How to be happy with what you have?

[Ironman3]

Hi. I know that's a very cliched question but I am struggling with greed for things. I am a very materialistic person and I have no control / very little control over my desire for things. I am glad I am strong enough to control my urges to feed my family and not cut corners when it comes to them. I also have put away some savings but that is not good enough, at least in my opinion. I need to save more. 

I love gadgets and I spend a lot monthly on them. I have most of the things I need and upgrade my phone every year. A big way of keeping myself excited/happy is buying things for myself and every now and then I try to justify it somehow to myself. I find myself resisting the urge to buy things sometimes while also trying to pay back my credit card and not buying things that I want but don't need.  But there are some things that I can't argue with myself about, like say a new iPhone, no matter how small the upgrade is. This is affecting my savings for future plans. 

I know that I need to develop my willpower and nobody can do it for me. But before it is too late for me, I want to know what your advice is and if anything will be helpful. Thank you in advance! 

[Cherylyn]

Be happy with what you have by changing the way you think meaning be grateful for what you have.  Materialism does not replace what is most precious and priceless such as what you can be grateful for whether it's good health, peaceful relationship(s), sound finances, safety and a stable, content life. 

I like nice things, too but I'm realistic about it.  I only buy if I have storage for it.  If there's no storage space, then I don't need it nor want a storage problem. 

My husband and I save money every month, we don't dine out nor take out meals frequently, don't take vacations afar often and don't spend money recklessly.  There are numerous healthy activities within our locale.  We are teetotalers which saves money. 

What has helped me immensely is to turn off (deactivate) social media because I no longer see ads which creates zero temptation for disposable spending.  I greatly limit TV or cable TV watching as well.  I've since eliminated those types of "time trap" habits.  When I focus on employment, being industrious, decluttering, cleaning, chores, errands, sports and hobbies (sewing crafts, quilts, calligraphy, cake decorating, cooking high cuisine, etc), I don't spend money just to shop. 

I have a penchant for designer handbags so I'm all set.  I have a set amount and don't need anymore.  They are timeless classics and I tend to avoid trendy fashions whether they're handbags, clothing, shoes or any apparel.  I also take excellent care of all of my merchandise so they're always maintained in mint condition and last forever.  Nothing needs replacement.

Ever since I was a young girl, my mother taught me to buy wisely and maintain items carefully.  It's better to buy chic, high quality items than have a closet or drawer full of junk which ends up in the charity donation bag.  I still have chic apparel and accessories from decades ago which look great, in mint condition and I receive compliments all the time.  Everyone asks where I purchased all of it from and they're gifts from my mother or I bought them long ago.  Everything's on rotation and extremely protected so nothing is worn out.  I already have everything for every occasion whether casual or formal or in between.   It's a matter of choice and choosing wisely instead of looking at only price and bargains and ending up not wearing it long term.

My advice is that I enjoy watching my bank account increase instead of decrease!  If my husband I spend money, we prefer to invest it in our house improvements (renovations, remodeling, appliances, etc) which increase our real estate values.  We also have other investments outside our house so we put our money there. 

[Kwothe28]

I am sorry, but there is no easy way for the materialist to cut its behavior on the spot. You have to understand that you are like an addict. Somebody who "needs" to spend on the stuff otherwise he wouldnt feel complete. For example you can cut spending on the overpriced junk like iPhone. But then your friend would buy a new one and you would feel the need to buy it. Because that is what you are at your core being. A materialist that gets pride in possesion of materialist things. 

That is why I think your best bet is therapy. Heck, materialism is closely associated with stuff like depression, anxiety, anti- social behavior etc. It would maybe be nice to unpack with therapist why do you feel the need to spend on stuff in the first place. And treat the root cause before you get rid of your bad habits. 

[Tinydance]

You mentioned you have a family to take care of. You have kids? I really relate to you actually because I'm a shopaholic. I used to feel exactly the same about buying more things and felt so much excitement and enjoyment from buying them.

It's easy to see why they call it "shopping addiction". To me it did really feel like buying something new was like getting a hit of drugs because it gives you that "high". But pretty quickly the high would wear off and I needed to buy more things. Because I guess it's not really that I needed those things but I just needed to shop to feel that "rush".

