ONS - Pregnancy

[boltnrun]

19 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Sorry if this was already answered - I understand it's not legally binding - my question is , is this test as accurate as a post birth test? (I figured maybe that's why it's not legally binding?). I would hate for it to be done and a false positive -- or inconclusive.

Especially after paying upwards of £1200. 

[Kwothe28]

21 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Sorry if this was already answered - I understand it's not legally binding - my question is , is this test as accurate as a post birth test? (I figured maybe that's why it's not legally binding?). I would hate for it to be done and a false positive -- or inconclusive.

Quote

 

Is an At-Home Paternity Test Accurate? 

At-home paternity tests are very accurate. Tests that are used after a child is born are nearly 100% effective at determining whether a certain person is their parent. Tests that are used during pregnancy are slightly less effective, but still 99.9% accurate.

 

Was interested to check. Some that are done in lab or even at home are even legally admissable.

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, RKO said:

That’s where things get awkward thanks to me being genuine friends with some of her friends etc.

This has nothing to do with her. You can still block her. 

I would, personally. She doesn't need access to your personal life for any reason, and vice versa. Whether you have mutual friends is irrelevant. 

[RKO]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Sorry if this was already answered - I understand it's not legally binding - my question is , is this test as accurate as a post birth test? (I figured maybe that's why it's not legally binding?). I would hate for it to be done and a false positive -- or inconclusive.

It said 99% but if she didn’t agree with the result she could still demand one again through court and drag this on more

[RKO]

8 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Especially after paying upwards of £1200. 

Also a big factor only for her to tell me that the result is wrong you have to go through this all over again but this time through court 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, RKO said:

 you have to go through this all over again but this time through court 

This is simple. If you want to be a single father, be in a relationship with her, pay child support for the next 18 years, keep doing what you are doing. Chitchatting with her, keeping her on social media, needling and nagging her for sono results and DNA testing.

If not, leave her alone. She already told you she doesn't want you involved. If she does want child support at some point and gets DNA testing on the child and gets a court order for yours, then cross that bridge if it ever gets to that point.

Stop pestering her for tests. Stop whining to her about your anxiety. She told you to get lost, so do that.

Get your moods and anxiety under control and stop all the catastrophizing and nonsense theorizing. 

You're making a complete disaster out of this for yourself and her. Leave her alone. 

[RKO]

45 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is simple. If you want to be a single father, be in a relationship with her, pay child support for the next 18 years, keep doing what you are doing. Chitchatting with her, keeping her on social media, needling and nagging her for sono results and DNA testing.

If not, leave her alone. She already told you she doesn't want you involved. If she does want child support at some point and gets DNA testing on the child and gets a court order for yours, then cross that bridge if it ever gets to that point.

Stop pestering her for tests. Stop whining to her about your anxiety. She told you to get lost, so do that.

Get your moods and anxiety under control and stop all the catastrophizing and nonsense theorizing. 

You're making a complete disaster out of this for yourself and her. Leave her alone. 

I’ve not got in touch with her once since she refused the dna test. 
I’ve not pestered her for one, she said no so I left it.

I’ve said no to this prepaternity one and have left it.

 

For what it’s worth she hasn’t told me in black and white to get lost or said she doesn’t want me involved. She gave me the chance but hasn’t ever said “I don’t want you involved”

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, RKO said:

I’ve not got in touch with her once since she refused the dna test. 

Make up your mind. If you want her and this child in your life keep doing what you are doing and cave to nonsense theorizing, catastrophizing, guilt trips, etc. 

If not, leave her alone. You seem to be overanxious and that seems fueled by guilt trips and unnessary questions.

Stick with the facts and what your goals are. Are people are pushing you toward something? It's unclear why this is so confusing to you. If people have rhetorical questions they can google the answers. You're not an attorney, physician, geneticist or encyclopedia. 

Your job is to calm down and respect her and leave her alone.

[Batya33]

Here is what I would do.  Put this as much as possible off your radar out of your head for now.  Revisit only if you have a change of heart/mind and wish to know about paternity for whatever reason - could be an emotional reason or a medical reason and might never happen.  For now, it's done.  

[RKO]

44 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Make up your mind. If you want her and this child in your life keep doing what you are doing and cave to nonsense theorizing, catastrophizing, guilt trips, etc. 

If not, leave her alone. You seem to be overanxious and that seems fueled by guilt trips and unnessary questions.

