My bf (28) followed a questionable girl on Instagram right after his vacation?

[hithere11237281]

My bf just got back from a week long vacation in Puerto Vallarta. I made the mistake yesterday of looking at his followers on Instagram. I noticed a girl following him that just stuck out to me. I clicked on her profile and it says he’s following her back too. On top of that, she has her onlyfans (porn site) link attached and her profile is new- posts are recent only dating back to a month ago. 

She also has liked a few pictures on my bfs page. She only posts very revealing photos and her stories she posted this whole last week say she’s in puerto Vallarta too- at the same time my bf was. 

I looked her name up and it shows she has various accounts- one even says she’s trans. 

I want to give my bf the benefit of the doubt and believe that maybe this chick just followed him because he tagged puerto Vallarta in a post? 

I’m nervous to ask him because then he’ll know I looked at his followers list. 

How do I proceed with this?

[moodindigo91]

How long have you been together? Who was he on vacation with? 

[hithere11237281]

3 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

How long have you been together? Who was he on vacation with? 

We’ve been together 9 months and his male cousin. 

[bluecastle]

You know your boyfriend better than us. Is he a dude who you think would be drawn to this sort of sass, striking up conversations with IG thirst traps, using Only Fans, and so on? What's your gut there? 

For whatever it's worth, I have zero interest in this frou-frou but will occasionally have one of these types of people follow me, which I notice because (a) I see the notification for a new follower and (b) because they always tend to like a few random pictures. My sense is this is how they get you over to to the pay sites, with the liking of random photos a little extra push on a phishing expedition, not unlike the random auto warranty calls me and millions get on their phones. That this woman had a multiple accounts, including a trans account, kind of radiates clickbait far more than real human being.

Whenever I catch it I just block and report as spam, but I could easily imagine a world—the one your boyfriend may inhabit—where someone else just shrugs and does nothing.

Anyhow, I'd take a moment to ask yourself some questions. Like, why were you looking at his followers list? Because you're insecure in this relationship? Has he given you reason to be, or do you run on the insecure side of things? I'd be curious to hear more on that front before offering advice about the next steps. 

 

[moodindigo91]

Yeah, I agree with @bluecastle. 9 months of dating is not much, to be honest. And the fact that you're already not trusting of your boyfriend is not a great thing. Has he been exhibiting any evasive or odd behavior since he returned? What prompted you to look at his followers?  

Also I am curious, is your boyfriend's IG profile public? Some people on IG are very concerned with their follower numbers, and typically follow back anyone who follows them, even if who is following them is a spammy account. 

[hithere11237281]

17 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

You know your boyfriend better than us. Is he a dude who you think would be drawn to this sort of sass, striking up conversations with IG thirst traps, using Only Fans, and so on? What's your gut there? 

For whatever it's worth, I have zero interest in this frou-frou but will occasionally have one of these types of people follow me, which I notice because (a) I see the notification for a new follower and (b) because they always tend to like a few random pictures. My sense is this is how they get you over to to the pay sites, with the liking of random photos a little extra push on a phishing expedition, not unlike the random auto warranty calls me and millions get on their phones. That this woman had a multiple accounts, including a trans account, kind of radiates clickbait far more than real human being.

Whenever I catch it I just block and report as spam, but I could easily imagine a world—the one your boyfriend may inhabit—where someone else just shrugs and does nothing.

Anyhow, I'd take a moment to ask yourself some questions. Like, why were you looking at his followers list? Because you're insecure in this relationship? Has he given you reason to be, or do you run on the insecure side of things? I'd be curious to hear more on that front before offering advice about the next steps. 

 

The truth is, my bf cheated on his ex girlfriend with me. I didn’t know he was in a relationship at the time. We actually met on vacation and ended up making out and getting handsy with each other. I didn’t find out for a year later when we actually started dating. 
 

It does make me a bit nervous to fully trust him knowing this. In the past I’ve been hurt before and lied to and I think I’m just always cautious. I checked his followers because I was curious. I just thought it was weird he followed her back. I would get it if she just followed him, but why would he need to request her too? 

[moodindigo91]

Just now, hithere11237281 said:

The truth is, my bf cheated on his ex girlfriend with me. I didn’t know he was in a relationship at the time. We actually met on vacation and ended up making out and getting handsy with each other. I didn’t find out for a year later when we actually started dating. 