The thing is that when you value material possessions, it's easy to think that you couldn't be happy without them. But you actually can. About six years ago I travelled to another state and I was living in a remote Buddhist community for a week. I met this really nice Buddhist nun there and she asked me to go on a night beach walk on a nearby beach.

She came from another country without any possessions at all. She had also left all her family and friends behind. I asked her if she missed her family. She said a little, but also that Buddhists believe in being happy just in themselves and as a stand alone being, without needing other people or possessions to be happy in life. She said she didn't really own many things and she felt very content with that. I felt so enamoured with this nun and how peaceful she was, and our walk with a full moon. I even wrote a poem about my encounter with her later.

It's interesting you mentioned about your family. I've found that since I gave birth to my son a few weeks ago, I basically don't shop for myself anymore except food. I actually feel guilty now to spend money on myself when I have another tiny human relying on me to spend money on them. 

[Cherylyn]

The reason why I like what I have such as my handbags, clothes, shoes, some fine jewelry, various accessories, nice cars, great house in a coveted, affluent neighborhood and the like is because I envied other girls when I was a school girl and couldn't afford any of it.  I also envied other boys because they hailed from normal, content family lives who obviously provided well.  All of my neighbors and childhood friends lived happy lives.  I wanted what they had. 

However, I don't go on wild spending sprees.  I have chic high quality items and it suffices.  I already have a set amount for every occasion and don't need anymore.  I keep everything organized, protected and in mint condition so it lasts longer than normal.  Fortunately, through the years, my mother had very chic taste and gave me fine apparel and accessories which are still maintained and stored in mint condition to this day.  I'm very careful with my items.

I frequent the hair salon and enjoy feeling pampered.  I work hard,  save money and can afford it so why not?  My husband and I paid off our mortgage long ago, we have zero debts, pay off our small $20 credit card every month,  never charge a lot and life is good. 

I guess you can say I came up from behind and made up for my poor upbringing later in life.  Better late than never.

If I had my druthers, I prefer to say that I had terrible beginnings and a happily ever after than the opposite.  When I attended my high school reunion years ago, my former classmates who grew up with great home lives didn't fare well during adulthood.  They had high divorce rates and currently struggle a lot including economically.  Therefore, in this regard, I prefer having gone the opposite direction compared to my former classmates.  I married very well, my husband is a very moral man, both my husband and I have great careers and life is comfortable.

When my father abruptly left my mother and siblings without saying good-bye and without paying child support, my mother and I bought from thrift stores long ago when second hand clothing and shoes were pitiful.  I wore rags with holes in my shoes.  I went to school a disheveled mess.  My mother was extremely busy working 3 jobs 7 days a week to put food on the table.  I felt very embarrassed throughout my childhood. 

My mother drove a jalopy so I ducked and hid in the car every single time we drove into our residential neighborhood fearing my neighbors would see us hit hard times.  It was very humiliating.  I was mocked and bullied because I looked like an orphan or street waif.

When I was 18 years old, I worked full time grave yard shift, enrolled in school full time by day and lived with my mother and siblings.  Life was very hard.  I eventually switched to my day job and ascended in my career.  I never dated during high school and college. 

I went on a date with my husband when we both lived at home to save money for our first house.  We had a whirlwind short courtship and married in our early 20s within 2 years.  We've since moved up several houses ago.  We have two sons, large back yard, large front yard, a rose garden and white picket fence.  It's the life I had always dreamed of. 

I'll never forget where I came from.  This is why I enjoy being married to a very moral man, my sons are very similar to their father and I enjoy my financially comfortable life nowadays.  Compared to my past, this life is heaven.  I feel very fortunate and blessed indeed. 

[treasure_island]

You need to figure out why you buy these things. Is there an emptiness somewhere deep inside you that you want to make up for it by buying stuff? 

Addiction of any kind means there's emptiness somewhere, and you are self-soothing yourself by purchasing stuff. Then you get "high" and you feel great, but it wears off, and you start all over again. 

