Husband and “friend”

[Chiz]

Hi, 

I’m posting here because I’m feeling very lost at the moment. My husband and I have been married for three years, together for longer than that. For a while now, things have been off between us, with him having two jobs and with my job stressing me out.

He has recently made a “friend” at work, someone that he is constantly talking about and hanging out with. She is much younger by at least seven years. I have tried to befriend his friend myself, partially because I thought it would make him happy and partially because he doesn’t have any other friends.

However, we recently went out the other day together and I noticed that the girl was very touchy with my husband and they constantly went off alone together and left me. This isn’t the first time that they have done this and I had expressed to my husband that I felt uncomfortable with it. 
 

He says it is all in my head and that I should stop being so insecure about everything, that she is just his friend. However, he did agree to cool things off with her and the day that he did that, her mother showed up at my job to tell me off saying that her daughter did nothing wrong. 
 

I just don’t know what to do now. I love my husband and I want to trust him/not feel jealous but my gut is telling me there is more going on.

[MissCanuck]

52 minutes ago, Chiz said:

her mother showed up at my job to tell me off saying that her daughter did nothing wrong. 

What the actual eff. 

I hope you put Mommy in her place and told her to leave your workplace immediatley and have no further contact with you. That is not acceptable, but sure makes it looks as though you have a right to be suspicious of this young woman. They're barking too loudly over "nothing." What did your husband say about this? 

52 minutes ago, Chiz said:

my gut is telling me there is more going on

I think you are probably right. Him turning it around on you and calling you insecure rather than actually hearing you and discussing the issue is your cue. It's also very disrespectful of you and your marriage. 

Why doesn't he have any other friends? How had your marriage been until he met his new crush? 

I would step back and observe now. It will be hard, but I would watch what he does of his own volition without any steering from you. That will tell you where his heart really is, even if it's not where you hoped. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Chiz said:

 he did agree to cool things off with her and the day that he did that, her mother showed up at my job to tell me off saying that her daughter did nothing wrong. 

Sorry this is happening. How does his co-workers mother know where you work? 

Obviously your husband confides in her about you and not in a good way.

Trust your instincts that this is inappropriate.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Chiz said:

However, we recently went out the other day together and I noticed that the girl was very touchy with my husband and they constantly went off alone together and left me. This isn’t the first time that they have done this

Yeah, not acceptable.

1 hour ago, Chiz said:

However, he did agree to cool things off with her and the day that he did that, her mother showed up at my job to tell me off saying that her daughter did nothing wrong. 

You, um, do know why? Because "mommy dearest" knows about the affair. And wanted to let you know how he pursued her, not the other way around.

It all adds up rather perfectly. Things being off between you, him spending most of his time at work, meeting some younger girl at work because he spends most of his time there and starting an affair. No ammount of your denial, or you telling him to stop, would do the trick. Since he decided to fool around with a younger girl that even had told her mother about it. So I would prepare for the worst. That is unless you are fine with him having a wife at home and the lover at work.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Chiz said:

.I have tried to befriend his friend myself, 

Try not to buy into the "keep your enemies closer" approach. At some level you know he's gaslighting you.

[Chiz]

Thank you all for the replies.

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

What the actual eff. 

I hope you put Mommy in her place and told her to leave your workplace immediatley and have no further contact with you. That is not acceptable, but sure makes it looks as though you have a right to be suspicious of this young woman. They're barking too loudly over "nothing." What did your husband say about this? 

I think you are probably right. Him turning it around on you and calling you insecure rather than actually hearing you and discussing the issue is your cue. It's also very disrespectful of you and your marriage. 

Why doesn't he have any other friends? How had your marriage been until he met his new crush? 

I would step back and observe now. It will be hard, but I would watch what he does of his own volition without any steering from you. That will tell you where his heart really is, even if it's not where you hoped. 

When I told my husband what had happened, he acted shocked that the co-worker's mother showed up and asked me what I wanted him to do about it. He mentioned that the girl seemed okay with them just being work friends but mentioned that her mother was just trying to be protective because the girl has emotional issues or some crap. That I should "understand" where the mother was coming from. Again, he continues to maintain that nothing has happened between them. He says that he has always tried to include me in everything they do and that he has been nothing but honest with me. That he always comes home to me, etc, etc, etc.