Oh, well. If that's the case, then I would honestly just leave this relationship. I'm questioning why you started/continued a relationship with him after finding out you were the other woman. In my opinion, those relationships hardly work out. 

Him following her back on IG could be totally innocent, but it could also not be. In any case, it's clear you're not secure in this relationship, and honestly I think it makes sense, since from the very beginning you knew he was a cheater. 

I think you should not say anything to him about this IG issue, and just break up with him to be honest. You will probably never feel secure in this relationship, and it's not worth investing any more of your time and energy into this relationship if that is the case. 

[hithere11237281]

9 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

Yeah, I agree with @bluecastle. 9 months of dating is not much, to be honest. And the fact that you're already not trusting of your boyfriend is not a great thing. Has he been exhibiting any evasive or odd behavior since he returned? What prompted you to look at his followers?  

Also I am curious, is your boyfriend's IG profile public? Some people on IG are very concerned with their follower numbers, and typically follow back anyone who follows them, even if who is following them is a spammy account. 

He hasn’t been acting any different. He did have a moment at a friends get together this weekend where his friend asked him how everything was and my bf kind of looked at me then pulled his friend away like it was something he didn’t want to say in front of me. 
 

I looked because I was curious if he’d followed any women while there. And there’s this one girl he did follow and she seems like a stripper. My bf had a track record with cheating on his exes and going to strip clubs. I just get worried he’ll do the same to me 

[MissCanuck]

6 minutes ago, hithere11237281 said:

my bf cheated on his ex girlfriend with me. I didn’t know he was in a relationship at the time. We actually met on vacation and ended up making out and getting handsy with each other. I didn’t find out for a year later when we actually started dating. 
It does make me a bit nervous to fully trust him knowing this.

You should be nervous. 

He is not trustworthy, and you know this better than anybody. You know he is the lying and cheating type. 

Why did you choose to have a relationship with someone like this? 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, hithere11237281 said:

My bf had a track record with cheating on his exes and going to strip clubs. I just get worried he’ll do the same to me 

Sorry this is happening. Step away to reflect a bit. Get tested for STDs if you feel he may have been with escorts or with others on his trip . 

[Andrina]

5 minutes ago, hithere11237281 said:

My bf had a track record with cheating on his exes and going to strip clubs. I just get worried he’ll do the same to me 

Well, as Dr. Phil says, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. It takes an epiphany for a person's ethics to change. Doesn't look like he's had an epiphany. You will feel a whole lot more secure choosing someone with the same ethics and boundaries as yourself. You will have to free yourself to find that sort of guy.

[bluecastle]

12 minutes ago, hithere11237281 said:

In the past I’ve been hurt before

Sorry about this. I'm not sure there's a soul on the planet, including myself, who hasn't been scraped up and burned a bit in romance. It's part of the bargain, and hopefully helps us fine tune our compass. Which leads me to this...

13 minutes ago, hithere11237281 said:

The truth is, my bf cheated on his ex girlfriend with me. I didn’t know he was in a relationship at the time.

And this...

7 minutes ago, hithere11237281 said:

My bf had a track record with cheating on his exes and going to strip clubs.

And the hard question of: why, exactly, you think this is the type of person who offers you a good chance at causing less pain than you've experienced in the past, rather than adding to it? Could it be that, on some level, you're trying to heal that pain by making something "work" with the kind of dude who, in the past, has not worked? A question worth exploring. 

I'm very forgiving by nature, cut people a lot of slack, firmly believe that people can grow. That's to say that I think the world is filled with plenty of good people who have cheated, and then go on to be faithful partners, just like it's filled with people who have been on hard drugs and get sober, or fail out of school and then come back to graduate with honors. 

Maybe this is your boyfriend. Then again, maybe not. I think what you need to ask yourself  is if the risk is worth it. That you're this insecure after nearly a year—and understandably so—might be the universe's way of telling you that you may be better fit with someone you know hasn't cheated and doesn't have an inner magnet for strip clubs. Hoping for a traditional sense of safety and security there is kind of like choosing to sleep in a tent on a freezing night rather than in a heated home. 