[Batya33]

So I am not materialistic but I used to spend more on stuff for me when I worked full time in a major city where it was important to look a certain way/dress a certain way.  But in my late 20s/early 30s when I paid off my grad school loans (didn't have college loans) I became a really strong saver (like my parents!) and gosh it paid off so well (I'm 56 now).  I love that I amassed my own nest egg -love that feeling of security and stability that is all mine -even though my husband is an awesome provider and I don't have to worry even if I didn't have the nest egg. It's much more worth it than stuff that depreciates IMO.  

What helps me is I get joy out of things like  - the coffee I have alone in the morning made by me just how I like it, the accomplishment of doing an intense cardio workout daily at around 5am - it just feels like I ran a marathon even though it's not even close - the awesome shower after and feeling so clean and good-tired.  Going down the block to the incredibly big and gorgeous park and seeing fall colors or seeing stuff while walking my son across the park to his school.  

Reading an excellent book.  It's such a nice escape and fulfilling.  And honestly I sometimes really enjoy food shopping - never did pre-kid lol.  I like trying new products but I also don't go crazy and spend $8 for a pint of fancy ice cream when there's a BOGO for $4 for a half gallon.  I just --- can't justify it even though I can "afford" it.  

Don't get me wrong -there are certain things I splurge on - good coffee, good dark chocolate, decent workout clothes (decent -I don't need the fancy stuff but it has to be comfortable and not increase the sticky feeling), high end sneakers (meaning so I prevent injury - I like how they look but fit/comfort much more important), and being able to travel if not in "style" -often enough and to interesting places -that's not cheap.  I don't scrimp on my hair products although I don't do up my hair daily.  

But no I don't need the next new thing or to constantly upgrade.  I got my first smart phone in 2015, and my second -upgrade -a few years ago - I have no plans to upgrade -it does all I want to do (Iphone).  I also bought a refurbished personal laptop so it was around $400 instead of $1500 I think -because I evaluated the purposes I needed it for and didn't need flashy/new/latest and greatest.  I love it.

It will be a work in progress for you but it can be done -the shift.  Check out Stacked.  

I highly recommend the book Stacked which has great tips on how to shift over to more of a saving mindset.

[catfeeder]

I find it helpful to look to people I admire, like neighbors and coworkers, who enjoy happy friendships and family lives even while they aren't flashy and don't live beyond their means.

I especially find it helpful to find people to admire who do volunteer work or have lower paying 'helping' careers and who have opted to live very simply.

Examples are the best teachers.

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Ironman3 said:

 This is affecting my savings for future plans.

Talk to a financial advisor and CPA. Also do automatic payments, college funds, savings and retirement plans. Set up automatic tax deferred deductions from your salary.

When you automatically take care of all the necessities, what's left over as disposable income for luxuries, vacations etc isn't a problem. 

Check your credit score and bank account balances and credit card debt. Make sure all that is under control.

Make sure all the short term, intermediate term and long term finances are figured out and on autopilot. That way if you slurge on a new gadget you won't feel as guilty.

 Does your wife work? Do you hide your spending?  Of course money and money styles represents a lot of things emotionally. Perhaps you feel like you want to reward yourself? 

That's ok as long as the essentials and necessities are taken care of.

[Cherylyn]

How am I happy with what I have?   I feel grateful because I know millions of people are worse off than I am.  My family and I are healthy, we are financially stable,  secure, live in a peaceful suburban residential neighborhood and it's a calm life.  I don't need more.  I'm established and settled.  I count my blessings which is the secret to happiness.  Gratitude = Happiness.

[Ironman3]

On 12/12/2022 at 10:12 PM, Cherylyn said:

Be happy with what you have by changing the way you think meaning be grateful for what you have.  Materialism does not replace what is most precious and priceless such as what you can be grateful for whether it's good health, peaceful relationship(s), sound finances, safety and a stable, content life. 

I like nice things, too but I'm realistic about it.  I only buy if I have storage for it.  If there's no storage space, then I don't need it nor want a storage problem. 

My husband and I save money every month, we don't dine out nor take out meals frequently, don't take vacations afar often and don't spend money recklessly.  There are numerous healthy activities within our locale.  We are teetotalers which saves money. 

