Guilt

[GotMyLifeBack]

I've been thinking all day about how to explain this clearly, but it still feels muddled in my head. Anyway, I'll try...

I previously posted about ending a relationship after living together for 4 months, due to my GF's volatile temper, showing as either silent treatment or her yelling and slamming doors. As far as understand it, she was acting out of her own past traumas and/or current work stress rather than my doing something to her. 

I told her a few times that we had to learn to talk about stuff, instead of her just blowing up or refusing to talk. It got so bad one time that I was putting clothes in my suitcase to leave, but she pleaded for me to stay and I did.

In the end though, I did end it with her, as I felt very nervous around her, unsafe to talk or tell her how I felt about anything of substance. Each temper incident piled onto the previous one, and I became quite resentful, and definitely anxious around her. During the last four weeks together, our conversations were always superficial, and we did not talk about our relationship. I was just trying to survive.

While this was going on, when she was calm, my GF often told me she loved me and wanted to be with me. I believed it, and still believe that was true then. But I was in a quiet state of panic, and just needed to get away from her, especially get away from the uncertainty of when the next blow-up would occur.

So I ended it, and I think I probably broke her heart. In spite of my telling her she needed to talk rather than handle anger the way she did (yet it kept happening), and the fact that I was once half-way out the door, I have this terrible feeling that I didn't do enough to tell her how terrible I felt.

I try to give myself a break, and remind myself I was trying to survive, and that she didn't exactly make it a warm and safe environment for me to talk, but I still feel guilty that I didn't do better. I wish I had done more to let her know how unhappy and anxious I was, and then maybe she wouldn't have been surprised at all when I ended it. 

I just needed to express this.

[moodindigo91]

11 minutes ago, GotMyLifeBack said:

I have this terrible feeling that I didn't do enough to tell her how terrible I felt.

This is classic leftover abuse manifesting itself. You feel this way only because you were walking on eggshells with her due to her inability to be an adult and control emotions. There's probably nothing more you could have done to make her understand how terrible you felt. What's more, she probably did not and does not even care about your feelings. Even if you could have made her understand how terrible she was making you feel, it's very likely she wouldn't have changed. She broke her own heart in that way. 

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, but you really did do the right thing by leaving and I doubt she cares about how terrible you felt. Stop wasting your energy and emotion on this woman. She is not worth it! 

[GotMyLifeBack]

3 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

This is classic leftover abuse manifesting itself.

I wondered about this, like suspected it might have been happening. Thanks so much for your thoughts.

[Lambert]

It takes time to heal and it can be a lot of different emotions including guilt and feelings of not doing enough.  Whether to give them more or to do more for yourself or both. 

I think we all learn and grow as people through these types of experiences. I ended a similar relationship- anger issues etc and I can tell you, years later I can still have bad feelings, if I let them  fester in my mind. 

I take a deep breath, remind myself that I forgive myself and if I ever find myself in a similar situation I will do better for myself. Mainly, see the anger the first time as a red flag and a deal breaker. 

I didn't deserve that crap and it's not my responsibility to fix people. And that goes for you, too.

Hang in there.  it'll get better. ❤️

[GotMyLifeBack]

3 minutes ago, Lambert said:

 

I take a deep breath, remind myself that I forgive myself and if I ever find myself in a similar situation I will do better for myself. Mainly, see the anger the first time as a red flag and a deal breaker. 

Yes I'm trying to do this. Taking a breath, get to the next moment, forgive myself, take care of myself now and in the future, watch out for anger issues in the future too. Thank you for writing and for your wisdom. 

[bluecastle]

Sorry about all this. 

I doubt this brings much comfort right now, but to a certain degree I think the thoughts and feelings you're having are part of most breakups, regardless of the situation. 

Did I do the right thing, in ending it? Could I have done more? Can only speak for myself, but I've found myself spinning around that drain plenty in the wake of things, maybe all the more so when I've been the one to press eject. 

What I like to remind myself of from time to time, not just in moments of heartbreak, but also in partnership, is that relationships don't actually live or die, wilt or thrive, because of something done, or not done. Yes, that matters, but ultimately there is the x-factor of compatibility that allows it to work, or not, and in ways that x-factor is being tested every day. 