He never had friends before and I was his first girlfriend. Our marriage was very close and great until he met this girl. Now he is talking about branching out and making friends where he never desired to before. This incident with the mother makes everything more complicated because my husband also works where I work as a second job.

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try not to buy into the "keep your enemies closer" approach. At some level you know he's gaslighting you.

Yeah. I think that's the hardest part. I thought that maybe if I made myself more present this time around, I could see that they were just friends and that maybe I was just tripping. It just made things worse.

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Chiz said:

. I think that's the hardest part. I thought that maybe if I made myself more present this time around, I could see that they were just friends and that maybe I was just tripping. It just made things worse.

Your instincts are good that this is inappropriate on many levels. How old is your husband?

The mother thing, the gaslighting the protectiveness, etc. 

Ask him to sleep on the couch until he gets his head out of his butt.

[Batya33]

You said that things were stressful before he met this woman.  Is this woman married/in a relationship? Does he supervise her? She is not being respectful of your marriage and your husband is playing with fire- if this woman has emotional issues she could tell their boss what's going on and your husband could be in a very bad work situation. 

I think it's great that he wants to make friends.  I'm married and yesterday I went to my son's school-related event specifically to meet other parents and maybe make a new friend/acquaintance.  It felt great especially given the pandemic-last few years. 

I spoke only to the women there but there were a few men there and I'd have spoken to them as well if it happened to occur while we were doing our walk through the park.  But I know how to conduct myself in those situations -your husband is crossing boundaries and she is not just a friend because she is disrespectful of your marriage and wants to be romantic with your husband. 

There are ways to make friends, develop friendships that are perfectly appropriate and your husband -as a married man and an employee- he knows this as well.  He is just choosing to hang out with this woman who wants more than friendship.

I would tell him you are uncomfortable with him interacting with her particularly since she apparently has such intense emotional issues that her mother harassed you at your job.  Ask him what his priorities are as far as your marriage.  And tell him it's fine for him to go out and make friends and it's not fine to play with fire.  Good luck. 

[smackie9]

Since your husband doesn’t have much experience with getting close to people, he’s very naive at the fact he is being emotionally manipulated by this woman. If you have a mother that crosses boundaries like that then you know the apple doesn’t fall to far from the tree. In other words this person is toxic and dangerous. Crossing her and not letting her have what she wants could possibly make him lose his job. You need to explain to him that she is not this wonderful friend, that it’s all about her and her desire for attention and that she plays a huge role in his dismissive attitude with her manipulating him. He needs to stop and take a good look at his behaviour and how he has been treating you. You can try asking how he would feel if you did this with a man from you job where all you focus was on the coworker instead of him. Maybe that will snap him out of it. If he wants to make friends there are heavier ways of doing so by you two finding another couple or couples  to hangout with for board game night etc. 

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Chiz said:

He never had friends before and I was his first girlfriend

This is unusual. Why is that? 

4 hours ago, Chiz said:

her mother was just trying to be protective because the girl has emotional issues or some crap. That I should "understand" where the mother was coming from.

Absolutely not. He's got that completely backwards. What was your response to this crazy lady showing up at your work?

7 hours ago, Chiz said:

they constantly went off alone together and left me.

And this doesn't line up with his assertion that he always includes you. What kinds of activities were you all doing together that they just wandered off alone? 

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Since your husband doesn’t have much experience with getting close to people, he’s very naive at the fact he is being emotionally manipulated by this woman.

I don't think he is naïve or a baby or being manipulated. He's a grown married man. He is the problem, not this woman and her mother. He is at the center of this chaos and drama.

 He's certainly playing dumb and being manipulative through gaslighting, crazy-making, etc.

[Lambert]

I agree with the others, that he is being manipulative.

A friend sends her mom to my spouse's place of work? Is not my friend anymore. It shows completely different values and opinions on acceptable, appropriate behavior. A friend's mother has NO PLACE, zero, none in my marriage.