What has helped me immensely is to turn off (deactivate) social media because I no longer see ads which creates zero temptation for disposable spending.  I greatly limit TV or cable TV watching as well.  I've since eliminated those types of "time trap" habits.  When I focus on employment, being industrious, decluttering, cleaning, chores, errands, sports and hobbies (sewing crafts, quilts, calligraphy, cake decorating, cooking high cuisine, etc), I don't spend money just to shop. 

I have a penchant for designer handbags so I'm all set.  I have a set amount and don't need anymore.  They are timeless classics and I tend to avoid trendy fashions whether they're handbags, clothing, shoes or any apparel.  I also take excellent care of all of my merchandise so they're always maintained in mint condition and last forever.  Nothing needs replacement.

Ever since I was a young girl, my mother taught me to buy wisely and maintain items carefully.  It's better to buy chic, high quality items than have a closet or drawer full of junk which ends up in the charity donation bag.  I still have chic apparel and accessories from decades ago which look great, in mint condition and I receive compliments all the time.  Everyone asks where I purchased all of it from and they're gifts from my mother or I bought them long ago.  Everything's on rotation and extremely protected so nothing is worn out.  I already have everything for every occasion whether casual or formal or in between.   It's a matter of choice and choosing wisely instead of looking at only price and bargains and ending up not wearing it long term.

My advice is that I enjoy watching my bank account increase instead of decrease!  If my husband I spend money, we prefer to invest it in our house improvements (renovations, remodeling, appliances, etc) which increase our real estate values.  We also have other investments outside our house so we put our money there. 

Yes, I do have a healthy relationship with things. So I keep them for longer and I take care of them. I prefer to think that it is a privilege to have these and to own them. I don't have a storage problem at home and many of the things I buy are pocketable so that is not something that can stop me. Since some gadgets go outdated after a few years, I do upgrade them via trade-ins or selling them at a good price before getting something new. As someone mentioned here, it might be the rush of having something new making me want to buy them. To be honest, I buy very few things but these are costlier and higher in quality and that makes me feel bad for spending. And I might be doing it for the high, even though I might use them later but not as much as I'd like to for the kind of price I bought it for. 

On 12/12/2022 at 10:41 PM, Kwothe28 said:

I am sorry, but there is no easy way for the materialist to cut its behavior on the spot. You have to understand that you are like an addict. Somebody who "needs" to spend on the stuff otherwise he wouldnt feel complete. For example you can cut spending on the overpriced junk like iPhone. But then your friend would buy a new one and you would feel the need to buy it. Because that is what you are at your core being. A materialist that gets pride in possesion of materialist things. 

That is why I think your best bet is therapy. Heck, materialism is closely associated with stuff like depression, anxiety, anti- social behavior etc. It would maybe be nice to unpack with therapist why do you feel the need to spend on stuff in the first place. And treat the root cause before you get rid of your bad habits. 

I am considering this and have been trying to negotiate a deal with a therapist. Some of them I have attended in the past haven't been very effective. Some of them are not able to understand there is an obsession and I find it weird that they can't. 

On 12/12/2022 at 10:57 PM, Tinydance said:

You mentioned you have a family to take care of. You have kids? I really relate to you actually because I'm a shopaholic. I used to feel exactly the same about buying more things and felt so much excitement and enjoyment from buying them.

It's easy to see why they call it "shopping addiction". To me it did really feel like buying something new was like getting a hit of drugs because it gives you that "high". But pretty quickly the high would wear off and I needed to buy more things. Because I guess it's not really that I needed those things but I just needed to shop to feel that "rush".

The thing is that when you value material possessions, it's easy to think that you couldn't be happy without them. But you actually can. About six years ago I travelled to another state and I was living in a remote Buddhist community for a week. I met this really nice Buddhist nun there and she asked me to go on a night beach walk on a nearby beach.

She came from another country without any possessions at all. She had also left all her family and friends behind. I asked her if she missed her family. She said a little, but also that Buddhists believe in being happy just in themselves and as a stand alone being, without needing other people or possessions to be happy in life. She said she didn't really own many things and she felt very content with that. I felt so enamoured with this nun and how peaceful she was, and our walk with a full moon. I even wrote a poem about my encounter with her later.

