He said I acted like a ghost mentally? Broke up, help

[eNotAgain]

I was in a long distance relationship for 3 months and I visited him last week for 5 days. We had seen each other prior times but this was the longest we had stayed together. Keep in mind, it wasn't until AFTER this trip that I found out he had been talking to numerous different women on instagram in his DMs and flirting with them / FaceTiming them and calling them on the phone for at least 2 weeks prior to my visit. He had JUST gotten an instagram last month and I knew it would be trouble, I was right.

For context, I have an anxiety disorder. Traveling and dating is really hard for me, it triggers panic attacks because of severe past traumas. When I got off the plane we greeted, hugged, everything seemed fine. He is a very stoic guy, doesnt show much outward emotion usually. Long story short, the entire time I was there I felt something was off in my gut.

I couldn't relax around him, he kept his distance from me a lot and often stood in the kitchen or walked around his house while I watched movies. When he DID sit down, he didnt put his arm around me or try to kiss me or anything. He actually ended up blaming this all on me saying I was "a ghost mentally" and he "didnt know what was going on", that I was "just going through the motions" and he said when we had sex it seemed like I didnt even enjoy it when he literally wouldnt do any foreplay to me at all, he was just in and out and only focused on himself. He said things felt forced and not natural. He blamed this on me.

Right when I got there, his computer popped and stopped working and he lost a lot of money in a scam. He said I was "bad luck".

I thought I was acting fine, naturally I'm an introvert but I was talking to him normally. I admit that I did have a few drinks from time to time just to relax because the energy was like walking on eggshells for some reason. He would be easily angered and actually say rude remarks to me that made me feel like he was talking down to me. He didnt comfort me, whenever we kissed it was a peck, and things just felt...dry. I was the only one walking towards him for a hug. He didnt go towards me. When I patted him on the back during a hug, he rudely said "No patting."

Embarrassingly, I fell off the bed during sex and he helped me back up and said "Are you on drugs? You can tell me." Ok, I may be shy or aloof or tipsy but I seriously doubt I was acting THAT weird. What??

I didnt feel welcomed but at the time I didn't understand why or fully realize it until I got home just how weird the energy was. At the time I was lying to myself saying this is fine. Our conversations went fine aside from the weird awkward distant energy he was giving off but yet he claims that was ME doing that. He kissed me when I got in the taxi and then texted me saying "I miss you already".

After I got home, the next three days he made up an excuse that he was working a lot so he couldn't have his phone on him and thats why he wouldnt text me back. I saw through that and confronted him about what was wrong. Thats when he said I was a ghost mentally and he didnt know what was going on. Why didnt he try to talk to me or ask what was wrong then? Why did he blame his attitude on me without even trying to be affectionate?

I feel really sad and confused about the whole thing because before the stupid instagram he was SO loving, even telling me I NEEDED to come out for Christmas to meet his mom. I guess I got duped. Was it really my fault for acting "like a ghost mentally" or was it his new found interest in other women?

[Jaunty]

You didn't know each other.  Certainly not well enough to be stuck in a house together for days on end.     It sounds quite hellish to me to imagine being a long term house guest in the home of a woman I had not really spent any time with.  I would never; I'd get a hotel room.

He wasn't affectionate because he wasn't feeling it.  That's why the thing we call DATING exists.  We go out,  talk, find out if we really want to spend more time together. If we don't, we never need to see each other again.  Unfortunately you had to find out that you were not compatible when you were stuck in his house with him for almost a week.   

You both presented yourselves over the internet / texting/ facetime or whatever in ways that the other found appealing.  it didn't hold up in real life.  I'm sure this is pretty common.

Why didn't you broach this conversation with him?  It's kind of odd that you feel that he should have done it.  It sounds like you behaved extremely passively.  That may be why he called you a "ghost."  

Oh well, it will be easy to get over  this one and hopefully, lesson learned:  Long distance relationships that depend upon a lot of online interaction are a pretty bad risk.  If you must, ABSOLUTELY get your own place to stay or insist that the man does, if he comes to you.  

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

You didn't know each other. 

This is my take-away, too. 