The fact that he said YOU have to understand her, is very troubling and I probably would have lost it on the guy or at least stop talking to him and express my extreme disappointment. The only reaction should have been to tell this friend to get lost and to tell her mother to get a damn life.

Sounds like your husband is growing and expanding... not the person you married.  I think you are completely in the right to put your foot down and explain this is not the marriage you signed up for and you're not going to sit around playing second fiddle to a "new friend". 

I'm like so mad for you! This guy should be in the dog house!

[Chiz]

Thank you all. 
 

I think that he has started growing outside of the relationship and I have threatened to leave him a couple of days ago. I’m still at that point right now to leave him for at least a few days, because it’s clear to me that he doesn’t respect our marriage. He’s begged me to stay and apologized for his lack of judgement. But since yesterday, he’s been filling his days up with work at the second job and has grown distant.

My husband is going on 33 years old. I know he had a lot of image issues growing up being overweight but he’s lost a tremendous amount of weight since the pandemic started. I am so proud for that and he truly has been growing. I’ve always supported him with what he wanted to do and I want him to be happy, that’s why I tried to make friends with this girl. However, the first time we all hung out together for her birthday at a restaurant, they left together for three hours afterwards since she doesn’t have a car.

I am worried for my husband because he is playing with fire. He refuses to see it. He says that if I don’t have physical proof that he has slept with her or has been inappropriate with her, that he has done nothing wrong.  I can’t blame the girl, she is ten years younger than us and it’s not her fault that my husband is terrible. I mean, I’m not married to her after all. 

I guess I’m just so angry right now and I want to leave this whole marriage because this has been going on for a while now. Though, I’m so conflicted because I know that if I leave out of anger, I might be acting too rashly.

 

 

[Andrina]

Even if they haven't been intimate, they are definitely having an emotional affair, and that's just as damaging to a marriage.

It's one thing to have normal friendly banter with anyone at work, but you can easily see when your SO has crossed boundaries. 

He cares more about himself and what he's getting from this affair, than your feelings. And he doesn't care that he's jeopardizing your marriage.

If you don't want to act too rashly, tell him you want him to accompany you to marriage counseling. If he refuses to go, or does go and refuses to listen to a professional's advice (she or he will most assuredly tell him to lose his co-workers digits and to stop spending time with her outside of work), then I agree you shouldn't stick around for being treated badly by the man who should be treating you like the treasure you are.

For any future relationships you will have, make sure you talk about boundaries, and make sure they match, before becoming exclusive with someone.

Take care.

[waffle]

42 minutes ago, Chiz said:

He says that if I don’t have physical proof that he has slept with her or has been inappropriate with her, that he has done nothing wrong.

Chances are he's had some sort of sexual activity with her but he feels that he's covered his tracks well enough because you can't "prove" anything.

[Kwothe28]

46 minutes ago, Chiz said:

He says that if I don’t have physical proof that he has slept with her or has been inappropriate with her, that he has done nothing wrong.  

Lol

He is definitely sleeping with that girl. He doesnt refuse to see it, its you who refuses to see the truth. Yes, he is innapropriate. Yes, he is the one using his new found confidence with losing weight to get with some younger girl at work. Its you who shouldnt let that slide and shouldnt allow him to pull you by the nose like this. He literally went off to spend time alone with her with you present in the room. If you dont see how unnaceptable that is, then dunno what to tell you. 

[boltnrun]

He spent three hours alone with her because she doesn't have a car?  Where was her mother?  Couldn't Mom have given her a ride?

1 hour ago, Chiz said:

He says that if I don’t have physical proof that he has slept with her or has been inappropriate with her, that he has done nothing wrong.

He's basically admitting something happened.  And what kind of defense is "if you can't prove it, it's not wrong"???  If I mug a little old lady or steal a car am I innocent because no one saw me do it?  That's ridiculous.

Your husband used to be overweight and probably felt inadequate.  Now that he's "hot" he wants to try it on with other women who he wasn't able to "get" when he was fat. That's fine if he wants to do that, but he can't while he's married.