It's interesting you mentioned about your family. I've found that since I gave birth to my son a few weeks ago, I basically don't shop for myself anymore except food. I actually feel guilty now to spend money on myself when I have another tiny human relying on me to spend money on them. 

Yes and glad that you are able to understand exactly what I am feeling. I buy a new watch though I keep a watch for a good few years, I don't use them as much as I'd like. I'm riding that high for a few days while buying it, receiving the package and using it for a few weeks. Then I move on to something else and maybe return to it later. Sometimes I get things that lay in my drawer and I get something new that might just do the same function but I just want to buy it new. 

On 12/13/2022 at 2:52 AM, treasure_island said:

You need to figure out why you buy these things. Is there an emptiness somewhere deep inside you that you want to make up for it by buying stuff? 

Addiction of any kind means there's emptiness somewhere, and you are self-soothing yourself by purchasing stuff. Then you get "high" and you feel great, but it wears off, and you start all over again. 

This is exactly what is happening. I do feel a certain emptiness in my life. I have everything I want and have a good life. What am I soothing myself over or is it just the rush of buying, I am not sure at this point. I think it is a bit of both because I feel the need to get something to pat myself on the back every once a while. 

On 12/13/2022 at 2:55 AM, Batya33 said:

It will be a work in progress for you but it can be done -the shift.  Check out Stacked.  

I highly recommend the book Stacked which has great tips on how to shift over to more of a saving mindset.

Thank you, I will check it out. 

On 12/13/2022 at 9:11 AM, catfeeder said:

I find it helpful to look to people I admire, like neighbors and coworkers, who enjoy happy friendships and family lives even while they aren't flashy and don't live beyond their means.

I especially find it helpful to find people to admire who do volunteer work or have lower paying 'helping' careers and who have opted to live very simply.

Examples are the best teachers.

I actually don't feel the need to show anyone what I own. If I bought the latest iphone, nobody knows except for my wife. It's like my own guilty pleasure. In my office and among friends, I don't know anyone who wants to live beyond their means. Different people spend on different things, like partying, travelling and many others but they don't necessarily splurge or buy on impulse. I don't buy on impulse either but I feel the need to get something for myself every now and then.

On 12/13/2022 at 1:10 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Talk to a financial advisor and CPA. Also do automatic payments, college funds, savings and retirement plans. Set up automatic tax deferred deductions from your salary.

When you automatically take care of all the necessities, what's left over as disposable income for luxuries, vacations etc isn't a problem. 

Check your credit score and bank account balances and credit card debt. Make sure all that is under control.

Make sure all the short term, intermediate term and long term finances are figured out and on autopilot. That way if you slurge on a new gadget you won't feel as guilty.

 Does your wife work? Do you hide your spending?  Of course money and money styles represents a lot of things emotionally. Perhaps you feel like you want to reward yourself? 

That's ok as long as the essentials and necessities are taken care of.

Yes my necessities and those of my family are taken care of. I make sure of that and I'm focusing on my closing my credit card at the moment. I'm only feeling guilty because I could have more savings than I currently have, but this feeling hasn't been enough to prevent me from spending. Sounds like I want to have the cake and eat it too lol.  

[Batya33]

Just on a practical note in case it helps? I have a work laptop -I can look at sites like news or even shopping sites briefly but 99% of it is for work related only.  I have a personal laptop.  I'd been buying a lower end for personal -new -and it just wasn't fast enough for me.Also crashing all the time, etc.  Annoying. 

2 years ago I took a chance and bought a refurbished via you know the really popular site that also tacks on its own protection thing.  I bought a much higher end laptop -like a business level but for personal use and probably got it at 60-70% discount.  It's fantastic.  No it's not "new" and I guess it's not the "newest" version.  But I really appreciate it and it's kind of nice to have that saved $ you know? Could you try that with one gadget/device and see how it feels?

Or how about promise yourself that for every new thing you buy you will donate something gently used to charity and/or do some volunteer work?

[Starlight925]

If you don't click with a particular therapist, find another one.  And another one.  And one until you finally find one who gets that this addiction is from a deep-rooted insecurity, something from perhaps your childhood, where you didn't feel "enough", or didn't feel "worthy".  