You got into a relationship with someone you hardly ever see and it was a bust. That's often what happens when we try to have a relationship with a virtual stranger. You can't subsitute digital communication for actual dating, and in person, you two are not a match at all. He sounds rude and weird, honestly. 

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

He wasn't affectionate because he wasn't feeling it

I agree with this as well. He shouldn't have been rude about it, but it's quite obvious that he wasn't into it anymore. That's also why he didn't bother trying to fix it or talk to you about it- he wasn't interested in fixing it. He just wanted out. 

We can't tell you the real reason he changed his mind, but you're not missing much with this strange man. It wasn't going to be your Happily Ever After. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, eNotAgain said:

 I have an anxiety disorder. Traveling and dating is really hard for me, it triggers panic attacks 

It would be best to cut your losses. A plane-ride distance dating situation is not viable particularly if you have all this anxiety.

He seems like a player, but then again you're not seeing each other on a regular basis.

Run from people who have hardluck stories and other invented stories about why they're incommunicado.

Delete and block him. Try to make more realistic connections with local men you can get to know better.

[Kwothe28]

There are so many red flags in your story that Instagram thing seems faded compared to them. For example how he treated you the whole time.

That is why long distance is more fantasy then anything else. Because you dont know each other. You would most likely discovered all those stuff if you just go out on one date with the guy. But because of long distance it took you months to discover how really bad he is.

[DarkCh0c0]

5 hours ago, eNotAgain said:

it wasn't until AFTER this trip that I found out he had been talking to numerous different women on instagram in his DMs and flirting with them / FaceTiming them and calling them on the phone for at least 2 weeks prior to my visit. He had JUST gotten an instagram last month and I knew it would be trouble, I was right.

And

5 hours ago, eNotAgain said:

he lost a lot of money in a scam. He said I was "bad luck".

And

5 hours ago, eNotAgain said:

he literally wouldnt do any foreplay to me at all, he was just in and out and only focused on himself

And *** with:

5 hours ago, eNotAgain said:

he helped me back up and said "Are you on drugs? You can tell me."

5 hours ago, eNotAgain said:

 

He is a fire truck full of red flags. Be thankful you are no longer with him. Gosh, I was anxious for you just reading your post.

Please raise your dating standards and date local men only. I'm sorry you've been through this. 

Edit: also, always trust your gut. Next time your gut is telling you something is off, excuse yourself out of the situation. You need to look out for yourself 💚

[Andrina]

Both of you are classic examples of people who seek/entertain romance long distance. This is the go-to method for people who either have things to hide, and can temporarily have some intrigue until the day comes when he/she is found out. Or, a person who isn't emotionally ready to get out into the local world and have regular dating experiences in 3D. Initially, there is a lot of comfort behind a computer screen, until taking the leap into actually meeting.

11 hours ago, eNotAgain said:

dating is really hard for me, it triggers panic attacks because of severe past traumas.

Are you in therapy for this? It's never good to date until you feel emotionally ready. Otherwise, you will attract, and subconsciously be attracted to, predators and inappropriate men.

There are so many cons to LDRs too numerous to mention. I only recommend them for people who met locally, have invested in their relationship, and then have to temporarily move due to education and career opportunities.

Take a break from dating until you feel emotionally ready to handle the normal stress that comes with dating experiences that run the gamut of outcomes. Have a fulfilling life besides dating so that you can easily brush it off when a romance doesn't work out. Be realistic that you normally have to date a boatload of men to find one compatible with you and your dating style. Good luck.

[Batya33]

My husband and I were in an LDR for a couple of years when we were dating and even when we were first married for awhile. . Here is why it worked. We’d dated seriously in the past. We could see each other every 11 days and basically balanced the travel burdens fairly.  We knew each other very well 
We talked about what we wanted out of the relationship- marriage and family - and we had the plan in place that I would be willing to relocate for his career if we married. We followed through on 100% of all we discussed. I never ever would have done LDR if we couldn’t do it this way. 
And by the way even though we were serious in the past we waited a couple of months before having sex. 

[catfeeder]

On 11/17/2022 at 10:22 PM, eNotAgain said:

I have an anxiety disorder. Traveling and dating is really hard for me,

Then why position yourself to take on both at the same time?

Aside from being dangerous to meet a long distance stranger, even by staying in a hotel, traveling to the home of someone you barely know risks the worst possible emotional and physical outcomes.