 

[Batya33]

In this context his behavior -the secrecy etc is following the pattern he followed with you.  Honestly -if he'd met you on vacation and told you he had a girlfriend, told you he was attracted to you and could he call you in the future once his relationship was over -that would have been different- meaning, still odd that he was on vacation without his partner, still odd that he'd be "going there" but at least it would have been up front and at least he would have been single when he contacted you later.  He acts on impulse -he liked you, he pursued you, to heck with his committed relationship . I'd say he's behaving the same way now.  

Also why did he go to a singles resort or at least a place where singles tend to go -with his male friend rather than somewhere more consistent with being in a relationship -was it planned before you met?

[DarkCh0c0]

11 hours ago, hithere11237281 said:

My bf had a track record with cheating on his exes and going to strip clubs. I just get worried he’ll do the same to me

Of course you are. You're walking on eggshells all the times waiting for that shoe to drop. Your feelings are valid.

Honestly, when you found out about his cheating past, you should have left immediately. It's a HUGE red stop flag. He is NOT partner material. As simple as that.

Why lower your bar and standards so much to be with this guy? You don't think you can do or deserve better? 

[Kwothe28]

11 hours ago, hithere11237281 said:

The truth is, my bf cheated on his ex girlfriend with me.

Yeah, nothing surprising there. Cheaters have a pattern that doesnt change. Whatever excuse he served you(or didnt because he didnt even told you about his then gf) now he probably does to that or any other girl. Its just the fact of life. If he cheated with you, you cant be surprised when he does the same to you.

So its unclear why you would expect his pattern to change? When it was very clear it didnt. Do you really think its a coincidence he went on a vacation without you? With his male cousin so they could hook up with women there?

[HeartGoesOn]

20 hours ago, hithere11237281 said:

My bf had a track record with cheating on his exes and going to strip clubs. I just get worried he’ll do the same to me 

Since history has a tendency to repeat itself, what makes you think he'll treat you differently?

If he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you. Maybe it's time to set the bar higher, and send him packing?

[smackie9]

21 hours ago, hithere11237281 said:

He hasn’t been acting any different. He did have a moment at a friends get together this weekend where his friend asked him how everything was and my bf kind of looked at me then pulled his friend away like it was something he didn’t want to say in front of me. 
 

I looked because I was curious if he’d followed any women while there. And there’s this one girl he did follow and she seems like a stripper. My bf had a track record with cheating on his exes and going to strip clubs. I just get worried he’ll do the same to me 

And with this info you decided to date him anyways?..Guuuurl! the red arrows are pointing at it with the big neon sign "cheater" over his head.

[boltnrun]

Despite all the evidence in front of you, despite "getting" him by being his cheating partner (and meeting him on vacation!) and despite his additional past cheating behaviors that you know about...you STILL thought he wouldn't cheat on you? Why? 

I wouldn't continue one more day in this alleged relationship.

[catfeeder]

Unfortunately, you're taking the long road and the hard way to learn what it's like to partner with someone who is habitual with disloyalty. The fact alone that he lied by omission about his GF would be enough to make healthy women run.

So the question becomes, why not you?

[Mammalyssa]

In my experiences, a cheater always cheats. I've previously been the one to say give people a chance and if they're really in love they won't do it. But what I've learnt about this topic from a previous relationship I was in is... 

 the man that thinks its okay to cheat places a low value on the act of cheating itself. He may well love you and be crazy about you. But that cheating moment was just a 'harmless' bit of fun that happened and then was over. And to him he gets on with life as normal feeling no guilt, because that moment meant nothing to him.

I have learnt nothing you say or do can change that it meant nothing to them, so they really don't feel guilt or see it as a big deal. In their mind they love you, and you are important to them... so the only regret they have is when you find out about it and they are at risk of losing that perfect world where they can have their cake and eat it too. Often they have mates that are of similar opinion to them. So they validate each other and back each other up with their stories. 

In your circumstance I would wait a little longer. If he is cheating he will prove himself to be cheating at some point. Instagram following isn't a great way to prove anything whatsoever. Your man probably looks at porn or sexy women, and maybe that's all that is. Making the actual accusation is a whole other llevel. He will prove himself either way at some point.