On the surface, you may have had the greatest upbringing in the world, but something, somewhere down the line was likely some messaging, or perhaps your own thoughts, that you needed to be "more".  That others had "more", that others could do "more", could be "more".

This new, new, new, is not just an obsession or an addiction.  It's a signal.

It's the symptom.

When you have high blood pressure, it's a symptom that something is wrong with your body.  You seek a qualified doctor to help you figure out the cause.

This is no different.

It doesn't matter whether you show off your new things, or keep them in a drawer.  It's about what the new, new new means to you.

There are people who order from sites just to get boxes.  And don't even open the boxes, because it's all about the next box.

Yes, there are qualified therapists who can help you get to the root of it, but it may be a needle in a haystack finding one.

[Ironman3]

18 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Just on a practical note in case it helps? I have a work laptop -I can look at sites like news or even shopping sites briefly but 99% of it is for work related only.  I have a personal laptop.  I'd been buying a lower end for personal -new -and it just wasn't fast enough for me.Also crashing all the time, etc.  Annoying. 

2 years ago I took a chance and bought a refurbished via you know the really popular site that also tacks on its own protection thing.  I bought a much higher end laptop -like a business level but for personal use and probably got it at 60-70% discount.  It's fantastic.  No it's not "new" and I guess it's not the "newest" version.  But I really appreciate it and it's kind of nice to have that saved $ you know? Could you try that with one gadget/device and see how it feels?

Or how about promise yourself that for every new thing you buy you will donate something gently used to charity and/or do some volunteer work?

Thanks for your reply. I have been donating stuff (laptops, desktops and accessories, used phones, clothes, money) to charity from time to time regardless of my purchases, so since it's something I already do, it won't feel like much of a change. I am generally not happy with refurbished things or used ones unless they are in mint condition. I work in the tech industry so I know these things quite well or so I'd like to think. So when I get something, even if it is last year's tech (I am fine with getting last year's tech if the price and specifications are worth), I prefer it new because I see the way people generally handle these things and the kind of abuse these gadgets take on a daily basis. So I feel uncomfortable getting refurbished or used ones because most of the time they are quite a gamble. The thought process is that I would rather spend a little extra and get the good / new one than get something someone hasn't used well or has been fixed / refurbished with parts that I don't know the sources of. I would definitely appreciate saving some if I get a really good condition used one but those really hard to come by. Thanks for letting me know your thoughts! 

[Ironman3]

13 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

If you don't click with a particular therapist, find another one.  And another one.  And one until you finally find one who gets that this addiction is from a deep-rooted insecurity, something from perhaps your childhood, where you didn't feel "enough", or didn't feel "worthy".  

On the surface, you may have had the greatest upbringing in the world, but something, somewhere down the line was likely some messaging, or perhaps your own thoughts, that you needed to be "more".  That others had "more", that others could do "more", could be "more".

This new, new, new, is not just an obsession or an addiction.  It's a signal.

It's the symptom.

When you have high blood pressure, it's a symptom that something is wrong with your body.  You seek a qualified doctor to help you figure out the cause.

This is no different.

It doesn't matter whether you show off your new things, or keep them in a drawer.  It's about what the new, new new means to you.

There are people who order from sites just to get boxes.  And don't even open the boxes, because it's all about the next box.

Yes, there are qualified therapists who can help you get to the root of it, but it may be a needle in a haystack finding one.

Thanks for letting me know. This is validating my concerns and I will look harder to find the correct therapist. I try to think that I pay so much money getting gadgets and it's way cheaper to find a fix. 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Ironman3 said:

The thought process is that I would rather spend a little extra

I too would spend a little extra and I get that you know the inside info. My point was not just spending a little extra but since your spending is excessive as you say in my example I paid around $500 instead of around $1,700 or more.  Not just a little extra.  And with a very strong warranty plus ability to return for 90 days or so no questions asked.  I cannot tell any difference whatsoever from a new laptop and it's a far higher level than what I got new for $500 in the past.