You two didn't work and, regardless of the specifics, that stings and will sting for a bit. Moving in, it seems, brought to the surface all that didn't work, as is often the case. But you tried, and clearly tried your best, with a full heart, and that is something to be proud of. So remind yourself of that truth when you're debating thorny hypotheticals. Hopefully it offers something like stability as the ground wobbles. 

 

[Kwothe28]

48 minutes ago, GotMyLifeBack said:

I wish I had done more to let her know how unhappy and anxious I was, and then maybe she wouldn't have been surprised at all when I ended it. 

I dont think she is a "good listener" to hear that OP. 

There are always regrets. Stuff that we should have said during break up that we just didnt. But in this case I dont think it would matter. She didnt think about you and your feelings there. And more you said it there is a chance she would more pull into "rage mode". Just be thankful you got a generally clean break up with somebody like that. And move on with your life in due time.

[GotMyLifeBack]

11 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

But you tried, and clearly tried your best, with a full heart

That I did do. Really went into this with everything. And like you, I'm probably doing some extra spinning around the drain since I was the one who pressed eject. I appreciate your support.

[GotMyLifeBack]

5 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dont think she is a "good listener" to hear that OP. 

You may be right. When I tried to talk to her about needing to talk (rather than rage), it seemed like my words didn't land. Thanks for your encouraging words.

[Cherylyn]

Don't feel guilty.  Even though my story is different, initially I too felt guilty and then after thinking long and hard for months or years, I came to the conclusion that some relationships no matter who they are were not meant to be for a reason.  Reasons are from personality and character differences which will never click nor mesh.  It's like oil and water.  There will always be a separation and two people cannot force to make relationships (or friendships) work no matter how hard they try if they're not in lockstep when it comes to treating each other with mutual respect, common decency and common courtesy.  It's not that complicated. 

There are people in my life who are reminiscent of your ex-girlfriend.  They're unreasonable and defy all sense of logic.  Instead of engaging in a CALM discussion to resolve anything,  they impulsively explode. 😡  It's either their way or the highway.  Next, they habitually and chronically gaslight me.  😡  You have to walk on eggshells and constantly kowtow to them otherwise they'll send your head to the chopping block every time.  It's ridiculous.  I grew sick and tired of this sick song and dance.  Unfortunately, these same people still exist in my midst.  Even though they try to get close to me,  hope that I had forgotten why I'm angry,  I've since backed off a lot.  I'm peaceful and kind yet maintain a deliberate frosty distance.  I enforce very strong, permanent boundaries with predictably complex, difficult people.  These types of people will always give you trouble and it's not going to work.  They are repeat offenders.  These types of people are extremely self-centered and selfish.  They only think of themselves and lack empathy.  I'm fed up  with dealing with these types of mentally ill people.  I'm out. 

You did the right thing by ending it.  Perhaps someday she'll learn to change for the better or endure repetitive breakups until she realizes that she needs to fix herself or she'll continue to alienate others. 

You deserve to be with a woman who knows how to behave properly.  Just like women deserve men who know how to behave properly.  Any other way is abysmal.

[GotMyLifeBack]

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

It's not that complicated. 

and...

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

You deserve to be with a woman who knows how to behave properly.  Just like women deserve men who know how to behave properly.

Yes to both of your comments. All humans have had traumatic experiences, things that have made us sensitive about certain things, but it's not all that hard just to be nice. "It's not that complicated."

You (Cherylyn) seem to have a lot of toxic people swirling around you. I'm not sure what drives them (though you might). As for my ex-GF, I'm pretty sure she was acting out of previous traumas that had nothing to do with me - she'll have to heal and learn to manage her behavior if she wants people to stick around. I just couldn't and wouldn't do it any more.

[lostandhurt]

So lets say you stuck around another 2 months of being her emotional punching bag, how would that have helped?  In a relationship if you find yourself trying to be your partners therapist after living together for 4 months something is seriously wrong.