He needs to decide what he wants; to be a faithful spouse or to hook up with other women.  If he wants to date around, he'll need a divorce first.

Can you move to your parent's home or stay with a sibling or friend for a while?  I'm going to guess he'll take the opportunity to have her over while you're gone.  If so, you can divorce him with full confidence you're doing the right thing.

[lostandhurt]

Is it just me but I swear we had the exact post some time back.

Either way he has crossed all kinds of boundaries whether he has had actual sex with this young woman.

 You are waiting for him to do the right thing but he seems to think what is right and wrong and what you think it is are pretty far apart.

  I am sure if you had a 24 yr old good looking coworker you were always texting and disappeared with for hours at a time your husbands head would explode.

One of the first lies a cheater tells is: "we are just friends"

 Lost

PS  If anyone is to leave make him leave  the home as he is the one screwing up.

[Batya33]

It's not just sex or proof of sex -he is acting inappropriately as a married man and playing with fire.  

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Chiz said:

my husband because he is playing with fire. He refuses to see it. He says that if I don’t have physical proof that he has slept with her or has been inappropriate with her, that he has done nothing wrong.  I can’t blame the girl, she is ten years younger than us and it’s not her fault that my husband is terrible. I mean, I’m not married to her after all. 

You have good insight into this and you have been more than patient as well as realizing he is the issue not her. This bit about 'proof of physical', of course is gaslighting and nonsense. You're wise to step back and reflect if this type of disrespect belongs in a marriage.

[Lambert]

4 hours ago, Chiz said:

He says that if I don’t have physical proof that he has slept with her

This is very telling of what and who you are dealing with.  Healthy, happy relationships are not based on proof. Both people respect and value the other and the relationship to the degree that these kinds of statements are ridiculous. 

once someone's saying, prove it, do you really need the proof? 

He doesn't have to cheat on you for the relationship to be damaged. As evident by what you are experiencing right now-  the very weak and low level of commitment he has for your well-being & marriage right now.

I'm sorry. This is terrible behavior on his part and to even act like he has some high ground to stand on is disturbing and frankly insulting. I think at this point, my respect for him would be very low and my need to respect myself would be very high. 

I don't think it's smart to cry wolf and threaten to leave. this situation calls for calm, calculated, thoughtful action.  Talk to an attorney, a therapist, a member of the clergy or someone you can trust. 

Think about what you want and what you need from him. How far your willing to go (ending the marriage or not) and what you need him to do.  

the problem is, if he sees no problem with his behavior then you have to decide do you accept this? Or do you end it?

 

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Chiz said:

I am worried for my husband because he is playing with fire. He refuses to see admit it.

Fixed that for you. 

You are worried for your husband? He doesn't seem worried for you. At all. You might want to rethink your stance there. 

6 hours ago, Chiz said:

they left together for three hours afterwards since she doesn’t have a car.

What the hell? What was his excuse for being gone for 3 hours, and why didn't you go with them? 

[HeartGoesOn]

I can only speak for myself, but I'd convey the message one time, and one time only that he needs to figure out why he's in this predicament and how to resolve it. Also, remind him that you weren't born yesterday.

After all he's an adult who knows right from wrong.  It's not your job to try to reform him,  You didn't sign up to raise him or be his therapist, etc.

In short, he'll either sink or swim, yet you'll have your answer.

 

[catfeeder]

I can't think of one person that I respect who would take a spouse out with a friend and leave her flat to go off with the friend...

That's a big ***?

That alone would make me question who, exactly, I married.

I wouldn't have been around for hear him get defensive about that.

[Chiz]

Hi all, 

My husband and I are going to work on our marriage. I will officially be starting counseling on my own tomorrow because I have been so angry and depressed for so long that I think that I finally need to talk to someone. This is the first time that I have ever done this, so I have a lot of anxiety. 
 

Since my post, my husband has deleted the person’s number and has not mentioned her since. He maintains that nothing physically happened between them but has finally apologized for the emotional pain that he has put me through. For right now, I’m going to take things one day at a time and see if our relationship is still worth it.