[Starlight925]

To add to my post about seeking a great therapist until you find one:  

It took me dozens of therapists to find a few that really helped me.  I traveled to another city to see one; I did virtual with one in another city, and I did phone therapy with another in a different city.  I walked out of group therapy in my own city when I realized it was zero help.  The best one I ever found turned out to not be a psychologist, but a LMT (??).  

It's not about whether a therapist is "good" or "bad".  It's about how they can help you delve into what's going on.

I give you props for recognizing this as an issue and asking the question.  So many people are just about showing off their toys, whereas you are actually realizing this is an issue, and you are trying to get to the bottom of it.  Kudos to you!

[Ironman3]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I too would spend a little extra and I get that you know the inside info. My point was not just spending a little extra but since your spending is excessive as you say in my example I paid around $500 instead of around $1,700 or more.  Not just a little extra.  And with a very strong warranty plus ability to return for 90 days or so no questions asked.  I cannot tell any difference whatsoever from a new laptop and it's a far higher level than what I got new for $500 in the past.

Yep, I totally agree with one like that. I mean why not if it is in perfect condition and pay less. The issue is that where I live, such deals are hard to come by. I will try it whenever I get the chance though. Thanks!

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Ironman3 said:

Yep, I totally agree with one like that. I mean why not if it is in perfect condition and pay less. The issue is that where I live, such deals are hard to come by. I will try it whenever I get the chance though. Thanks!

I was so dubious but we've been buying from this - globally known site -for many years and they added on their own buyer protection free so it seemed low risk.  And worth saving $1,000

[Ironman3]

1 hour ago, Starlight925 said:

To add to my post about seeking a great therapist until you find one:  

It took me dozens of therapists to find a few that really helped me.  I traveled to another city to see one; I did virtual with one in another city, and I did phone therapy with another in a different city.  I walked out of group therapy in my own city when I realized it was zero help.  The best one I ever found turned out to not be a psychologist, but a LMT (??).  

It's not about whether a therapist is "good" or "bad".  It's about how they can help you delve into what's going on.

I give you props for recognizing this as an issue and asking the question.  So many people are just about showing off their toys, whereas you are actually realizing this is an issue, and you are trying to get to the bottom of it.  Kudos to you!

I am trying BetterHelp now and just getting through the registration process. Online suits my schedule since I get off work late. I guess getting help is the best way to deal with this problem. Thank you for your support.

[catfeeder]

On 12/26/2022 at 5:12 AM, Ironman3 said:

On 12/13/2022 at 1:11 AM, catfeeder said:

I find it helpful to look to people I admire, like neighbors and coworkers, who enjoy happy friendships and family lives even while they aren't flashy and don't live beyond their means.

I especially find it helpful to find people to admire who do volunteer work or have lower paying 'helping' careers and who have opted to live very simply.

Examples are the best teachers.

I actually don't feel the need to show anyone what I own. If I bought the latest iphone, nobody knows except for my wife. It's like my own guilty pleasure. In my office and among friends, I don't know anyone who wants to live beyond their means. Different people spend on different things, like partying, travelling and many others but they don't necessarily splurge or buy on impulse. I don't buy on impulse either but I feel the need to get something for myself every now and then.

I get it. My suggestion wasn't about whether or not YOU are flashy. The goal is to try incorporating some 'birds of a feather' mentality into your life, where you deliberately select certain friends or neighbors as good models.

Some of my most inspiring friends make far less money than me, and their daily practices are things I notice and inquire more about as excellent 'life hacks' for me.

Funny thing is, I get excited by the things I learn to the degree that I want to run home and try them--it feels like the same rush I get from BUYING something new. Instead, I'm TRYING something new.

Another practice: if I want something, I'll make a note of it but walk away. If I'm still thinking about it next day or day after, I'll return to buy it. If it's still there at the same price, great. If it's there at a lower price, I go out of my gourd with happiness. If it's a higher price, I'll put it off until I find a good sale price again. This curbs me a bit.

Also, when I get stuff home, I leave it in the bag, put the bag aside, then notice whether I'm still so enthralled next day. If it's something to try out in my home, though, I do that right away and often return the item the next day. Point is, if I can BREAK the rush to adopt what I buy, then often I learn that it was just about acquiring the thing, not actually owning it.