 Some people rage like she does.  They often use euphemism like "I am very passionate when I am upset"  They don't mean they are horny, they are trying to tell you they fly off the handle.  Many times these people find each other and the relationship is very explosive and volatile.  They scream and yell and when they burn themselves out they are loving and caring.  These huge swings are scary and unpredictable.

 You did the right thing in leaving and in fact in some way you may have helped her.  You were clear what you needed her to do so you could continue the relationship so she knows what caused your departure.  Perhaps in time she will seek help with her anger issues because she lost you over them.

Lost

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, GotMyLifeBack said:

I told her a few times that we had to learn to talk about stuff, instead of her just blowing up or refusing to talk. 

You made the right call. Incompatible people just don't belong together. You already told her over and over how you wanted/needed things to be but she continued to be who she was.

It's best that you did end it when you did rather than trying to continue to force fit two incompatible personalities together or try to fix or change her.

Letting go takes courage. Reflect on why you are second guessing your decision.

[jul-els]

It was a painful experience, and one that you were meant to learn and grow from. Bottom line is it was toxic for you and moving on was what was necessary.
 

You have to feel it to heal it and unfortunately there is no shortcut, but on the other side of your healing you will find you have cleared the space in your heart and in your life for a more suitable partner. 

[GotMyLifeBack]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Reflect on why you are second guessing your decision.

Almost zero second guessing of my decision. My second guessing is about how I exited the relationship, particularly whether I was emphatic enough about how unacceptable (painful etc.) her anger behavior was. Thank you so much for your support.

[GotMyLifeBack]

3 hours ago, jul-els said:

It was a painful experience

Yes, very painful. I just wanted peace, laughter, and mutual support, and when there was conflict, to handle it respectfully. Hopefully I will find that some day. Thank you!

[GotMyLifeBack]

11 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

These huge swings are scary and unpredictable.

I may have gotten into some low-level PTSD if I stayed there too long. I just never knew when the explosion would occur, and I found myself constantly on-alert and tense as I was scanning for signs. That's not a way to live. Thank you for your thoughts!

[jul-els]

51 minutes ago, GotMyLifeBack said:

Almost zero second guessing of my decision. My second guessing is about how I exited the relationship, particularly whether I was emphatic enough about how unacceptable (painful etc.) her anger behavior was. Thank you so much for your support.

If you were trapped in a forest fire and managed to escape, would you worry if you could have done more for the trees? It doesn’t matter. You did what was necessary to protect yourself. In time you will come to see this. 

[Cherylyn]

16 hours ago, GotMyLifeBack said:

and...

Yes to both of your comments. All humans have had traumatic experiences, things that have made us sensitive about certain things, but it's not all that hard just to be nice. "It's not that complicated."

You (Cherylyn) seem to have a lot of toxic people swirling around you. I'm not sure what drives them (though you might). As for my ex-GF, I'm pretty sure she was acting out of previous traumas that had nothing to do with me - she'll have to heal and learn to manage her behavior if she wants people to stick around. I just couldn't and wouldn't do it any more.

I agree, all or most humans experience trauma in one form or another.  However, there's no excuse not to be kind, calm AND reasonable. 

Yes, I have toxic people in my life including two brothers-in-law, my sister who will forever defend her meal ticket and obnoxiously rude husband, my husband's BIL (brother-in-law - married to my husband's sister) and to some degree, my mother but at least we're peaceful. 

I know what drives them.  My BIL (brother-in-law who is married to my sister) is one of 6 brothers and their mother abandoned them.  Despite not receiving his high school diploma, he's successful so I'll give him that.  He's extremely insecure, possessive and controlling because he doesn't have a college degree, he's short (not that it should matter) and alienates others with his egregious verbal comments towards his wife, children and others during social settings.  It's no wonder he's not well liked by his colleagues nor anyone he encounters.  He's extremely jealous if his wife pays a compliment to others, if she pays attention to others or if she walks away from him.  He paws her publicly, habitually interrupts her conversations with others, follows her around like a lost puppy and should she pay attention to someone else,  he'll say something obnoxiously rude to whoever is nearby.  No one is unscathed. 

