He said I acted like a ghost mentally? Broke up, help

[boltnrun]

Other than "But he's like totes hot! And he's kinda sorta famous!", what about this man do you find so alluringly attractive?

I'm not making fun of you, I promise.  I just can't understand why someone who has dating anxiety would choose someone like this, or why you thought trying to date him would improve your anxiety.

What does your therapist think of this guy?

[eNotAgain]

He came on hot and heavy for the first 2 months, telling me a bunch of what turned out to be sweet nothings. Probably was love bombing and I just didnt realize it. We had a lot in common in terms of what we believe in and bonded over that, among other topics and interests and we opened up to each other about our traumas, etc. I fell hook line and sinker thinking it was the real deal. I guess thats what they mean by love is blind.

In person, it was dry, distant, dull and no deep conversations. Totally different. He was like this the first time actually, not affectionate, but I chalked it up to his prison stint and needing time to open up. Which he actually confirmed. Right when he created that instagram, everything changed. No more sweet texts, no more asking to call me before bed, etc. 

Side note that I thought about just now - He actually specifically told me that he's into foreplay but basically only if its for him, not the girl, and he said "I respect that you like foreplay but I dont enjoy it unless its a BJ for me." He literally did NOTHING for me in bed and yet complained that I was the one who "didnt seem to enjoy making love" to him. Yes, he called it making love. Psh.

[Batya33]

I can’t relate to why you would want this person to know where you live let alone date him. 

[eNotAgain]

22 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I can’t relate to why you would want this person to know where you live let alone date him. 

Technically I never gave him my address...so at least there's that.

[Jaunty]

7 hours ago, eNotAgain said:

Yes, you're right, but now I realize my paranoia was actually my gut instinct (which is usually always right Ive noticed) telling me that he was in fact talking to other women on instagram. Something felt off.

I'm sorry, but who cares if he was talking to women on IG?  There was NOTHING between you, from your descriptions on this thread, your other one elsewhere, and now even more examples of two people stuck together in the same place who have NO connection.   

I mean, I know it would feel weird to know a guy you had traveled to see was pursuing other women ... but he didn't  sit next to you or even remain in the room where you were sitting for hours.  Sex one time with no kissing and no foreplay.  Etc. 

It was a complete flop.  So whether he was talking to other women or not is so beside the point that I can't believe you're still concerned about it.

[Capricorn3]

2 hours ago, waffle said:

Prison record for attempted murder, combined with admitted anger issues?  Hard pass right there.

^ I second the above.

OP, what exactly do you find attractive about an attempted murder and "He was actually arrested twice, three years prior to that incident. He used to have an alcohol problem...and an anger problem...still."  Serious question. Trying to understand your mindset.

[Jaunty]

You keep bringing up new "outrages" for us to be aghast about ... All I can think about is:  you've got to be kidding me ... who would hang around for any of this?  Much less drive 7 hours for it - and then buy a plane ticket to go back for much much more!  

 The more you tell, the more freaked out I get ... about YOU and how you are doing in your life.   Why would you be fine with his attempted murder and lying about being a parent, but be outraged about not getting a freaking rose or how he texted you?  Can you explain how you've come around to your priorities?

[eNotAgain]

He explained the vehicle incident as a drunken bar fight basically where apparently it was more like road rage accident which is why I gave him more of a pass on that. But yes, the lying about being a parent thing was definitely a big blow to me. I didn't take it well in person when I found out. I honestly just really liked the guy and I think that clouded a lot of my judgement here. Looking back, both trips were lackluster and boring. I honestly dont think I had fun a single time there.

[MissCanuck]

What have your previous relationships looked like?

Because this dude is bottom-of-the-barrel. I am wondering why your standards are almost non-existent. 

[DarkCh0c0]

2 hours ago, eNotAgain said:

. Looking back, both trips were lackluster and boring

And risky and dangerous. He could have murdered YOU at his place.

Honey, where's your self worth? There's no need to be so desperate. Plenty of single men are out there and they have not had a prison sentence and they don't have anger issues. Plenty of men would be happy to treat you well, date you on your own pace and have a healthy relationship. Just learn to walk away from the bad apples as soon as you know about the red flag.

You got us all worried about you here. Learn to respect yourself. Maybe as exercise, you can lay out your deal-breakers in relationships and a man on a sheet of paper. Once these are written down, stick to them. That'll help you keep your head above your shoulders when dating. Don't let any man, attention, gifts, ect. take you off this list. Also, write down a list of how you expect to treated and make sure you're on track there too.

[Wiseman2]

Because you seem unusually nonchalant and ok with his violent and criminal behavior, here is some interesting data for you to consider:

"Hybristophilia is a sexual interest in and attraction to those who commit crimes,

Many high-profile criminals, particularly those who have committed atrocious crimes, receive "fan mail" in prison that is sometimes amorous or sexual, presumably as a result of this phenomenon". 

[boltnrun]

Do his criminal behavior, substance abuse, anger issues and lies make him seem to you like an alluring "bad boy" type?

And if he's so hot and so charming, why does he need to find women who live a seven hour drive away to date?  My guess is he's striking out in his own area because most women aren't interested in dating a drunk, angry criminal who lies.

Bigger question is, are there absolutely no nice men closer than seven hours away you can date?

I'm also wondering what your therapist thinks of this man.  Have you been honest with your therapist?  Or are you not receiving treatment for your anxiety?

[catfeeder]

31 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm also wondering what your therapist thinks of this man.  Have you been honest with your therapist?  Or are you not receiving treatment for your anxiety?

Yep. Consider sharing this with a therapist and delving into why you'd blow past his admission to being ragey enough to lose his s*** and attempt murder, and you'd say, "Sure! I want to travel 7 hours to go meet that!"

If you're willing to address this one big problem, the rest becomes irrelevant.

 

[Jaunty]

14 hours ago, eNotAgain said:

He explained the vehicle incident as a drunken bar fight basically where apparently it was more like road rage accident which is why I gave him more of a pass on that. But yes, the lying about being a parent thing was definitely a big blow to me. I didn't take it well in person when I found out. I honestly just really liked the guy and I think that clouded a lot of my judgement here. Looking back, both trips were lackluster and boring. I honestly dont think I had fun a single time there.

Here you go again, though.  NOT ONE GOOD THING besides "HAWT" and some BS about how you share the same spiritual beliefs?  What are those exactly?  All you have to say are complaints (justified) about his poopy toilet, awful sex, complete disinterest in you, not giving you a rose, on, and on, and on ...

And to top it all off he's a mentally unstable criminal.

WHY DID YOU WANT TO PUT YOURSELF OUT FOR THIS?  

Why?

[Capricorn3]

13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 you seem unusually nonchalant and ok with his violent and criminal behavior,

^ I was thinking the same thing and wondering what's up with that.  Instead, OP just keeps adding more to the list of his unsavory behavior. 🤔

OP, what does your therapist say about all of this?