So instead of a pile up of stuff that ends up lying around it its box or is stored away and never enjoyed--clothes hanging with the price tags still on or shoes that look great but remain too new for comfort, so they stay stored away... These were my issues until I built a habit of RETURNING things quickly if I don't adopt them readily.

Head high, you are not alone in this.

[Lambert]

you probably could benefit from researching self love and strategies for increasing yours.

what do all these material things bring to your life? do you think it makes you a better person? more popular? more admiration from others?

Get to the root of why you need these things and that will highlight what you lack on the inside, not what's on the outside.

I will admit I appear to be materialistic on the onset but get to know me and you'll see, I am more than stuff. I value peace, respect, kindness much more than things. 

it's that balance between what you can afford, what you like and the knowledge that expensive things or even just things are just that- things.  

Lots of debt is a serious problem.  lots of debt is subjective. but I can tell you there is good debt and bad debt. Good debt is secured debt- car payment, mortgage. the debt is backed by an asset.

Bad debt is unsecured aka credit card debt that represents debt not backed by an asset- consumer spending.

If you can't pay your credit cards off every month you are living above your means and that cannot be sustained long term.

So really there is a need here for some growing up. What is the point of a new phone when your everyday expenses are not covered? 

It's to impress others which is character flaw you need to work on. my grandmother used to have a saying, if we complained about something... she'd say- "it's clean and paid for" 

the point being those are the two things that matter. 

Look inside yourself and then look at your goals in life.  Inner work and deeper self understanding will show you the way. good luck. 

[Lambert]

On 12/12/2022 at 2:57 PM, Tinydance said:

I've found that since I gave birth to my son a few weeks

Congratulations, Tiny! Hope mother and baby are doing great! ❤️❤️❤️

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Congratulations, Tiny! Hope mother and baby are doing great! ❤️❤️❤️

Oh I just saw this!! I was waiting for the wonderful news - congratulations!!!!

[Ironman3]

On 12/27/2022 at 8:44 PM, Lambert said:

you probably could benefit from researching self love and strategies for increasing yours.

what do all these material things bring to your life? do you think it makes you a better person? more popular? more admiration from others?

Get to the root of why you need these things and that will highlight what you lack on the inside, not what's on the outside.

I will admit I appear to be materialistic on the onset but get to know me and you'll see, I am more than stuff. I value peace, respect, kindness much more than things. 

it's that balance between what you can afford, what you like and the knowledge that expensive things or even just things are just that- things.  

Lots of debt is a serious problem.  lots of debt is subjective. but I can tell you there is good debt and bad debt. Good debt is secured debt- car payment, mortgage. the debt is backed by an asset.

Bad debt is unsecured aka credit card debt that represents debt not backed by an asset- consumer spending.

If you can't pay your credit cards off every month you are living above your means and that cannot be sustained long term.

So really there is a need here for some growing up. What is the point of a new phone when your everyday expenses are not covered? 

It's to impress others which is character flaw you need to work on. my grandmother used to have a saying, if we complained about something... she'd say- "it's clean and paid for" 

the point being those are the two things that matter. 

Look inside yourself and then look at your goals in life.  Inner work and deeper self understanding will show you the way. good luck. 

I am not interested in impressing others at all and don't gain any validation by buying stuff. I actually prefer not to draw attention to it and make it look as regular / normal as possible because I don't like that attention / envy or whatever people feel when they see their peers buy something. I enjoy the feeling of owning something, it makes me feel like there's something to enjoy and to look forward to. It's like having a bottle of wine with your name on it and you just want to get home for the weekend and enjoy it by the couch by the fireplace. This is it, this is why I buy things. Because it makes me feel good. My justification (albeit wrong one in terms of savings) is that I live for myself first and I work hard to earn what I have. This has carried me so long but it has slowly started going up into abundance of things because I find myself needing that bottle of wine more often and its effects does not last as long. I don't buy everything in the market but the things I buy are often expensive. Sometimes, I feel like I don't have anything to look forward to other than some phone or headset. I have a lot of things going on and I have a life outside these things, don't get me wrong, but I don't look forward to those things. I am not able to identify if there is something else inside that's creating this need or I'm just addicted.