Most people are NOT our match, even on a good day, even locally. Positioning yourself to take on the expense and risk of meeting a lousy match long distance who is also cruel to boot just makes no sense.

Healthy people have zero need to 'blame' another person for anything--much less their own problems. Healthy people also have no trouble walking AWAY from anyone who would do that. 

It might be best to put dating on a shelf until you can address the kind of desperation that would position yourself at risk of being trapped and possibly harmed by a cruel person.

This isn't some moral finger-wag, it's practical. Online apps can be used to set up quick meets over coffee in PUBLIC places with local people to check one another out before committing to a full date. But beyond that, any online 'relationship' is nothing more than fantasy building, and it's not likely to turn out well. It's how people get scammed and worse.

Head high, we all learn from living. Put this lesson in your pocket to build confidence in learning how to screen out bad matches BEFORE spending your valuable time with them.

[gamon]

You left out the part where he was in prison until last year for attempted murder with a vehicle.

And how your anxiety and paranoia is so bad, that because you didn't see the three little dots on the text message before you received a heart emoji you had yourself convinced he was sending it to another girl but copied and pasted it into a text message to you.

And that he initially said he has no children but in fact has an 8 year old child.

And how you've only known each other 3 months, and you've seen each other only twice- once for 5 days straight and you had to drink the entire time to feel comfortable in his presence.

Those seemingly minor details matter.

 

 

[Jaunty]

On 11/17/2022 at 7:22 PM, eNotAgain said:

 

For context, I have an anxiety disorder. Traveling and dating is really hard for me, it triggers panic attacks because of severe past traumas.

It seems like you are trying to manage your anxiety by having an LDR where you would not have to deal with a live person, and stressful meetings with the accompanying potential for rejection and disappointment.  Instead you choose someone on FaceTime or texts, where you could be completely in control and in your comfort zone.   You never really have to deal with day to day issues and the relationship can exist in a fantasy zone for the most part.

Unfortunately the flip side of this would be the person with anxiety's worst nightmare - having to travel and be FAR from your comfort zone just to meet the person.  And then to jump into being real - life sexual with a guy you never even really got to spend time with exploring your chemistry.

 

[eNotAgain]

1 hour ago, gamon said:

You left out the part where he was in prison until last year for attempted murder with a vehicle.

And how your anxiety and paranoia is so bad, that because you didn't see the three little dots on the text message before you received a heart emoji you had yourself convinced he was sending it to another girl but copied and pasted it into a text message to you.

Yes, you're right, but now I realize my paranoia was actually my gut instinct (which is usually always right Ive noticed) telling me that he was in fact talking to other women on instagram. Something felt off. A subtle change in tone or affection via text was alerting me of that and I was picking up on it subconsciously.

Also, he never even had a rose for me or anything sweet waiting for me when I arrived both times after traveling all that way. I drove to see him the first time which was a 7 hour drive. Plane ride was the second time. If I was a guy and a girl did that for me I'd at least have a rose for her or something romantic for her efforts. 

This is going to sound gross, but in his bathroom, in the toilet, he had...brown stains on the bottom. Both times I was there, it was the same stain. He never bothered to clean it before I got there?? How inconsiderate. Every time I would go into that bathroom, he'd say "That bathroom is dirty." As if to say, stay out of it. Ok. THEN CLEAN IT. It would take two seconds. Ugh.

[eNotAgain]

He would say so many rude little comments to me too, like one time we were on the couch watching a movie and he was talking to me about something and my head was facing the TV. He said "Are you even listening to me?" I said yeah of course, he said "Then what did I just say?" And I repeated it back to him and he was like oh ok.

I showed him a new YouTube channel I created and he couldn't find it and he said "Are you lying?"

I was doing my hair in the mirror, he comes up to me and he goes "I guess you really like mirrors."

He was explaining gold and crypto value to me and I said something he thought was stupid and he said "What?? What are you talking about??? Thats what I'm trying to explain to you!" In such a rude condescending voice as if I had just insulted his mother. 

I cant even list the other little quips he had for me because I'd rather not remember.

[MissCanuck]

And you're worried this guy thinks you're a "ghost"?

