife's knowledge or whatever. If I felt I was doing something like that and needed help, I would have mentioned that clearly. 

The point of my post was to understand what to do and how to react in this situation and not a check/judgement on my moral compass. It now no longer matters since considerable time has passed since my original post and I did not contact her again, even after a brief meeting by chance at a store last week. Anyway, thanks for getting back to me. 

[Batya33]

I believe when you're talking about helping a person in the situation you described and asking how to help it matters a lot if you have family responsibilities and/or if you are married/committed since that sort of help can affect the safety of your family or it can appear inappropriate to a spouse.  That sort of help is not done in a vacuum. Just like I wrote above saying no to the person who begged to come to my house -if I lived alone I might have factored it in differently.

I would be extremely upset if my husband wanted to help a mentally unstable person/friend in person one on one in some way and didn't tell me the details/timing, what was happening.  So if someone asks me about helping another person my answer always takes into account what I know of that person's family situation. 

[catfeeder]

10 hours ago, Ironman3 said:

...With all due respect to everyone, the post wasn't getting anywhere anyway with people being more focused on investigating whether I was married (which I did not mention on my post or profile and did not see the need to) and then insinuating what I was doing was without my wife's knowledge or whatever. If I felt I was doing something like that and needed help, I would have mentioned that clearly. 

Thanks for explaining. I didn't catch insinuations as much as questions, and mine was not about shaming, but rather, your answer could have pointed to a reasonable explanation for the woman's behavior--especially given that some of us (wave!) are not familiar with a BFF feature on the dating app.

While I can't speak for all women, I'm particularly respectful of couples and careful not to cultivate a relationship with married men without also including his wife. More so, if he doesn't appear particularly interested in including his wife, then some loud bells go off for me.

So while this may or may not have been the case with this woman, she confided some really private stuff, and that can make some people feel raw and vulnerable afterward--and even a bit paranoid or otherwise regretful about revealing too much.

Quote

The point of my post was to understand what to do and how to react in this situation and not a check/judgement on my moral compass. It now no longer matters since considerable time has passed since my original post and I did not contact her again, even after a brief meeting by chance at a store last week. Anyway, thanks for getting back to me. 

I understand, and I hope that I explained well enough that gathering information for context is a regular practice here. The intent is to help, and I apologize if it came off as a moral finger-wag. It was REALLY pertinent information that may have impacted this woman's state of mind, and most of us would consider that in our answers.

[Ironman3]

On 12/27/2022 at 3:15 PM, Batya33 said:

I believe when you're talking about helping a person in the situation you described and asking how to help it matters a lot if you have family responsibilities and/or if you are married/committed since that sort of help can affect the safety of your family or it can appear inappropriate to a spouse.  That sort of help is not done in a vacuum. Just like I wrote above saying no to the person who begged to come to my house -if I lived alone I might have factored it in differently.

I would be extremely upset if my husband wanted to help a mentally unstable person/friend in person one on one in some way and didn't tell me the details/timing, what was happening.  So if someone asks me about helping another person my answer always takes into account what I know of that person's family situation. 

I totally agree that it is not done in a vacuum. But assuming / insinuating that I was cheating or not sharing it with my wife was uncalled for. I can understand if someone told me to make sure to take those things into consideration, but downright judging is unacceptable. Anyway, it's all said and done at this point. Thanks for writing. 

[Ironman3]

On 12/27/2022 at 7:48 PM, catfeeder said:

Thanks for explaining. I didn't catch insinuations as much as questions, and mine was not about shaming, but rather, your answer could have pointed to a reasonable explanation for the woman's behavior--especially given that some of us (wave!) are not familiar with a BFF feature on the dating app.

While I can't speak for all women, I'm particularly respectful of couples and careful not to cultivate a relationship with married men without also including his wife. More so, if he doesn't appear particularly interested in including his wife, then some loud bells go off for me.

So while this may or may not have been the case with this woman, she confided some really private stuff, and that can make some people feel raw and vulnerable afterward--and even a bit paranoid or otherwise regretful about revealing too much.

I understand, and I hope that I explained well enough that gathering information for context is a regular practice here. The intent is to help, and I apologize if it came off as a moral finger-wag. It was REALLY pertinent information that may have impacted this woman's state of mind, and most of us would consider that in our answers.

Thank you for explaining and yes I understand where this was coming from. As I said, I was just caught off guard when everyone explored by reading my other posts and finding out that I was married (I did not mention it in my original post), then came here outright judging me and assuming that I was hiding it from my wife. If they wanted that information, they just had to ask the way you did. But by then I was overwhelmed by the assumptions and advice stemming from it to notice if yours was just a question or judgement. :) 

Once again, thanks for getting back to me. Glad that it all cleared out in the end.