Stick with the facts and what your goals are. Are people are pushing you toward something? It's unclear why this is so confusing to you. If people have rhetorical questions they can google the answers. You're not an attorney, physician, geneticist or encyclopedia. 

Your job is to calm down and respect her and leave her alone.

I’m not sure what you mean here, I am not reaching out or messaging her unless she contacts me, it’s been like that the entire week.

I do get the feeling my mum would rather me push and find out, be involved but she has said clearly I need to do what’s right for me and what doesn’t cause me upset.

As for respect Hera no ,eave her alone, see above, I have left her alone

[RKO]

32 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Here is what I would do.  Put this as much as possible off your radar out of your head for now.  Revisit only if you have a change of heart/mind and wish to know about paternity for whatever reason - could be an emotional reason or a medical reason and might never happen.  For now, it's done.  

That's what I thought I had done until I received that clearly "no chance you'd go for this" prepaternity test yesterday message.

It set me back a lot 

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, RKO said:

 until I received that clearly "no chance you'd go for this" prepaternity test yesterday message.

Stop the messaging. Block her. It's that simple. It doesn't matter "what you think your mother may...." In reality and fact, she told you "do what is best for you". You seem to be putting thoughts and words in others mouths out of anxiety.

[RKO]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Stop the messaging. Block her. It's that simple. It doesn't matter "what you think your mother may...." In reality and fact, she told you "do what is best for you". You seem to be putting thoughts and words in others mouths out of anxiety.

I told my mum what’s  best for me, I had a real,honest and genuine talk with myself earlier…

IF she comes for DNA and it’s mine then by law yes I’ll have to pay financially but Deep down and honestly I don’t want to have anything to do with the child, I don’t want a baby that I will resent, I don’t want to coparent with this horrible mother, a baby that’s been made with no love, a baby that’s been forced on me.

I have not abandoned this woman, or walked out on her, we we never together, IF I was in a loving relationship with someone it would be different, but it isn’t. 
 

she had a choice what to do about keeping or proceeding

i should have this choice too

That’s me being honest.

my mum agreed with everything and said she understands and backs whatever I want 100%

IF I’m the father of course 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, RKO said:

IF she comes for DNA and it’s mine then by law yes I’ll have to pay financially but Deep down and honestly I don’t want to have anything to do with the child, I don’t want a baby that I will resent, I don’t want to coparent with this horrible mother, a baby that’s been made with no love, a baby that’s been forced on me.

Exactly. Do nothing more with this woman and IF, yes big IF she pursues a paternity test and IF, big IF, you are the father your only obligation is a monthly check. That's it.

[Tinydance]

Look, I think when you post on an anonymous forum, especially about a controversial kind of topic, you're going to get a lot of opinions. At the end of the day nobody here really knows you, who you are and what you do in life. There are some people who might have "black and white" thinking. Like, thinking: "X behaviour is good and Y behaviour is bad". And they feel very strongly about this template without being able to try seeing a broader situation and also factoring in that people are human and can make mistakes.

I think you've been very honest here about your feelings and why shouldn't you be. You had sex with a woman you don't know much and from your description she DOES sound unstable and very rude. She did exactly the same thing as you and in my opinion equal to you in what happened.

Her communication with you has been very erratic and not pleasant in nature. Maybe she also feels very frustrated that this has happened but yet her beliefs are not to have an abortion. She is entitled to make that decision to keep the baby but her communication with you has been very confusing and hostile. If she said she didn't want you involved then she should have been acting according to her supposed wishes and not contacting you. 

If she does want you involved then her communication should have been more amicable and saying she’s happy to do the paternity test and work together on planning and working out what kind of resolve you can come to.

Yes you've said on this forum you don't want to have a child but you're being honest. There wouldn't really be any point in writing on an anonymous forum and lying. What are you supposed to say? "I'm so happy this happened, everything is great, I'm having the time of my life". That's not actually how you feel so why should you say that. You got attacked a lot for sharing your real feelings.

As I've mentioned before about my friend from college, she actually had an abortion. I know of other women who have as well. They probably felt the same way as you and they made a choice for themselves and their body to terminate the child. Obviously being a man you don't have this choice so you've been put in a very difficult position.

At the same time you didn't actually ever say to this woman that you want her to have an abortion or just say to her: "I'm not interested in this child or you, goodbye" and then block. You actually said you would help her financially and you've been communicating with her the whole time. So really even though she's acting hostile towards you and you don't even want a child, you have made an effort towards her and to resolve the situation.