My sister defends her husband because he's an outstanding provider as money talks.  They reside in an exclusive, very affluent residential neighborhood.  My sister defends her husband by gaslighting me should I ever air my grievances to her about her husband.  Her husband publicly insulted my husband, sons and me.  The jerk has no filter.

I've told my sister everything my mother and brother have told me about my late father plus all of my recollections as well.  I've revealed his smoking, alcoholism, wife beating, infidelity, leaving us without paying child support, forcing my mother to financially support her MIL (mother-in-law) and the list grows from bad to worst in every way imaginable.  My mother had to work 3 jobs 7 days a week as a single parent.  My sister called me a liar which was like committing homicide in the relationship.  She refuses to accept the truth because it ruins her fantasy of a father whom she thought she knew when she was 8 years old.  Hence,  she's a master at gaslighting me.  I'm out and DONE.  You can never deal with stupidity.

Calling me a liar was a real deal breaker.  I feel that whenever anyone does something deplorable towards you, they're actually doing you a huge favor meaning their real despicable characters warn you never to trust them again because they're repeat offenders.  Once bitten,  twice shy. 

My only regret was that I naively thought I could make incompatible relationships work by kowtowing, acquiescing, groveling and being a "yes" person to no avail.  I should've given up a long time ago.  Better late than never.

Fortunately to my benefit, when she called me a liar, she dug a deeper hole for herself.  I've since saved her text, my husband and sons saw it, she knows that my husband told his mother and sister whom my sister was close to and it's been saved in cloud, too.  I've also saved it in my computer and printed it on paper as convenient, instant proof and evidence at any time.  She damaged her reputation.  She was so humiliated by her own undoing that she didn't attend a restaurant rendezvous with family and in-laws which she arranged.  She lost face.  Good.  She's the one who put herself in a bind.  Fortunately, I finally put an end to holiday meals at my sister's house.  We've switched holiday meals to my MIL's house.  My mother and brother will attend my sister's holiday meal and I'm fine with it because I can see my brother and mother anytime as they reside locally.  It's not as if we have to travel long distance to see my brother and mother.  They only live 30 minutes away. 

Due to my mother's horrific childhood, teenage years, young adulthood and a marriage made in hell, she is a wounded soul.  We are in good terms and sustain a peaceful relationship albeit not chummy nor close.  She gaslights, too but as long as I maintain a safe, cool distance, all is well.

My brother plays 'Switzerland' and neutral.  However, both my brother and mother sit on both sides of the fence.  Not intervening for the sake of your own harmonious desires with a perpetrator is selfish  and self-serving.  It demonstrates lack of empathy and laziness.  I have a peaceful relationship with my brother albeit not chummy and close.  It works.

Then there's my husband's BIL (brother-in-law who is married to his sister).  He has a mouth problem with his obnoxiously rude comments.  He is also foul mouthed and has no qualms spewing four letter words quite easily and frequently.  All of these people aforementioned reside locally.  Due to my enforced boundaries, we only see these local relatives and in-laws for major holiday meals, my MIL's birthday,  weddings and funerals. 

Even though my MIL gaslights, too, she behaves nowadays yet we're not close.  We're polite acquaintances and it works.  Our main focus is my late FIL (father-in-law)'s death this year. 

Btw, none of these people would ever apologize in a million years.  There is no such thing as admittance and saying you're sorry.  Never.  They're forever in denial mode which is the norm. 😡

The moral of this story is that you have to deal with so many different personalities and characters in your life.  You'll arrive at a point where you've hit a wall in the relationship.  Defeat is actually a win because this is your chance to make your exit in order to have freedom.  With some people whom you can't avoid, you enforce strong boundaries.  If you can afford to lose intolerable people in your life, you'll become estranged which is not a bad thing.  Estrangement gives you peace so you can move on,  feel secure,  safe,  protected and out of harm's way. 

People who are impulsive hot heads don't exercise discretion.  They just say, write and do without thinking about how you feel.  To them, it doesn't matter because you don't matter to them.  You can't teach an old dog new tricks.  They are who they are and you can't change them either.  Either enforce strong boundaries or dissolve and exit toxic and dysfunctional relationships. 