I see zero to be attracted to here. Why did you want to be his girlfriend? 

[eNotAgain]

1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

And you're worried this guy thinks you're a "ghost"?

I see zero to be attracted to here. Why did you want to be his girlfriend? 

His professional video online persona is actually MUCH better than who he is in person. He is very rude in person, boring, never tried to be funny, always stoic and always easy to anger over any little thing. The version of him I saw on his YouTube channel, the version of him I interacted with via FaceTime, and the super loving version of him he portrayed through daily long text messages was vastly different than the cold distant stoic, non-affectionate, non-conversationalist I met.

Also, he's model status gorgeous. I was fooled.

[MissCanuck]

6 minutes ago, eNotAgain said:

he's model status gorgeous

So this is it. You wanted a hot guy to like you. 

But it sounds like he's a total punk. Don't let looks blind you. Drop him like yesterday's mouldy apples. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, eNotAgain said:

Also, he's model status gorgeous. I was fooled.

Richard Ramirez, Ted Bundy and Charles Manson all had fans and followers.. They were also considered handsome. They all had Svengali-like charm. You dodged a bullet.

[Kwothe28]

This is the same girl that liked some black-pilled youtuber?

Damn girl, how many red flags you need? He was already a communist China flag when you met him.

[DarkCh0c0]

Please tell me you blocked and deleted this guy everywhere...

You can't go lower than this. Please Increase your dating standards and stop going back to the trash. It's time you move on to men who have partner potential.

[Andrina]

2 hours ago, eNotAgain said:

Also, he's model status gorgeous. I was fooled.

A model status gorgeous guy who is actually a decent person would have absolutely no reason to date someone who lives 7 hours away. He'd have loads of local women in abundance to date. It didn't make sense, so figure out why you were so naive in order not to make the same mistakes again and again.

If you date locally, you'll only be out the price of a cup of coffee or a burger and fries instead of spending hundreds of dollars in gas and flights to find out what you just found out about a long distance guy. 

[gamon]

I could probably let the 10 year prison stint for trying to run a person over with a car slide this one time. I mean we all have our bad days, right? As long as he wasn't a repeat offender or one of those guys who smashes through a barrier and takes out large numbers of individuals in one shot.

But not leaving you a rose or something sweet after a long trip, and a dirty toilet bowl would be a deal breaker for sure.

There's no excuse for that.

 

[eNotAgain]

42 minutes ago, gamon said:

I could probably let the 10 year prison stint for trying to run a person over with a car slide this one time. I mean we all have our bad days, right? As long as he wasn't a repeat offender or one of those guys who smashes through a barrier and takes out large numbers of individuals in one shot.

 

He was actually arrested twice, three years prior to that incident. He used to have an alcohol problem...and an anger problem...still. When I asked him what one of his worst traits were, he said his anger.

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, gamon said:

You left out the part where he was in prison until last year for attempted murder with a vehicle....And that he initially said he has no children but in fact has an 8 year old child.

Whoa...not one dealbreaker, but 2, and not even worth mentioning?

4 hours ago, eNotAgain said:

...my gut instinct ...telling me that he was in fact talking to other women on instagram. 

... he never even had a rose for me or anything sweet waiting for me when I arrived...

... in the toilet, he had...brown stains on the bottom. 

...Wait... the guy tried to kill someone, and he lied to you about having a child, but you're focused on a rose, a toilet and Instagram?

You've got a big, huge, giant barrier in your vision.

You sound like someone who'd go for the BTK Killer if he'd set the right ambiance.

[waffle]

On 11/17/2022 at 10:22 PM, eNotAgain said:

Was it really my fault for acting "like a ghost mentally" or was it his new found interest in other women?

This is literally the least of your problems here.  And frankly, his interest in other women was not "new found" trust me.  Frankly if I were you I'd be thankful to get rid of him and gladly let him pursue those other women, and I'd get myself to a therapist posthaste to try and figure out why my man-picker is so incredibly off.

If you suffer from anxiety from past trauma, then what about this guy seemed like a safe guy to be with?  Under those circumstances this is the exact sort of guy you need to stay far, FAR away from.

[waffle]

Prison record for attempted murder, combined with admitted anger issues?  Hard pass right there.