I'm not sure why you're so worried about whether this paternity test is legally binding or not? If she wants it to be legally binding then she will need to start legal action. Otherwise I thought you just need to know if you're the father or not?

Also again your involvement with this child depends on her too. Ask her what she wants to happen or what she wants you to do and get a clear answer. If she says she doesn't want anything then it's her choice right? She could have said something like: "I know this was an accident but if you want to be part of the child's life then I would like that and I will include you as you want". And if she wants financial support then she is also free to say that too. 

I think you should stop worrying so much what other people or your friends or her friends think. Really they can think whatever they like. This situation is between you and this woman and it's your agreement what you want to happen.

There are actually also women who don't want the guy around too and they're happy with their decision. My best friend works in family services and she said one woman there got pregnant from a guy and she didn't even tell him she was pregnant until the child was much older. She didn't want him to be involved and have any say so she just didn't reach out to him.

 

 

[RKO]

7 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Look, I think when you post on an anonymous forum, especially about a controversial kind of topic, you're going to get a lot of opinions. At the end of the day nobody here really knows you, who you are and what you do in life. There are some people who might have "black and white" thinking. Like, thinking: "X behaviour is good and Y behaviour is bad". And they feel very strongly about this template without being able to try seeing a broader situation and also factoring in that people are human and can make mistakes.

I think you've been very honest here about your feelings and why shouldn't you be. You had sex with a woman you don't know much and from your description she DOES sound unstable and very rude. She did exactly the same thing as you and in my opinion equal to you in what happened.

Her communication with you has been very erratic and not pleasant in nature. Maybe she also feels very frustrated that this has happened but yet her beliefs are not to have an abortion. She is entitled to make that decision to keep the baby but her communication with you has been very confusing and hostile. If she said she didn't want you involved then she should have been acting according to her supposed wishes and not contacting you. 

If she does want you involved then her communication should have been more amicable and saying she’s happy to do the paternity test and work together on planning and working out what kind of resolve you can come to.

Yes you've said on this forum you don't want to have a child but you're being honest. There wouldn't really be any point in writing on an anonymous forum and lying. What are you supposed to say? "I'm so happy this happened, everything is great, I'm having the time of my life". That's not actually how you feel so why should you say that. You got attacked a lot for sharing your real feelings.

As I've mentioned before about my friend from college, she actually had an abortion. I know of other women who have as well. They probably felt the same way as you and they made a choice for themselves and their body to terminate the child. Obviously being a man you don't have this choice so you've been put in a very difficult position.

At the same time you didn't actually ever say to this woman that you want her to have an abortion or just say to her: "I'm not interested in this child or you, goodbye" and then block. You actually said you would help her financially and you've been communicating with her the whole time. So really even though she's acting hostile towards you and you don't even want a child, you have made an effort towards her and to resolve the situation.

I'm not sure why you're so worried about whether this paternity test is legally binding or not? If she wants it to be legally binding then she will need to start legal action. Otherwise I thought you just need to know if you're the father or not?

Also again your involvement with this child depends on her too. Ask her what she wants to happen or what she wants you to do and get a clear answer. If she says she doesn't want anything then it's her choice right? She could have said something like: "I know this was an accident but if you want to be part of the child's life then I would like that and I will include you as you want". And if she wants financial support then she is also free to say that too. 

 

Thank you for your honest assessment and words there.

With regards to legally binding this is to cover me, the cost of the test was outrageous and she said she wouldn’t pay a penny towards (genuinely can’t afford  it, up to 1200k) and if she didn’t like the result she could have got the courts to force another etc. Also as @Wiseman2said, it’s up to HER to prove paternity.

Totally agree about her attitude, she’s shut me down so many times initially when I asked what she would want from me if involved. She didn’t have an answer.

It’s clear she wants to do this alone but at same time have her conscience clear that she hasnt forced it upon me.

she’s pure evil 

[Tinydance]

14 minutes ago, RKO said:

Thank you for your honest assessment and words there.

With regards to legally binding this is to cover me, the cost of the test was outrageous and she said she wouldn’t pay a penny towards (genuinely can’t afford  it, up to 1200k) and if she didn’t like the result she could have got the courts to force another etc. Also as @Wiseman2said, it’s up to HER to prove paternity.

Totally agree about her attitude, she’s shut me down so many times initially when I asked what she would want from me if involved. She didn’t have an answer.