As you mature,  you will become steadfast, unwavering and absolute with your convictions.  This builds wisdom, security and self confidence.  You don't fear anymore.  You do whatever it takes to save your sanity and survive.  You will be fine.

People will never forget how you made them feel.  It's difficult to recover from being disrespected.  Sure, you can heal but you can never take back stinging words once it's been recklessly dispensed.  It's over and something died within your heart which was not all in vain.  You've learned from painful experiences and now you've considered it as wisdom gained. 

[SooSad33]

21 hours ago, GotMyLifeBack said:

In the end though, I did end it with her, as I felt very nervous around her, unsafe to talk or tell her how I felt about anything of substance. Each temper incident piled onto the previous one, and I became quite resentful, and definitely anxious around her. During the last four weeks together, our conversations were always superficial, and we did not talk about our relationship. I was just trying to survive.

I think you said enough.  You experienced plenty on how she handles herself.

Remember the above statement.  And keep reminding yourself of this.  You acted out the best way on removing yourself from it all.

Feel no guilt!  She has made you fearful and anxious.  And one should never have to walk on eggshells with their partner, they should feel happy & safe with.

 

[catfeeder]

Credit yourself for recognizing that you can not change another person. You communicated to the best of your ability given who you were working with.

The woman’s whole method of operating was to squelch your ability to reach her. So once you recognized that, your only obligation was to tell her you were done.

Imagining any heroic attempts beyond that puts you into territory where you believe you can change a person. Not a good place to go—that’s ego food.

Head high, and trust that the right person for you won’t need to be taught how to behave.

[GotMyLifeBack]

3 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Yes, I have toxic people in my life including two brothers-in-law, my sister who will forever defend her meal ticket and obnoxiously rude husband, my husband's BIL (brother-in-law - married to my husband's sister) and to some degree, my mother but at least we're peaceful. 

Thanks for telling me your story. You've certainly had a lot of practice establishing and enforcing boundaries, well, because you didn't have much choice. Families are unique in that they tend to stick around even in unhappiness and dysfunction. In chosen relationships such as romantic ones and marriage, there's relatively more reason for each partner to "behave," because the other partner may bail if things get too bad. But, did you ever notice (or experience) that once people get married or otherwise in a committed relationship, they relax and behave poorly in exactly the same way they did in their families of origin? Most people know how to behave well (I understand a couple of your family members may be exceptions) because they behave well at the beginning of the relationship, and they continue to do it in their work environment. My ex-GF taught on-line, and I was fascinated how her positivity and charm were unfailing when she was teaching, or when she was in public. I have never heard a defensible explanation for why people often treat their loved ones worse than they treat virtual strangers.

[GotMyLifeBack]

3 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Feel no guilt!  She has made you fearful and anxious.  And one should never have to walk on eggshells with their partner, they should feel happy & safe with.

I agree with you, walking on eggshells around my partner is a bad deal. So much anxiety. Thank you for your support, it means a lot.

[GotMyLifeBack]

40 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Head high, and trust that the right person for you won’t need to be taught how to behave.

Thank you catfeeder. Yes, if and when I am in a relationship again, I want it to be peaceful, without disrespect. And I agree with you, my ex-GF's "style," her anger simmering just beneath the surface, definitely kept me from reaching her. It wasn't just the dramatic episodes of the silent treatments or the blow-ups, it was the tension in her voice and body when I asked her to repeat something if I didn't hear it, or to explain something if I didn't understand. I really wanted the best for her, to be her friend as well as partner, but she made it very difficult.

[MissCanuck]

I doubt she had much (if any) empathy for the way she treated you when she raged at you and behaved badly. 

And here you are twisting yourself in knots for not being more empathetic about her mistreatment of you? OP, think about that. This is more about you than her. You are still in that phase of insecurity, brought on by a toxic relationship. It's normal, but in time you will see that you have it all backwards. You extended more than empathy to her, and got trampled on anyway. 

Don't forget, she is an adult. Even if she lacks emotional regulation skills, she is equipped enough to handle a break-up. She will be fine. And so will you, when your self-esteem is intact again.