It’s clear she wants to do this alone but at same time have her conscience clear that she hasnt forced it upon me.

she’s pure evil 

Well, personally I think you should do the paternity test for yourself to know if you're the father or not. After that you can say to her that you want her to let you know what she wants to happen. She is free to tell you what she wants. If she needs more time to think or she wants to see how things are once the baby is born, that's fine. If she doesn't want to communicate or her communication is rude and hostile then she's actually making a choice to do this. On your part if you find out you're the father then just say to her you need her to be clear what she expects of you. Otherwise what is the point to keep messaging her? She is not your ex or your friend and it doesn't actually even sound like you get along. 

Also sorry I'm not sure what you mean she might not like the result? If you're not the father then that's it, this is all over and you're free. If you are the father then if she wants to start legal proceedings she can do that. If you only want to do a legally binding test then tell her you'll do it once the baby is born and then you make a legal arrangement that you both stick to. E.g. You pay X amount of child support.

You can say to her you're happy to discuss and cooperate in regards to the child arrangement but otherwise don't message her. You both feel resentful towards each other and the conversation is not pleasant so why keep having it.

[RKO]

7 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well, personally I think you should do the paternity test for yourself to know if you're the father or not. After that you can say to her that you want her to let you know what she wants to happen. She is free to tell you what she wants. If she needs more time to think or she wants to see how things are once the baby is born, that's fine. If she doesn't want to communicate or her communication is rude and hostile then she's actually making a choice to do this. On your part if you find out you're the father then just say to her you need her to be clear what she expects of you. Otherwise what is the point to keep messaging her? She is not your ex or your friend and it doesn't actually even sound like you get along. 

I understand that but as I explained it’s far too expensive, I simply cant afford it without going hungry and cold for a few months. Plus there is every chance of it comes back negative she will say it’s a fix or wasn’t done correctly and still summon one through a court meaning I have wasted money that I simply cant afford.

[Tinydance]

Just now, RKO said:

I understand that but as I explained it’s far too expensive, I simply cant afford it without going hungry and cold for a few months. Plus there is every chance of it comes back negative she will say it’s a fix or wasn’t done correctly and still summon one through a court meaning I have wasted money that I simply cant afford.

OK well just let her know you don't have money for it and you will pay for the legally binding one once the child is born. I think you need to step back from communicating with her and exhausting yourself with so much emotional turmoil. Try to come to an acceptance as best as you can that you made a mistake and yes it has consequences. Maybe get some therapy and start working through it. There isn't a lot you can do right now if you can't afford the expensive paternity test. 

[gamon]

9 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

  let her know you don't have money for it and you will pay for the legally binding one once the child is born. I

He owes her nothing. Certainly not an explanation of his finances, nor should he offer to take on the entire cost of the test. At this point she's some chick he hooked up with for a night.

Nothing more.

 

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, RKO said:

I understand that but as I explained it’s far too expensive, I simply cant afford it without going hungry and cold for a few months.

Do not do the paternity test unless she gets a court order for your DNA. Do not open that Pandora's box. You are correct to stand your ground since she made all these decisions unilaterally. Also she does not want to do DNA testing on herself/the child, so let sleeping dogs lie. Do not cave to guilt trips or curiosity or her.

[RKO]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do not do the paternity test unless she gets a court order for your DNA. Do not open that Pandora's box. You are correct to stand your ground since she made all these decisions unilaterally. Also she does not want to do DNA testing on herself/the child, so let sleeping dogs lie. Do not cave to guilt trips or curiosity or her.

Again,not entirely true, she will do it but only now at full cost to me and not legally binding.

100% not caving 

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, RKO said:

100% not caving 

Good. Remember "her choice", so let it go.

[Batya33]

I agree with everything you wrote except that if you are the father this baby was not forced on you.  You chose to have sex and risk starting a pregnancy and potentially bringing your child into the world.  It's just how it works.  You don't get to choose under what circumstances you will be a father once you choose to have sex.  I also agree you can choose to walk away and wash your hands of this situation unless she takes legal action.  

[Tinydance]

Well bottom line is I think if this woman wants something from you then she needs to cooperate. Obviously it's not a relationship or even friendship so if she wants something then she needs to communicate in a civil way and be clear what she wants the arrangements to be. I think it's totally understandable she has to allow a paternity test. If for example she wanted child support it wouldn't make sense to give her money not 100% knowing you are the father. She hasn't said anything clear so far and has been giving mixed messages.